Dating vs courting

Courtship

Contents

Duration [ edit ]

The average duration of courtship varies considerably throughout the world. Furthermore, there is vast individual variation between couples. Courtship may be completely omitted, as in cases of some arranged marriages where the couple do not meet before the wedding.

In the United Kingdom. a poll of 3,000 [ 1 ] engaged or married couples resulted in an average duration between first meeting and accepted proposal of marriage of 2 years and 11 months, [ 1 ] [ 2 ] with the women feeling ready to accept at an average of 2 years and 7 months. [ 1 ] Regarding duration between proposal and wedding, the UK poll above gave an average of 2 years and 3 months. [ 2 ]

Courtship traditions [ edit ]

While the date is fairly casual in most European-influenced cultures, in some traditional societies, courtship is a highly structured activity, with very specific formal rules.

In some societies, the parents or community propose potential partners, and then allow limited dating to determine whether the parties are suited. In Japan. there is a such type of courtship called Omiai. with similar practices called "Xiangqin" (??) in the Greater China Area .

Parents will hire a matchmaker to provide pictures and resumes of potential mates, and if the couple agrees, there will be a formal meeting with the matchmaker and often parents in attendance. The matchmaker and parents will often exert pressure on the couple to decide whether they want to marry or not after a few dates.

Courtship in the Philippines is one known complex form of courtship. Unlike what is regularly seen in other societies, it takes a far more subdued and indirect approach. It is complex in that it involves stages, and it is considered normal for courtship to last a year or longer. It is common to see the male showing off by sending love letters and love poems, singing romantic songs and buying gifts for the female. The parents are also seen as part of the courtship practice, as their approval is commonly needed before courtship may begin, or before the female gives the male an answer to his advances.

In more closed societies, courtship is virtually eliminated altogether by the practice of arranged marriages. where partners are chosen for young people, typically by their parents. Forbidding experimental and serial courtship and sanctioning only arranged matches is partly a means of guarding the chastity of young people and partly a matter of furthering family interests, which in such cultures may be considered more important than individual romantic preferences.

Over recent decades though, the concept of arranged marriage has changed or simply been mixed with other forms of dating, including Eastern and Indian ones; potential couples have the opportunity to meet and date each other before one decides on whether to continue the relationship or not.

Modern people [ edit ]

In earlier 1800s, young adults were expected to court with the intention of finding a marriage partner, rather than for social reasons. In America, in the 1820s, the phrase "date" was most closely associated with prostitution. However, by the Jazz Age of the 1920s, dating for fun was becoming a cultural expectation, and by the 1930s, it was assumed that any popular young person would have lots of dates. This form of dating, though, was usually chaster than is seen today, since premarital sex was not considered the norm. [ citation needed ]

Courtship in social theory [ edit ]

Courtship is used by a number of theorists to explain gendering processes and sexual identity. Scientific research into courtship began in the 1980s after which time academic researchers started to generate theories about modern dating practices and norms. Both Moore and Perper found that, contrary to popular beliefs, courtship is normally triggered and controlled by women, [ 3 ] [ 4 ] driven mainly by non-verbal behaviours to which men respond.

This is generally supported by other theorists who specialise in the study of body language. [ 5 ] There are some feminist scholars, however, who regard courtship as a socially constructed (and male-led) process organised to subjugate women. [ 6 ] [ 7 ] Farrell reports, for example, that magazines about marriage and romantic fiction continue to attract a 98% female readership. [ 8 ] Systematic research into courtship processes inside the workplace [ 9 ] [ 10 ] as well two 10-year studies examining norms in different international settings [ 11 ] [ 12 ] continue to support a view that courtship is a social process that socialises both sexes into accepting forms of relationship that maximise the chances of successfully raising children. Whilst this may negatively impact women, particularly those seeking independence and equality at work, [ 13 ] [ 14 ] it is argued that the majority of negative impacts accrue to men in the form of shorter life-expectancy, higher rates of suicide, alcoholism, homelessness and imprisonment. [ 15 ] [ 16 ]

Commercial dating services [ edit ]

COURTING - A Guide

Courting is young adults seeking each other under their parents' supervision for the purpose of finding a spouse in the will of God.

