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Speed dating
Speed dating is a formalized matchmaking process or dating system whose purpose is to encourage people to meet a large number of new people. Its origins are credited to Rabbi Yaacov Deyo of Aish HaTorah. originally as a way to help Jewish singles meet and marry. [ 1 ] [ 2 ] [ 3 ] SpeedDating . as a single word, is a registered trademark of Aish HaTorah. Speed dating . as two separate words, is often used as a generic term for similar events.
Contents
Organization [ edit ]
Usually advance registration is required for speed dating events. Men and women are rotated to meet each other over a series of short "dates" usually lasting from three to eight minutes depending on the organization running the event. At the end of each interval, the organizer rings a bell, clinks a glass, or blows a whistle to signal the participants to move on to the next date. At the end of the event participants submit to the organizers a list of who they would like to provide their contact information to. If there is a match, contact information is forwarded to both parties. Contact information cannot be traded during the initial meeting, in order to reduce pressure to accept or reject a suitor to his or her face.
There are many speed dating events now in the United Kingdom. Canada. and the United States. Requirements for each event vary with the organizer. Specific age range based on gender is a common restriction for events. Many speed dating events are targeted at particular communities: for example, LGBT people, polyamorists. [ 4 ] Christians. [ 5 ] Graduate student speed dating events are common. [ 6 ]
Practice [ edit ]
Some feel that speed dating has some obvious advantages over most other venues for meeting people, such as bars, discotheques. etc. in that everybody is purportedly there to meet someone, they are grouped into compatible age ranges, it is time-efficient, and the structured interaction eliminates the need to introduce oneself. Unlike many bars, a speed dating event will, by necessity, be quiet enough for people to talk comfortably. Speed dating is for singles.
Participants can come alone without feeling out of place; alternatively it is something that women who like to go out in groups can do together. [ 7 ]
Because the matching itself happens after the event, people do not feel pressured to select or reject each other in person. On the other hand, feedback and gratification are delayed as participants must wait a day or two for their results to come in.
The time limit ensures that a participant will not be stuck with a boorish match for very long, and prevents participants from monopolizing one another's time. On the other hand, a couple that decides they are incompatible early on will have to sit together for the duration of the round.
Most speed dating events match people at random, and participants will meet different "types" that they might not normally talk to in a club. On the other hand, the random matching precludes the various cues, such as eye contact, that people use in bars to preselect each other before chatting them up.
Online speed dating [ edit ]
Several online dating services offer online speed dating where users meet online for video, audio or text chats. The advantage of online speed dating is that users can go on dates from home as it can be done from any internet enabled computer. The disadvantage is people do not actually meet one another.
Scientific research [ edit ]
There have been several studies of the round-robin dating systems themselves, as well as studies of interpersonal attraction that are relevant to these events. Other studies found speed-dating data useful as a way to observe individual choices among random participants.
First impressions [ edit ]
A 2005 study at the University of Pennsylvania of multiple HurryDate speed dating events found that most people made their choices within the first three seconds of meeting. Furthermore, issues such as religion, previous marriages, and smoking habits were found to play much less of a role than expected. [ 8 ] [ 9 ]
A 2006 study in Edinburgh, Scotland showed that 45% of the women participants in a speed-dating event and 22% of the men had come to a decision within the first 30 seconds. It also found that dialogue concerning travel resulted in more matches than dialogue about films. [ 10 ]
In a 2012 study, researchers found that activation of specific brain regions while viewing images of opposite-sex speed dating participants was predictive of whether or not a participant would later pursue or reject the viewed participants at an actual speed dating event. Men and women made decisions in a similar manner which incorporated the physical attractiveness and likability of the viewed participants in their evaluation. [ 11 ]
Subconscious preferences [ edit ]
Malcolm Gladwell 's book on split-second decision making, Blink , introduces two professors at Columbia University who run speed-dating events. Drs. Sheena Iyengar and Raymond Fisman found, from having the participants fill out questionnaires, that what people said they wanted in an ideal mate did not match their subconscious preferences. [ 12 ] [ 13 ]
Olfaction and the MHC [ edit ]
A 1995 study at the University of Bern showed that women appear to be attracted to the smell of men who have different MHC profiles from their own, and that oral contraceptives reversed this effect. [ 14 ]
The MHC is a region of the human genome involved with immune function. Because parents with more diverse MHC profiles would be expected to produce offspring with stronger immune systems. dissimilar MHC may play a role in sexual selection.
