Dating in the 19..s (be) very structured

Speed dating

Speed dating is a formalized matchmaking process or dating system whose purpose is to encourage people to meet a large number of new people. Its origins are credited to Rabbi Yaacov Deyo of Aish HaTorah. originally as a way to help Jewish singles meet and marry. [ 1 ] [ 2 ] [ 3 ] SpeedDating . as a single word, is a registered trademark of Aish HaTorah. Speed dating . as two separate words, is often used as a generic term for similar events.

Contents

Organization [ edit ]

Usually advance registration is required for speed dating events. Men and women are rotated to meet each other over a series of short "dates" usually lasting from three to eight minutes depending on the organization running the event. At the end of each interval, the organizer rings a bell, clinks a glass, or blows a whistle to signal the participants to move on to the next date. At the end of the event participants submit to the organizers a list of who they would like to provide their contact information to. If there is a match, contact information is forwarded to both parties. Contact information cannot be traded during the initial meeting, in order to reduce pressure to accept or reject a suitor to his or her face.

There are many speed dating events now in the United Kingdom. Canada. and the United States. Requirements for each event vary with the organizer. Specific age range based on gender is a common restriction for events. Many speed dating events are targeted at particular communities: for example, LGBT people, polyamorists. [ 4 ] Christians. [ 5 ] Graduate student speed dating events are common. [ 6 ]

Practice [ edit ]

Some feel that speed dating has some obvious advantages over most other venues for meeting people, such as bars, discotheques. etc. in that everybody is purportedly there to meet someone, they are grouped into compatible age ranges, it is time-efficient, and the structured interaction eliminates the need to introduce oneself. Unlike many bars, a speed dating event will, by necessity, be quiet enough for people to talk comfortably. Speed dating is for singles.

Participants can come alone without feeling out of place; alternatively it is something that women who like to go out in groups can do together. [ 7 ]

Because the matching itself happens after the event, people do not feel pressured to select or reject each other in person. On the other hand, feedback and gratification are delayed as participants must wait a day or two for their results to come in.

The time limit ensures that a participant will not be stuck with a boorish match for very long, and prevents participants from monopolizing one another's time. On the other hand, a couple that decides they are incompatible early on will have to sit together for the duration of the round.

Most speed dating events match people at random, and participants will meet different "types" that they might not normally talk to in a club. On the other hand, the random matching precludes the various cues, such as eye contact, that people use in bars to preselect each other before chatting them up.

Online speed dating [ edit ]

Several online dating services offer online speed dating where users meet online for video, audio or text chats. The advantage of online speed dating is that users can go on dates from home as it can be done from any internet enabled computer. The disadvantage is people do not actually meet one another.

Scientific research [ edit ]

There have been several studies of the round-robin dating systems themselves, as well as studies of interpersonal attraction that are relevant to these events. Other studies found speed-dating data useful as a way to observe individual choices among random participants.

First impressions [ edit ]

A 2005 study at the University of Pennsylvania of multiple HurryDate speed dating events found that most people made their choices within the first three seconds of meeting. Furthermore, issues such as religion, previous marriages, and smoking habits were found to play much less of a role than expected. [ 8 ] [ 9 ]

A 2006 study in Edinburgh, Scotland showed that 45% of the women participants in a speed-dating event and 22% of the men had come to a decision within the first 30 seconds. It also found that dialogue concerning travel resulted in more matches than dialogue about films. [ 10 ]

In a 2012 study, researchers found that activation of specific brain regions while viewing images of opposite-sex speed dating participants was predictive of whether or not a participant would later pursue or reject the viewed participants at an actual speed dating event. Men and women made decisions in a similar manner which incorporated the physical attractiveness and likability of the viewed participants in their evaluation. [ 11 ]

Subconscious preferences [ edit ]

Malcolm Gladwell 's book on split-second decision making, Blink , introduces two professors at Columbia University who run speed-dating events. Drs. Sheena Iyengar and Raymond Fisman found, from having the participants fill out questionnaires, that what people said they wanted in an ideal mate did not match their subconscious preferences. [ 12 ] [ 13 ]

Olfaction and the MHC [ edit ]

A 1995 study at the University of Bern showed that women appear to be attracted to the smell of men who have different MHC profiles from their own, and that oral contraceptives reversed this effect. [ 14 ]

The MHC is a region of the human genome involved with immune function. Because parents with more diverse MHC profiles would be expected to produce offspring with stronger immune systems. dissimilar MHC may play a role in sexual selection.

A speed "date" lasting several minutes should be long enough for the MHC hypothesis to come into play, provided the participants are seated close enough together. [ citation needed ]

Olfaction and pheromones [ edit ]

The TV newsmagazine 20/20 once sent both a male and a female set of twins to a speed dating event. One of each set was wearing pheromones. and the ones wearing pheromones received more matches. [ 15 ]

Age and height preference [ edit ]

A 2006 study by Michele Belot and Marco Francesconi into the relative effects of preference versus opportunity in mate selection showed, while concluding that opportunity was more important than preference, that a woman's age is the single most important factor determining demand by men. [ 16 ] Although less important than it is to men, age is still a highly significant factor determining demand by women.

The same study found that a man's height had a significant impact upon his desirability, with a reduction in height causing a decrease in desirability at the rate of 5% per inch.

Selectivity [ edit ]

Studies of speed dating events generally show more selectivity among women than among men. For instance, the Penn study reported that the average man was chosen by 34% of the women and the average woman was chosen by 49% of the men. [ 8 ] New studies suggest that the selectivity is based on which gender is seated and which is rotating. This new study showed that when men were seated and the women rotated, the men were more selective. [ 17 ]

Spin-offs [ edit ]

The popularity or charm of speed dating has led to at least one offspring: Speed Networking. A structured way of running business networking events with the goal of making meeting potential business contacts easier and more productive. Some speed dating companies have now started offering free speed dating where you do not pay unless you meet somebody you like.

Business speed dating has also been used in China as a way for business people to meet each other and to decide if they have similar business objectives and synergies. [ citation needed ] Speed dating offers participating investors and companies an opportunity to have focused private meetings with targeted groups in a compact time frame.

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ГРЕЮЩИЙ КАБЕЛЬ И СИСТЕМЫ ЭЛЕКТРООБОГРЕВА PENTAIR THERMAL MANAGEMENT (РАЙХЕМ)

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Pentair Thermal Management является уникальной компанией, выступая в качестве комплексного проектировщика и интегратора оптимизированных систем управления теплом. Опыт непосредственной работы с клиентами предоставляет возможность понять их проблемы и потребности, что, в свою очередь, позволяет проектировать и реализовывать системы управления электрообогревом, гарантирующие успех заказчикам. Сочетая лидирующих в отрасли продуктов, таких как Raychem, Pyrotenax и DigiTrace, с брендом предоставления услуг Tracer, компания способна реализовать системы электрообогрева в любой точке мира.

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Chery Very (Чери Вери) - тест-драйвы, технические характеристики, комплектации и цены

Несмотря на то, что автомобиль Chery Very позиционируется производителем как самостоятельная модель, он является модификацией Chery Bonus, официальные поставки которого в Россию начались весной 2011 года. Его сборка осуществляется на Запорожском автозаводе, а многие комплектующие производятся на украинских предприятиях. Главным отличием Чери Вери от Бонус является тип кузова: это хетчбэк, построенный на той же платформе и имеющий схожие очертания. Он короче лифтбэка на 13 см, а в остальном пропорции остались прежними. В том числе это касается и багажного отделения, которое увеличилось всего на 10 л. В итоге, объем багажника Chery Very составляет 380 л, а при сложенном заднем сиденье он увеличивается до 1300 л. Покупателям Чери Вери доступен только один 1,5-литровый бензиновый двигатель, развивающий до 107 л. с. при максимальном крутящем моменте в 140 Нм. Разработка мотора осуществлялась инженерами австрийской фирмы AVL, и, по заявлению производителя, с ним расход топлива в городском цикле не должен превышать 7,2 л на 100 км. При этом двигатель Chery Very потребляет Аи-92, а максимальная скорость автомобиля достигает 160 км/ч. Как и в случае с Бонус, экстерьер Чери Вери является итогом работы дизайнеров итальянского ателье Torino Design. В российских дилерских центрах машина предлагается в 4 основных комплектациях и уже в базовой версии оснащается гидроусилителем руля, кондиционером, сигнализацией, центральным замком и подушкой безопасности водителя. При этом, выбирая Chery Very в максимальной комплектации, покупатели получат аудиосистему с 6 динамиками и возможностью проигрывания MP3, 4 подушки безопасности для водителя и переднего пассажира, а также EBD, ABS, зеркала с электрорегулировками и парковочный радар. Перед началом поставок в Россию Chery Very прошел серию краш-тестов по китайской системе C-NCAP, а общий уровень его безопасности был оценен в 4 из 5 максимально возможных звезд.

Мнение эксперта о Chery Very (II)

Мнение эксперта: Что можно сказать об очередной новинке от Chery? Пожалуй, только то, что не стоит верить маркетологам. Very – это не самостоятельная модель! Просто Chery Bonus перестал притворяться седаном, стал короче на 13 см. и обзавелся задней дверью традиционной для хэтчбека формы. Все остальное не поменялось – дизайн разработан итальянцами, двигатель и ходовая часть в сотрудничестве с австрийцами. Автомобиль выглядит модно снаружи, но внутри явно морально устарел еще до своего выхода на рынок. Впрочем, возможностей 109 сильного двигателя должно хватать для современного городского трафика, а простота подвески дает надежду на хоть какую-то надежность. Собирается автомобиль, как и Bonus на Запорожском автомобильном заводе, что тоже внушает некоторый оптимизм. Во всяком случае, качество производства на ЗАЗе многими экспертами оценивается выше, чем на старых российских автозаводах. В самой дорогой версии Chery Very обойдется покупателю в 410 тыс. рублей. За эти деньги вы получите все, что по минимуму должно быть в современном автомобиле – кондиционер, две подушки безопасности ABS, аудиосистема, гидроусилитель руля, электропакет и т. д. Словом – Chery Very is very good. Возможно, именно такой смысл хотели донести до нас маркетологи, позиционируя этот автомобиль как самостоятельную модель. Главный редактор MotorPage. ru Дмитрий Европин

Комплектации и цены Chery Very

Дилеры, продающие Chery Very

Preschool

It is not a preschool but I really like seesaw studio in the city. They have great social skills classes. The classes are small and led by a psychologist. Johnny My 2.5-year-old nephew has been diagnosed with autism. He is barely speaking, he is developmentally delayed (late hitting most milestones), and rates low on adaptive skills, but he seems happy and is very affectionate with his parents (shy with others). Has some stereotypical behavior (hand flapping). He is receiving ABA and speech therapy. We are beginning the IEP process with OUSD (parents live in Oakland, but might be willing to move if another district offers better services). I'm looking for advice on preschools that are good for a child that fits his description, either in OUSD (Sankofa was mentioned at our meeting) or other school districts or private. Also, there's a possiblity he could be placed in a Head Start program with visiting ABA services. Any recommendations along those lines would also be appreciated. Thanks. Concerned Aunt It is not a preschool but I really like seesaw studio in the city. They have great social skills classes. The classes are small and led by a psychologist. Johnny

Nov 2011

Our son has been at a BUSD preschool program for special needs kids for almost a 1.5 years (it is not an integrated class) and we are seeing virtually no progress. He is on the spectrum and at 4.5 years old he has almost no language. We finally got 10 hours of ABA via Regional Center (that took 9 months) and that is making a difference. BIA of Emeryville is our provider and they are very good. In our last IEP BUSD said they would evalute for ABA this fall and now we are being told the district isn't offering ABA and any ABA they are provding is being 'phased out'. We are going to pay for additional hours to increase the intensity, but 15 hours per week isn't enough. Our next IEP isn't scheduled until April 2012. Has anyone out there had success with getting one - one-one support from BUSD, ABA, in-home programs paid for, etc. Recently he was observed at school and it was suggested we pull him out becuase he is not getting the help and education he needs. Help! We need an advocate fast and any advice on strategies for BUSD would be welcome. Amy Kossow amyadvocate@hotmail. com is the best advocate in town, particularly for kids with autism. She helped my son get 15 hrs/week of ABA while he was also in a BUSD preschool, with BIA. I simply cannot recommend her highly enough. My son is now in 4th grade and doing great and I'm sure it's because of Amy and BIA. However, I don't know that she's taking new clients right now, but hopefully she is. Jill

Feb 2011

Searching for a preschool for 3 yo with ASD PDD-NOS in El Sobrante, Richmond, El Cerrito, Albany or Berkeley. Thanks. Leanin My son was diagnosed at 18 months with PDD-NOS. He is currently enrolled at Via Nova Children's School in Berkeley and is thriving. I can't say enough how incredible Ticia and the entire Via Nova staff have been - to embracing him wholeheartedly and what's needed to support his success, to integrating him into the larger class and supporting his relationships with peers, to being flexible to the therapy services that are performed on-site (and seeing them as an opportunity for staff development). We feel incredibly lucky. anon

Nov 2010

I'm hoping I can get advice and insight from parents who may have gone through this already. My son is turning 3 and is being evaluated by Oakland Unified School District. While the final evaluations aren't in, he will be diagnosed with Autism. He's high-functioning, without any cognitive impairment.

