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Courtship
Contents
Duration [ edit ]
The average duration of courtship varies considerably throughout the world. Furthermore, there is vast individual variation between couples. Courtship may be completely omitted, as in cases of some arranged marriages where the couple do not meet before the wedding.
In the United Kingdom. a poll of 3,000 [ 1 ] engaged or married couples resulted in an average duration between first meeting and accepted proposal of marriage of 2 years and 11 months, [ 1 ] [ 2 ] with the women feeling ready to accept at an average of 2 years and 7 months. [ 1 ] Regarding duration between proposal and wedding, the UK poll above gave an average of 2 years and 3 months. [ 2 ]
Courtship traditions [ edit ]
While the date is fairly casual in most European-influenced cultures, in some traditional societies, courtship is a highly structured activity, with very specific formal rules.
In some societies, the parents or community propose potential partners, and then allow limited dating to determine whether the parties are suited. In Japan. there is a such type of courtship called Omiai. with similar practices called "Xiangqin" (??) in the Greater China Area .
Parents will hire a matchmaker to provide pictures and resumes of potential mates, and if the couple agrees, there will be a formal meeting with the matchmaker and often parents in attendance. The matchmaker and parents will often exert pressure on the couple to decide whether they want to marry or not after a few dates.
Courtship in the Philippines is one known complex form of courtship. Unlike what is regularly seen in other societies, it takes a far more subdued and indirect approach. It is complex in that it involves stages, and it is considered normal for courtship to last a year or longer. It is common to see the male showing off by sending love letters and love poems, singing romantic songs and buying gifts for the female. The parents are also seen as part of the courtship practice, as their approval is commonly needed before courtship may begin, or before the female gives the male an answer to his advances.
In more closed societies, courtship is virtually eliminated altogether by the practice of arranged marriages. where partners are chosen for young people, typically by their parents. Forbidding experimental and serial courtship and sanctioning only arranged matches is partly a means of guarding the chastity of young people and partly a matter of furthering family interests, which in such cultures may be considered more important than individual romantic preferences.
Over recent decades though, the concept of arranged marriage has changed or simply been mixed with other forms of dating, including Eastern and Indian ones; potential couples have the opportunity to meet and date each other before one decides on whether to continue the relationship or not.
Modern people [ edit ]
In earlier 1800s, young adults were expected to court with the intention of finding a marriage partner, rather than for social reasons. In America, in the 1820s, the phrase "date" was most closely associated with prostitution. However, by the Jazz Age of the 1920s, dating for fun was becoming a cultural expectation, and by the 1930s, it was assumed that any popular young person would have lots of dates. This form of dating, though, was usually chaster than is seen today, since premarital sex was not considered the norm. [ citation needed ]
Courtship in social theory [ edit ]
Courtship is used by a number of theorists to explain gendering processes and sexual identity. Scientific research into courtship began in the 1980s after which time academic researchers started to generate theories about modern dating practices and norms. Both Moore and Perper found that, contrary to popular beliefs, courtship is normally triggered and controlled by women, [ 3 ] [ 4 ] driven mainly by non-verbal behaviours to which men respond.
This is generally supported by other theorists who specialise in the study of body language. [ 5 ] There are some feminist scholars, however, who regard courtship as a socially constructed (and male-led) process organised to subjugate women. [ 6 ] [ 7 ] Farrell reports, for example, that magazines about marriage and romantic fiction continue to attract a 98% female readership. [ 8 ] Systematic research into courtship processes inside the workplace [ 9 ] [ 10 ] as well two 10-year studies examining norms in different international settings [ 11 ] [ 12 ] continue to support a view that courtship is a social process that socialises both sexes into accepting forms of relationship that maximise the chances of successfully raising children. Whilst this may negatively impact women, particularly those seeking independence and equality at work, [ 13 ] [ 14 ] it is argued that the majority of negative impacts accrue to men in the form of shorter life-expectancy, higher rates of suicide, alcoholism, homelessness and imprisonment. [ 15 ] [ 16 ]
Commercial dating services [ edit ]
Dating With Kids: 5 Ground Rules For Introducing Your New Partner To Your Kids
This article first appeared on GalTime. com
You thought dating was hard the first time? Here you are, single again, but this time with children. You finally meet someone you really, really like and want to introduce him to your kids. How do you go about it? What if your youngsters don’t like him? What if he doesn’t like them? What if it doesn’t work out?