A speed "date" lasting several minutes should be long enough for the MHC hypothesis to come into play, provided the participants are seated close enough together. [ citation needed ]
Olfaction and pheromones [ edit ]
The TV newsmagazine 20/20 once sent both a male and a female set of twins to a speed dating event. One of each set was wearing pheromones. and the ones wearing pheromones received more matches. [ 15 ]
Age and height preference [ edit ]
A 2006 study by Michele Belot and Marco Francesconi into the relative effects of preference versus opportunity in mate selection showed, while concluding that opportunity was more important than preference, that a woman's age is the single most important factor determining demand by men. [ 16 ] Although less important than it is to men, age is still a highly significant factor determining demand by women.
The same study found that a man's height had a significant impact upon his desirability, with a reduction in height causing a decrease in desirability at the rate of 5% per inch.
Selectivity [ edit ]
Studies of speed dating events generally show more selectivity among women than among men. For instance, the Penn study reported that the average man was chosen by 34% of the women and the average woman was chosen by 49% of the men. [ 8 ] New studies suggest that the selectivity is based on which gender is seated and which is rotating. This new study showed that when men were seated and the women rotated, the men were more selective. [ 17 ]
Spin-offs [ edit ]
The popularity or charm of speed dating has led to at least one offspring: Speed Networking. A structured way of running business networking events with the goal of making meeting potential business contacts easier and more productive. Some speed dating companies have now started offering free speed dating where you do not pay unless you meet somebody you like.
Business speed dating has also been used in China as a way for business people to meet each other and to decide if they have similar business objectives and synergies. [ citation needed ] Speed dating offers participating investors and companies an opportunity to have focused private meetings with targeted groups in a compact time frame.
WHO'S ON FIRST?
A RELATIVE DATING ACTIVITY
MARSHA BARBER and DIANA SCHEIDLE BARTOS
INTRODUCTION
PALEONTOLOGY, AND in particular the study of dinosaurs, is an exciting topic to people of all ages. Although most attention in today's world focuses on dinosaurs and why they became extinct, the world of paleontology includes many other interesting organisms which tell us about Earth's past history. The study of fossils and the exploration of what they tell scientists about past climates and environments on Earth can be an interesting study for students of all ages.
Teaching about Earth's history is a challenge for all teachers. Time factors of millions and billions of years is difficult even for adults to comprehend. However, "relative" dating or time can be an easy concept for students to learn.
In this activity, students begin a sequencing activity with familiar items — letters written on cards. Once they are able to manipulate the cards into the correct sequence, they are asked to do a similar sequencing activity using fossil pictures printed on "rock layer" cards. Sequencing the rock layers will show students how paleontologists use fossils to give relative dates to rock strata.
Once students begin to grasp "relative" dating, they can extend their knowledge of geologic time by exploring radiometric dating and developing a timeline of Earth's history. These major concepts are part of the Denver Earth Science Project's "Paleontology and Dinosaurs" module written for students in grades 7-10. The module is an integrated unit which addresses the following National Science Education Standards:
*Science as Inquiry: Students develop the abilities necessary to do scientific inquiry — identify questions, design and conduct scientific investigations, use appropriate tools and technologies to gather, analyze and interpret data, think critically and logically to make the relationships between evidence and explanations, communicate results, and use mathematics in all aspects of scientific inquiry. *Life Science: Fossils indicate that many organisms that lived long ago are extinct. Extinction of species is common; most of the species that have lived on the earth no longer exist. *Earth and Space Science: Fossils provide important evidence of how life and environmental conditions have changed.
The complete "Paleontology and Dinosaurs" module takes approximately four weeks to teach. The "Who's On First?" activity is a 30-minute introduction to geologic time.
WHO'S ON FIRST? RELATIVE DATING (Student Activity)
INTRODUCTION
Scientists have good evidence that the earth is very old, approximately four and one-half billion years old. Scientific measurements such as radiometric dating use the natural radioactivity of certain elements found in rocks to help determine their age. Scientists also use direct evidence from observations of the rock layers themselves to help determine the relative age of rock layers. Specific rock formations are indicative of a particular type of environment existing when the rock was being formed. For example, most limestones represent marine environments, whereas, sandstones with ripple marks might indicate a shoreline habitat or a riverbed.