Discussing with the evaluation team, they said he'd probably be offered one of the 5-day/week autism-specific preschool classrooms, but they apparently try to put kids with appropriate peers. They don't want me to tour classrooms until the evaluation is complete. In the meantime, we need to get our heads around a) what Oakland might have/offer and b) what's going to be best for him so I can push for that.

He's currently at a private preschool in our neighborhood and he's been doing great. He loves it, his language is developing and he's really happy. Best of all, he's getting a great social experience with typically developing kids. He also has a wonderful teacher and a small class. But his social/emotional delay is starting to show itself more since this preschool is all about play and social.

I'm sad to think that we're going to be confronted with pulling him out of this preschool community, but want to do what's best for his development. I do believe in early intervention, but will he aquire the social building blocks he's lacking with peers who are also on the spectrum? Will he be able to model language with other kids who may be delayed as well? Do high-functioning ASD preschool-aged kids need intensive, structured autism - specific classrooms? I know it's so individual, it's probably hard to say. He benefited tremendously from the 20-hrs/week of ABA therapy he received up to this point, but has outgrown it. Now he needs social, play and language skills-enrichment. Could there be a blend of our current preschool and speech therapy + social skills training?

How are the OUSD preschool classrooms for autism? Are there other options that I'm not aware of? I'm open to hearing about all options and the experience other families have had. (Unfortunately at this point, we can't afford to private-pay for everything.)

Thanks for your help! I'm anxious to get some clarity, as his IEP is a few weeks away. I'm happy to contact anyone personally if that's easier, just include email.

-Wanting to stay on our positive trajectory and uninformed about what Oakland has to offer. OUSD has some excellent programs for students on the autism spectrum. Sounds like you're doing exactly what you need to do to advocate for your child, and asking the right hard questions about social opportunities. I don't work at the preschool level, but I was blessed to work closely with many colleagues who may end out teaching your son: there are some truly gifted teachers and supportive paraprofessionals out there. I think it's crucial for you to advocate for a classroom which has a high number of verbal students--at that age, some kids may not be communicating verbally yet, and the teacher's teaching emphasis might understandably not line up with your son's needs in a classroom that skewed in that direction. Preschool is a huge building block for school success--I imagine that, after preschool, you may be looking at inclusion (academic and social supports) or ASIP programs (most frequently for kids with Asperger's, needing minimal academic support): again, there are good ones. Oakland gets a bad rap, but it does some things RIGHT.

Best wishes to you and your son! - TchrBeth

Nov 2008

I am looking for a preschool for my 3 year old son in the Berkeley/El Cerrito/Albany area (although willing to travel for something suitable). He is mildly on the autistic spectrum and is unlikely to qualify for significant school district services. He needs a lot of direction and help to be involved in group activities, so the preschool would have to be very supportive of his particular needs. Anyone have any recent experiences or recommendations? Anon My kid was diagnosed as being on the spectrum by one developmental pediatrician and possibly on the spectrum by another. He has had a great experience at Harold Jones Preschool in Berkeley. I don't know that the teachers have particular training with ASD kids, but they have like 20 years of experience and were really good at providing help and support to my son. He is much better at playing with other kids, making connections with them, staying on task, imaginative play. basically all the things I was worried about when he started. You need to be UC-affiliated to get in.

April 2008

We are thinking about moving to University Village in Albany. We have a high functioning autistic son who will be four in August. Is there a good, free, preschool in Albany? I've heard of some great public preschools in other cities, but no so much in Albany. Anybody have any suggestions? Is there a way to go to another school district if we are not satisfied with our choices? If so, how would we go about doing that? I'm not familiar with the area. I've never been there, and we aren't moving there until this summer. frustrated mom If you haven't already done so, you should contact the school district, because Albany is lucky enough to have one of the finest public special education preschool classes in the county. Another bonus for your family:it's located in UC VIllage. Contact the district to see if there are openings and visit the class. I had the pleasure of student teaching there last year, and the class has a wonderful, calm staff, and a fantastic OT on site. Best of luck Alesia

Feb 2008

My husband was just accepted to UC Berkeley, which is of course fantastic, but I'm having trouble finding resources online for my autistic son, who will be four in April. We haven't technically decided to move to Berkeley yet, but it's our top pick right now. I saw a preschool online called Tilden in East Oakland that looks great! Their website was a bit out of date which scared me into thinking it's not around anymore though. Colin's autism is very mild, and he does not need an aid. The preschool he goes to now is part of the school district, and is half low income families and half kids with special needs. We love it, and I'm trying very hard to find something similar. He does need OT, Speech, and ABA if those services are available. My perfect school for him would be an inclusive preschool, full day with these services provided. I'll be a stay at home mom (at least for a while) with a newborn (due in June). With the very little money thing, it would be awesome if it was a public school. We're willing to not live in Berekely if it means a good school for my son. I found Tildon in Oakland, but it looks like you have to enroll your child in February or March of this year. Yikes! We won't even know if we're moving to Berkeley until April (hubby is keeping fingers crossed for Stanford and Yale). Does anyone know of any other preschools that are really good? Anybody have any advice? We would both love to live in the Berkeley area because it such a great school, but if it's not going to work for our family then we need to plan to move elsewhere. Thanks so much!! Tilden, an Oakland public school, is thriving. It has great half-day programs for preschool kids with special needs (and more). (Click here to see the rest of this review, and 2 other reviews for Tilden School)

Additionally, if you need respite care, you can get him evaluated at the Regional Center of the East Bay, (510)383-1200. Good luck with the move. East bay mom Hi, I don't have any great suggestions for Berkeley, but I can tell you that I can think of two great options if you end up in New Haven. The first is The Neighborhood Music School which runs a wonderful small traditional (not daycare) preschool program (my son went there) their director, Leslie, is highly skilled and works tightly with every family's differing needs. They also offer financial aid. Second, if your husband is at the law school, you will be eligible for the law school's sponsored day care/preschool, which we had several friends who sent their children there and were very happy. Good luck! barbara I am a Special Education Teacher who specializes in working with kids on the Autism Spectrum for the West Contra Costa Unified School District (about 10 min from Berkeley) and can HIGHLY recommend ALL of their preschool special day classes (if I remember correctly there are 15 preschool classes, yes 15. ). In fact after seeing all the preschool Autism programs in this area it is the only district that I feel would have the quality staff, knowledge and diversity in programs to meet the many different levels of children on the Autism Spectrum. Go WCCUSD. It is possible your son will qualify for funding through the East Bay Regional Center. In California - children/adults with developmental, autistic and some other disabilities are funded by the Regional Center system - For Berkeley and most cities near by you would be served by East Bay Regional Center office in Oakland. Call them and see if your son would qualify for services. They would work with you and the school district to find a placement and possibly help fund his placement as well. Good luck, and as a former Illini - still miss Chicago, but love it here. Former Illini The Bay Area is one of the better areas to live in for autistic children. Emily Rubin (co author of SCERTS) for all children on the spectrum, is in Monterey and has trained several Bay Area therapists, clinics and districts in Northern California. Her co authors and she originally researched, developed, tested, and implemented their methods, research, assessments, and interventions at the Yale clinic in New Haven (also a great place to live for an autistic child).She incorporates several different resources in her interventions (TEACH, Carole Gray, Tony Atwood, ect.). Her company's website is: http://www. xroads. com www. scerts. com I believe she is located in Monterey.

Michelle Garcia Winner, who is very well known in the field of High Functioning Autism, and often works with Carol Gray, has a clinic in San Jose (South Bay, closer to Sanford). She has also trained several therapists, clinics and school districts in the area. I know at least one of the speech therapist in the Berkeley Schools who has received training from both her and Emily and implements it into her therapy. www. socialthinking. com info@socialthinking. com Phone# 408.557.8595x303 for Carol Gray: www. futurehorizons-autism. com

Lots of clinics in the bay area specialize in social disorders. Several Berkeley parents with high functioning autistic children take their children to Communication Works in Berkeley at cwtherapy. com phone # 510.639.2929. They incorporate a lot of Michelle Winner's methods. Diann Grimm, from the Diagnostic Center-North, now specializes in spectrum children and comes to the school site if a request is made, free of charge, for an evaluation and recommendations for intervention at: www. dcn-cde. ca. gov

For the public pre school in Berkeley I would recommend Margaret Lindenstein as a speech therapist and Joni Miller as a teacher. Joni primarily takes low functioning spectrum children, but I know a couple high functioning spectrum children who have been in her class, because she does such a wonderful job. Joni used to be at Hopkins, but I think she moved to Franklin. Margaret is at Hopkins and maybe Franklin. I know they both work well together. Louise Fender is another wonderful preschool speech therapist in the Berkeley public preschools. Vicki Van Steenburg is the pre-school Full Inclusion directer. Insurance usually covers therapy before children are school age and possibly for the Berkeley Communication Works when they are school age. I am not sure how young Comm. Works takes clients. Several of the Berkeley therapist have been trained for spectrum children and a full inclusion program is offered as early as preschool. Currently the training of therapist is sporadic with therapist using a hodgepodge of methods. Most of the OTs and Adaptive P. E. teachers work with autistic children together with the speech therapist and Full Inclusion teachers. Soon the Berkeley district may receive SCERTS training for all therapist working with spectrum children. The Emerson Elementary speech, full inclusion, and OT staff are already implementing SCERTS, Michelle Winner and Dainn Grimm into therapy programs. anon

December 2006

My 3 year old son was diagnosed with PDD/NOS when he was 2 years old by the East Bay Regional Center. His been getting services through them for about a year now. He currently gets in-home ABA, Speech and OT. He has made great progress and we have him in a mainstream pre-school with an aide 2 days a week.

Here is my concern and I need advice.

Because he is turning 3 in December, the Regional Center can't continue the services and we now have to go through the school district. It's the San Ramon School District. We had our first IEP meeting on Tuesday and we ran out of time. There was just so many questions I had. We have to schedule another meeting. I am very concerened because what they are recommending for my son is Special-Ed classes, the CEIA Center and their services through the district.

Has anyone gone through these services? How was your expereience? and what would you recommend? Has anyone had to fight with the school to keep the services they have?

I would love to talk to someone who has gone through this because I'm on information overload and have so much information and not sure what to do. I just know that the ''appropiate'' services for my son should be what he is getting now. I know my son the best.