CONVlCTIONS:

Convictions are a set of Biblical guidelines, beliefs, and standards that guide the conduct. If you have had nominal Christian up bringing, and especially if you are saved, and have received some Bible teaching, you have some convictions. You have some innate or natural insight into what is right and wrong, and your convictions cause you to lean strongly toward what is right. Your convictions make your conscience sensitive to right and wrong.

PUTTING YOUR CONVICTIONS TO WORK :

1. You must decide WHAT you are going to do. You must examine your convictions, before you ever get serious about anyone of the opposite sex. No doubt, if YOU have received any kind of Biblical training and teaching, you already have enough convictions to keep you out of serious trouble. Before you ever get involved with anyone of the opposite sex, you must decide what you are going to do and how far you are going to go before marriage. Having decided that, you must be willing to submit yourself to a program that will enable you to deepen your God-given convictions. If you think you can do it alone, you are deceiving yourself about one of the most important times of your life!

2. You must decide WHO you are going to go with. We have already given the Biblical guidelines on this point. Remember, under the section we covered on the "Unequal Yoke. " It is easier to define who not to go out with, than it is who to go with. Make up your mind that you will not go with anyone who violates God's command against the unequal yoke. Make up your mind that you will not allow yourself to become involved with anyone your parents disapprove of. Make up your mind that you will not go with anyone who violates God's command against the unequal yoke. Make up your mind that you will not allow yourself to become involved with anyone your parents disapprove of. Make up your mind that you will not consider anyone who will encourage you to compromise your Biblical convictions, violate your Biblical vows or hinder your Christian service. I know a young woman who had a call to be a missionary before she went to Bible College. Therefore, when she got to college she resolved that she would only go with men who were called to the mission field. She kept that resolve despite many attractive invitations. At Bible College, God gave her a definite call to go to New Guinea, From that time on, she restricted her interest only to men called to New Guinea, a very slender group in a small Bible College. However, God was faithful. She met her husband at college at the Missionary Prayer Band when they discovered that they were both praying for the same field. They have made a God-blessed couple! Joy and power radiate from their lives and ministry. Dr, Don Green says, "One of the most beautiful and romantic things on earth is a young couple, deeply in love with each other and united in an adventure to serve God by faith. " AMEN

Listen, the very fact that something like I have just related sounds so strange and unappetizing to you is proof of how carnal and shallow you are in the things of God. One of the sorriest, most heart-breaking, life wrecking things you will ever do is marry someone who will keep you out of the will God or make your life of service to Him miserable!

If you are to marry in God's will, you must court in God's will. That means never getting involved with anyone:

a. Who will violate God's command against the unequal yoke.

b. Who does not have your parents' approval.

c. Who will compromise your service and walk with God.

d. Who you feel convicted about going with.

3. You must decide WHERE you will go when you go out. Before you ever go out you must make up your mind where you will go. You must determine never to go anywhere you or your Biblical convictions are likely to be compromised.

"But put ye on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make not provision for the flesh, to fulfill the lusts thereof." Rom. 13:14) "Abstain from all appearance of evil." (I Thes. 5:22)

THE CHAPERON

Our definition of courting implies a chaperon. That does not mean a double date. The dictionary defines chaperon as "An older person who for propriety accompanies young unmarried people."

THE DOUBLE DATE

A double date is not a chaperoned outing. I do not want to imply that all or even most Christian couples are planning immorally, but in the right circumstances many will be prone to it. I knew of a situation in which one couple on the double date served as a lookout for the other. Double dating may reduce premarital sex on the double date, but it will not do much to reduce what leads up to it, kissing and petting.

