Dating 40

Dating in Your 40s

Dating can be intimidating and overwhelming — and maybe even terrifying — for anyone, no matter your age. While dating after 40 might appear to have its unique set of challenges, it doesn’t have to be something to be dreaded. After all, 40 is the new 30.

Dating in Your Forties: Take Your Time

Don’t let a sense of urgency or the proverbial ticking clock impair your dating judgment. Use that wisdom that comes with age to carefully assess what you need — and to identify any red flags and non-negotiables that appear early on.

If you’re coming out of a marriage or long-term relationship, don’t rush back into dating if you’re not emotionally ready for someone new. To date successfully you can’t be holding your dinner companion responsible for the sins of an ex. Give your date a fair chance, not comparing him to those who’ve come before.

A date is just that: a date. Try not to rush the get-to-know-each-other process. It can take a few dates to know if there’s potential for something to develop between two people.

Dating in Your Forties: Be Honest

While it’s important to be patient when getting to know someone, you don’t have to waste time in the wrong relationship. Be clear about what you’re looking for in a relationship from the beginning.

An advantage to dating later in life is that you should know yourself better than you did in your younger years. You know what matters most to you and can identify your priorities and passions. Be honest about what they are. You don’t want to be with someone who can’t support you in those.

Even before you start dating again, think about what you want. Be specific about what you’re looking for — and who you are — on your dating profile. Share your thoughts with a friend who can hold you accountable to not settle for someone who isn’t right for you.

Dress and act your age. Be real. Trying to be someone you’re not will only hurt you in the long run. The best dating advice to anyone at any age is just to be yourself.

Dating in Your Forties: Enlist Friends

Speaking of friends, ask for help. Let people support your dating journey. Welcome blind dates set up by friends. Double date with a couple you respect. Be honest and open with trusted loved ones that you’re looking for love. They’ll be there to encourage you when you’re discouraged and to rejoice with you when love comes around.

Dating in Your Forties: Stay Positive

Focus on the positive. You may not like the toll time — and gravity — has taken on your body, but what about yourself do you still love? Boost your confidence by dressing to enhance your favorite features.

Look back at your former self and identify how you’ve changed for the better. Maybe you’re now more laid back. Maybe you’ve become more patient, more direct, or more ambitious with time. Celebrate what you have to offer.

You’re still young at heart, so lighten up and have fun. Smile. Let the pursuit of love be an adventure.

Dating in Your Forties: Consider the Kids

Kids are often a factor when dating in your forties. If you have kids, use discretion as to when it’s most appropriate to introduce them to someone new. If they’re young, it’s important to keep them from bonding prematurely with your date if you’re not yet in a committed relationship. If they’re older, talk to them about what’s going on, and let them voice their concerns. Kids need to know that you’re a parent first and that they’re still your priority, even when you’re going on dates and spending time away from them.

If you don’t have kids and your date does, are you okay with the possibility of taking on a stepparent role in the future? If you don’t have kids and want them, are you willing to walk away from a relationship if he doesn’t?

Dating in Your Forties: Take Risks

You may be a little intimidated by the dating scene, but don’t let those dating insecurities get in your way. Choose to be bold and fearless. Know your strengths, enlist a friend who’s good at pep talks to encourage you, and take a few chances. Maybe it’s time that you made the first move for a change.

Be up for change and try something new. Look outside your dating “type.” Date a little older or younger than you usually would. Take up a new hobby, enroll in a class, or just shake up your daily routine. Don’t get stuck in life. Take a few (calculated) risks. You’ll meet new people, learn things about yourself, and collect new stories to tell. Maybe you’ll even find love in the process.

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Debunking the Biggest Myth of Dating Over 40

Dating can be a real pain in the butt, right? I know. I did it for about 30 years and I experienced all the hurt, confusion, frustration, hopelessness, boredom, and exhaustion that comes with it.

So what’s the thing about dating that bothers you most? As a Dating and Relationship Coach for Women over 40. I conducted a survey and asked women to tell me their biggest dating challenge as a woman in her 40s, 50s and beyond.

The #1 response was: I’m not meeting quality men.

Yah, I know. Not having quality men to date really sucks. It WOULD suck, that is…IF it were true. The idea that there aren’t any quality men is a myth.

There are about 45 million single men over the age of 35 in the United States, about 7 million in Britain and 2 million in Australia. And these are just the ones using online dating!

And before you say…but, Bobbi, these aren’t quality men. All the good ones are taken…check this out:

If you live anywhere near a major metro area, and are looking for a man over 40, 5’8” or taller, college educated, non-smoking, making a higher than median income…statistics say that there are over 2000 of these guys within 20 miles of you looking for love online.

No good men? Really? And, remember girlfriend, you only need ONE.