Any advice or input would be greatly apprciated. Nilesh The CEIA Center seems to be a pretty good program. The lead behaviorist is new (which is a nice/good change from last year) and I think she has a great feel for the kids and the program. Have you had the chance to visit the program? San Ramon is a good District but you need to be on top of things. The District has been heavily impacted by the growth and development in the community and therefore are short staffed. It is my understanding that the District is short staffed on Speech and OT's and that they have been contracting out and using the family's current therapist through Regional Center so that the kids are not without services. As for the Special Day Class or CEIA center. not sure what they are recommending for your child so I can not really comment. The only time a District will consider paying for current services is when they have no place to put the child due to overcrowded classrooms and that is also only short term until they open up new classrooms, etc.

The biggest shock/adjustments families have to make when transitioning out of Regional Center Early Intervention Services is the change in services. Some families supplement the District services by paying privately for other services. If you have someone from your ABA program that can attend your IEP that would be great or if you have an advocate. You can call DREDF or CASE or your Regional Center Case Manager for advocate information. anolther thing you should get is the book, ''A parents guide to an IEP.'' You can get it through Nolo Press in Berkeley. Good luck. anonymous I belong to a few yahoo groups who seem to have many parents in the San Ramon district and they overall do not seem happy with the district. What you are being offered sounds very similar to what my 3 year old has in the Mt. Diablo school district and it is really working well for him. He has improved dramatically. He is scheduled so much of the day that I really don't want additional services. But, as we all know with autism, every kid is different and individualized programs are what they need. But we also live in a time when school districts have very little funding. from our pathetic state education funding AND the federal funding. I am going with the services offered for this reason, and staying on top of things and vigilant to make sure they are what he needs. I also know as a mom to two kids on the spectrum who works closely with both children every day that my time is precious, and I don't want to waste my time with them in battle with the school district and with lawyers, as long as I see the kind of progress I am seeing. I see this happen with a lot of autism parents. So. good luck getting what your child needs! I wish you the best.

parent of two ASD kids Hi Nilesh! My son gets in-home ABA, is enrolled in a full inclusion preschool class with a full time 1:1 aide, and it's all paid for by the school district. I'm happy to talk to you about my experiences, please feel free to contact me directly. Jill Dear Nilesh, A really good book that addresses these issues is '' Autism Spectrum Disorders'', by Chantal Sisile-Kira. She has an information packed chapter on how to deal with the system, what your rights are and how to get the best education for your child. If you don't have the book, go get it. It's published by Perigee. lorrie

Jan 2005

My son, diagnosed with PDD-NOS, will be three at the end of this month. He's been in an Early Intervention program (Small Voices) for most of the last year, and now we're ''transitioning'' him into the Berkeley USD (as I write this, he hasn't yet had his IEP). I'm confused by our options, I'm concerned about doing the right thing, I need somebody to talk to! Are there any parents out there who have been where I am and can talk to me? Jill I don't know what kind of preschool programs are available at BUSD, but I will tell you about the class my son attended when he was 4. It was a preschool for the ''communicatively handicapped'' that Oakland has, and it contained kids with a variety of diagnoses: PDD, autism, one or two children who had hearing loss but did not rely exclusively on signing.

It was a very structured program, which helped these kids learn and perform. The teacher we had there was wonderful and it really helped get my son on the path to learning. He had a hard time with staying on task etc. but did pretty well.

If you have a diagnosis for your child, you have presumably seen a professional. Ask him/her what kind of preschool setting would be best, and then ask the school (in advance of your IEP) for permission to visit any preschools that might apply.

I'd also look in the archives here to see if any of the private preschools seems appropriate. I'd also go visit Linda Beech school in Piedmont to see the kind of program they run.

Looking at a lot of options and seeing what kind of kids are in each setting, and whether they seem attentive and happy, will help.

If you would like general help on your IEP, there is a great book: Lawrence Siegel's ''The Complete IEP Guide: How to Advocate for Your Special Ed Child'' from Nolo Press. I used this to prepare for my 1st IEP and have found it a great, great reference guide.

You can also contact me directly if you want more suggestions, but for school district navigation advice it's better to hear from BUSD parents.

Good luck! Nancy

Feb. 2004

I checked on the website and there's no recent information on good childcare/preschool programs for a child with special needs. My son has been diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder and we are hoping to find a preschool that can accomodate both he and his twin (normal functioning) sister. He's pretty mild, but his current preschool gives me the impression that he is still much more work than they are used to. Any recommendations would be greatly appreciated. I have heard of a good school out in Danville, but since we live and work in El Cerrito it's just not feasable to do such a commute daily. Many thanks, - Susan Recommendations received:

Daisy Child Development Center (Oakland)

Oak Hill School (Marin)

Other advice:

There is a preschool attached to Castro Elementary School on Donal St. in El Cerrito that may be just what you are looking for. The preschool does ''reverse mainstreaming,'' meaning most of the children have special needs but the group includes non-special needs kids as well. The teachers I met there last year were incredibly warm and loving had wonderful relationships with all of the children. You can probably reach them through the West Contra Costa County Unified School District. Good Luck! Courtney Zeleski is a great resource for parents of special needs children, especially those with autism. She does wonderful one-on-one work, and knows a great deal about what resources are available. Her phone numbers are (510) 326-9062 and (510) 531-4197. You can also reach her by email at wocnebi AT yahoo. com. Paul ''The Tutor'' Osborne

October 2003

Our (almost) three year old was just diagnosed with autistic spectrum disorder. She is very verbal and the diagnosis may be changed to Asperger's as she grows older. Our IEP is coming up soon and we are looking into various preschool options. We are uncertain as to whether she would be best suited in a 5 day per week special day class or in some combination of ''typical'' community preschool combined with special services for spectrum disorder. Our child is very high functioning and we're not sure she'd be best served in a school district day classroom that also serves children with more severe disabilities. In addition, we are investigating various schools and services for preschoolers on the spectrum. Recommendations from parents who have been through this would be much appreciated. Concerned Parent

You didn't say which school district you were in, but if its Oakland, you should look into one of the classrooms at Tilden School. This is a small special education public school for preschool/kindergarten, and has classes for a variety of non - severely handicapped disorders such as Asperger's, autism, language, deaf/hard of hearing and more. (My son attends there in one of the communicative handicapped kindergarten classes.)

If you happen to be in the Piedmont School District, the Asperger's expert teacher who used to teach at Tilden is now teaching at a school there. Her name is Patti Stevenson.

If you are in neither of these districts and your district is not offering an appropriate placement, you could perhaps get an inter-district transfer. Under the law you are entitiled to a ''free and APPROPRIATE education'' for your child. If the classroom being offered to you has a mixture of children with disabilities ranging from mild to severe, that is not an appropriate placement for your child. If you need any further information, I would be happy to direct you to some parents who could better answer your questions. Charlotte

Elementary School

July 2014

Our daughter, who has an ASD diagnosis but is extremely high-functioning, will start kindergarten next fall. We're starting to search for the right school for her. Her therapists think a private school will suit her better rather than a public school with an IEP, at least at this point. What we need is a school with small class sizes (or a least a small teacher:student ratio), and really compassionate and skilled faculty that can assist in her social development, which is the only area in which she really struggles. I couldn't really find any advice in the archives tailored to our situation. I'd love advice and recommendations. We're in Berkeley but would travel for the right school. Thanks so much! Needs Advice Call the Berkeley School and talk to the admissions director, Paula Farmer. It's worth looking at and may meet your needs. We have a very socially awkward child who has done well there. J I highly recommend that you take a look at St Paul's Episcopal School in Oakland. The team of learning specialists are truly outstanding and work closely with the classroom teachers, outside specialists, and parents to provide differentiated instruction and the right kinds of support. Social-emotional development is an important part of the curriculum for all St. Paul's students. The school has a very strong culture of compassion which makes it a kind place for kids. Like many private schools, St. Paul's does have a small class size. My daughter is a solid and engaged student which social skills challenges and language-based learning differences. She started at St. Paul's in first grade and in now going into 6th. It has been a thrill to see her develop and thrive in school and beyond. Happy to discuss my family's experience with you. Good luck with your search!

Jan 2014

What is your recent experience with non-public schools in this area? (I understand the school situations can change dramatically as the staff changes.) So far, we are researching Conye Academy at Lincoln, James Baldwin Academy at Seneca, Spectrum Schools in Hayward for 5th grade, and Phillips Academy for 6th. Our child is a highly-verbal extrovert on the autism spectrum (Asperger's) with PTSD, anxiety and sensory processing issues all of which point to and result in emotional dysregulation and outbursts if not in the right environment. Are there other schools we should be checking out? The district says they can only pay for non-public schools, not private (and we can't afford it ourselves). Any guidance is much appreciated. Confused Parent If you haven't already, speak to an educational advocate at dredf - (800)348-4232. And check out their website: dredf. org.

Get a free consult w/a lawyer. We found a great one on BPN. The school district's primary goal is to keep costs down.

Check out Star Academy in San Rafael. http://www. staracademy. org/

At least half of Star's students are publicly funded and the school has a fleet of vans to transport the kids.

Knowledge is power! Anon

Oct 2013

We are moving to the Bay Area due to a job relocation to San Francisco. We have two diagnosed 7 year olds (yes twins) both on the Autism spectrum. What school districts should we be looking to move into? Shannon As a parent to a 9 yr old with ASD I have relocated to Lafayette specifically for the schools. My child has classic autism, late talker. And other ASD symptoms but is more in the high functioning group, not aspergers. Springhill elementary school in Lafayette is a wonderful school that offeres special Ed classes specific to kids abilities with mainstreaming into the General Ed class and a lot of awareness & acceptance for our kids. Yes, it is a bit pricey here in Lafayette & I've accepted to live in a smaller home than if like to but it's one of the best school districts in California. There's no tolerance for bulling which our ASD kids need, acceptance and understanding. I wouldn't send my kid to school Anywhere else! A.

Sept 2013

I have a 6 year old daughter that recently began first grade at a new, expensive, private school that we love in many respects. The problem is that there is a boy that is clearly autistic or on the spectrum in her class. I think his autism is mild. Her class only has 9 students and this boy was previously in a preschool run by our school's director so the director has known him for a few years and I suspect that is why he made it through the typical private school screening process. The boy is bothering my daughter by talking to her and touching her arm or schoolwork papers/pencils during class. He also constantly interrupts her, the teacher and the other students and talks about completely unrelated topics during class. This really bothers my daughter and she says it hurts her ability to focus. The teacher has already moved the desks around once, I suspect to move the autistic boy away from 2 other boys that were probably encouraging his behavior, and he is now next to my daughter. I intend to ask the teacher to move him away from daughter but am unsure what else to do. I don't think it is a problem for my child to be in class with children that may have some learning/behavioral issues or disabilities since she needs to learn how to relate and form friendships with people that aren't exactly like her. But if that child is impeding my child's ability to learn, then it is a problem. Particularly since I am paying a HUGE amount of money that I can barely afford in order to send my child to a private school because I thought it would give her the best possible learning environment. But since she is in private school, I can certainly pay tuition elsewhere if I don't feel this is the best school for my kid. I could ask to move her to the other first grade classroom but this would bother my daughter since she has already made some friends in the current class. I could just stick it out and send her to another school next year. Could those of you that may have neurotypical children in a class with autistic children give me your opinion on how you would proceed under these conditions?

