Online Dating | the best way to find, get & keep a date "or" make your
fantasy come true
What goes thru your head when you think "online dating"?
Is it that it’s too complicated or is it a fun & easy way to browse for women or simply a stress & risk free way to get a date, to connect.
We are not going to teach you how to search for dating sites & sign up on them.
Instead, we will provide you with the resources to get a date by providing you with potential dating sites, flower candy vendors, lingerie gift sites, etc.
Are You Her Lover Or Her Boyfriend?
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It isn't a secret that women have internal checklists when it comes to men and dating, but you may be surprised at just how many categories women have to classify all the men they meet. It isn't as simple as “yes” or “no” anymore. The first hurdle to conquer in your pursuit of a woman is to make sure that you aren't sidelined into the platonic category, or even worse, the “completely not interested” category.
If at least three of the following apply to you and your lady friend, you can assume that you are in the running for a more-than-platonic future. If not, you could very well be headed for the dreaded F-word — friends — in which case it might be better to cut your losses and move on to a new target.
We have exchanged contact information and have each initiated communication on more than one occasion.
We have had more than three scheduled one-on-one encounters.
We have kissed more than twice and at least once without the help of alcohol.
At the end of each meeting, a subsequent date is already implied or confirmed.
If you've managed to pass the test and meet a woman's basic interest level, you aren't necessarily home-free yet. Regardless of her attraction to you, remember that not all relationships are created equal. Women have increasingly gotten on board with the idea of taking a lover instead of committing to a relationship, making it even more difficult for men to figure out where they fit in.
So, just how does she decide whether to take you for a ride in the sack or for dinner with her parents? The easy answer would be that if she is attracted to you, she wants to have you as her boyfriend, but we all know women are much more complicated than that. Most of the factors that affect her decision have nothing to do with you and happen on a much more subconscious level than a superficial analysis of your appearance, job or personality. Take a look at the factors that come into play and find out how to spot a woman who is looking for the same thing you are.
the deciding factors
Her lifestyle
In choosing whether to take you as a lover or a boyfriend, a woman will undoubtedly consider how you would fit into the rest of her life. Whether she has a hectic work schedule or an active social life, she will need a boyfriend who can easily join her activities and mesh with her social circle. That being said, if she can't imagine you getting along with her friends or finding her weekend activities enjoyable, she will most likely have you tackle only her bedroom requirements rather than rearrange her life to suit you.
To find out which way she's leaning, take a look at some clues she might be throwing your way.
She wants a boyfriend if she:
Says that you and her best friend/brother/cousin have a lot in common and would get along.
Discusses her plans or goals for the future and shows an interest in yours.
Doesn't hesitate to introduce you when she runs into someone she knows.
Asks for your help with something she is unable to do on her own.
Her last relationship and her dating style can also provide valuable clues…
Dating vs. boyfriend/girlfriend?
I guess I'm kind of new to all of this.
What's the difference between "just dating" and "boyfriend/girlfriend"? Yes, I know "just dating" is non-commital, but--
J T. says:
The minute u both only have sex with the other then u are bf and gf whether it is stated officially with a title or not. Other than that u are just dating. Sex determines mating in the animal kingdom and the moment you spurn potential mates and select one to copulate with is the moment you are committed.
5-8 years ago your statement would be true (for girls at lease). In this current society, girls will test the bounds and play the field just as much as the boys. Nowadays, everything has to be distinctly communicated.
With that said, the responses (to the thread topic) can probably be categorized by the yelper's age.
Dating vs. Hanging Out
Something scares you. It's not terrorism, economic recession, global warming, or gasoline prices that could hit 10 bucks per gallon by the time you're done reading this. These things might worry you, but something else makes your palms sweat and your pulse hit triple digits: asking someone out on a date.
That's because asking someone out involves potential pain. If the object of your affection becomes aware of your intentions, he or she might not reciprocate, and that's going to hurt. I don't care if you're the most self-confident, well-adjusted person around; rejection hurts. It makes the remaining friendship awkward at best, humiliating at worst. Revealing romantic feelings is a risky business.
Many people find a way around the risk. Or at least they think they do. Instead of asking someone out on a date and being bold in their intentions, they turn to the soggy milquetoast alternative to dating: "hanging out."
Here's how it works: You like someone but you're afraid to let him or her know. So instead of asking the person on a date, you go on approximations of dates that allow for plausible deniability of all romantic intentions. You study together. You exercise together. You find lame excuses to call, text, and e-mail. Worst of all, you engage in the most banal and abysmal of non-dates-going to coffee. It has the trappings of a date-a cozy ambiance, comforting beverages, atmospheric music-while allowing everyone involved to disavow the actual occurrence of a date. Fear of rejection alone has resulted in the proliferation of Starbucks like a French-roasted virus.
People suffer through this in the hope that the object of their affection will eventually buckle and reveal his or her true feelings. They wait and watch. They keep making up excuses to hang out, hedging all their bets and waiting for God to give them a sign. If you've been down this road before, you know that it's seldom successful. You remain stuck in the "friend zone," which is relationship purgatory if you have a crush on someone.
Are We Dating or Not?
While I was doing research for What Women Wish You Knew about Dating . the biggest complaint I heard from Christian women was that Christian men weren't assertive enough. They described men who drove them crazy by calling and hanging around while never asking them out on a real date. They said that it was exhausting trying to figure out which guys liked them versus which guys liked them. So let's cover a few differences between dating and hanging out, in hopes of making life easier for these ladies.
Asking someone if they'll be at church next week is hanging out. Asking someone if they would like to go out with you is dating.
