Dating with dignity

5 Dating Rules you Should Never Break

When it comes to your love life, do you wish there was a rule book? While The Rules are so last century, a new dating handbook has yet to be created in the new millennium.

So how do you know the dos and don’ts of dating? The truth is there are no hard and fast rules, but the following guidelines should help you navigate the tricky terrain known as your dating life.

Rule #1: Listen to Your Gut

Whether you’re on a date, communicating with someone you meet online, or flirting with a cutie you meet in the flesh, it’s important to pay attention and listen to your gut. If a potential date’s actions or words set off an internal alarm system, you owe it to yourself to pay attention and act accordingly. These alarms can be both good and bad. For example, if you’ve met someone online and they seem interesting, then you talk to them on the phone and they sound completely different (in a negative way), you may decide not to meet them in person. A positive example would be if you were on a date with someone and they seemed nervous but well intentioned, your gut might tell you to give them a second chance. By going on a second date, you’ll gain a better understanding of who they really are and if you’d like to see them again.

Rule #2: Pay Attention to Red Flags

Like those internal alarms that alert you to your gut feelings, you also have an alarm system to alert you to red flags. Oftentimes this alarm system is turned way down. As a result, we often ignore red flags and find ourselves getting involved with inappropriate partners because we’re not paying attention. To become a truly successful single in the new millennium, you owe it to yourself to become a red flag specialist. That means paying attention to red flags as they are presented to you on dates. An example of a red flag would be if you found yourself on a date with someone who could not stop talking about their ex. They may be a fantastic person, and eventually make a great partner, but right now they’re not ready. Your job is to pay attention to that red flag and not pursue them.

Rule #3: Actions Speak Louder Than Words

During the course of your dating life you will most likely find yourself on a date with someone whose actions speak much louder than their words. Maybe they’re attentive and chivalrous to you, but treat the waiter, bartender, and/or valet poorly. Or maybe they claim they’re ready for a long-term relationship, but their wandering eye tells you otherwise. To get the most out of your dating life, it’s important to understand that actions speak louder than words. When someone’s actions are contrary to their words, this is not only a red flag, it’s gut-check time. By paying attention and screening out potential partners whose actions don’t match their words, you cut down on wasted dating time and make it that much easier to attract potential partners worth your time and energy.

Rule #4: Don’t Play Games

Successful singles know what goes around comes around. They also know the importance of being honest and well-intentioned with the people they date. As a successful single, you owe it to yourself and the individuals you date not to play games. Call when you say you’re going to call. Do what you say you’re going to do, and be honest when the other person asks if you’d like to go out again. If you don’t want to see them again, say so in a kind and considerate way. By being honest and letting them down easy, you avoid playing games. Expect the same in return. If you don’t get it, don’t play games by taking that out on the next person you date.

Rule #5: Know When to Say “Game Over”

Just as you should not play dating games, you will want to avoid getting played. Like it or not, there are plenty of players on the dating scene. It’s up to you to know the signs of the player, know their game, and be confident enough to say “game over.” Here’s how to spot a player: When they approach, they’ll take you off guard with a backhanded compliment/insult along the lines of “you’re too cute to be wearing that” or “I’d buy you a drink, but you probably wouldn’t talk to me.” These tactics are known as The Game. The player’s motive is to take you off guard so that you’re on the defensive and try to make up for it by engaging in their game. The problem is, these players aren’t genuine. Instead of falling for their tactics, simply smile, say “game over,” and walk (better yet, run!) away.

While there are no hard and fast dating rules, there are definitely guidelines to follow to make your dating life more enjoyable. By listening to your gut, paying attention to red flags, and understanding that actions speak louder than words, you cut down on wasted dating time. In doing so, you not only avoid getting played, but you also greatly increase your chances of relationship success.

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Does He Want to Marry Me? The Dating With Dignity Guide to Getting Engaged

A quick quiz for all you Dignity Daters out there who are curious if the man you’re dating wants to marry you. Do you find yourself wondering “Does he want to marry me?” regularly? After one or two years together (or maybe three or four!), it’s natural for you to start thinking about the “M” word… That’s right: marriage. If you’re truly questioning if your man wants to marry you, do make sure you pay attention to his actions. For those who are genuinely confused (And for good reason, as these men we speak of can be very confusing!), here is the Dating with Dignity Guide to Getting Engaged.

There are a few surefire signs that your man is in it to win it–and that means winning your hand in marriage. Here are four signs he wants to commit for the long haul:

1. He includes you in his future plans If your boyfriend can plan only ahead a few days, chances are he might not see you in his permanent future. A man who plans to spend the rest of his life with someone will be okay with (and excited about) planning for trips together in the distant future: months ahead, or even into next year. If he says “we” often instead of only “me,” this means he can see you in his life for longer than the span of your dating relationship. Have you been on a vacation together yet? Have you talked about going on a vacation together? Has he discussed whether he thinks your kids would have his eyes or your nose? Do you live together? Have you talked about living together? If the answer to any of those questions is yes, there’s a good chance he wants to marry you.