By the way, I am very aware that parents of autistic children will tell me, rightly, that it is in the best interests of autistic children to mainstream their education with normal kids. I have no doubt that this is a great environment for the autistic boy. I am not sure what is the most politically correct way to ask this question but would like other's opinion to make a decision. I am trying to figure out if this is the best learning environment for my daughter. I greatly appreciate any insight! I have a nuerotypical 8 year old son. There is a boy in his class who is on the spectrum. For two year, kinder and 1st grade, this child was extremely disruptive in class, super taxing on the teacher, and required a lot of attention. Last year, when my son was in 2nd grade, the teacher placed this little boy at my son's table and asked my son to be a good friend to him. This is the first time that a teacher had taken this approach, as opposed to just trying to contain the kid and minimize the ''harm'' he was doing. What happened was amazing and beautiful. This kid at my son's table was the best thing that could have happened to my son. He learned compassion, what it means to be a good friend, what it means to help another member of his class community. He reinforced his own learning because he began helping this friend with his work - explaining the math concepts to him, double-checking his spelling. The year was an amazing year of growth for both boys. My son grew into a compassionate, caring individual and the little friend has really developed out of a lot of the disruptive behavior. I am telling you this because you are so worried about your kid's classroom learning, but I want to encourage you to think about the reality that this may be an opportunity for her to learn something much more important. I suspect my advice will be quickly disregarded, and honestly, that is why I would never send my child to a private school. There is an explicit sentiment that underscores everything - ''I paid for this, so it should be the way I want it to be''. We all want the best for our kids, but I think that what's best for our kids is to learn how to be good to one another, to look out for one another, and to support one another. This is not antithetical to classroom / hard skills learning. But it is at least equally important. a public school parent You need to tread very carefully when talking to the teacher and school principal about this issue - in the interests of making your case, please see how you can tone down your words (compared to the BPN post) when discussing this. I'd focus on distractions to your daughter, and not even mention that the boy appears autistic (after all you don't know his diagnosis), unless to say that you are aware of special challenges some kids have with classroom behavior, and you are all for integrated classrooms. but you need to make sure your daughter's learning process is not impeded. You may also bring up that this boy must be distracted too and not learning at his best.

If the problem appears severe enough, a possible solution could be an classroom aide for the boy. I've heard that public schools are required to provide one if the evaluation shows that's needed, not sure if private schools are subject to the same requirements. I'd mention the possible need for an aide - at least that's a constructive solution that would keep the boy in the classroom while removing distraction for other kids.

Finally, I seem to remember my own 1st grade. we had at least a dozen boys pulling the girls' hair, throwing pencils, making crazy faces etc. They weren't all autistic - just boys. However that was a blue-collar neighborhood public school, and I realize you chose private to have a different learning environment. Keep perspective though; even if you don't manage to get exactly what you want from your daughter's school, or if it takes most of this school year to make the change, she will come out ok. Good luck! Hi there. I've worked with autistic kids for over 10 years. This is a never ending issue in classrooms, especially small classrooms. As you said, it good practice for your daughter to be accepting of others. It's also good for her to be able to have some extra coping skills to deal with distractions, annoyances etc. in the classroom. I'm wondering if he's making her feel uncomfortable (with poor boundaries like touching her arm etc). I think you should definitely talk to the teacher about your concerns. Maybe there should also be a class discussion (maybe with a school behaviorist) about appropriate ways to interact with this child and ways to communicate for him to stop. I'm guessing they have a behavior system in place for him. Try suggesting that maybe this should be his goal. Does he have an aide? This is a tough situation because you don't want to sound insensitive/discriminatory yet you want you child to succeed I the best classroom environment possible. Give your daughter tools to deal with this. Work with the teacher/behaviorist. I've seen a lot of parents not say anything and then be frustrated when that child is in the class. I think it's really important to talk about it, try to come up with a solution. Feel free to contact me if you'd like. Good luck! Holden First, with all due respect, your child is 6 and in first grade. The main learning in first grade, besides learning to read, is socialization and learning to pay attention with distractions. Kids of all sorts will be in her class throughout the years. Some will be distracting. I would recommend helping teach your child how to communicate clearly her needs to this boy. To politely yet firmly ask him not to touch her or her things and that while she would love to talk, please dont talk to her during work time. Additonally, if you feel it would be disruptive for her to switch classes, how might it be for the other child? This is a great learning experience for your daughter, as you said. Include your daughter and the teacher, and possibly the boy's parents in solving this in a positive manner and you will teach your daughter a grat lesson. Otherwise move her and realize she will make new friends in a matter of days. another parent Kids are not perfect. Classroom dynamics are seldom perfect. You could easily substitute ''autistic kid'' with ''ADHD kid'' (seldom diagnosed before age 6-7) or ''kid who is acting out because her parents are getting a divorce'' to envision a class where there is disruption. Look on the bright side--there are only 9 kids--the teacher should have plenty of time to figure it out.

Why do you assume that your daughter's classmate only got in to the school because his family knew the director? Do you think that ''autistic'' is the only way to describe him? Perhaps he was admitted to the school because he is bright, or funny, or creative? Private schools ALL say how much they value diversity. Sounds like your school is putting their money where their mouth is by valuing neurodiversity. Good for them.

Perhaps the schools high price tag pays for low class sizes and quality instruction, not keeping the ''riff-raff'' out.

The school year has just begun--how about giving everyone--the boy, your daughter, the teacher--some time to adjust and get to know each other? Mom of riff-raff My daughter is a neurotypical third grader in public school. In first and second grade, she had two autistic (not Aspergers but classic autism) children in her class. This year, one of those children is in her class again. Not all classes in each grade include autistic children, and I consider her so lucky to have been in classes that did so many times. The opportunity to get used to these kids' differences has been a gift in tolerance and empathy. She has learned to appreciate that they have their own interests and talents, not just deficits, and that they are individuals just as neurotypical kids are. To her, autism is not weird or scary or something to ridicule but rather another one of the ways people can be different. I once overheard her explain it to a friend who found the behavior ''weird,'' and I felt an incredible surge of parental pride.

Now, one difference from the situation you describe is that the autistic kids have a classroom aide and they also spend part of their time in a separate classroom focusing on behavioral learning with the aides. This helps things run smoothly, takes pressure off the classroom teachers, and minimizes the effect of disruption on the other kids. My daughter's classes are much bigger than your child's (+/- 26 kids) but it sounds like the mainstreaming is much easier because of the dedicated aides. I remember in first grade the aide gave a great presentation about autism, and my daughter learned a lot. Overall, it has been a totally positive experience. Now, my son has just started kindergarten and I noticed that one of his new classmates has Downs Syndrome, and I was happy to see it, not for the other child's sake in particular -- I don't even know him -- but for my son's. Familiarity breeds understanding; distance breeds fear and contempt. I'd like my son to be academically accomplished, of course, but even more important to me is that he grow into a tolerant, broad-minded, good-hearted person who can engage with the world in a positive way. Anon I am the mom of a 6 year old boy on the autism spectrum in private school - a different one than yours, since our class size is larger. All the distracting behavior that you mentioned are ones I would want to know about and hope the teacher would tell me about. All of those - talking off topic, touching other children, talking when the children should be listening - are behaviors that our son learns about in his private social skills group and with his Occupational Therapist after school. I am going to add that to my list of items to be certain to communicate with the teacher about, so thank you for helping me understand your concern.

It seems totally appropriate to me to ask the teacher to move your daughter away from any student who is regularly creating a distraction for her.

I don't think it is appropriate for you to refer to having a boy on the autistic spectrum in our daughter's classroom as a ''problem'' or to suggest that the school's screening process is a problem. They accepted a child they knew well based on their admissions values. They also are likely working with the boy and his family to help him not disrupt the classroom. If you don't trust the school's process to create a learning environment that you want for your daughter, I think you should look for a new school that fits your ideal scenario. Jean Hi - I have one neurotypical daughter and one autism-spectrum son, so at times I have been in your position and at times I have been the mom of the A. S.boy.

In kindergarten and first grade, my girl was in a 10-child class class at an expensive private school that we could barely afford. There were no A. S. students in the school - they had all been screened out.

Still, my daughter struggled socially in that small pool of kids. From a learning standpoint, ten is a good number for the teacher to be able to stay on top of everyone's academic progress. But if the mix of kids is not right, it can torpedo a little girl's progress. It seems that the way girls learn, the social setting has to work for them. The fact that your girl has friends in the class is a major blessing.

IMHO the school is not managing the A. S. boy correctly. I'd bet that the teacher in your expensive private school is not being paid very well, and has no special education training. Ideally the boy would have an aide who is a charismatic grad student in developmental psychology. That person should sit beside the boy in class and give him subtle but clear signals when he is off task or annoying other kids.

While each A. S. kid is unique, there are some predictable different flavors. The writers of the DSM are in complete chaos about diagnostic labels, but I am going to stick to the classics: high functioning autism, Asperger's Syndrome, Nonverbal Learning Disorder.

In my experience with lots of these kids, the true Aspies tend to be abrasive and don't care whether other people like them or not. It is unlikely that your daughter's classmate is in that category, or he would not have been enrolled.

If he is an NLD person like my son, he may be clueless about social cues and it is a necessary part of his education and social skills building that he be told gently, clearly, and immediately when he is being inappropriate and rewarded when he improves with behaviors like the off-topic conversation, interrupting others, and not keeping his hands to himself.

It is a lot of work for the school or the aide to provide this kind of support, but this is what it takes for these kids to succeed. ''Applied Behavior Analysis'' is the gold standard. I've seen the wonderful results.

The NLD kids I know are very sweet and eager to please, and their feelings are deeply hurt when the seating is rearranged to put them in Siberia.

I strongly suggest that you speak to the school administrator who is mentoring this boy -- in the spirit of brainstorming a way to help him AND your daughter.

The way to NOT approach it would be to organize a lynch mob with the other parents and get the boy kicked out of school. What kind of lesson would this be for your daughter, if that is the way she sees adults treating children who are ''different'' or have clear disabilities? Amelia This is a difficult and complex situation. For whatever reason, it would appear that the school believes that this child is a good fit for them - one for whom they can provide a good education and who can be successful within their community. On the other hand, you feel that the behavior of this child is impinging upon the education that your child is receiving. It sounds as if the teacher had attempted to remediate the situation by making structural changes but that this failed to be successful, at least for your child. It seems to me that you have 3 choices: 1. You can work with the school to see if other structural changes would be possible (including moving your daughter to another classroom), 2. You can remove your daughter from the school, or 3. You can try to help your daughter to see this challenge as a part of her education. Much of what happens in the early years of learning (beyond children learning the basics of skills and the concept of learning itself) involves the experience of social learning. It is a time when children begin to experience themselves in a world outside the protected circle of their family and to organize and navigate that world. It may well be that this boy presents an opportunity for your daughter to learn empathy, dealing with those who are different, tolerating uncomfortable situations. These are very useful and important skills. As her parent, it is obviously up to you to decide your priorities when it comes to your daughter's education, but we sometimes worry so much about academics that we can fail to see the other aspects of what the school experience can offer. Good luck to you. Amy One huge thing I would encourage you to do is to sit down with the teacher and ask her to help your daughter know what to do when the boy is doing things that bother her. For example, if he continually plays with her pencils or touches her, he might need a ''fidget'' such as putty, movable toys, etc, to help him focus, and your daughter can learn what to say to him to redirect him with minimal interruption, like ''use your fidget, Johnny.'' The boy can be ''frontloaded'' about what to do when he feels the need to touch something (teacher should pay attention to what's going on at the time-is he unfocused? Bored? Tired? Overstimulated? and be able to provide him with something he needs so that he will not try to get it from his immediate environment, like your daughter or her paper, and explain to him that when he does these things, other kids feel bothered because it's an unexpected behavior, and when it's time to do work, he is expected to be doing his.)I am imagining a scenario in which the children are all sitting doing their work, and the autistic child is needing sensory stimulation or has had too much, or feels unfocused, in which case he will do things to try to meet his needs that might be disruptive. I have an autistic son who was in public school, and while I'd love for him to be with neurotypical kids, we were doing him no favors trying to get him through every day at public school because he really needed that kind of step by step management and teaching about what is expected/unexpected and what other people feel when he does unexpected things and what he can do differently or instead and providing him with sensory breaks as often as he needed them. They have helped his behavior and painstakingly taught him how to take perspective and taught him through sheer patience and repetition that he does have choices at every step and taking breaks (leaving the group when he needs to)does not mean punishment, it is advocating for himself. In other words, they are giving him the skills to interact with others that he may be able to use if he goes back to public school one day as that is always their goal. I totally understand your concern for your daughter and I share it. I hope this rambling thing makes sense or is helpful in some way. understood My child (who attended private school K-8) complained throughout about other kids distracting him. Eventually my son was diagnosed with ADHD. Being easily distracted by what other people are doing is one of the main symptoms. Not to make you overly worried, but you might want to keep in mind that it's possible that your daughter has ADHD? It's under-diagnosed in girls because they tend to be compliant and don't display the same kind of hyperactivity that boys do. Especially if she is bright. Some kids also complain as a way to relieve stress, particularly if they are anxious about their own performance. It feels empowering to them. This was part of my son's personality too.