I do not want to part company with you at this point, but to be consistent with what I have said up to now, and to be true to myself, I must say that all courting activities must be supervised and at times that will require a chaperon. When courting is carried on in a church or at church activities, I do not think a chaperon is necessary beyond the normal supervision usually supplied at such meetings. Such meetings are public and usually have adequate supervision as well as ample room for the necessary and proper privacy of the couple. But when the couple goes out on what would usually be classified as a dating activity away from home or church activities, a chaperon is necessary.

The chaperon, by definition, must be an older person. Therefore, a little brother or sister may not be proper. I think a little brother or sister may serve as a watchdog for the couple on certain occasions. But there are times when the courting couple is going to want to go out in a more formal way, say to dinner or a concert or even on a picnic. The chaperon need not be mom or dad, although I have heard more than one dad say, "My daughter can date anytime she wants to, as long as I can go along." When the courting couple wants to go out in a more formal, romantic way, a responsible, more mature, young married couple can serve, not only as a chaperon, but as good Fellowship. Properly done, all courting activities must be supervised.

If this has irked you and caused you to think, "Man! what a drag, " it is because you want to date. You are not interested in going out unless there is some opportunity to be intimate. The very fact that you felt the way you did about courting supervision proves my point and proves you need a chaperon.

Now comes the other objection, that I feel may be sincere, but unfounded, "No one will ever want to go with me under these rules. " The truth is, supervised courting has worked and is working. It is working right now in our church. Many fine young men prefer it because it frees them from much of the pressure, guilt and frustration dating produces. It is much safer for the girls and more wholesome for the couple. Moreover, if the person you are courting does not work out. the wholesomeness of courting will add immeasurably to the excitement of the marriage, the happiness of the home and the strength of the marriage. I will say this one more time, because courting can provide all the privacy a couple needs. The main objections to courting are rooted in rebellion, "No one is gonna' tell me what. " or the lust of the flesh, "I am not going to sit around and have someone keep an eye on me!"

I wish it were that most young people could get involved with the opposite sex without serious sexual frustration and compromise, but it is not. You not only need Biblical conviction, you need help in keeping them. Courting will be one of the most important times of your life and you will have few chances to do it right. It may be a sacrifice to do it right, but there is only pleasure in sin for a season. I have made my case for the propriety and necessity of courting. I will rest on it.

"Wherewithal shall a young man cleanse his way? By taking heed thereto according to thy word." (Psa. 119:9) "My soul cleaveth unto the dust: quicken thou me according to thy word." (Psa. 119:25)

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Courting vs. Dating: What Does It All Mean?

What was meant to be a nice, ‘food coma’-inducing meal at Chipotle Mexican Grill , paired with a pleasant conversation between my boyfriend and I, quickly shifted gears, taking a turn for the worse. The monster that reared its ugly head this time was the seemingly unassuming, yet ever-lingering debate on dating versus courting. Do we really even know what either of those words mean? Or, are they just synonyms of each other–two different words essentially meaning the same thing?

One of the boys at my church’s youth group recently turned 18 years old. As is commonly done to most ‘men’ this age, the heckling and teasing began shortly after the birthday cake had been cut. When asked if he had a girlfriend yet, or if he was dating anyone, this freshly minted man stated, “I don’t date…I court”. When asked if he even knew what that meant, he promptly replied with an earnest, “no”. This sort of answer in regards to dating is commonly heard at any church youth group, or even young adult groups, for that matter. Why is there such a confusion about dating and/or courting? Are parents, teachers, or youth pastors slacking off when it comes to discussing this topic with young people, or is this whole notion of there even being a difference between the two words unfounded?