2. He makes sure you meet his family and friends If you find yourself getting invited to every possible family function and every friend-laden BBQ or birthday party, consider yourself in a good position for a ring. A man who wants to marry you will want you to meet and get to know his family well. He’ll also want to make sure you get along with his friends, so it’s important to note if he attends most of his friend’s functions solo or with you on his arm at every one. If you’ve met your potential in-laws at least once (and it went well), it’s a good indicator that if he feels comfortable enough introducing you to his parents, he’ll feel comfortable enough getting down on one knee.

3. He’s in a place in his life where he feels good about his career and professional life Men want to be able to provide for their partners. Before getting married it’s natural for a man to want to have good credit, a stable job, steady income, etc. If your man is letting you know about his recent accomplishments at work or the raise he just got, this is a good sign he’s thinking about having you as his wife (and one he can support)! Often this one part of his life NOT being in order can be the cause of his hesitation or delay.

4. Are most of his friends married or single? How does he react when he hears about someone who’s newly engaged? If most of your man’s friends are married, marriage will probably at minimum be on his mind. If most of his friends are single, it’s less likely as he’ll not be feeling any pressure. Many married friends? He’ll probably want to join the troops. However, if he responds with statements like “And another one bites the dust!” when his cousin Jay posts his engagement photos on Facebook, as the Magic 8 Ball would say, signs point to NO. But if he reacts with excitement that people around him are getting engaged, this is good news. There is truly nothing you can do to speed up the clock of when a man will be ready to propose to you. As our old friends from Sex and the City would say, “Men are like cabs. They drive around dating women and picking them up, but their cab light may not be on. When a man wants to get married he turns on his light; and then oftentimes, the next woman he picks up, he marries!” So will it be you? Take a look above and check for four signs he wants to marry you. You just might be next.

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What Dating With Dignity And Dating Without Drama Is All About: The Plight Of The Alpha Female

My method assures your dignity intact in every situation. Even when he’s not ready or he’s not the one, when you move on he won’t easily forget a woman like you because you leave such an imprint in his mind. He has never met a woman like you: so dignified, so cool, so mature, so soft, feminine and non-reactive. And if there is ever a chance for both of you to have a relationship in the future, you’ll be the first whose door he knocks on. But of course he has to be real swift because a woman like you doesn’t stay single for very long.

Ruby feels after two months of dating, he should want to move the relationship forward but so far he only sees her once a week with not much communication in between. She is thinking of walking away because she feels so attached already. This is an interesting behavioral pattern of an anxious-avoidant. She wants things to get deeper - and can’t wait for that to happen - but at the same time she’s scared to get deeper herself without assurance/guarantee that they are a couple (I’m sure you’re familiar with the whole routine here).

“So, great date Friday night. Nice dinner, then we went to my place and watched a film. Fooled around. He showered me with compliments, I felt he was really present. When we said goodbye he said “talk to you tomorrow”. Then I did not hear from him yesterday. I’m confused because this doesn’t feel good. It’s been almost 6 weeks. In past relationships where there has been a similar level of intimacy, attraction and interest, a momentum builds due to communication and frequency of seeing each other. Trust builds, too, when people do what they say they will do.

Communication is key here. I get that I’m getting emotionally attached here, but is’t that natural? Isn’t it right to have a flag go up if a guy doesn’t keep his word? As women, are we always to lean back and just accept whatever he does, even if it doesn’t work for us? Feeling conflicted. And yes, still dating other guys, but no one has compared. Is it ok to communicate to him somehow that I love hearing from him?

It’s always on his terms which makes me feel a little like a puppet. It seems like a tricky tightrope to strike the balance between being true to yourself and letting him lead, if it’s not something that feels good to me. You know? This is hard, Katarina! It’s hard because I am a go-getter, a director, an over achiever and I’m wickedly smart. I also had a VERY insecure childhood which left me with a lot of anxiety as an adult, and insecure attachment. I WANT TO FOLLOW YOUR ADVICE! I’m just faced with a lot of emotional stress when I try.”

A lot of women have a problem with following a man’s lead and often come up with an argument like the last paragraph.

And of course a lot of women will communicate what they want or need to the guys they date just because they feel justified with how well things have been and they are ready for more and they can’t wait. If they don’t, they feel they are being inauthentic or even worse a pushover giving the men “all the power to dictate everything on their own terms.”

And then the women usually become reactive and take offense that they are not “good enough” to “deserve more” than whatever these guys are capable of giving at the moment so they usually give an ultimatum or walk away hoping these guys will chase them or give them what they want only to find themselves nowhere near ready to pull the plug thanks to the strong attraction and attachment.

Everyday in my job this scenario is repeated over and over with different women who are looking for answers on how to deal with this issue.