From my experience, your daughter could easily be saying the kinds of things you listed about a first-grader who is neurotypical -- "he's constantly talking to me during class, he's touching my arm, my pencils, my homework, he interrupts everyone all the time, he talks about unrelated topics." All of that behavior -- and a lot worse -- was exhibited by "normal" kids at my son's (very expensive) private school not only in first grade, but well beyond. In fact, I deal with adult versions of it in my workplace, come to think of it.

I don't want to sound harsh, but to me it sounds like it might be more your daughter's problem than anything else. Which isn't to say you should do nothing, but I think you might want to shift your focus on how to equip her to deal with the kinds of distractions you are describing, rather than attempt to create an environment for her where those distractions don't happen. Even if you homeschool her, she might find that you are annoying (my son sure does)! Good luck ------------------------------------------ If you really think it is good for your daughter to get to know and learn to deal with all types of children, you know the answer to your own question. Your daughter stays in the class and learns to deal with it. Tell the teacher you want help creating the best learning experience for your child and then trust the teacher to do so.

I highly doubt that your daughter is so focused on her learning environment but rather I think it is you that is so upset (since you are spending SOOOO much money on this prestigious school.)I have been around the block and have raised two children to adulthood so I feel very strongly about saying this---you need to let go a bit. You will not be able to control your daughter's environment forever. It is best that you learn this now. Even if you choose to home school her, she is still going to go over to friends' houses and be exposed to all sorts of things and ALL of these things will help prepare her for life. please don't be another helicopter parent---I fear the next generation of children will be totally fragile, self important adults. I've thought about your post every day since I read it. I've wanted to reply kindly and thoughtfully and constructively. You did ask for insight, so I'm going to help you see this a bit differently by giving you insight into children on the Autism spectrum.

When you posted your note, it was probably the first week of school. The students are still settling in and learning new routines and expectations. All children are trying to feel settled in the classroom and make new friends in class and during playtime. All children have the impulse to be included, be a part of the excitement and play with someone. Lots of children feel nervous, anxious, confused and a little excited to be in a new social setting. It's normal. Kids on the spectrum feel this too.

For now, rather than looking at this as a boy trying to bother and annoy your daughter, look at it this way. In his own way - because he's still learning how to make friends and isn't getting it right yet - he's trying to figure out how to say hello, get a smile or get an interaction. He might not know yet how to say, 'what's your name, do you want to play on the playground later?' But he may have the same impulse to be included in what's going on around him. Rather than poking he needs to learn, or his teacher needs to facilitate him saying, 'Hi Clair'. The other child has the opportunity to give him guidance with words - 'I don't like it when you touch my paper, it distracts me'. He may not know; he's just experimenting with ways to interact. If your daughter gives him kind and concrete feedback, he'll better understand and she'll learn how to express herself in a really positive way. Hopefully the teacher will reward them both for interacting well (though that we can't control).

I'd try not to characterize him in your mind as a 'problem' or as a barrier to your daughter's learning. You'll have a hard time seeing the positives or teaching your daughter to be patient with one of her classmates. Try to imagine that he is a lovely child who misses social cues and doesn't notice your daughter scowling at him. He might need confusing, new classroom situations explained a bit more. He wants to make a friend and be part of the fun, but this doesn't come easily and some times he gets it wrong. Sometimes people think he's trying to bother them when he's really trying to say 'hi' in his own way. It's a lot of changes to navigate for a 6-year old - for both your daughter and this little boy. She may be able to teach him a thing or two, but that's not her job, of course.

The world is an imperfect, confusing place. Having kindness, patience and an open heart to see the potential in each other is perhaps the biggest challenge that we ALL face. Perhaps your daughter will have the chance to begin that life-long lesson today, but she'll need your guidance to see his potential. With kindness and with hope, A Mother I wonder if you could switch the way you are framing this concern. Perhaps you can ask the following questions instead: ''What supports does this teacher and this classroom need to accommodate all students in it? What can I as a parent do to help advocate for the resources this teacher needs to effectively address the behavior and learning needs of every member of the class?'' The fact that you refer to the ''autistic child'' with thinly veiled disdain is certainly going to make it difficult for anyone in the business of caring for children to really hear your question rather than to write you off as a callous, self-interested parent who has no interest in the wider community of students at your child's school. Your child is watching your reaction and learning from the way you approach this situation, so please model decency and respect. parent of neurotypical kids who values diversity One more thing I would like to suggest - invite this boy and his parents for a playdate. Not only would you have a chance to get to know many, many other sides of his personality, but you would also get an opportunity to observe the biggest experts (aka his parents) handling and managing any social challenges he may have during interactions with your daughter. I suspect not only will these parents be more than happy to show you the best approach to redirecting their kid, but this little act of kindness may go a long way - I imagine playdates and birthday party invitations may not be abundant in this boy's life. Big fan of empathy

June 2010

Hi, does anyone know of any schools in the Bay Area for children wtih Aspergers Syndrome? Thank You. anon Orion Academy in Moraga. Here's there website http://www. orionacademy. org/index. shtml My best to you and your child. Nancy T. Chin Academic Coach Check out Stanbridge Academy in San Mateo. SF Waldorf and Bay School in SF. Last two schools are mainstream but do accept kids who don't have behavioral issues and are willing to work hard. Good luck BTDT maria I have an aspie son who just completed 4th grade and in my experience there is a lack of placements for children with Asperger Syndrome in my area - Oakland and surrounding cities. There are Springstone (middle and HS) and Orion (HS) in Lafayette and Moraga. Raskob says they don't take kids with AS but it sure seems like they have quite a few and I think the same would be true of Bay Hill HS. Some aspie students do well in the public school inclusion programs. laura

March 2009

I am looking for advice from families of kids with Aspergers, PDD, etc. who have moved from mainstream schools to private schools that specifically support their kid's special needs (e. g. Springstone, Orion Academy). What convinced you to make the move? What have been the pros/cons? If you were able to get the public schools to help pay for the special school, what did you do to make that happen? Will you go back to mainstreaming?

My child has some characteristics of Aspergers, and has been successful in public school (Berkeley) until 3rd grade. Now he's very negative about school, feels overwhelmed even though he does well grade-wise, expresses high anxiety and little optimism about school. We believe this is due to ASD-related anxiety exacerbated by the school setting.

The well-intentioned but overloaded staff has tried to be helpful, but to little effect. I try to help them, but frankly I'm stumped. I'd sure appreciate hearing from folks who've found themselves in this kind of a situation and either improved the mainstream school situation or made a change. Thank you so much! Mom of awesome ASD kid I'm considering this for my boy as well - sorry no advice yet, it looks like you're closer to the decision and more informed for now, but I will listen to your replies for sure! We did have a Dr speak highly of Orion Academy for high school, though she also said it was far too soon to know if it would be the right fit for him when the time came. berkeleymom If your son needs to change schools for social or emotional reasons, you'll need to get an advocate or attorney. BUSD does not understand this disability and will try to keep kids out of special education unless you know your rights and have an advocate. If you go to a meeting of BUSD special ed parents, 99% of them got services for their kids (a range of disabilities) only after bringing an advocate in. Frustrated Mom of ASD kid I have not moved my child to a private school and hope you get responses from some who have because your issues apply to my situation as well. I have an asperger son in 3rd grade this year (Oakland public school) and find that each year it becomes increasingly difficult for him to have a good school placement. I have looked at other school settings - private and public - and have not found the right school for him. I believe it does not exist in our area but maybe I'm wrong. If you are interested, your are welcome at our parent support group which meets one evening a month in Oakland. You might enjoy speaking with other parents whose children are experiencing similar challenges. Feel free to e-mail me for more info about the support group or to share experiences. My son is now 18 but he was in the Berkeley public schools until 4th grade. His last two years in Berkeley were a disaster because, even though his team was well-meaning, they didn't know what to do with him. So, with the help of my lawyer (for the second time), we got him into Children's Learning Center (CLC) in Alameda. This was just the right place for him, and by 11th grade, he was able to attend the public high school full-time. He has since graduated and is now going to community college.

The pros of a private school include having a specialized team that knows how to teach your kid, in this case one who has Asperger's. I credit CLC with my kid's success in making it through school and getting a high school diploma. The cons include having to work with the team that's available. My son disliked his teacher at CLC for four years, but we had no choice because he was the only one who taught the advanced classes. I also couldn't volunteer at the private school because of privacy issues and that is something I really missed. As you can tell, I am a big advocate for private schools because my son needed a lot of specialized help. In 4th grade, I saw the general ed teacher overwhelmed by the needs of all her regular students and the special ed team untrained in my son's particular disability. In my son's case, I had to move him and I was fortunate enough to have a lawyer who got his private schooling paid for. Nancy I feel as though I need to make this post because my experience with my autistic son and BUSD has been quite different from the other posters'. My son is in fifth grade, in the Rosa Parks Elementary School Autism Special Day Class and I can't imagine a better place (private or public) for him to be. He has been in the program since kindergarten and has been blessed with teachers, therapists and aides who understand, appreciate and challenge him. Over the years, he has received occupational, speech and adapted physical ed therapy. He shares an aide with one other child and the teacher-student ratio has steadily remained lower than any private school could maintain. Three years ago, we agreed to place our son in a full-inclusion classroom. When it quickly became apparent that this was the wrong place for him, the school and district immediately responded with a new placement that met his needs perfectly. Since then, he has made terrific academic progress. He is a fierce reader and writer, excels beyond grade level in math and loves his teacher, aides and classmates. He is quite musical and the ASDC program has encouraged him in this in many wonderful ways.

Now, having said all this, I have to add that after some concerns about appropriate aide selection about 3 years ago, we did bring our attorney to one IEP meeting and a BUSD attorney also attended the meeting. The problem was quickly and respectfully solved. It could be possible that having an attorney at even just that one meeting gave us a bit of a ''reputation.'' All I know is that we've had no need of legal representation before or since then.

I know the pain and frustration of seeing your child's needs be misunderstood and unmet. And I know how exhausting and infuriating it is to be a perpetual ''parent from hell.'' My son is my greatest blessing and my greatest challenge. The ASDC program has been one place where I felt tremendously supported in meeting that challenge and where I feel really truly good about getting his needs met. It may not be the right place for every ASD child, but it has been a god-send for mine and I felt like I needed to speak up and say so. Best of luck to you and your family.