The study and comparison of exposed rock layers or strata in various parts of the earth led scientists in the early 19th century to propose that the rock layers could be correlated from place to place. Locally, physical characteristics of rocks can be compared and correlated. On a larger scale, even between continents, fossil evidence can help in correlating rock layers. The Law of Superposition, which states that in an undisturbed horizontal sequence of rocks, the oldest rock layers will be on the bottom, with successively younger rocks on top of these, helps geologists correlate rock layers around the world. This also means that fossils found in the lowest levels in a sequence of layered rocks represent the oldest record of life there. By matching partial sequences, the truly oldest layers with fossils can be worked out.
By correlating fossils from various parts of the world, scientists are able to give relative ages to particular strata. This is called relative dating. Relative dating tells scientists if a rock layer is "older" or "younger" than another. This would also mean that fossils found in the deepest layer of rocks in an area would represent the oldest forms of life in that particular rock formation. In reading earth history, these layers would be "read" from bottom to top or oldest to most recent. If certain fossils are typically found only in a particular rock unit and are found in many places worldwide, they may be useful as index or guide fossils in determining the age of undated strata. By using this information from rock formations in various parts of the world and correlating the studies, scientists have been able to establish the geologic time scale. This relative time scale divides the vast amount of earth history into various sections based on geological events (sea encroachments, mountain-building, and depositional events), and notable biological events (appearance, relative abundance, or extinction of certain life forms).
Objectives: When you complete this activity, you will be able to: (1) sequence information using items which overlap specific sets; (2) relate sequencing to the Law of Superposition; and (3) show how fossils can be used to give relative dates to rock layers.
Materials: two sets of sequence cards in random order (set A. nonsense syllables; set B. sketches of fossils), pencil, paper
Procedure Set A:
1) Spread the cards with the nonsense syllables on the table and determine the correct sequence of the eight cards by comparing letters that are common to individual cards and, therefore, overlap. The first card in the sequence has "Card 1, Set A" in the lower left-hand corner and represents the bottom of the sequence. If the letters "T" and "C" represent fossils in the oldest rock layer, they are the oldest fossils, or the first fossils formed in the past for this sequence of rock layers.
2. Now, look for a card that has either a "T" or "C" written on it. Since this card has a common letter with the first card, it must go on top of the "TC" card. The fossils represented by the letters on this card are "younger" than the "T" or "C" fossils on the "TC" card which represents fossils in the oldest rock layer. Sequence the remaining cards by using the same process. When you finish, you should have a vertical stack of cards with the top card representing the youngest fossils of this rock sequence and the "TC" card at the bottom of the stack representing the oldest fossils.
Interpretation Questions:
1) After you have arranged the cards in order, write your sequence of letters (using each letter only once) on a separate piece of paper. Starting with the top card, the letters should be in order from youngest to oldest.
2) How do you know that "X" is older than "M"?
3) Explain why "D" in the rock layer represented by DM is the same age as "M."
4) Explain why "D" in the rock layer represented by OXD is older than "D" in the rock layer represented by DM.
Procedure Set B:
1) Carefully examine the second set of cards which have sketches of fossils on them. Each card represents a particular rock layer with a collection of fossils that are found in that particular rock stratum. All of the fossils represented would be found in sedimentary rocks of marine origin. Figure 2-A gives some background information on the individual fossils.
2) The oldest rock layer is marked with the letter "M" in the lower left-hand corner. The letters on the other cards have no significance to the sequencing procedure and should be ignored at this time. Find a rock layer that has at least one of the fossils you found in the oldest rock layer. This rock layer would be younger as indicated by the appearance of new fossils in the rock stratum. Keep in mind that extinction is forever. Once an organism disappears from the sequence it cannot reappear later. Use this information to sequence the cards in a vertical stack of fossils in rock strata. Arrange them from oldest to youngest with the oldest layer on the bottom and the youngest on top.
Interpretation Questions:
1) Using the letters printed in the lower left-hand corner of each card, write the sequence of letters from the youngest layer to the oldest layer (i. e. from the top of the vertical stack to the bottom). This will enable your teacher to quickly check whether you have the correct sequence.
2) Which fossil organisms could possibly be used as index fossils?
