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Dating abuse

This article is about general article about dating violence. For the article specific to teens, see Teen dating violence .

Dating abuse or dating violence is defined as the perpetration or threat of an act of violence by at least one member of an unmarried couple on the other member within the context of dating or courtship. It is also when one partner tries to maintain power and control over the other through abuse/violence. This abuse/violence can take a number of forms: sexual assault. sexual harassment. threats, physical violence, verbal. mental, or emotional abuse. social sabotage, and stalking. It can include psychological abuse. emotional blackmail. sexual abuse. physical abuse and psychological manipulation. [ 1 ]

Dating violence crosses all racial, age, economic and social lines. The Center for Relationship Abuse Awareness describes dating abuse as a "pattern of abusive and coercive behaviors used to maintain power and control over a former or current intimate partner." [ 2 ] The Family & Community Development support group at eCitizen in Singapore has described what it calls tell-tale signs of an abusive relationship.

Contents

Profiles of abuser and victim [ edit ]

Individuals of all walks of life can find themselves in an abusive relationship. Abuse can occur regardless of the couple's age, race, income, or other demographic traits. There are, however, many traits that abusers and victims share in common.

The Centre for Promoting Alternatives to Violence describes abusers as being obsessively jealous and possessive, overly confident, having mood swings or a history of violence or temper, seeking to isolate their partner from family, friends and colleagues, and having a tendency to blame external stressors. [ 3 ]

Meanwhile, victims of relationship abuse share many traits as well, including: physical signs of injury, missing time at work or school, slipping performance at work or school, changes in mood or personality, increased use of drugs or alcohol, and increasing isolation from friends and family. [ 4 ] Victims may blame themselves for any abuse that occurs or may minimize the severity of the crime. This often leads to victims choosing to stay in abusive relationships.

Strauss (2005) [ 5 ] argues that while men inflict the greater share of injuries in domestic violence, researchers and society at large must not overlook the substantial minority of injuries inflicted by women. Additionally, Strauss notes that even relatively minor acts of physical aggression by women are a serious concern:

'Minor' assaults perpetrated by women are also a major problem, even when they do not result in injury, because they put women in danger of much more severe retaliation by men. [. ] It will be argued that in order to end 'wife beating,' it is essential for women also to end what many regard as a 'harmless' pattern of slapping, kicking, or throwing something at a male partner who persists in some outrageous behavior and 'won't listen to reason.'

Similarly, Deborah Capaldi [ 6 ] reports that a 13-year longitudinal study found that a woman's aggression towards a man was equally important as the man's tendency towards violence in predicting the likelihood of overall violence: "Since much IPV [Intimate Partner Violence] is mutual and women as well as men initiate IPV, prevention and treatment approaches should attempt to reduce women's violence as well as men's violence. Such an approach has a much higher chance of increasing women's safety." However, Capaldi's research only focused on at-risk youth, not women in general, and, therefore, may not apply to the entire population.

Characteristics [ edit ]

Emotional abuse [ edit ]

He/She is afraid of his/her date

He/She is afraid of making the date angry and are unable to even disagree with the date.

His/Her date has publicly embarrassed and humiliated him/her.

Psychological abuse [ edit ]

The date threatens to use violence against him/her or against himself/herself.(e. g. "If you leave me, I will kill myself".)

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What is Dating Violence?

Violence committed by a person who is or has been in a social relationship of a romantic or intimate nature with the victim is dating violence. The existence of such a relationship shall be determined based on a consideration of the following factors:

the length of the relationship

the type of relationship

the frequency of interaction between the persons involved in the relationship

Teenagers often experience violence in dating relationships. Statistics show that one in three teenagers has experienced violence in a dating relationship. In dating violence, one partner tries to maintain power and control over the other through abuse. Dating violence crosses all racial, economic and social lines. Most victims are young women, who are also at greater risk for serious injury. Young women need a dating safety plan .

Teen dating violence often is hidden because teenagers typically:

are inexperienced with dating relationships.

are pressured by peers to act violently.

want independence from parents.

have "romantic" views of love.