Jan 2009

I was wondering if there are any state guidelines that are used for criteria in getting a full time aide when my son is mainstreamed next year in first grade. The school district we are in (pleasanton) stated that he will need to meet some criteria in order to qualify for a full time aide when he is fully included in 1st grade. However, I can't seem to find any literature on this. thanks in advance. LF It's not so much a state law as it is a Federal law: The Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA) 2004. I can't imagine what criteria you would need other than a diagnosis of ASD. Here are some useful pages that I've used successfully:

http://www. wrightslaw. com/heath/parapro. aide. htm and

http://www. wrightslaw. com/info/relsvc. aide. steedman. htm

Also, having an advocate is extremely useful. Feel free to contact me directly if you have more questions. Good luck! Jill

May 2008

My son is high functioning autistic and will be entering 1st grade in the fall. We are considering a move to Oakland or Berkeley from the South Bay and are looking for good full inclusion programs in either public or private elementary schools (we'd prefer public). Our son currently attends regular, public kindergarten and has a classroom aide for support. We would love to hear about any experiences with and recommendations for full inclusion programs in any school in the area. Your advice, experience and recommendations are much appreciated! My daughter (12)has been well served by Berkeley, however, not in a full inclusion program. Our daughter, also mildly autistic but extremeley smart and talented goes to a fantastic private school paid for by the district. The inclusion program, even with an aid had flexibility but not enough structure to allow her to acheive academically. In addition the teasing was out of control even with an aid by second grade. Social learning with autism is so important and school is such a great place for it. Good Luck Jill

Dec 2007

Hi - My son 2 years 7 months old has been diagnosed with ASD, specifically PDD - NOS. He is in a private preschool three mornings a week and thriving there. We have an inhome ABA program and other services being funded thru the regional center right now, but our transition to the berkeley school district is coming up and I wanted to find out from other parents of special needs kids, about staying in private preschool versus transitioning to the public special ed preschools? Also did you continue to receive ABA program, speech, OT after this transition? Any advice? Thanks. J I work with young children on the austism spectrum (moderate - severe)in the public school system and feel that in general the best way to have your services covered is to go through the school system, with the advice of a parent advocate if you feel more comfortable. While at home therapy can be very functional, your child will probably get more in the way of services through the school district then at a private school where they do not have to provide services. I believe you have the option of paying for private school and then visiting your local school for services, but your child will miss out on the language intensive classroom specifically designed to meet his needs. I do not work in berkeley, so can't specifically respond to their program, but I suggest you arrange a visit to the class your child would be placed in, as well as conversations with relevant teachers and specialists (SLPs and OTs). Basically, be as open as you can be to all options and then make your decision. Oh, and I also recommend if you can afford it to find a slp/child focused educated play facilitator to lead regularly scheduled play groups with a neurotypical child. Good luck on your journey to find the best for your family! anon

Feb 2007

Wondering which school district would be better for a child with autism and visual impairment. Orinda or Berkeley parent of special needs boy.

parent of four year old boy I've had good experiences with Berkeley USD so far, but I think it may just be luck and not necessarily because the district is all that great. I've heard FANTASTIC things about Orinda, though, and if you can afford to live there, you definitely should. Jill Our experience in Berkeley was not as good as the previous poster's. Your situation will be somewhat different from ours, since our autistic child is so high-functioning that he eluded diagnosis until well into elementary school. We found that classroom teachers and even special ed staff in the elementary and secondary schools had a low level of awareness about his learning disabilities, so he rarely had effective academic support and we faced constant struggles. Outside professionals who helped us said that in their experience the staff in many surrounding districts ''got it'' much better. He had three good years of speech and language services, but there was a lot of luck involved.

This doesn't exactly answer your question, but have you looked into Lafayette? My information is a few years old, but I've heard from parents and providers that the Lafayette district was much better than average for students in special ed and also good in general. Orinda parents I talked with were enthusiastic about their schools for their typically-developing kids but warned me that it was not as good for special needs students. We found it a complex decision, once you factor in other things such as the availability of independent providers, the Regional Center, etc. A lot depends on the individuals who are working in a district at a given time, so things change. wishing you the best

Oct 2004

Any advice on how to find a person who is good with special - needs kids to engage my 9-year-old son in various activities after school up to 4 days/week? Could include help with homework, have friends over, supervise minor home chores, go to park, kick a soccer ball, go to library or other short outings, etc. Prefer someone with background or training with kids who have autistic-spectrum disorders. My son is high-functioning (PDD - NOS) and in a regular-ed classroom, but he does need extra help negotiating the world. I have posted to the BPN Childcare Digest but feel it is likely I will need additional sources to find this special care - giver. If you can suggest any ideas on where/how to go about this, please let me know. Thanks. Beth Both Mills and Merritt colleges have education/special-ed programs with enthusiastic and talented students. I'd start by calling their placement offices and asking how to best advertise your position to these students.

Loved Our Grad-Student Babysitter

High School

March 2013

Our 8th grade son with recently diagnosed mild Aspergers is set to attend Oakland Tech this fall, but several teachers have recently expressed concern that it might not be the best fit. Yes, rather late in the year for this. And now I'm panicked that we need to have an alternative lined up. There is absolutely NO WAY we can afford any private school (we aren't poor enough for financial aid and no way rich enough), so I'm hoping there's a charter school SOMEWHERE in the Bay Area that would work. Any suggestions, recommendations or warnings much appreciated. Panicked and Stressed You and your son may want to check out the Alameda Community Learning Center (ACLC) in Alameda, CA. (www. alamedaclc. org) ACLC is a small (300), public (tuition-free) charter middle and high school.

ACLC is a creative, inclusive and dynamic learning community. It provides an innovative, hands-on, research-based curriculum that emphasizes student engagement in a democratic society through leadership, self-direction and personal exploration. Learners participate in unique educational experiences including internships, community projects, and college classes at the nearby College of Alameda.

ACLC has been recognized by U. S. News and World Report as one of the Best High Schools in the United States for the past four years. It is consistently ranked as one of Alameda's top middle and high schools. The ACLC curriculum meets all University of California-approved A - G college prep courses, and over 90% of ACLC graduates are admitted to four year universities. Parent of 12th-grader and 8th-grader If you are willing to go to San Jose look into Communitas Charter High School. there are openings and it is a small and supportive college prep school. t I know a student with Asperger's who goes to Flex Academy in San Francisco and it is working out for him after some earlier attempts elsewhere. http://www. k12.com/sfflex/home#.UU-AeByG374 Dusty Sykes Don't freak out. You say your son is going to Tech in the fall-will he be in the ASIP program there? If not, please make sure you do all the paper work so that he is, you can't ask for him to be in the program if you haven't done the paper work. The ASIP (Asperger's Inclusion Program) at Tech is really supportive. Any kid who needs it has an aid accompany him/her to class and there is a lot of support. I work in the program by the way.

Maybe his teachers were afraid it would be too big and scary but it really isn't. Starting in 10th grade he can be in one of the academies which is an amazing opportunity to get a headstart on a career in either Biotech, Health, Engineering, Fashion Design, and Computers. It is a great opportunity that the Charter schools don't offer.

May 2011

Our teen has Aspergers and is having a hard time in the public school system. He has been in the Independent Study program at BHS for a year because the social scene at BHS was too much, but IS is not really meeting his needs. He is becoming isolated and is not making any new friends. We cannot afford placement at CLC or Bayhill, and are ideally looking for a home school/charter school arrangement, or even a private tutor, that will meet his needs and also qualify as full-time high school education. Any advice or ideas are appreciated. - Berkeley mom We have had a great experience at Trails To Success. www. trailstosuccess. org shea

March 2011

We are looking for a high school for our daughter (entering 9th grade in the fall) who is intellegent but also on the autism spectrum-- PDD-NOS or Asperger's. In the right environment, she does relatively well in school, but has low self-esteem and also dyslexia which causes struggles with reading (about one grade level below normal). Thus, a highly competitive, college-track-only school might not be a good fit. We're looking for those who have actual experience with the schools in our hunt, right now: Star Academy, Orion, Orinda Academy, CLC (Alameda), Milennium HS, Bay Hill, others we may not know about. We've seen the past BPN posts on this, looking to update our info, thanks. My daughter had been diagnosed with Asperger's, was very shy and also had low self-esteem. We sent her to Bentley School and she had a very good experience there. It's a small school and we found it both rigorous and ''touchy-feely'' (for lack of a better word). The teachers were very good, very kind and always ready and willing to help with any problems.

Because the school is so small, my daughter was able to form friendships with students in all the grades, not just hers, which I think provided her with social interactions she wouldn't have had in a bigger school.

My daughter did not have learning disabilities per se, though she had trouble with executive function. Bentley was very helpful in that regard, because they taught organization techniques to the students and there was a lot of one-on-one teacher/student interaction.

We have not had personal experience with Orinda Academy, but two of my friends sent their children there and quickly removed them when they found that the school did not seem to know that their kids were leaving campus during the day and getting into all kinds of trouble.

Good luck with your school search. In hindsight I will say, don't worry about your daughter being in the perfect school. As long as she can get the attention she needs from the teachers and can meet some friendly kids, she will be OK. If you're looking for a small school environment, good teacher support and communication, confidence building for students and really important school feedback for both students and parents Orinda Academy is a good choice. You should visit and talk with students and faculty. It's a few blocks from BART in Orinda so is good for many students from Oakland/Berkeley who take Bart. We've especially appreciated, as parents, a progress update every 2-3 weeks that each student gets. It's really helped our daughter stay focused and those that are falling behind know quickly. The report is emailed to parents as well. It's been good for building our daughter's confidence in many ways. Thanks. Orinda Academy Parent

Sept 2010

Does ANYONE know of some really good schools for teens with SID and/or high functioning autism, in sf bay area, esp east bay, and near Richmond would be greatest! Need to accept substance abuse background and accredited would be best. Son already 16.5-I'm desperate! THKS!-Amy amy My son has Asperger's Symdrome and did very well at Children's Learning Center (CLC) in Alameda. He successfully transitioned to Alameda High School and I found them very supportive. If your son needs a specialized school, call CLC at (510)769-7100. If he can handle a regular high school with support, call the Alameda School District Special Ed at (510) 748-4012. Feel free to email me if you have any questions. Nancy I suggest you look at Saint Joseph Notre Dame in Alameda, a Catholic High School. One of their hallmarks is diversity, which includes students with learning differences such as Aspergers. Your teen need not be Catholic, Christian or even a believer to apply. My son, diagnosed with Aspergers (now High Functioning Autism due to the DSM change) was a self-professed atheist when he enrolled as a Freshman. Our son was welcomed and included by the staff and students from day one. The school is small, with three full time counselors and one part time special needs counselor, and has been very supportive during some bumpy academic and social rides. The tuition is affordable, more so than other private high schools, and worth every penny. There is financial aid available. Our kids also like the school's setting, on a tree lined street in a residential area but with the Alameda Free Library (open until evening) and shops within walking distance.

As a furtherance to socialization, your teen would also have many opportunities to become involved in after school activities in performance arts and sports. My son participates in the Cross Country Team. Our daughter performed in a play and a musical in her Freshman year. The school's website is SJND. org. Google SJND Diversity to find the pdf of their 2008 Annual Report titled ''Embracing Diversity''. Feel free to contact me with questions. Barbara

April 2010

My 15Y son might have mild asperger, will be tested this month. He is depressed and socially anxious. He is extremely difficulty going to school. In the past, I have tried to enroll him to a private school for independent learners. He responded well for the 1st semester, but lately he even feels anxious and reluctant going to that school. Considering there is not much social activity and help when he is absent, I enroll him to the public school under IEP. There are 8

9 students in that class with 4-6 therapist/teacher. He is not willing to go there either and feel terrified and anxious. We do work with doctors on his issues and he takes meds too. This public school is suggesting home hospital which teachers come to our home. I don't like this idea, since this just make my son feels more isolate at home. But I don't know other approach.