3) Name three organisms represented that probably could not be used as index fossils and explain why.
4) In what kinds of rocks might you find the fossils from this activity?
5) State the Law of Superposition and explain how this activity illustrates this law.
Figure 2-A. Sketches of Marine Fossil Organisms (Not to Scale)
Dating Older Guys: Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Them, And Weren't At All Afraid To Ask
One of the most frequent Just Wondering questions we get here at Rookie is some variation on the following: “I’m a teenager and I’m thinking about dating/am intensely attracted to a person who’s significantly older than me. THOUGHTS?”
Well, as someone who not only has always been interested in older dudes, but has also dated quite a few of them, I have some things to say about your situation, question-askers. When I was 15, I was dating a 28-year-old (cue gasping). Looking back at that relationship now, seven years later, there are so many things I wish someone had told me before I decided to become the Lolita to this guy’s Humbert?. That, by the way, is actually a comparison I made at the time, which is so gross to me now. I romanticized a story about an adult man kidnapping, molesting, and raping an adolescent girl. None of that stuff happened to me, but I still wince when I remember how I idealized the thought of someone being single-mindedly obsessed with me the way the novel’s narrator is with Lolita. (Um, probably don’t do this, you guys.)
It wasn’t like I was stupid. At 15 I was smart and self-aware. But I didn’t have enough experience or wisdom (as opposed to intelligence) to completely understand what I was getting into. I thought I was totally prepared to deal with the daily realities of having a boyfriend who was older than me by a decade-plus, which turned out to be less than correct.
Before I get into the real nitty gritty, though, a few caveats. First, being attracted to older guys is completely and totally normal. It doesn’t mean you have “daddy issues” or whatever; that phrase doesn’t actually mean anything, because it can be applied (or, preferably, not) to every person on the planet. Being attracted to someone older just means you are a human person who sometimes thinks other human people are sexy! I mean, I know: some cute college guy who spells his texts properly and actually seems to wash his face (be still my beating heart) can be pretty tough crush competition for the bros in your 10th grade math class. And if there’s one thing of which I’m certain about you Rookies, it’s this: to borrow a compliment frequently expressed to you by your grandpa/kindly next-door neighbor/best friend’s mom, YOU ARE VERY MATURE FOR YOUR AGE. Which means it can sometimes be tough to find things in common with other people who, well, aren’t that way, including potential homecoming dates. So it’s totally fine to moon over people who are older than you! Acting on those feelings, however, is more complicador.
Which isn’t to say that there aren’t plenty of loving, mutually respectful relationships between people with long gaps between their birth years. Not every one of these situations is going to be a soap opera about forbidden love and sexual corruption; sometimes it really is just about two people who really like and respect each other. It’s totally doable, as long as you keep some things (*cough* MY INSANELY WISE WORDS BELOW *cough*) in mind.
My third preface is that this article is, by design, focused on the younger woman/older man dynamic, because that’s what so many of you have written to us about, and it’s so powerful a cultural trope as to have spawned novels, movies, stereotypes, and cliches. And the fact that adults and males have social/cultural/economic/etc. power over teenagers and females adds extra force to the power differential in this kind of arrangement. At some point we’ll do a piece on age differences in queer relationships, but this one is about teenage girls dating older dudes. I’ll use male pronouns a lot for this reason. (That said, most [but not all] of this advice will apply to sexual/romantic relationships involving people of any and all genders.)
Finally, I don’t mean for this article to read as “A HORRIBLE OLD MAN TOOK MY YOUTHFUL INNOCENCE,” because that’s not what happened. I made my own decisions when I was 15, and I enjoyed the majority of the time I spent dating that 28-year-old as well as the older dudes who came after him. But if you’re looking to get into one of these situations, I’m guessing you don’t need to be told about the alluring/fun parts, and if you’re writing to us about it, it’s clear that you are weighing your decision carefully, and not being passively swept away or coerced. And so this article is gonna focus on the not-so-fun stuff—the things I didn’t know or understand back then, and that maybe you don’t now.
So, here are the things I wish someone had talked to me about when I was 15—if they had, I doubt I would have acted on my proclivity for adult men at least until it was legal for me to do so, or maybe I would have just dialed my actions back a little. If you share my teenage (and current) tendencies and decide, after reading all these points, to charge ahead with your May-December romance, no one here is judging you, and I hope it’s a beautiful and positive experience. But maybe within it, you’ll find these points as useful as I would have at your age.