Why do you hold on to this as if it were truth; like it’s a reality of life that you must endure? If you’re like I used to be as a single gal, it’s because it gives you permission to stay the same and stay single.

As long as you let yourself believe that your lack of connection with a good man is about T-H-E-M…then you don’t have to take responsibility. You are merely a victim of nasty and sad circumstance, rather than a strong, smart woman in charge of her life.

Take some advice from a gal who has been there, finally figured “the man-thing out,” got married at 47 and now enjoys a stellar relationship with the perfect man…for me. There are two things you can do that will immediately improve your experience with men:

1. Be a good picker.

Know what you want and must have, and make sure it’s the “Grownup You” doing the picking; not the 18-year-old who still expects all kinds of wacky things that no longer matter and wouldn’t make you happy anyway.

Be willing to forgo the idea of perfection and find a REAL man. He doesn’t have to be flawless to rock your world. (And btw how flawless are you? Aren’t your “quirks” what you want men to love about you?)

Here are some action steps to get you started:

• Get honest with yourself by getting to the core of your belief that there are no quality men. When did you start believing this and why? Are these beliefs still true?

• How does this belief impact your actions (or inaction), and how is that affecting your outcomes? If you believed otherwise, how would it change your dating experiences?

• Make a choice. If this belief is working for you, great. If not, choose to let it go.

2. Give him a chance .

DO NOT tell me that in the first 10 minutes of meeting a man you can know that he is a potential suitor or life partner. If I hear this one more time….I’m going to burst.

Unless he spits when he talks, smells, or is drunk; give him a chance. Quick judgments are often more about you than the man sitting in front of you.

Quickly dismissing men is most often about self-protection and reliving past experiences in the present. I mean, after all, if every man you meet is unworthy then there is no risk you’ll actually start dating or get in a relationship! Yep, that’s a surefire way to avoid ever being hurt or rejected.

(Listen, I was the master of this, but finally learned how I consistently self sabotaged. And when I saw it, and dealt with it, my life changed. Yours will too.)

Here are your action steps:

• Write your list of qualities, values, and behaviors that attract you and that you expect in a man with whom you spend time.

• Review your list and decide: does this man exist? Are these qualities I’m looking for directly related to a man’s ability to make me happy? Are these truly requirements and worthy of dismissing a man who does not possess the quality? Out of this you will begin to refine your list of must-have’s, nice to have’s and who cares/what was I thinking.

If you are serious about finding a life partner, or at least a man to have some fun with, letting go of the idea that there are no good single men for you is a first critical step.

When your belief shifts, the good men will be there waiting for you. Ask any one of my coaching clients. After working on this for just a week or two, they “miraculously” see nice guys everywhere.

What you believe is your truth. And what you put out and expect is what you get. I’d love to hear how this (pretty simple) shift works for you. Happy dating!

Bobbi

If you want to find that man who loves and adores you for the rest of your life, join Bobbi for her Grownup Girls’ Night Out FREE monthly webcasts. Get a ton of expert, juicy, must-have information and advice about men, dating, sex and relationships…all free and from the comfort of your own home. Click here to learn more and register.

Jessica Walsh

Did you see Timothy today?

What did y’all do together?

We had our first date at The Fat Radish in the Lower East Side. They have the best roasted carrots, and my favorite tequila jalapeno drink.

Did anything interesting happen?

Before the date, Tim had a messenger deliver a cute note: “Me + You x 40. Ready?”

Truthfully, I am quite nervous. However, I know that when an opportunity scares me, I must go for it. I don’t like having fears. No matter what the outcome, it will certainly be an interesting experience. Hopefully we can have some fun along the way, too.

Did you learn anything new about Timothy?

We discussed Tim’s relationship patterns, and how he’s in a constant cycle between three women. There is always one girl he’s really excited about that he’s trying to go out with, a second girl he’s been seeing for a few weeks and is getting tired of, and a third girl he’s been seeing a while and is getting ready to break up with.

He told me that when his mother got pregnant, his father made her choose between keeping the child or staying with him. It seems to me his dating style could result from this. He breaks off relationships before they get too serious to avoid the risk of abandonment. He’s built up this reputation for himself as “the player,” but I see past the facade. He’s been a great friend, and I know he’s a very kind person. We all have our issues and cope with life differently. Sometimes I think the “normal” people are just people you don’t know well enough yet.

My parents married at a young age, and have a successful marriage. I wonder if that is part of the reason I am always trying to find the right person and why I feel like such failure when a relationship doesn’t work out.

How do you feel about this relationship/project right now?

I think I have have some sort of guard up preventing myself from seeing Tim as anything more than a very close friend. As his relationship patterns are the opposite of mine, a part of me fears that if we were to really date, one of us might wind up getting hurt. I don’t want to ruin our friendship. We also have a tight group of friends, and I think we are both afraid to compromise that.

Is there anything that you want to do differently?

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