He is very bright, and had good grade all along. But now he doesn't have motivation. All he does is to sleep until noon, watch TV at night, no exercise at all. He does participate family activity even though reluctantly. Someone recommended me therapeutic boarding school. I would like to hear your experience to see whether I should plan for this. Also if you have any idea how I can request school service to deal with school avoidance, please let me know. worried mom Nancy Chin is very good with children and teens who have asperger. She has done wonders with a child that my son went to elementary and middle school with. This boy who really had few social skills and had trouble fitting in is now a happy, motivated high school student. I highly recommend you call her at 925-299-1069. http://www. stepbystep4success. com/ Nancy-Can-Help Hello! I work for an educational consulting firm called the Bodin Group. Our expertise is school placement, local and boarding, for young people who need specialized learning or therapeutic enviroments. We also provide assessment and other services. If you would like to learn more, please contact us for a free consultation/information gathering call or meeting. The same thing happened with my teen daughter. 1) First call Berkeley's Disability Rights Education and Defense Fund (DREDF) to learn your son's legal rights and develop a strategy for meeting them. 2) Tell the school's guidance counselor or principal, ''My child has an educational disability: an emotional disturbance''. Use those specific terms; the jargon alerts the staff to what is needed. The school will do a psychoeducational evaluation at their expense. 2) Also have an adolescent psychiatrist evaluate him. The MDs at Herrick Hospital's adolescent psych unit in Berkeley recommended Dr. Richard Pollack (925-945-1355). He charged $1400 up front; our insurance reimbursed $800. It would have been worth it even if we had to pay the full price. 3) An emotional disturbance is one of the qualifying conditions for an IEP, an Individual Education Plan, which entitles your child to specific Federal protections and services. Ask the school staff to set it up. 4) Learn about the signs a depressed teen may be considering suicide, and ask your son openly whether he's thinking of hurting himself. If he says yes, keep him within eyesight all the time until you reach help. 5) Learn now how to get emergency medical help if your child had suicidal thinking. In Alameda County, take your child to the ER at Alta Bates in Berkeley. Don't take him to Children's Hospital; a nurse there told me they don't evaluate kids over 12 for psych admission. (I'm not sure this is accurate). You may have to wait several hours to be seen if your child is not acting out acutely and more urgent emergencies (like heart attacks or accidents) need attention first. Take something to read. 6) If the MD judges him at immediate risk for hurting himself or others, he will declare your son a ''5150'', meaning he needs a 72-hour legal hold for evaluation. This will be done on Herrick's adolescent psych unit, the regional teen psych facility, which is outstanding. Your son will go by ambulance for his own safety. You can't ride with him, which sucks, but you can see him again at Herrick. 6) This is a lot of info to absorb. It's scary to have a child this depressed; know that you will be doing the right things to help your son. Best wishes to you and him. Nancy Gosh, This email could have been written by me. My son is 14.5 years, academically bright, is not doing well in his current school environment, is anxious about going to school, kids pick on him there and he feels ''uncool''. He sleeps late, has a hard time waking up, grades have slipped, and all he wants to do is watch TV or play video games. As per the boarding school - I researched them all - 1) All the schools which are open to Aspergers are on the East Coast. 2) The really awesome one specifically for Aspergers (I forget the name) has an annual tution of $73,000.

However, the 4 local options are: Springstone School in Lafayette, Bay Hill High School in Oakland, Holden High School in Orinda and Orion Academy in Moraga.

You may be aware of all these places, however, please feel free to contact me directly if you have any more questions.

Wishing you the best. I know EXACTLY what you are going through. anon You can have your son assessed for autism, PDD-NOS at the Regional Center of the East Bay. If he qualifies for services you will have case management and service coordination. Offices are in both Alameda and Contra Costa County. Good luck. Carol I don't know about boarding schools, but if you're interested in checking out a small private high school for kids with learning differences look at Bayhill HS in Oakland. Our son was struggling in ways similar to yours and the change has been dramatic. He still has his issues and difficulties but the staff has been wonderful in helping him do his best. Also, once you get a diagnosis, call the Regional Center of the East Bay to ask for an evaluation. If they find your son eligible, there are behavior specialists who can come to your home and help with some of the difficult behaviors. Mom of teen with Asperger's Syndrome Sorry, I don't have advice on particular boarding schools, but I wanted to respond to the post from Bodin associates about their placement and assessment services. A few years ago we paid for their services for my daughter, on the advice of her psychiatrist. I felt they had a very limited perspective on alternatives. Most of the programs they suggested were really designed for teens out of control, not for teens with depression, motivation, and more subtle social interaction problems. When I indicated I did not see the programs they were suggesting as a good fit for my daughter (whom I would have described at the time as depressed, and with nonverbal learning disability issues), the reaction of our consultant was that she guessed we were just not ready to take these steps. She had little to offer that did not involve what seemed to me quite extreme situations that in our assessment could have been a disaster for our daughter. The service was expensive, and may well be worthwhile for out of control kids, but for us it was an expense we could well have saved. Not a Bodin fan I saw the response about Bodin and wanted to offer one other suggestion. We used McClure, Mallory and Baron to help us find a school for an ADHD (inattentive type) teen. Amanda Mallory helped us find a boarding school that worked for him. While they do offer theraputic placement help, they also have lots of experience finding schools that work for a wide range of student needs. They are in SF. www. mmbedu. com

There are also directories of boarding schools. You can find something that sounds interesting and then research on your own. Some of the families at my child's boarding school found it that way. Schools will provide references. I got names of several current and past parents and called them all. Good luck. anon We also found consultants (we used McClure, Mallory, and Barron) unhelpful in a similar case. They made very strong recommendations for wilderness followed by schools that felt inappropriate, and against the school my gut told me was right. We felt guilt tripped -- told we were in denial, falling into the same bad habits that supposedly got us where we were, etc. even though the wilderness program director agreed that it wouldn't be a match. The process wasted time and money and confused my son. It seemed oriented towards teens who need to be separated from a detrimental peer group, have problems with substance abuse, etc. and not more complex or subtle profiles, such as my son's anxiety and learning disabilities. We went with our gut feeling, and our son flourished. It was a residential program back east that helps with emotional, social, and learning issues. At home he had failed in two private schools, refused school, and became socially isolated. He had been diagnosed with ''atypical'' Asperger's or high functioning autism, and schools talked of defiance or even megalomania. That was all wrong -- learning disabilities (masked by high IQ) kept him from doing the work until he had effective remediation, and anxiety made him withdraw, which fooled some professionals into thinking he had social skills issues.

When we told him he'd be schooled at home as long as it took to find the right school -- home study wasn't a permanent solution -- he became more cooperative and optimistic than we expected. Being in a supportive, structured residential situation was a big relief to him. Success, academic and social, turned things around. It was a very hard decision to send him away, but our relationship became so much better! But it was very expensive, and it's nearly impossible to get funding through a school district. Another problem with going away, is that we didn't have continued support when he returned -- but he left because we didn't have it here to begin with.

My information is a few years old, but have you looked into Glenholme School in CT or The Learning Clinic in Brooklyn, CT or Brehm School in Carbondale, IL? Those admissions directors are well connected, and you can ask them if there are other schools you should consider. wishing you the best

June 2009

I'm looking for information about Orion Academy and Orinda Academy. My daughter has very mild aspergers, and we are worried about her placement at a high school for typical kids. We want her to have a good social environment during the high school years where she can make friends. Can anyone tell me if Orion Academy students have mild aspergers, or are the students more severely affected? Also, we have been told Orinda Academy would be a good place for her, but I'm worried that the students don't have special needs, and she won't have friends there. Please advise if you have experience with either school. Thanks. aspie mom Orinda Academy has many students with a variety of special needs, including Asperger's, and caters to them with small classes, lots of individual attention, careful academic monitoring, and efforts to build a supportive, accepting community. The school just doesn't like to position itself as a special needs school. This baffles some of its parents and pleases others. Visit for a day. Summer school starts soon, if it's not already in session. Summer school is a little different from the regular academic year, and gets a somewhat wider spectrum of students, but visiting now will still introduce you to many of the teachers and several of the regular students who are either making up missed work or getting ahead, and the general style of the place. If you like it, your daughter can visit for a day, too, and can shadow a current student. The administration can connect you with some of the Parent Group Board members, to answer specific questions from a parent's point of view. - Happy OA parent of successful LD kid My son is at Orinda Academy and we couldn't be happier with the school. The philosophy of the school is that the very small classes and quick feedback make it possible to accommodate different learning styles while not in any way compromising a pre-college curriculum.

As for your daughter's mild asberger's, my advice would be to go to the school and ask for an interview with the head of the school, Ron Graydon. He is an extremely principled person who is not going to tell you that the school is right for her unless it is. I feel absolutely sure about this. He is very experienced and wise in terms of not only educational issues, but interpersonal dynamics amongst teens. P Has your daughter visited either of the schools you're looking into? Our child's visit at Orion and the impressions shared with us told us a lot. I think that many students find a respite from teasing and bullying there and find it easier to make friends, but it's hard to say how an individual will fit in without trying it. The director's book will give you a good idea about the school's approaches and program. If you'd like to chat with us about our experience with Orion, you can contact me at yahoo. com. another parent There was a post about Orinda Academy in the last 'parents of teens' newsletter (see 'Happy OA parent of successful LD kid') in which the writers said the school has many sudents with a variety of special needs, including Aspergers. I am a member of the parent group board and have run this post by the director of the school, Ron Graydon. Ron mentions that in the entire school there is only 1 student with very mild Aspergers, and that well-meaning posts like this one misrepresent the school's mission and student body. If your daughter is looking for a special needs school that specifically addresses Asperger's students you might consider Orion Academy in Moraga, or Springstone School in Lafayette. For a special needs education (not specifically Aspergers) you might try Sterne School in San Francisco or Star Academy in San Rafael (SA caters for grades 1 through 10). Orinda Academy provides an excellent, inclusive college prep environment for a diverse range of students, and it strives very well to accommodate moderate learning style differences and to provide a positive and supportive culture where all students can work to their potential. It has been hugely successful for our son, who is very bright but has focus issues. I want to offer a suggestion to the parent looking at Orinda academy for their child with mild AS. I think that it is very important to the administration to protect their school from having a reputation for having LD children and the response from the director reflects that. It is not however in my opinion (as the parent of a child attending Orinda) that it was a typo. Orion is better suited for child with severe LD issues. Orinda could be an excellent choice for milder LD issues. It would depend on the issues your child faces. It is very small and most of the children have some type of concern that brings them to the school. The teachers are caring and available to work out individualized learning plans that can maximize your childC",b"s success. I think it is an excellent option that should be considered. I'm sorry that the administration shies away from acknowledging that. Been there parent Another school in the Bay Area that serves students with special needs is Bayhill High School across from Lake Merritt in Oakland. The majority of Bayhill's students have learning differences but many students have social skills challenges, including mild Asperger's syndrome. Bayhill High School would be a less restrictive setting than Orion because there is more of a range of social profiles from very socially adept to Aspergers and NLD students. Bayhill has special education teachers, small classes, a multi-sensory approach to instruction, social skills groups and speech and language therapy, as well as a very positive and supportive school climate. If you would like to learn more, contact (510)268-1500. Rachel As an MD and parent of two teens, one with mild LD, one without; one currently in Berkeley High School. one who went to a competitive private high school and is now a junior at an Ivy League college, I wanted to respond both to the HS for ''mild AS'' question and the private vs public HS, because I think there are some key principles here:

1) knowing your child and what they need for both support and appropriate challenges (and helping them recognize and advocate what they need for themselves)

2) recognizing that our understanding of LD/ADHD/AS/ASD is primitive; that diagnostic labels are imprecise shorthands for complex individuals who have a wide spectrum of specific difficulties and strengths, which also vary from quite mild (and occasionally overdiagnosed) to profoundly challenging.

So our child with LD/AS feels great about doing well academically at Berkeley High School. He has done well in part because of the study skills and routines he learned at his private elementary and middle school; in part, he has been in one of the small school programs and has had excellent responsive teachers--as good as most of those we have had in private schools. BHS has been accepting and even welcoming of his social eccentricities.