Making up a reason to call, e-mail, or text someone is hanging out. Calling just because you want to talk, and telling the person so, is dating.
Going to coffee is hanging out. Going to dinner is dating.
Doing something with the object of your affection and seven other friends is hanging out. If the two of you do something alone, it's dating.
Hiding your feelings is hanging out. Telling someone you're interested in pursuing a more serious relationship is dating.
The Purpose of Hanging Out
Go ahead and hang out with someone if you're just getting to know him or her. By all means, don't ask a person out just because you think he or she is cute but know nothing else about them. You might have nothing in common with the person. The music she loves might make you nauseous. He might be a serial killer. OK, he's probably not a serial killer, but you get my point. It's important to hang out before asking out. The problem is that many people never make the leap. They hang out perpetually, creating confusion and tension that could easily be dissipated by asking someone on a date.
I often get the questions, "How do you know when it's time for a friendship to go further?" or "When should two people stop hanging out and start dating?" Figuring that out is the easy part. If you find the person attractive, you can't stop thinking about him or her, and you're unsatisfied with the intimacy that friendship provides, then it's time to ask out instead of hang out. The problem usually isn't that people don't know whether or not they want to date, it's that they're afraid the other person doesn't feel the same way.
Rising Above Rejection
This kind of fearful hemming and hawing isn't how Christians should do things. This isn't who God created us to be. I'm not saying that in deference to antiquated courtship rituals. I mean we shouldn't be so scared. We shouldn't be afraid to date. Overcoming this fear involves two steps:
Get a life
Something needs to be more important to you than finding a boyfriend or girlfriend. You need a passion, something that excites you and gives your life meaning and purpose. It should be something thrilling and at least a little daunting. Not only will this give your life focus and keep you busy, it can build self-esteem. As you begin to move toward your goals, you'll feel better about yourself. Have you ever noticed that a lot of people find love when they're not looking very hard for it? It's usually because they're in the middle of a meaningful journey. And that just happens to make them more attractive. This part should be easy for Christians. We have something, or rather Someone, who's eager to give our life a sense of mission, meaning, and value.
Be authentic
At some point, someone decided it wasn't cool to let someone know that you're interested in him or her. I guess people think it makes you seem desperate. That can be the case sometimes, but it's not true if you've taken care of Step 1 above. Being honest and bold about your feelings doesn't come off as cheesy if you have self-confidence. It signifies courage and self-esteem. It shows that getting rejected won't devastate you because you know and like who you are. The alternative to this is "hanging out" with someone and hoping to catch a lucky break. That takes a lot more time and trouble to get what usually turns out to be the same result.
First John 4:18 says that "perfect love drives out fear." While it's normal to be nervous when you ask someone out, God's perfect love should cast out all fear that you're unlovable, unworthy, and destined to be alone. You're exploring the possibility of a relationship with one person. If it doesn't work out, God's love will take care of you far more than the love of any human on earth.
More articles on dating:
Related Questions
What are some ways to identify and deal with unhealthy relationships? And what strategies can people use to enhance relationships? What are some internal and external support resources that are available for people dealing with unhealthy relationships?
Dear Reader,
Throughout our lives, we are involved in many different kinds of relationships. We have friendships, romances, work and school-related connections, familial ties, and, quite often, relations that defy categorization. Each of these situations has the potential to enrich us, adding to our feelings of self-worth, enjoyment, and growth. These relationships are healthy.
On the other hand, in other situations, we may find ourselves feeling uncomfortable. It can be difficult to come to the realization that a lover, friend, colleague, or family member is not treating us with the respect we deserve. Keep in mind that in all kinds of kinships, there is likely to be some disagreement, need for compromise, and times of frustration. These alone do not necessarily indicate that a relationship is unhealthy. Here are some things to think about when considering whether a particular bond is a healthy one or not:
In a healthy relationship, you:
Treat each other with respect
Feel secure and comfortable
Are not violent with each other
Can resolve conflicts satisfactorily
Enjoy the time you spend together
Support one another
Take interest in one another's lives: health, family, work, etc.
Have privacy in the relationship
Can trust each other
Are each sexual by choice
Communicate clearly and openly
Have letters, phone calls, and e-mail that are your own
Make healthy decisions about alcohol or other drugs
Encourage other friendships
Are honest about your past and present sexual activity if the relationship is intimate
Know that most people in your life are happy about the relationship
Have more good times in the relationship than bad
In an unhealthy relationship, one or both of you:
Try to control or manipulate the other
Make the other feel bad about her/himself
Ridicule or call names
Dictate how the other dresses
Do not make time for each other
Criticize the other's friends
Are afraid of the other's temper
Discourage the other from being close with anyone else
Ignore each other when one is speaking
Are overly possessive or get jealous about ordinary behavior
Criticize or support others in criticizing people with your gender, race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, religion, disability, or other personal attribute
Control the other's money or other resources (e. g. car)
Harm or threaten to harm children, family, pets, or objects of personal value
Push, grab, hit, punch, or throw objects
Use physical force or threats to prevent the other from leaving
Sometimes it's not so easy to decide if a troublesome tie should be maintained the way it is, worked on, or ended before it goes any further. One thing to consider is if the relationship was ever different than it is now. Is there something stressful happening that could be impacting the way you interact? Maybe money is tight, you've moved, are looking for work, are dealing with a difficult family circumstance, or are going through some other kind of transition. Or maybe there are problems from a while back that were never resolved, and are now resurfacing. What in particular is bothering you, and what would you like to see change? Talk over these questions with each other, or with someone you trust, like a friend, teacher, or counselor. Think about what, if anything, you can each do to make the other feel more comfortable in the relationship.