According to Skip Burzumato of Boundless Webzine . in “the early 20th century, courtship involved one man and one woman spending intentional time together in order to get to know each other with the expressed purpose of evaluating the other as a potential husband or wife”. This was usually done in a private setting, such as the girl’s home, and monitored by people closest to her, such as her parents. In this case, my understanding has always been that the man was already interested in the possibility of marrying the girl in question, but had to make his intentions known not only to her, but also to her family, which would explain why he showed up at her house in the first place, donned in his Sunday best, holding flowers in his shaky hands. Burzumato goes on to explain that dating, as we understand it today, is just an added element to the “system of courtship”. Dating allows multiple possibilities for a potential spouse, diverting from a cultural, scripted method, to a more “multi-layered, ambiguous system”. So, although you may be dating, the ultimately goal remains–finding someone to marry. Courtship states that you pick someone you are interested in marrying and then get to know them, while dating says you get to know someone, and then see if you would like to marry them. So, the difference here is incredibly small, but still present, nonetheless, and deserves some attention.

I’m sure you’ve all heard your grandma or mother say, “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free”, at some point in your lives. As crazy as Granny may seem at times, she’s usually right. The problem I find with dating, is that there is no accountability in place. Burzumato also explained that with the onset of “the date” in the 1930’s and 40’s came leaving the private setting of the girl’s home, to going out and “parking the car”. Hopefully I don’t have to paint you a picture as to what he means by that; most of you are old enough, and have vivid enough imaginations to figure it out. Once Daddy isn’t watching, both the girl and guy are free to do whatever they please, without the pressure to tie the knot. Although this doesn’t mean all dating couples are dropping their pants, it does ease the pressure of stating your intentions from the get-go; accountability has been lost with the element of ‘dating’. I’d be hard pressed to find someone who says they are “courting for fun”, whereas plenty of people go on dates with random people, without really getting to know them outside of a romantic context, simply because it’s fun. In those cases, the intent to marry the person is not there, and if marriage is the whole point of dating, then both parties ‘dating for fun’ are simply wasting their time.

Most people with a lasting relationship and loving marriage will tell you they are best friends, or that their relationship started off as a friendship and grew into love. I believe that is where courtship comes into play – when two friends fall in love, want to get married, and begin a courtship. Both the man and woman are aware that their relationship is leading to marriage, and in due time, they will tie the knot. Granted, they are more than likely to say they are “dating”, as that word is most commonly used in today’s society, but essentially, they are courting. With dating, the ambiguity of the relationship and its unclear future, can be both disturbing and heartbreaking. Intentions need to be made exceptionally clear right from the onset, so that both the man and woman can act accordingly. If you’re dating to get to know someone, good luck, because let’s face it, most people are on their best behaviour on a ‘just a date’. If you build a friendship first, then you already know the person, and in courting them, you see if they would be a suitable spouse for you. Unless you are ready to get married, don’t bother dating, because then it just defeats the whole purpose of dating, which is marriage.

I may be old-fashioned, but I believe there is an inherent difference between courting and dating. Accountability is important for any successful relationship; lay out your intentions in stone. Know what you want and respect the person you are with, or want to be with, enough to make sure they are aware of what you want – courting ensures this, dating doesn’t. Dating leaves you wondering, questioning, and unsure. So, although I think it’s lame when Christians say, “I don’t date…I court”, as long as you know what you’re talking about when you say that, or are able to back up your statement, it’s fine. Otherwise…just don’t.

So, what happened that day at Chipotle Mexican Grill when the monster of the dating vs. courting clawed into my lovely evening with my boyfriend? Well, let’s just say, I was right, and that monster won’t be third-wheeling on our dates ever again.

Octavia Ahsan

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Octavia Ahsan is a writer/blogger from Brampton, a suburb outside of Toronto, ON. In 2010 she received a Bachelors degree in Science from McMaster University. and founded a charitable organization called CompassionActs. In March 2012 she founded The PODIUM, where she also serves as the Editor-in-Chief. She frequently writes for MilkandHoneyMedia. co. uk. a popular Christian girls blog based out of London, England, as well as her personal blog site OctaviaFaith. com. In her spare time, she likes to hunt for the best burrito in Toronto (Chipotle Mexican Grill holds the spot so far).