We expect we will be utilizing tutoring help in the future, and he has done pragmatic speech groups for social skills work. We looked at Orinda Academy, which I think would have been excellent for him, but he felt he did not need that level of structure--so far, he seems to be correct. But for other teens, Bayhill or Orion may be the environment in which they can thrive and learn.

Our experience of private schools has been positive--but far from ''real world''--of course there are great kids, families, opportunities--but the one overwhelming impression that sticks with me is--too much money and consumerism. Our older son felt underprivileged (FAR from true) when he wasn't spending spring break in Barbados. Of course your family is the primary determinant of culture--but I was troubled by the peer messages. even more true in private colleges--the amount of spending money many kids have is striking. And in retrospect, I'm sure our older son would have done just fine in public high school with good AP classes. learning as we go. There is another wonderful school in Alameda, Children's Learning Center. C. L.C. has 2 campuses, one for grade school and the other for middle school and high school. C. L.C. provides are a small, warm, school environment with a thoughtful sensitive behavioral system, which encourages/supports students to grow and stretch. The classes are very small. The teacher's are amazing. The staff stays for years and years because it is such a supportive learning environment. There are spot on for academics. They work on supporting and learning social thinking (speech pragmatics, social skills). CLC provides a behavioral piece and services are a bit more intensive as I understand it than Bayhill. So, it is for a child or adolescent that needs a bit more structure and support. CLC has sports teams, cheerleading, and the best talent show. The info is: Children's Learning Center,1910 Central Avenue, Alameda, CA. 94501, phone 510-769-7100. Wishing you the best in your search. Parent of teen at C. L.C.

Nov 2008

I am moving back to the Bay Area and need to find the very best high school in the area for my 16 year old son who has mild autism and needs some support. Any suggestions as to which district/high school is best? Thanks so much. If you're looking for a public high school, my son, who has Asperger's, did very well at Alameda High in the city of Alameda. The Special Ed team was very well organized and extremely supportive. They were also very good at getting in contact with me when there were issues, such as late homework. I highly recommend them. Nancy

October 2002

We are looking for other parents of children with high functioning autism, Asperger's syndrome or similar non-verbal learning disorders. We are having great trouble finding an appropriate school for our boy. He is 15 and very very bright, but has sensory integration problems and a list of other things that make it impossible for him to survive (let alone thrive) in the public schools. This is a common problem among high functioning kids on the spectrum. Many can't function in the large, noisy, ''full inclusion'' setting for behavioural, language processing, and sensory reasons, but the smaller, ''special day classes'' are geared to students on a cognitively low level and so are equally pointless. There is supposed to be an epidemic of autism out there, and we KNOW there must be other families stuck in similar situations. Where are the good schools for these remarkable young people? They can grow up to make enormous contributions to society, and to make their way in the world. But they need the right educational setting, social skills training, and lots of attention. Can't we get together and form a school, or help the school districts form an appropriate school? At least we could share ideas. Please write to me. Tobie Recommendations received:

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Friday, February 15, 2013

The Advantage of Dating After 30

Two women step out of their front doors on a Friday night in New York City. It is the middle of winter and a light snow is just starting to fall. Both women are dressed up and heading out to meet with their respective friends for some drinks. One woman is 23 years old and the other is 32. Both are single and want little more than to ultimately find true love.

The 23-year-old has had one serious boyfriend in her life. She slept with him during all of the 3 years they dated, until he broke up with her soon after they graduated from college. She recently had an exciting night of sex with a guy she met in a bar who was incredibly attractive. He had seemed interested in her - he was even affectionate in bed; but now he isn't calling. In the back of her mind she knows there will be attractive men out tonight, and she is hoping to eventually meet someone she can date seriously. However, she hasn't thought too much beyond the evening and maybe the start of a relationship. Right now, the excitement and nervousness of going to a high-end nightclub for the first time occupies her mind, as she grew up and went to college in the rural South where all they had were a few dive bars.

The 32-year-old has had five "official" boyfriends in her life. She's slept with eight men - four were her boyfriends and two were guys she was "just dating." They seemed interested but faded away after sex. The other two were drunken one-night stands during college, before she knew better - or more accurately, when she learned better. She is growing more and more self-conscious and concerned about the fact that she is still single in her thirties. While she knows she was probably too immature to get married previously, she also knows that her friends and extended family have started raising eyebrows. However, in the past two years she's really started to see trends and mistakes in her dating history, and she encountered a few ideas in books and online, and these have really changed her outlook. She knows now what she did wrong before. While she knows Manhattan is a horrible place for a single girl to live. she hasn't lost hope yet.

As the 23-year-old gets out of her cab in front of the nightclub where she'll meet her friends, the sharp cold bites at her face. It excites her because she only recently moved north, and this is the first time she's gone out to party in the snow. Stepping out onto the busy Manhattan sidewalk wearing high heels and her her new coat, she feels like she is on the set of Sex and The City, or one of her favorite romantic comedies. If she is honest with herself, she sort of expects to meet a guy in New York. though she definitely isn't ready to get married. She has a career and other aspirations to meet before she is ready to settle down.

As the 32-year-old gets out of the cab in front of the lounge where she'll meet her friends, the sharp cold bites at her face. It reminds her of the time three years ago when she first met her ex boyfriend. It was snowing then, too. She'd seen him looking at her earlier across the bar she was at with her friends, but he didn't approach. Then, by fate (she knows now it was just coincidence), they had both walked out of a bar at the same time (closing time). She'd been a little tipsy and given in when her girlfriends pressured her to go ask him for his number. It had felt a bit strange to do it, but in the end they dated for eight months, so for a while she thought it was the right move - at least until he dumped her for a girl who he said was more "his type ."

The 23-year-old meets her girlfriends, who are waiting in a big crowd at the velvet rope outside the nightclub. The single question that consumes her mind is whether or not she is hot enough to be let inside. She starts to feel nervous. She knows she is hot, but the other girls waiting to get in look like supermodels. But as the bouncer lifts the rope and chooses her and her friends before all the others, her excitement and ego both skyrocket. "I love nightclubs already" she thinks to herself, as she looks over her shoulder and sees the other girls outside in the cold, watching with jealously as she walks through the door. She feels sorry for the few girls who were clearly older than the others - probably over 30 ; they definitely aren't getting in.

The 32-year-old meets her two girlfriends at an upscale lounge that they've come to like, mostly because it is never too loud and has a good layout, conducive to meeting new people. It doesn't hurt that the men who go there are generally older professionals, men who have their shit together and don't drink until they fall down. They pick a good spot at the bar and order a drink. They've arrived early so the crowd is still a bit sparse, but this gives them time to actually hang out and talk before anyone else arrives and they get involved in other conversations. As the 32-year-old orders her drink, she chats with the bartender for a bit, because she knows that even a brief conversation with a stranger (male or female) will get her into a more social mood, which might help later if any men want to talk to her. She learned that trick when she first moved to the city and sometimes went out alone. In fact, she'd met one of the girls she was with tonight that way.

The 23-year-old is amazed by the decor and energy inside the club - she's never seen anything like it. She feels like a celebrity, surrounded by the dancers, the music, the lights, the men - the men! Through the heavy club atmosphere she sees them and wonders who these guys are. standing on couches, dancing with beautiful women and drinking expensive champagne by the bottle. Some of them look like they might be famous but she isn't sure. Almost all of the men are drunk already. A guy standing next to her, who looks a bit out-of-place in his simplicity (though he is fairly attractive), raises his voice to ask her what she thinks about the DJ tonight, adding that he would prefer more popular music, but overall he was quite good. "He is good" she says without making eye contact, but she turns away immediately. "What a stupid question," she thinks to herself (though if she is honest, she also admits that she didn't really know what to say in response). She wonders how she can get an invite to drink at one of the tables.

The 32-year-old returns to her friends after her conversation with the bartender to find that a tall, very stylish and attractive man was asking her friends if they could introduce him to her. Her friends oblige, and he immediately isolates her from the group. This screams "predator" to her, but she knows that not all men have great game. so she doesn't bail yet. They talk for a few minutes, but the 32-year-old is further turned off by his constant smirk and the way he keeps touching her arm. She's met men like this before - in fact, one of her ex boyfriends approached her with the same cocky, sexual demeanor. They dated for about a year, but that transparent facade of pseudo-confidence remained throughout the relationship. She eventually dumped him and now considers the whole year wasted - at least from a dating perspective. When the arm-touching becomes a little too much to handle, she tells him it was nice to meet him and politely excuses herself to use the restroom.

The 23-year old and her friends are approached by a bouncer who invites them to drink with "some gentlemen at the VIP table." They gladly agree, and follow the bouncer as he ushers them through the crowd like celebrities. The "gentlemen" welcome them with free shots of a vodka, which looks like it is top-shelf (she gets a glimpse of the label; it is called Stolichayna or Stolishnaya - something like that. It looks so exotic - Russian, she thinks.) The 23-year-old takes a liking to the only guy at the table dressed in a suit; he is very good-looking and seems to be the leader, even though she guesses he is only 24 or 25. She is sure that she can have him because she knows she is hotter than her friends. By now she is getting fairly drunk and they start to dance. After several minutes his hands are holding her waist (she loves that feeling) and they kiss. He sits down with her to "take a break from dancing" and they start to make out on the couch. The music and alcohol drown out everything else and she is lost in the moment.

The 32-year-old returns from the bathroom. Her two friends are now talking to a group of three guys, one of whom is listening more than participating. She can tell from his posture that is isn't shy or socially awkward - but rather patient. This interests her. She intentionally positions herself right next to him as she re-joins the group. He introduces himself and they start to make small talk. She wouldn't have picked him out from the crowd for his looks, but his understated and confident demeanor is confirmed and grows on her as they talk. A couple times he mentions things in passing that really spike her interest. She would stop him and ask him to elaborate but she is also interested in what he is telling her at the moment. He is clearly experienced and intelligent, and she judges that he is probably at least in his mid-thirties. Although he is older, she's learned over time that this is better than the opposite. At one point it crosses her mind how glad she is to be in a venue where she can hear him clearly. Conversations like this were always impossible in the nightclubs she used to go to in her twenties. Their conversational chemistry is great, and they continue talking for almost two hours.

The 23-year-old is hammered by the time the lights come on at closing time, and she considers herself the luckiest girl in the club because of the guy she "picked up." He invites her back to his hotel room to "keep the party going." Despite her drunkenness, she hesitates. She knows she doesn't want to sleep with him - she remembers how that turned out last time. But she agrees to go anyway, reasoning to herself that she can always tell him no later. As he takes her hand and leads her out of the club and into a taxi, she catches a glimpse of the out-of-place guy who'd asked her about the DJ at the beginning of the night. He has a strangely smug look on his face as she trips into the cab with the guy in the suit. It occurs to her as they pull away in the taxi that the suited guy still hasn't asked for her name.

The 32-year-old is still talking to the quiet-but-confident guy when she realizes it is already a few minutes past midnight. Normally she leaves bars by 11 pm. but she really wasn't paying close attention to the time tonight. She tells him that she really needs to get home so that she can get up at a reasonable hour for her workout. He asks her for her name and then her phone number. She knows this drill; she'd been through it probably a hundred times before, but her gauge of personalities has gotten better and better over the years. She has a pretty good feeling about this guy, so she decides to give him her last name too. He suggests that they should meet up next week sometime for coffee. They say goodnight and go their separate ways. As she walks out the door, she catches a glimpse of the cocky. stylish guy that had approached her earlier. He had obviously been watching in confused surprise as she gave the less-attractive guy her number. "Filtered him out." she thought as she smiled to herself and slipped out the front door and into a passing cab. "Wouldn't have done that ten years ago. "