If a partner, friend, or colleague is harming you or your loved ones physically, emotionally, or sexually, it's time to seek help. If s/he is encouraging other harmful behaviors, like abuse of alcohol or other drugs, unsafe sexual activity, or other activities that make you feel uncomfortable, you have a right to leave. There are a lot of resources available to help you.
If you or someone you know needs help with an unhealthy relationship, the following organizations can provide information and support. At Columbia, you can call Counseling and Psychological Services (Morningside) or the Mental Health Service (CUMC). Barnard Health and Mental Health Services. Nightline (confidential peer counseling) at (212) 854-7777, or the Sexual Violence Response & Rape Crisis/Anti-Violence Support Center (available to both Columbia and Barnard students) at (212) 854-HELP (-4357).
National Bilingual Hotline: (800) 799-SAFE (-7233)
(will translate into over 130 languages)
(offers a practice directory for referrals to psychological services)
I. What's wrong with dating?
Introduction
Our attitude to dating is not so much a matter of church policy but a matter of family government. Laying a solid foundation in this area is a parental reponsibility, but the church has a responsibility to hold the family accountable to the Word of God. If we want our young people to be prepared for marriage these are the questions that we must ask:
What is the best way to be prepared?
Is dating an effective preparation for marriage?
In answering these questions, we need to know the criteria by which the answers must be judged. Our culture finds it hard to make such judgements because the dating scene seems to be an expression of "teenagers in love" - and love is thought to be something that just happens, over which we have no control. Dating is part of the lie of the enemy that is ensnaring our young people. The Bible tells us that all that has to do with love can and must be tested. The test is Rom 13:10 - "true love does no harm to a neighbour and fulfills the law." So we must find a lawful way for our young people to fall in love and prepare for marriage.
We will start by highlighting three areas in which the modern system of dating fails to meet the standards of God's Word, and thus may be described as an unlawful expression of love.
1. Cultural Pressure
Most teenagers date because it is the thing to do. It is an established cultural norm to be followed without further question. Most parents continue to allow dating because it is the way that they did things in their day, and they believe that they survived. (But as we shall see, they probably did not survive unscathed).
The fact that "everybody does it " is not a reason for continuing to do it, but a reason for questioning it. 1 Jn 2:15-17 states, "Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world - the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life - is not of the Father but is of the world. And the world is passing away, and the lust of it; but he who does the will of God abides forever."
Is dating morally neutral? Is it just an innocent cultural expression; the way we do things in the west in the present century? Or is it a product of "the world?" Jim West has defined a date as, "Any planned event involving a shared activity between a man and a woman" - one person asks the other to share in an activity, and a publicly recognizable pairing occurs. It always implies some kind of romantic interest, and both parties know this even if the date is going to a church meeting or to a Bible study. But what could be the harm in that, you may ask?
Compare this cultural norm with the one that prevailed in western civilization until the early part of this century. Ask yourself these questions: "Which is more biblical?" "Are the changes morally neutral?"
a) Previous Culture:
In earlier times, all courtship included rigid supervision and protection of the female. It was built on the premise of family introductions, and the focus was on the father's role in establishing a new family, hence the question in the marriage ceremony, "Who gives this woman away?"
b) Present Culture:
In our day, dating arrangements are made entirely by young people apart from parental involvement. The date is planned by young people with a known expectation of physical intimacy. All that is unknown is its degree, or the speed of its intensification. A woman is left very vulnerable. Without her father's protection, she alone must determine the degree of sexual intimacy, and that in the heat of the moment. Furthermore, there is no commitment beyond the next date; relationships (and thus marriage) are initiated out of a romantic attraction.
When the two alternative cultures are compared with a biblical model there is no question which is the more acceptable.
2. Sexual Pressure
We are confronted with a massive predominance of amorality. Sexual activity among teenagers is commonplace. It remains true that it is very unlikely that a girl will get pregnant if she does not go on a date. But the practice of dating has transformed the nature of teenage sexuality.
In the US more than one million teenagers get pregnant annually.
40% end in abortion; 13% in a miscarriage.
90% of males and 80% of females are sexually active by the age of eighteen years.
One in five girls will be date - raped, but only 5% report it.
50% of teenagers think it is OK to force sex.
What are the factors underlying this terrible state of affairs?
(a) Dating (contrary to the Bible) makes "provision for the flesh" (Rom 13: 13, 14)
Dating is in direct contradiction of the following scriptures that admonish us to flee youthful lusts (Eph 4:22; 2Tim 2:22); flee fornication (1Cor 6:18). "Flee" is not merely refraining from sexual intercourse, it means staying away as far as possible from the beginning of the process. Fornication is an expression of lust not love. It seeks self-satisfaction apart from the responsibilities of marriage. It is not love (Rom 13: 8-10). It is robbing! It robs a woman of her virginity. It robs a man of the inheritance of an unspoiled wife, and robs the institution of the family of its true foundation.
(b) Naive views of human sexuality
It is naive to think that an invitation to a Bible study has no romantic connotations, or to think that any form of male/female touching is not sexual - a "touch" is sexual. (1Cor 7:1; Gen 20:4,6; Prov 6:29). It is good for a man not to touch a woman. It is naive to think that a woman is able to make decisions limiting sexual activity in an unsupervised context. The prevalence of date rape proves that it is impossible for a woman to guarantee she can say no, after one hour of introductory intimacy. It ignores the biological facts of human sexuality. Sexual desires are not designed to be started and stopped over and over again! Finally, it is naive to think that it is all a matter of self-control. What is self-control: one kiss, or two, or four, or five? What is the self-control time limit in a kiss? Who's going to time it?