Monday, November 8, 2010

Courting vs. Dating: Just What Does It All Mean?

There was a discussion the other day on the Facebook page about courting vs. dating and why each was the better option. A lot of people who were pro-dating and anti-courting seemed to have a few misguided ideas of what, exactly, courting is, and that could be why there were so against it. So let's first define our terms:

Courting is the idea that you meet someone that you're interested in a future with--marriage being the end goal. You pray about it, discuss it with your parents and/or pastor, and then discuss it with the parents of the person you want to court--asking permission. The Duggars show made it a bit confusing, they showed the beginning of the relationship between Josh and Anna as their engagement. This clearly was not their first meeting or their first time together. During the courting process you don't spend time alone, but with chaperones. However, you do get to talk on the phone privately and email.

Dating can be looked at many different ways. You can date many different people at once casually, you can date one person at a time more seriously, or both at the same time and marriage doesn't have to be the end goal--it can be just to have fun.

Michelle and Jim Bob describe their pre-marriage time together as dating. They weren't chaperoned. They did save themselves for marriage in a sexual way, but they do admit that things "went further than they should have" and that they did kiss before they married. We can only guess what they're referring to.

I think it's important to point out that the Duggar children are not required to go through the courtship process--it's a choice each child gets to make. In fact, when you watch the episode where Josh proposes, he goes out of his way to insist repeatedly that it was his choice to court rather than date. The older girls are also interviewed and express interest in courtship. However this was 3 seasons ago--or maybe 4 depending on how you count--it was season one. They are older and they've witnessed cousin Amy's different boyfriends and multitude of break-ups since then.

The pro-daters seem to see dating as a way to gain experience and learn what you want. I am not going to pretend that I didn't date--I did--a lot. I've been married three times and engaged even more. So I know the ins and outs of the dating ritual in many different forms. I will say this--if you're dating to learn what you want, you shouldn't be dating. Why? Because you clearly don't know yourself yet, if you don't know yourself, you shouldn't be dating other people--you aren't ready. Why would you want to be in a serious relationship with someone if you weren't headed towards marriage or a lifetime together? What's the point? Fun? You can have fun with friends, even friends of the opposite sex, without having to be in a serious relationship.

Not all experiences are good. In fact, I've had many unpleasant ones from dating and the baggage I brought into my marriage wasn't fair for my husband to have to carry. I dated an alcoholic who couldn't tell the truth to save his life. All those lies took their toll and it was very hard to trust when a good guy came along. That was not fair at all--and the only reason I was in that relationship was because I was letting my hormones do the thinking for me. And if you get a guy (or girl) who's verbally or physically abusive (G-d forbid) that takes years and lots of self-help and/or therapy to get over, if you ever do really get over it. That will also make it hard to trust when you move into a relationship with someone healthy and they end up paying the price for something someone else did you to.

Now where do I stand on this? I am all for parents being involved in the process of their kids dating. I don't think they should have the ultimate choice in who their kids date, but I think they should be present as a support system for their children. I think they should know what's going on and be able to talk to their kids about any problems or concerns raised when dating. I like that the Duggars are there for their kids. I personally couldn't abide by the strictness of courting, at least not when I was in my 30s and 40s. I probably could have handled it when I was a late teen or in my early 20s, but frankly, it never came up. I do wish my parents had said a few things about the men I married before my current husband, but when you aren't raised like that, you tend not to listen even if they do say something. I knew walking down the aisle that my first marriage was going to be a mistake, but I was more afraid of cancelling 5 minutes before the ceremony than I was of making the mistake--that's wrong.

I think both styles have their good points and their bad points. I do think it needs to be the choice of the participants, not their parents. No one should be forced into a way of thinking, taught about it sure, but not forced into it. Informed decisions are always a good idea.