Teen dating violence is influenced by how teenagers look at themselves and others.

Young men may believe:

they have the right to "control" their female partners in any way necessary.

"masculinity" is physical aggressiveness

they "possess" their partner.

they should demand intimacy.

they may lose respect if they are attentive and supportive toward their girlfriends.

Young women may believe:

they are responsible for solving problems in their relationships

their boyfriend's jealousy, possessiveness and even physical abuse, is "romantic."

abuse is "normal" because their friends are also being abused.

there is no one to ask for help.

Teenagers can choose better relationships when they learn to identify the early warning signs of an abusive relationship, understand that they have choices, and believe they are valuable people who deserve to be treated with respect.

Early warning signs that your date may eventually become abusive:

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Ending Unhealthy Relationships

Today's post was written by Alexis O. a member of the National Youth Advisory Board. To learn more about the NYAB, click here .

When I was growing up, I watched my mother fall in and out of love with men who were nothing but bad for her. There was never a day when my mother and her man of the week weren’t at each others throats, and I watched, day after day as he verbally and physically abused her. Later in the day she would go crawling back, because she thought no one else would want her - a thought put in her head by the same person who had earlier called her a “stupid slut.” I always knew somewhere deep down that their behavior was abnormal, and I swore to myself to never end up like my mother had.

And I have not. Very few people know about the way I grew up. I disclose as little of my past as possible, because I believe that my past is no longer a part of me. But everyone knows about my refusal to be treated as less than, and my boyfriends over the years have had to learn that as well. There has only been one incident where my partner treated me as less than a goddess and in the end, I broke up with him.

I say that like it was easy, though. It was not. I knew that he was wrong for me from the minute he told me that I was his girlfriend so he could do whatever he wanted to me, whenever he wanted. This came after I got angry with him for being too clingy and grabby in public. When I thought it over later and decided to break up with him, I tried. But he cried and told me he was sorry, and that it would never happen again, and that he loved me more than anyone he had ever met, and I couldn’t do it. That’s the thing about abusers. They are not wholly evil. And they are damn good liars that sometimes they even fool themselves. But if they get away with something once, they start pushing their boundaries and pretty soon they are telling you that they didn’t rape you because you never said no, in fact you didn’t say anything. That’s when I realized if I didn’t break up with this boy, I would marry him and have children with him and be forced to spend my life with a man I didn’t love telling me that what I did or didn’t want wasn’t important. I remembered that promise I made to myself as I little girl to never end up like my mother, and I left.

The thing about unhealthy relationships is that we want to believe that person can change. We want to believe that if we stick around they will stop insulting us to keep us with them longer. That they will get over their rough patch in life and they won’t have to hit us when we mess up. But I am here to tell you as a survivor of multiple types of abuse that they don’t change, and it is important to realize that. I wish I could say that you can change them. That if you want it enough, and try enough, your partner will stop hitting you, insulting you, isolating you. But for a person to change, they have to want it, and abusers are oftentimes in denial about who they are, so they are going to get angry for you even suggesting there is something wrong with who they are as a person. If you find yourself dating someone who hits you, even once, it's not okay. You have the right to tell someone. Your partner is going to make you feel like you are scum for trying to make them look bad, but you should not be ashamed of defending yourself, and preserving your well-being. It is not your fault they abuse you, physically, verbally, or emotionally. It is never your fault.

Healthy relationships should be based off of equality and respect, not control and power. In a healthy relationship you are not afraid of your partner's anger, because they aren’t a threat to you. You feel safe, supported, happy, and excited to be around each other. You respect each other, have lives that are separate from each other, but can come back and be a unit at any given time. In healthy relationships, both parties have a right to privacy. If your partner is forcing you to allow them to read your text messages or emails or Facebook messages, there is a problem.

Remember, love is respect. And you deserve that. Don’t settle for anything less.

If you are seeing some of the warning signs that your relationship might be unhealthy or abusive, our peer advocates are here to help! Call, chat or text anytime, 24/7.