1. Sex with a minor is a crime in most countries.
What this means is that even if the person you’re seeing doesn’t know you’re underage—like, even if you show him or her a fake ID—he or she can face felony charges if someone finds out that you’re engaging in any kind of sexual activity, even if you were a willing participant. So, in addition to potentially messing with your brain, which is obviously what I care about most and what we’ll be primarily dealing with after this point, getting sexually involved with an older person if you’re under the age of consent (which varies from state to state and from country to country) could result in that person’s being sent to jail, which is a pretty serious thing to keep in mind.
2. Consider the age difference—how old are you and how old are they?
When I first started getting involved with older men, I was all “age ain’t nothin’ but a number .” But that is actually not the case, and the fact that I know that now but didn’t then proves my point. (Also, did you know that that song was written for Aaliyah by R. Kelly, who was boning her teenage self at the time? Anaheed told me this last year and I was like EW.)
When plotting to French an older person, you might be tempted to rationalize the stretch of time between your two births thusly: “Well, my mom and my dad [or whoever] are seven years apart in age and they’re doing swell, so LET’S GET THIS THING GOIN’.” Everyone knows a happy grown-up couple with a significant number of years between them, but the thing is this: Those two people are adults, and when that’s the case, how old you are in relation to your partner matters less. When you’re a teenager, however, every year is a pivotal one! Consider how different you are now from how you were two years ago—huge, right? You’re basically a whole ’nother person. Just as awesome, but with a radically different perspective on what happened in middle school, you know? That idea also applies to the years between you and an older paramour. Time behaves more peculiarly when you’re younger because everything changes so quickly, so the distance between 16 and 21 is way bigger than the one between 23 and 28.
That said, when you’re 17 or 18, it’s not really a big deal to hook up with someone who’s just a few years older than you. (And many jurisdictions have added so-called “Romeo and Juliet ” clauses to their statutory-rape laws to acknowledge this common sense.) Maybe your girlfriend or boyfriend went off to college, maybe you met a cute 21-year-old drummer at a show—these things happen and are fine as long as you feel comfortable with this older person. That means: Do you feel OK disagreeing with them? Are they respectful of your life outside of your relationship? Do they get along with your friends? Do they treat you as a peer? If you’re unsure, a good rule of thumb is to draw the line at getting involved with anyone who is older than you by a quarter of the years you’ve been alive. And anyone under the age of 17 should probably wait a little while to be with any person whose age doesn’t also end in - teen.
3. You have plenty of time to date people older than you, but not nearly as much to have a high-school romance.
Teenagehood lasts only seven years. You have literally the rest of your earthly days to date people in their 20s and up, but you can never have a real high-school romance again after 12th grade is over. I didn’t give myself a chance to do all that puppy-love stuff like passing love notes in class, holding hands during cheesy assemblies, and sneaking quick kisses in the hallway during passing period. All of these things seem awesome, and I’m kind of pissed that I gave them up!
When you get a little older, the fun first-timeyness that goes with teenage love dissipates. While love and sex are still the absolute jam, the hot mystery of figuring out how to do them is over with. It’s much more fun to share these things with people who are also just learning about them, i. e. not some graduate student who doesn’t get why you’re so stoked to be making out with someone since they’ve done it a million times. Even though high school boys can seem immature, they, like you, are most likely going to be SO EAGER AND WOWED by the prospect of romantic and sexual stuff. Doesn’t that sound kinda great? That’s because it is!
4. Because of the whole potential-incarceration-of-their-partner thing, a teenager may have to hide a relationship with an older person from everyone else in their life.
Some of the best parts of having a boyfriend or girlfriend involve other people: he or she is someone with whom you can roll your eyes at family functions, a teammate for party games, and a topic of obsessive conversation with your best friends. If you’re in a relationship that is not only frowned upon by society in general but also highly illegal, chances are that most if not all of these things are off-limits, because you have to keep your relationship a secret. While at first it might seem alluring to have a PRIVATE ROMANTIC WORLD with someone (and it is exciting in the beginning, I admit), your life is not a movie (sucks, I know). Keeping things underground gets tiring and frustrating, not to mention a little overwhelming, really quickly.