Self-control means refraining from sexual touch of any kind, at least until covenantal engagement. This is not a platonic relationship which regards the body as evil, but a spiritual relationship which regards the body as good. So good that I dare not touch what does not yet belong to me. Only marriage relinquishes ownership of one's "good" body to one's partner.
Parents must overcome this naivety when a teen complains about parental restrictions. To the all too common gibe, "You don't trust me," the only possible answer is - "True! I wouldn't trust myself either in those circumstances." If I wouldn't allow myself to be alone in a car with a woman other than my wife, why should I trust my teenagers?
(c) Inadequate understanding of the inheritance of virginity
Virginity is not just refraining from what I want to do before marriage, but bringing an inheritance into a marriage by the presentation of a pure body. An inheritance of passion all stored and reserved for one partner, and an inheritance of security in a partner with a proven track record of faithfulness and self-control.
(d) Parental foolishness
It is parents who open the door to an obsession with sex. You may think that your children pick things up at school. Yes, but from whom? From those whose parents have opened the door.
Most parents think it is cute and natural to see their children's growing fascination with the opposite sex. It doesn't matter because they survived the dating system, and here they are in church loving God. But they are still reaping what they sowed, often in a later generation who bear the fruit of their careless immoral ways.
Parental foolishness starts early on in the pre-teens, where crushes are condoned, and the habit of living in fantasies is established. It can all sound so cute coming from a ten-year old, but any notion of seeing others as "special friends" needs to be addressed at that age. Any signs of attempts to catch the eye of others with make-up, style of dress, hair, phone calls, attention-seeking behaviour, must be addressed parentally at that age. Dates occur in the imagination before they actually happen if children have an expectation that dating is normal. Watch for isolationism where a child withdraws into a fantasy world dreaming of being together with somebody else emotionally.
(i) What they watch
There is a very close correlation between sexual pre-occupation, standards of family TV viewing and music habits. We cannot underestimate the enticement to sexual impurity with which we are constantly bombarded in the media today.
Our teenagers are bombarded with sensual and lustful images - commercials, movies, magazines etc. They are surrounded by peers talking about who thinks who is cute, what their first kiss was like, and they are informed about sex education material they do not know how to handle.
This is a violation of the Word of God. We must train a generation that is innocent, not worldly-wise. (Rom16:19, 20). It is the only way in which our young people will have peace. (Phil 4:8.9).
(ii) Watch what they wear
The Bible gives clear guidelines about the requirement for a distinctiveness between masculinity and femininity (Deut 22:5; 1Cor 11:14,15); about modesty (1Tim 2:9,10; 1Pet 3:3,4); about not drawing attention to our bodies, but bringing attention to our character and behaviour (eg cleanliness, thoughtfulness, carefulness)
3. Relational Pressure
Our young people need relationships. They need to learn how to relate to members of the opposite sex. But does dating help or hinder them in this process?
a) The starting place for building relationships
Teenagers often express the need for a boy/girlfriend in terms of needing to overcome loneliness, to have somebody who understands, somebody who cares. The antidote to that loneliness is not dating it is family and fellowship.
Family: Most teens sense alienation from their family and parents. We call this modern phenomenon "The Generation Gap." It is both real and unreal. It is unreal because there is no biological inevitability that teenagers will go through a phase of separation and rebellion towards their parents. It is real, because where parents have failed to build relationships with their children, in many instances, the Gap appears. It is a phenomenon largely symptomatic of a departure from biblical parenting. The antidote is creating, from early childhood, an atmosphere of security, love and worthwhile activities that would give no cause for a sensible teenager to want to look elsewhere for a life.
Fellowship: The second context where the Bible speaks of relationships is in the church, which is, in essence, an extended family. The church provides a setting where all kinds of relationships can be established with absolute purity. Young people need to be trained gradually to relate on a broader scale than the family, and there is no need for exclusive boy/girl friendships to learn how to relate to the opposite sex. To belong to the Body of Christ is a wonderful privilege, enabling us to prepare our children for relationships in the world within secure boundaries. It is an extension of relating as brothers and sisters, and in a group context that can occur with absolute purity, as it did with Jesus. (Lk 8:2,3; 23:55,56) and Paul (Phil 4:3).
The antidote to loneliness is fellowship, not dating; the need is for friendship, not sexuality, The exclusiveness of romantic relationships precludes building friendships. Dating substitutes sensual feelings for friendship, passion for honour and respect, foolish jesting for thankfulness, our pleasure for His business.
b) The starting place for destroying relationships
Dating creates relationships built on insecurity. There is no commitment by either party to continue beyond the first date, and there may be others they would consider dating given the opportunity. They both know that.
The main purpose of dating is to try out as many partners as possible in the process of looking for the perfect one. Thus, by definition, breaking up is as common as dating itself. There are more pop songs written about breaking up than pairing up. Dating becomes a preparation for handling divorce, not a preparation for building a permanent marriage. We were designed for sexual involvement with one partner, but we get used to the idea of rejecting and being rejected in the search for the perfect relationship. The more dates you have, the more the boundaries become blurred. Rejection becomes a way of life, and saying "I love you'' becomes meaningless. It is no more than saying, "At this moment in time, I find you sexually attractive." We learn to break covenant at a whim; we learn to follow our emotions and desires. If it doesn't work out, we can simply break it off. It provides no training for having to work it out for the long haul. It is practice in divorce at an early age.