There are a few things that warrant serious scrutiny here:

1. How can you feel so deep about a guy who keeps a safe distance from you, who only sees you once a week and with little communication in between? Isn’t it your own wishful thinking of his potential instead of who he actually is magnified in your head with more wishful thinking? That’s what makes you over-invest in any guy. because you keep fantasizing about what it could be instead of seeing it for what it truly is.

And this is actually common among women who are avoidant (emotionally unavailable) themselves. They fall for the guy exactly because he’s safe and distant. Say for whatever reason, he’s so sure about wanting a relationship with them, I bet they’ll run for the nearest hills cause “he’s just needy” or “possessive.”

You are not ready yourself for anything serious.

I know I wasn’t when I first met my ex, having just been out of a 9-year relationship but I thought I wanted a relationship. So I was gravitated to him because he was safe and distant because I needed the distance myself to sort my head out and regain and enjoy my independence. But of course I didn’t know back then. Hindsight is always 20/20. Ruby, having just broken up from her boyfriend only a less than a year ago, is exactly in that stage.

2. Bringing the talk only makes you appear presumptuous and pushy. He speaks to you clearly of his “intentions” (and all those things you require from a man) with his actions. He hasn’t included you much in his life. It’s because he doesn’t want to or he’s not ready for that. You telling him what you think he should do or what you want isn’t going to make him grow more liking toward you or want to come closer to you. It’s in fact the total opposite. If the thousands of women who find me thanks to this junk advice of bringing up the talk are of any indication, it’s really a waste of time and energy to even contemplate doing this.

3. You getting all huffed and puffed because he’s not where you are at the moment even makes you less appealing to him. It’s just too much drama (see what Paige Parker has to say about dating without drama ) . He likes you, he enjoys your company but he feels like you’re making him an asshole for not wanting what you want exactly when you want it. That is pretty bossy and pushy, isn’t it, now that someone puts it that way?

If a guy isn’t giving me an indication that he’s ready for anything hot and heavy I’ll feel so icky and awkward about bringing this subject up with him. It’s like asking a colleague if she/he has STD’s. It’s none of your business. He’s having his boundaries and I’m stepping all over them because I feel justified to feel how I feel for whatever reason I hold in my head. A lot of women do that and they are not getting what they want cause it shows a lack of decorum and it is plain reactive and unattractive. It smacks desperation. He wants a prize, not a desperate housewife wannabe.

You lose a score or five in his eyes, that’s why he’s reluctant to run after you. Putting a guy in a corner never works. Most men stay away from drama.

You are allowed your own pace but until he is on the same page as you, it’s really futile to force your pace on him. Why isn’t he allowed his pace? What is the purpose of this drama prone guilt trip imposed on him? It’s only two months after all, not two years!

4. “Everything on his terms” is following and trusting his leadership in my book. If you aren’t comfortable following a man’s lead, then you are not cut out to be with a masculine man - which entails MOST MEN. And if you have seen repeated same problems in your previous relationships, it’s time to change that mindset or stay trapped.

5. You don’t want a guy who does things because he has to anyway. In the long run, you want him to want to do all those things because his heart, his love and adoration toward you compel him to do so, not because you tell him to do so or threaten him.

You want to be a high-value woman in his eyes so you gotta stop all these chasing behaviors (yes bringing up the talk is chasing) that are simply not high-value and downright pushy, needy and masculine. Yes you are an alpha female but if you want an alpha male, you gotta at least act beta with him .

What you have to do is to manage your investment and attraction. Yes they are actually manageable. Use your single card, that is what rotation is for. Find a few guys who are just like him and you will never have to so get ahead of yourself or any guy.

My method assures your dignity intact in every situation (see what Marni Battista says about dating with dignity ). Even when he’s not ready or he’s not the one, when you move on he won’t easily forget a woman like you because you leave such an imprint in his mind. You impress him so much. He has never met a woman like you: so dignified, so cool, so mature, so soft, feminine and non reactive. And if there is ever a chance for both of you to have a relationship in the future, you’ll be the first whose door he knocks on. But of course he has to be real swift because a woman like you doesn’t stay single for very long.

That recognition from any man will further strengthen your self-esteem and you will see that there is no need for all these anxiety induced expectations and expectation induced anxiety whatsoever.

A high-value woman doesn’t have to play hard to get (if that means making him jumping through hoops) but she surely is very easy to lose.

This is what dating with dignity is all about. It’s a terrific training ground for your personal growth. Now to go further along on the path, you won’t want to miss my Journey Inward and Four Components Of Melting His Heart group coaching through which my client Chrissy managed to melt her man’s heart so much even before the end of the program that he proposed!

Have you read my book yet? If not grab it here because you will learn so much about a lot of things that haven’t worked for you in your love life and how to fix them. And I have just recently updated it with additional 20 new pages so there is more meat in it now. If you sign up to my newsletter. you will receive the first three chapters. This book is a primer on dating and gaining a man’s love and adoration for any woman. You can also be irresistible like my client Arida and get him to step up and claim you by attending my Journey Inward group coaching .

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