Before you even think about introducing your children to your new boyfriend, you need to have been dating for at least six months. No, I’m not crazy. Didn’t your last relationship end in divorce? You don’t want that to happen again and you certainly don’t want your children to go through that again. It takes at least six months to begin to really know a person. You don’t want to introduce someone and one month later have to explain to your children why they don’t see "Mike" anymore.
I would also advise that you let your ex-husband know you are introducing someone to your children. It's the respectful thing to do if you have a good relationship with him. Take your time. It’s not a race to the altar again. It’s not just your life; it’s your kid’s lives too. Here are a few ground rules for introducing a new love to your children.
1. No Expectations . This is a casual event. You can’t force anyone to like anyone. Telling your children they have to be nice or like someone is a sure fire way to ruin the meeting. Let everyone meet and form their own opinions.
2. Group Setting . Have the first five meetings in a group setting. For instance, a backyard BBQ with friends and your new man. You should introduce him as a friend and give your children the chance to get to know your guy in a fun, relaxed, no pressure atmosphere. A group setting allows children to feel non-threatened. It's best not to show affection during these first five meetings. He’s just a friend right now.
3. Go Slowly . Remember, you might be in love, but your children need time to get used to a new situation. Follow their cues. If you sense they are having issues, talk to them. Slow down if you have to. Trust me, going slow now will ensure you have success later.
4. One Mom, One Dad . Reassure your children that they only have one mom and one dad. No one will replace either of you. I told my children this a few months after I introduced my then boyfriend to them. My son actually liked my boyfriend so much he wanted to call him dad. I had to take him aside and say, “I am so glad you like him! But you only have one mom and one dad.” He was only five years old, so I kept it age appropriate.
5. Rules for the New Family . As you begin to settle in together as a new group, it’s important for you to discuss how it plays out with your new partner. Have a long talk about expectations, discipline, money, education and anything else you might deal with. It’s a big deal merging families. You want your children to be happy in this new environment.
Dating after divorce can be tricky, but if you take your time and navigate the right way, it can be a win-win for everyone. Here’s my story.
I dated my boyfriend (now my husband) for six months before I introduced him to my children. I had to be sure he would be in my life in for a long time. I decided to slowly introduce him as a friend. I had a pool party with about four adult guests, him being one of them. I just introduced him as a friend. We did about five more group outings before he came to do things with just me and my two children. We slowly began doing fun kids things with just the four of us. We waited another four months before we showed any affection (hand holding, kissing) in front of them. After that, we slowly started holding hands and told the kids he was my boyfriend. Three years and six months later -- we are one super happy family and all because we took it slowly. I love my children too much to rush into anything with anyone.
Make sure you are in love and take your time; if he’s a great guy and you move slowly, your children will see how great he is too!
Do you have a different story? What worked or didn't work for you?
Beloved Heart Musings and Journal
STAGES in Christian Dating/Courtship Relationship
There is a progression that should take place in building a Christian dating relationship. The following is offered as a short Christian dating guide for Christian singles to consider as they build a Christian dating relationship.
(Note: As soon as I say Christian dating guide, every single Christian reading this will think they are an exception and the timing noted does not apply to them. Yes – it does! One of the strangest phenomenons that I have observed is that singles dating behavior is more common than most of us think. I encourage you to not look for the “exception” but where you can build the type of Christian dating relationship that will serve you and your partner well for years to come.)
FANTASY STAGE: 1 – 6 months
1. There is an attraction to each other and Christian singles immediately (or soon thereafter) think they have found their soul mate. Candidly, there is really little more in the Christian dating relationship during this stage than “physical attraction”.