Dating builds insecurity into relationships. Imagine a marriage without scars of rejection to overcome, with a partner you can trust, because you have not been spoiled by earlier partners who have proved untrustworthy. Imagine a relationship without having other faces in your mind and the comparisons that ensue against the spouse that God has given you. Imagine having no pornographic images of Miss Universe with which to tarnish the beauty of the wife who is at your side.
c) The only place for exclusive relationships
In scripture, one-on-one male/female relationships are always exclusively marriage relationships. They only occur in marriage, or in anticipation of marriage. (Gen 2:23,24; hence Ruth 3:9). God has created us to fit this biblical norm, and the romantic response is intended to come to its true fulfilment only in marriage.
Recreational dating envisions a one-on-one relationship apart from marriage, but it should be no surprise when it leads to its intended climax - becoming one flesh. God designed us that way! To try to survive exclusive relationships sexually unscathed is like fighting against the grain of creation.
So how are we supposed to find a way to arrive at those exclusive relationships which prove to be marriages made in heaven? We must break out of the mould of our culture.
II. The alternative to dating is not courtship
Introduction
The word about the inappropriateness of dating has got out, but I'm not entirely happy with the response - which is usually an attempt to adapt the system rather than discard it. These attempts usually take one of two forms. Firstly, there is an attempt to take the risk out of it, so we talk about double-dating, where in reality peer supervision is no more and no less than peer pressure. Secondly, there is an attempt to put something substantial into it, so we tell our teenagers that dating is no longer possible, courtship is the way to go.
Because of this misconception, we have actually made the problem worse. Knowing that they are not allowed to have casual friendships (falling in and out of love), young people are led to believe that they can have exclusive relationships with the opposite sex through courting. They can become as pre-occupied with courting as they can with dating, which is worse, because it has the added pressure of the seriousness of marriage. Teenagers do not need the frivolity of casual dating, nor do they need the intensity of serious courtship.
Courtship is not the alternative to dating. I believe in courtship, but courting is what a man and woman do in preparation for marriage. Courting is not what Christian teenagers do instead of dating.
Courtship is essential in its proper place, but unessential for our young people as a contrived form of dating. What is the alternative? What should they be doing with their teenage years?
1. It is a time for "Father's Business."
Jesus has to be the model teenager. Although we don't know much about what happened during his teenage years, we do know what his focus was. (Lk 2:49). Most teenagers see these years as a time for "my fun" but Jesus saw them as a time for his Father's business.
We will never evidence a radical change in our young people until we are convinced that teenage years are not supposed to be years of care-free, independent, experimental, frivolous self-gratification. They are to be years of training and preparation. Our culture has emphasized external fun more than internal preparation, the result is a generation that is both unhappy and unprepared.
Teenage years are a time to lay a foundation and start to practise "being about Father's business," thereby discovering calling and destiny. It is to be a preparation for life.
The preparation of young people for marriage is one of God's great purposes for the church. It is not accomplished by setting up a dating pattern that is built on the same sinful pattern as the world, except that it is practised between believers rather than unbelievers. It is rather a preparation that is accomplished by emphasis on character, life skills, ministry opportunities; all of which tend to get ignored by young people pre-occupied with their latest boy/girlfriend.
2. It is a time of preparation under parental supervision
Consider again what we know about Jesus' teenage years. (Lk 2:51,52). This is entirely consistent with the whole of the Bible. The emphasis is on the father's responsibility, and the preparation under his supervision for the teenager to be able to become responsible. In Old Testament law, a father has particular responsibility for his daughters in the biblical pattern. He was expected to be able to guarantee his daughter's virginity (Deut 22:15-19), and with that responsibility came the right to defend her reputation.
If another man violates that by becoming sexually involved with his daughter, two things happen (Deut 22;28,29), the two should get married and the man must pay the father a dowry. We can learn from this that there is no such thing as sex without responsibility.
The principle is seen in the dowry system. In the Bible, the dowry is a demonstration of assuming financial responsibility. The man who has a sexual relationship with a girl has to marry her; he must assume responsibility for her and her children. He cannot just walk away from it all. If he does, because he has had to pay a dowry, the father has money to provide alimony for his daughter's financial security.
The dowry was customarily three years wages, about $100,000 in today's money. That would make a teenage boy think twice! But the issue is not primarily money, it is responsibility. The problem of our culture is not merely sexual immorality, it is also sexual irresponsibility. In a biblical pattern there is no escape from responsibility. Teenage years are a preparation for responsibility, not for irresponsibility. To get married, there is going to be a dowry to pay and that dowry will require years of work! When we see teenage years characterized by irresponsibility, we know we have missed the mark. Parental supervision is designed to train toward responsibility.
3. It is a time of warfare
Young people are built for warfare (Ps 8:2; 127:3-5; 1Jn 2:13,14), but they are undoubtedly a target for Satan's attack. If he can destroy the preparation for marriage among teens and singles, he can destroy countless homes and families later on. The foundations have been undermined. The flood tides of filth and sensual temptation are destroying future marriages before they even begin.
The enemy can be resisted, however. Young people are built for war! To be a force against evil, we need to train an innocent generation. (Rom 16:19,20). But people are afraid that our children will be naive and not know what's going on in the world. Good! That's how they are supposed to be! As soon as they know what's going on in the world they are seared by it, but when young people are distinctively pure they offer a powerful unique example. (1Tim 4:12)
They may feel inadequate and they may say, "I don't have a testimony of how God delivered me from a life of gross sin," The answer to that is "Great!" "You do have a testimony of how the Lord kept you from a life of terrible sin." A testimony of God keeping us from evil is at least as powerful as one about how God delivered us from evil, and that saves a lot of heartache along the way.
