Dating vs seeing

Dating Rules: Selling Yourself vs. Being Yourself

Dating guides frequently give strict rules about how to behave around prospective partners. There are dictates about who should pick the restaurant and pay the check, how far in advance the date should be requested, and how long to wait before sending the follow-up text.

We’re advised to be open, but also mysterious. To wear makeup, but don’t try too hard. And always, always be positive.

In my book, It’s Not You. I rail against the dating gurus who tie us in knots of self-doubt with their narrow and often contradictory prescriptions for how to be lovable. Readers have questioned me about this. After all, doesn’t dating require a bit of salesmanship—choosing a nice profile picture, cherry-picking your favorite books and movies (your love of War and Peace is well documented, Bridget Jones’s Diary not so much), wearing smart clothes, and emphasizing the parts of your life that are going well (your promotion at work) over those that are not (your ongoing feud with your sister)?

It’s true. Showing up to a date in a wrinkled t-shirt and unwashed jeans is a bad idea. So is complaining about your back pain or your ex-wife.

But here’s what’s interesting about this question: Why do we assume that our best selves are fake? Why is the “real” you the one who falls asleep in front of the television with potato chip crumbs on her sweatshirt and curses her boss under her breath? As opposed to the one who rescues stray dogs and looks damn fine in a halter dress?

At the Buddhist meditation center where I study, I frequently staff weekend retreats. At the beginning of each program, we’re asked to create an uplifted environment. We make sure the cushions are straight, the flowers are fresh and the dining room chairs pushed in. We wear nice clothes and try to ensure that everyone who comes in the center feels welcome and comfortable.

Are we being fake? No. We’re merely treating ourselves and others with respect. We’re turning our attention not to what others think of us, but to how can we give them the best experience possible.

I think this principle applies perfectly to dating. Too often, dating is presented as a business transaction. We set our terms and conditions (“He’d better pay for my drink or I’m outta here”) and calculate our advantages (“I hope she realizes she’s not getting any younger, whereas I have all the time in the world”).

We try to sell ourselves. Our pitches will vary depending on how confident we feel or how hot our date is. Sometime we take on the slightly hunched or overly slick demeanor of the seller (“I have to get her to like me!”). And sometimes we see ourselves as the “buyer,” with the power to coolly evaluate whether or not this person is worth our time.

Seeing ourselves and others as commodities makes dating stressful and no fun. So instead, why not see the date for what it is: a meeting of two people, trying to connect. Instead of attempting to impress or get the upper hand, why not simply treat your date with kindness and respect? Wear a nice dress. Take an interest in her job. Compliment his wine-choosing skills. Ask if she’s warm enough by the window.

It’s not about scoring brownie points or playing by the rules. It’s about making the evening as pleasant as possible for both of you. That way, no matter what happens, you both win.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Courting vs. Dating: Just What Does It All Mean?

There was a discussion the other day on the Facebook page about courting vs. dating and why each was the better option. A lot of people who were pro-dating and anti-courting seemed to have a few misguided ideas of what, exactly, courting is, and that could be why there were so against it. So let's first define our terms:

Courting is the idea that you meet someone that you're interested in a future with--marriage being the end goal. You pray about it, discuss it with your parents and/or pastor, and then discuss it with the parents of the person you want to court--asking permission. The Duggars show made it a bit confusing, they showed the beginning of the relationship between Josh and Anna as their engagement. This clearly was not their first meeting or their first time together. During the courting process you don't spend time alone, but with chaperones. However, you do get to talk on the phone privately and email.

Dating can be looked at many different ways. You can date many different people at once casually, you can date one person at a time more seriously, or both at the same time and marriage doesn't have to be the end goal--it can be just to have fun.

Michelle and Jim Bob describe their pre-marriage time together as dating. They weren't chaperoned. They did save themselves for marriage in a sexual way, but they do admit that things "went further than they should have" and that they did kiss before they married. We can only guess what they're referring to.

I think it's important to point out that the Duggar children are not required to go through the courtship process--it's a choice each child gets to make. In fact, when you watch the episode where Josh proposes, he goes out of his way to insist repeatedly that it was his choice to court rather than date. The older girls are also interviewed and express interest in courtship. However this was 3 seasons ago--or maybe 4 depending on how you count--it was season one. They are older and they've witnessed cousin Amy's different boyfriends and multitude of break-ups since then.