2. There is a temptation for Christian singles to begin saying, “I love you” during this fantasy stage. What the expression really is saying is – “I am in love with the idea of being in love” AND “I really think you are the answer for ME”! It is mostly self-serving.
3. The emphasis should be upon enjoying each other’s company and building a FRIENDSHIP and refraining from going any further.
4. After 2 to 3 months of this type of dating and it is mutually agreed, the Christian dating relationship can move into an exclusive dating arrangement. This should be mutually agreed to and clearly understood by both Christian singles.
5. It is very important that each person have their own accountability group of their own gender. The progress of the Christian dating relationship should be shared so that their objectivity and accountability can be a valuable resource to the couple.
AFFIRMING STAGE: 6 – 12 months
1. Once a couple is satisfied that there is something to take to the next level, the couple should develop a plan in how they can best get to know each other in “real settings” not just in Christian dating situations. This plan will include such things as spending time around family and close friends to enable each other to see how the other person builds and sustains all relationships.
2. I do not suggest that the couple spend all their time together at this stage. It is a temptation to do so, but I suggest that it is actually unhealthy for the Christian dating relationship. Our emotions need to “grow” into this type of deep Christian dating relationship. Pushing the pace causes areas of each other’s character to not be observed. For example: Can the couple enjoy their alone time as well as their together time? If not, what is the “force” at play that is “pushing”? This often means that a healthy bonding is not taking place and the emphasis is upon self-satisfaction in this Christian dating relationship.
3. It is very important to look for CHARACTER issues in each other during this stage of Christian dating. Give yourself enough time and enough settings where character issues can surface. Why is this important? Individuals can “mask” character issues for an extended period of time – especially a few months during the fantasy period of Christian dating. But character is the foundation upon which commitment is built. Character does not change just because one gets married. You need to know “what they are really like” before you move into a marital relationship.
PRE-ENGAGEMENT STAGE: 1 to 2 years
1. The couple has spent a good deal of time building their Christian dating relationship. They mutually agree that this relationship has the great potential of moving into marriage. It is important that there be a “pre” engagement period of time. There is no set time frame for a pre-engagement period. It is more important that the process be completed than the time completed.
2. Marital inventories and temperament sorting should be taken at this stage. These are a wonderful means of finding out which areas you are really in “sync” and where you are apart. It serves as a basis for building the Christian dating relationship into as healthy a one as possible BEFORE marriage. (I highly recommend the inventories developed by Dr. David Olson that can be found at Life Innovations. There are many counselors who can provide Christian singles with insights into the results found in these inventories. The Myers-Briggs temperament sorting is another excellent source of information that each person should know about themselves and each other.)
3. At least 4 sessions should be spent with a Christian counselor who is trained in pre-marital counseling. It would be especially helpful to take the inventories mentioned above to the counselor for their input.
4. It is very important that the couple receive affirmations from family and friends during this stage. If they do not (unless there is a good reason), the couple should take the time to listen to the concerns and take steps to ensure that they are embracing and working through them.
1. Once a couple arrives at the point that they “know” that they want to be married and have all the affirmations that they can receive, they can move from the Christian dating stage with confidence into the engagement stage.
2. I do not recommend a prolonged engagement once the couple decides to get married. If they have done the process in a “seasoning” manner, they should plan to marry as practical – with mutual agreement. I say this so that pre-marital sex will not be a temptation.
MARRIAGE STAGE:
The couple should be able to enjoy the blessings of God as well as family and friends as they move into a marriage that has been well planned and confirmed in a healthy process. They can be assured that they have taken the steps to assure a long and satisfying marriage.
There are so many voices at play in our world today. Many of these encourage us to rush into marriage with anyone as soon as we find a strong attraction. This is not wise and God wants to mature you in your Christian dating and bonding process. It is my prayer that Christian singles will use the above to develop their own Christian dating guide for building a strong and satisfying relationship.
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