The time of one's youth provides the greatest opportunity, while carrying the least responsibilities, to damage the enemy's kingdom. That is why the bible talks about singleness as a gift, and as a good gift at that. ( 1Cor 7:25,26, 32-35). Teenage years preoccupied with dating are the worst of both worlds. There is the care of worrying about your partner (or a succession of partners) without the benefits of marriage, and there is no freedom to serve God without distraction either.
4. It is a time for prayer
Teenagers should be praying for a husband or a wife, not a boyfriend or a girlfriend. So should their parents on their behalf, because finding a partner is a matter of faith, not striking lucky when playing the field. It does not necessarily require being part of a large crowd. For example, see Ruth 2:3 (though the process was aided by family directives). Prayer is especially important in seeking the preservation of the purity of a future mate, and the preparation of his/her character.
5. It is a time for teamwork
One factor in high divorce rates is that couples build relationships on the basis of romance, not of working together. Adam and Eve met and married in the context of work, hence the word "helpmeet." Youth and singleness provide an opportunity for people to learn to work together.
Sadly, too many young people learn to live for themselves and their own pleasure. They don't know how to work for the common good, to work as a team. They will take the same self-centredness into marriage because they do not know the fulfilment of accomplishing something together. The first place to learn teamwork is the family, then there comes the need for group projects such as team ministry.
Team ministry requires some external purpose, a reason for sacrifice. When that vision is clear, self-denial is possible and working together begins. It opens up the possibility of far greater success than we can achieve on our own, and it is the best context in which to build friendships rather than the modern preoccupation with talking about relationships. When you focus on knowing one another, you become introverted. When you focus on a goal, you get to know one another. It is there where you learn to communicate, and then that you don't worry about what to talk about!
The environment of ministry is the best place to find a mate, for there you see the possibility of being equally yoked. Rather than building relationships on physical attraction, teenagers and young singles need to discover what they are really looking for in a partner. They are able to do this through the intensity of ministry and a sense of inadequacy in being able alone to fulfil the call of God on their life. They need to build friendships of loyalty and faithfulness that do not get discarded when emotions change.
6. It is a time for friendship
Biblically the word friend has the implication of close associate or neighbour. It is used in the context of two people who pasture in the same field, i. e. friends who work together in a common goal. So what are the ingredients of true friendship that our young people need, and how do these tie up with the dating game? Take time to see what God has to say about friends in the following scriptures:
Prov 18:24 - Friends come in limited numbers
Jn 15:13 - Friends are servants
Jn 15:15 - Friends are intimate confidants
Prov 17:17 - Friends are loyal
Prov 27:9 - Friends give good advice
Prov 27:6 - Friends give correction
Job 6:14 - Friends give encouragement
Prov 27:17,19 - Friends are honest
Prov 17:9 - Friends are trustworthy.
On the basis of such criteria, parents need to monitor relationships so that these possibilities for genuine friendship develop. The contra indication, however, is seen in 1 Cor 15:33.
These criteria are the ingredients our young people need. This is the alternative to dating. With these in place, they will be prepared and ready for the time when God opens up the possibility of marriage. Not until they know that they are ready to start thinking about the responsibilities of a spouse, a home, and a family should they start thinking about an exclusive relationship. There is no set age when that becomes appropriate. For some, the readiness and maturity comes early. For others, even if they are ready, God has other plans than early marriage. For some, singleness will be a life-long gift, an opportunity to serve God in different ways than is possible for those with family responsibilities.
III. What's right with courtship?
Introduction
What is "courtship?" Webster's 1828 dictionary defines it as: "The act of soliciting favour. The act of wooing in love. Solicitation of a woman to marriage. Civility; elegance of manners."
Three things about courtship stand out. It has to do with marriage. It is not casual dating, it is a relationship with a view to marriage. It has a lot to do with manners; there is an appropriate way to behave. It also has to do with law. It involves a "court". Following appropriate procedures, the suitability of marriage is put to the test, brought to the court. Feelings and leadings are tested and proved in the courtwhere witnesses will confirm God is indeed calling two people to be married. That's why Websters also speaks of a synonym for courting - being a suitor. A man in presenting his suit, is declaring the justice of his claim for the hand of a woman. Courtship is lawful, dating is lawless.
1. Preparing a case for your date in court
A man has to be able to present a case to support his claim for the hand of a man's daughter. The importance of this preparation is seen in the biblical principle of the dowry.
Jacob agreed to work for seven years to marry Rachel. He was not prepared initially, so he had to work for a dowry, and he had to work longer than most. The normal dowry was about three year's wages ($100,000). Why? According to biblical law, it was a kind of insurance policy. It provided protection for the wife and children if the husband should die, or renege on his marriage vows in divorce. As we have seen (Ex 22:16,17; Deut 22:28,29), even in the case of rape or seduction, the man was required to provide a dowry (assume financial responsibility for) the woman he violated. Having lost her virginity in that culture, she was unlikely to be able to find a husband to support her.
The dowry was a gift of love from the groom to the bride. It was also a guarantee of an inheritance. Jacob loved Rachel enough to offer to work seven years and wait seven years, and even to wait another seven years when tricked into first marrying Leah.
a) Financial preparation
This biblical principle certainly cautions us against marriage without prior economic preparation. It does not mean only rich people get married, for the solution is not inheritance but work. Today, insurance policies can offer similar security but, more importantly, we must continue to see courtship as the demonstration of suitability for marriage. The father has to be convinced that he is being responsible in handing over his daughter. $100,000 is a figure that would convince many fathers!