The pro-daters seem to see dating as a way to gain experience and learn what you want. I am not going to pretend that I didn't date--I did--a lot. I've been married three times and engaged even more. So I know the ins and outs of the dating ritual in many different forms. I will say this--if you're dating to learn what you want, you shouldn't be dating. Why? Because you clearly don't know yourself yet, if you don't know yourself, you shouldn't be dating other people--you aren't ready. Why would you want to be in a serious relationship with someone if you weren't headed towards marriage or a lifetime together? What's the point? Fun? You can have fun with friends, even friends of the opposite sex, without having to be in a serious relationship.

Not all experiences are good. In fact, I've had many unpleasant ones from dating and the baggage I brought into my marriage wasn't fair for my husband to have to carry. I dated an alcoholic who couldn't tell the truth to save his life. All those lies took their toll and it was very hard to trust when a good guy came along. That was not fair at all--and the only reason I was in that relationship was because I was letting my hormones do the thinking for me. And if you get a guy (or girl) who's verbally or physically abusive (G-d forbid) that takes years and lots of self-help and/or therapy to get over, if you ever do really get over it. That will also make it hard to trust when you move into a relationship with someone healthy and they end up paying the price for something someone else did you to.

Now where do I stand on this? I am all for parents being involved in the process of their kids dating. I don't think they should have the ultimate choice in who their kids date, but I think they should be present as a support system for their children. I think they should know what's going on and be able to talk to their kids about any problems or concerns raised when dating. I like that the Duggars are there for their kids. I personally couldn't abide by the strictness of courting, at least not when I was in my 30s and 40s. I probably could have handled it when I was a late teen or in my early 20s, but frankly, it never came up. I do wish my parents had said a few things about the men I married before my current husband, but when you aren't raised like that, you tend not to listen even if they do say something. I knew walking down the aisle that my first marriage was going to be a mistake, but I was more afraid of cancelling 5 minutes before the ceremony than I was of making the mistake--that's wrong.

I think both styles have their good points and their bad points. I do think it needs to be the choice of the participants, not their parents. No one should be forced into a way of thinking, taught about it sure, but not forced into it. Informed decisions are always a good idea.

Anna Kendrick Not Dating Game of Thrones ' Alfie Allen, but Check Out the Mystery Guy She Is Seeing!

Stephen Lovekin/Getty Images

Don't believe everything you read, folks!

Despite numerous media reports, Anna Kendrick is not dating Game of Thrones actor Alfie Allen .

Kendrick took to Twitter to shoot down the rumors, saying. "Ahh, this has been hilarious and all but, nope. My apologies to Mr. Allen, who must be equally confused."

But wait, there's more…

While the beloved actress may not be cozying up to the adorable Brit, she is spending some quality time with a new mystery man!

The 29-year-old has been keeping her new relationship on the down low as of late, but was actually spotted attending the Monique Lhuillier fashion show during Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week in New York back in February of this year.

Kendrick actually sat in the front row next to Emmy Rossum . while her new beau sat directly behind her in order to avoid any unwanted attention. So sneaky!

Kendrick most recently split from director Edgar Wright . whom she dated for nearly five years.

And in a recent interview with Elle magazine. the Pitch Perfect star joked about her dating life, saying that she hadn't been hit on in five years.

"Honest to God," she told the women's publication.

She also shared, "When I was a teenager I was an ultra-late bloomer, and my mom would say it was a blessing, because it means you never have to wonder if guys are only interested in you because you've got boobs. I would have been thrilled if guys were interested in me because of my boobs!"

PHOTOS: Anna Kendrick's best looks

Which Dating Site is Right for you?

When I was in college, the high point of the day was coming home to a blinking answering machine, meaning someone called and left a message. Before caller ID, email, voicemail, text messaging, IM, wall postings, and poking there was…a blinking light.

I heard people wondering about online dating and they ask, as if it’s a binary question: Should I do it – yes or no?

However, that’s the wrong approach. The better question is one of degrees: how much online dating should I do?

An online dating site should be on any singleton’s menu of meeting places, which is no longer limited to the local bar or random parties. As with most things, it’s the extremes that come across as weird, such as someone that only does online dating or someone that does no online dating at all.

So, which dating site is best for you? Well, I’ve personally used Match, eHarmony, Plenty of Fish and OK Cupid. They all have some similarities as well as some major differences:

Major Difference

eHarmony is front-loaded, meaning that you have to fill out a ton of questions and essays ahead of time before you even start meeting anyone. This can take hours .

Best Aspect

After you’ve completed that first major step of filling out all of those questions and essays, you can essentially sit back as eHarmony sends you profiles of people that it thinks are right for you. I have friends that love this because it takes some of the trepidation out of meeting people; there’s always the sense that “Hey, eHarmony thinks we’d get along.”