Traditionally, the bride has brought a dowry into the marriage as well. The father of the bride, according to an old American custom, gave her a cow, which was intended to be the mother of a new herd to supply milk and meat for the new family. Either way, both parties came into marriage prepared for the future.
b) Character preparation
The dowry is as much a matter of bringing character as bringing finances into a marriage. Adam demonstrated his ability to work in the calling God gave him before Eve was brought to him. This was a father's protection of Eve. Who else was she to marry? There was nobody else around! God ensured, for her protection, that Adam was established in his calling before marriage became a possibility. In scripture we can see that Adam understood his calling (Gen 1:26-28); he was a good worker (Gen 2:15); he exercised responsibility (Gen 2:16,17) and he recognized his need for a help-meet (Gen 2:18-25).
We can see similar preparation necessary in a wife. (Prov 31). She is active in ministry (Prov 20-22);
she is known for her diligence (vs 15-19,27); she is trustworthy (vs 11,12) and she is virtuous (vs 10,30).
2. Passing judgement on the case in court
To whom does the suitor present his case? The Bible is clear on the role of the father in this matter. The Bible speaks of those who "marry and are given in marriage". It is the role of a father to give away what is his own, even as God the Father brought the first woman to man. The daughter is then to be given as a virgin (1Cor 7:37). But the father retains a choice (1Cor 7:38). Courtship acknowledges that a father trains his children, protects his children, and then gives them. He has the right, in the dowry system, to place stipulations on that.
The courtship process provides an opportunity for paternal investigation of the suitor, with particular reference to his godliness, doctrine, worldview, family values, financial responsibility, work ethic. Any man who is irked by such parental care has such a weak view of fatherhood that I wouldn't want him to become the father of my daughter's children, my grandchildren. Even if he doesn't understand it he'll toil for my daughters if he loves them (Jacob with Rachel).
Dating removes the parental involvement in marriage, but we are not advocating arranged marriages without the consent of the children. (Gen 24:50,51,58). In practice, it was the parents of the bride whose consent was legally needed, for she is under her father's covering and this only changes on marriage. Courtship, being a legal matter is looking for the credibility of the testimony of witnesses, and the most obvious witnesses to call are the parents. If two young people cannot convince their own parents about the suitability of marriage, there is probably something seriously wrong, as has been demonstrated in the experiences of countless people.
Courtship starts at home. There, what Jehle calls "a covenant of purity" is established. A father determines to prepare his son to be a faithful husband. The father of a future bride determines to win and retain his daughter's heart until he is ready to give that heart to her future husband. That is only possible in an atmosphere of secure leadership, natural affection and a loving relationship.
The possibility of such courtship becomes more feasible where church and school support rather than undermine such a covenant of purity being established in the home. Corporately, we set a different tone. Walter Trobisch advocated the development of the "etad" - the opposite of a date. It is any activity where adults and young people are together, treating one another with honour and respect; providing a context for friendship, relationship and shared activity
3. The legal proceedings of the court
a) Prayer
The process of preparing for marriage begins with years of prayer. Prayer by the parents from the early age of a child; later supplimented by the prayers of the young people themselves.
b) Involvement in work/ministry
In Gen 24:16 we see that Rebekah was at the well, which is a place of service and a place of public interaction. Meanwhile, Issac was many miles away in the field, which was his place of work and prayer (Gen 24:63). He was not out dating or flirting, yet God found him a wife.
c) Developing friendships
Friendships do not need to begin in an exclusive way. In the early stages, group settings are far more conducive to balanced friendships, rather than intensely physical relationships. Courtship provides a context for communication and the foundation for a future marriage built on relationship and romance. Communication should not be based on lust or touch, but on working together.
As the friendship develops, it should be pursued increasingly in the context of the family. Chaperonage does not prohibit private conversation, but it puts it into a safe context and combines it with natural larger group settings. Church families must provide such settings when natural families do not exist.
d) Confirmation by witnesses
At this stage, the prospect of a serious relationship can be spoken about openly. Proper confirmation of the appropriateness of this is only possible when families have been involved in the relationship. How else can they offer testimony in this court unless they have been first-hand witnesses to the relationship? Everything prior to engagement is done in the openess of family (Gen 24:28).
e) Engagement
With parental confirmation, the prospective bride can now give a confident and joyful "Yes!" The transition away from her father's house begins, but it is a transition that has already been sealed with covenant. Engagement is not yet marriage, but it is not casual. Engagement is covenantal, thus, to break off courtship is a serious thing.
From this point on, there is appropriate time alone. The larger responsibilities and wider friendships should not be dropped, for they will still be there after marriage. There are still guidelines, however, for appropriate behaviour, as ultimately the girl is still under her father's covering. It is his responsibility to present her to her husband on their wedding day as a virgin.
Restrictions on the freedom of a courting couple are the prerogative of the girl's father. But they need not be isolationist; a degree of physical contact may be a matter of Christian liberty. Guidelines during the engagement should be established on the basis of the maturity of the couple, length of the engagement and the previous history of the parties and their relationship.
f) Wedding ceremony
With a wedding ceremony, covenant vows and family blessing (Gen 24:60) finalize the legal proceedings. The reception is a public celebration whereby the newly married couple are received into the wider circle of family and friends, and bestowed with gifts and honour.
g) Consummation (Gen 24:67)
Conclusion
Doubtless, there will be objections raised. "Won't my kids get out of touch with their friends?" "Will it not be impossible to find a spouse?" "What about my daughter, doesn't this make things especially difficult for her?" Yes, there will be a rising feeling of insecurity when we are faced with giving up something that has been part of our thinking for so long. It requires a step of faith, but we can be encouraged by the fact that the way of godliness is always the way of maximum blessing.
Ultimately, this issue is a matter of parental responsibility rather than church policy, as we indicated at the beginning, but it will be a practical help if such principles are adopted by a whole church thereby reducing the sense of alienation.
Some will say, but doesn't this approach take out all sense of romance? The quick answer is, Yes and No! We have to ask ourselves, do we really want this thing called romance if it only equates with sexuality? Do we want that to be part of adolescent years? If it is saved, there will be a legitimate passion for the wife of one's youth (Prov 5:15-20). Then, not only will there be romance before marriage; more importantly, there will be romance after marriage.
Originally published in U-TURN
My Boyfriend Refuses To Take Down His Online Dating Profile
My boyfriend – who is over 60 – has had more dates than anyone I know and still receives notifications of women who have emailed him constantly. He has told me about some of them and still hears from many of them. Since we have dated for almost two years, I asked him to cancel his online dating account. I cancelled mine.
We live together. Whenever I have to go to a social function, it shows that he has been on Match. com reviewing matches sent to him. I told him it was upsetting and we had a little verbal disagreement. After another social event that I attended with girlfriends, I found that he had done the same thing again. This time I am not saying anything, but feel he is always looking for something better.
How do I know this? My girlfriend who is on Match. com looked at his site for me (which is still posted) and said he had been on that day, just a few hours ago, which was while I was gone. Is he addicted? Is this normal human behavior? – Barb
An existential question:
If a man cheats openly on his live-in girlfriend, is he actually a cheater?
I don’t know, Barb, but the picture you’re painting is of a really unfortunate arrangement.
Imagine a company that lets its CEO cook the books and embezzle from them because he’s a smart, charismatic guy. The shareholders would have every right to demand an ouster.
A man who is openly defying his two-year girlfriend to stay active on Match.
A woman who has so little self-esteem that she puts up with such defiant behavior.
Forgive me for the self-esteem line. I don’t know you. I’m not a psychologist. But your relationship does suggest a level of patience and tolerance that far exceeds the norm. And I’m not saying that in a good way.
Imagine a company that lets its CEO cook the books and embezzle from them because he’s a smart, charismatic guy.
The shareholders would have every right to demand an ouster.
But if the company knows and doesn’t fire him, whose fault is it that the behavior continues? You got it: the company!
And if I’m the CEO, I’m gonna keep on openly embezzling.
Why not? There are no consequences to my behavior.
I do hate to be the one to burst your bubble, Barb.
But really, what do you think he’s DOING on Match each day? Do you think he’s just browsing, like people browse through the mall?
Or would you guess that a man who has a membership on a dating site is actually, you know… USING that site for its intended purposes – to meet new women?
Put it this way:
I don’t go to Amazon to browse books. I go there to buy.
I don’t go to the gym to not work out. I go there to swim.
There is simply no viable, reasonable, acceptable response he can make – even if, somehow, he has not met ANY new women since “committing” to you.
I’ll be the first to admit – online dating can be addicting – especially when you’re getting a lot of attention. There IS a temptation, for both men and women, to try to continually “trade up”. But the whole point of dating – for most of us, anyway – is to find one person that makes you want to quit altogether.
If your live-in boyfriend doesn’t want to quit, he shouldn’t be your boyfriend.
Oh, and by the way, don’t ask him to take his profile down. That’s not your solution. He’s already proven to be the worst kind of selfish, insensitive prick who can’t be trusted with slippery concepts such as “monogamy”.
The only way to fix this is to dump this him when you’re done reading this.
You probably won’t do it, Barb, but I’m really hoping that you do.
Demi Moore, New Boyfriend? Actress Reportedly Dating Australian Hunk (PHOTO)
Demi Moore is reportedly dating again and this time it is a hunky Australian who caught her eye.
Moore is allegedly dating Will Hanigan. a 30-year-old pearl diver and adventurer from Perth, Australia. The two turned heads when they were photographed leaving the Nine Treasures Yoga studio in West Hollywood, Calif. on May 1.
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Hanigan then purportedly spoke with Star magazine about his relationship with the 50-year-old star, saying, "She's an amazing woman. We know each other through yoga, and we've become close."
A friend of Hanigan's told The Australian that Hanigan is "an interesting character," adding, "He's a great guy to listen to - a bit wild but good fun."
It remains unclear if Hanigan and Moore are actually an item or just yoga buddies and a representative for Moore could not immediately be reached for comment. RadarOnline reports that the mother of three simply likes surrounding herself with younger men.
“Demi loves getting attention from young men ," a source allegedly told RadarOnline about the actress's relationships, adding, “It’s not like Demi hooks up with all of the young guys she hangs around. And she’s into Will, but she likes having a handful on speed dial to drive her around and keep her company.”
Whether or not Moore has a new man, she is focusing on one relationship in her life -- the one with her oldest daughter, Rumer Willis. Last week Moore and Willis were spotted attending a yoga class together in West Hollywood.
Their bond allegedly cracked when the "LOL" actress checked into rehab last year following a hospitalization for whip-its. Moore's hard-partying ways worried her children, who cut off ties as a tough-love means of putting an end to the troubling behavior.
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