I learned this the tough way with my 28-year-old, whom, for convenience’s sake, I’m going to give a name from here on out: Alan. I can’t tell you his real name because our relationship was a secret and also illegal, and even though the statute of limitations on that crime has expired, he would be still be rightly embarrassed to have anyone in his life know that he was creepin’ with a high school sophomore when he was five years out of college. Because of the taboo nature of our situation, I had to keep Alan hidden from even my bestest of buds. This was really difficult and very isolating. When he and I got into fights, there was no one in whom I could confide, since no one knew he existed. When I wanted to hang out with him, I had to do a lot of sneaking around and lying to the people I loved. That blew. And when the novelty of having an illicit love affair wore off, I had no one to talk to about how confused and upset I was about certain aspects of the relationship.
Having a significantly older partner severely limits the stuff you can do together, too. You can’t exactly bring a 30-year-old to prom! You also can’t hang out with each other’s friends without everyone feeling a little awkward, go on public dates without attracting a lot of weird looks and potentially the attention of authorities, or, most likely, meet each other’s families. Basically the only things I could do with Alan regularly were hanging out in his car or in secluded places like parking lots and dark corners of public parks. Sounds really safe and romantic, right? UH, NO, ARE YOU KIDDING ME EVEN. Not to be all dramatic, but seriously: flying solo with an older guy who wants to sleep with you in shady places where no one knows who you’re with or where you are = a really easy way to get murked or otherwise hurt. Please be smarter than I was about this BASIC TENET OF COMMON SENSE, because I like you exactly how you are: in one piece.
5. Why does this person want to date a teenager?
This is the biggest question you should ask yourself about some older suitor who’s sniffing around your doorstep. Why does he/she want to date you and not someone their own age? Your natural answer might be the one I would have given when I was 15: BECAUSE WE ARE A PERFECT MATCH AND I AM SPECIAL AND VERY MATURE. You are special and mature, of course—there’s no denying that—but it’s probably not the main reason that a grown man is trying to get all makey-outey with you. It’s easy to feel flattered and
so adult
when this is happening—it can be totally exciting when a cute older person thinks you’re cool! But I encourage you to take a step back and consider the motives of anyone significantly older than you.
OK, here’s where I bring up the big topic that drives the whole controversy surrounding this discussion, one which I would have rolled my eyes at when I was dating my 28-year-old, but which I now know is a valid line of thinking: if a person who is of legal drinking age or above makes a habit of courting people who are in high school, there’s a good chance they might be a pedophile (or, if you want to be super technical, an ephobophile ). Also, adults know that seducing teenagers, even willing, smart, self-aware teenagers, carries with it a power imbalance that is ripe for exploitation, and very often qualifies as abuse. They know how easy it is to screw with your brain, and that can have long-term effects, 99% of them negative. No one who cares about your wellbeing will seek to do this to you, no matter how attracted they might be to your personhood. If they chase you despite this knowledge, they’re putting their sexual interest above the basic and awful knowledge that they are probably hurting what is, let’s face it, a kid. That, my loves, is fucked.
6. While older people might know more about books and kissing and Good Bands of the Past, they probably also know more about how to manipulate people.
A lot of older people select much younger partners because they themselves are insecure—they feel intimidated by women their own age, who aren’t as easily impressed as someone with a lot less experience might be. It’s not like I was a DUMB NAIVE BABYHEAD regarding books/music/etc. when I was 15—I would say I was so taken with Alan because I was the opposite! I was really excited that, whoa, here was a dude who could talk to me about art and poetry and other stuff that I loved, in a way that the grunty guys in my classes didn’t seem capable of. I thought it was, like, the absolute greatest thing in the world when Alan knew who Samuel Beckett was. (I now know that being able to name a playwright isn’t really enough to base a relationship on, but I digress.) I was so thrilled to be able to talk to my boyfriend about literature ’n’ stuff that I didn’t really notice that he wasn’t talking to me so much as he was talking down to me. This strikes me now as enormously pathetic–some dude almost in his 30s needing to prove how SMART and LEARNED he was to someone who wasn’t old enough to drive.
It’s really common for older partners to pull the you’re-so-young-and-I-know-so-much-better-than-you card about just about everything, from movies to politics to sex. You might feel like you and your older person are emotional equals, but again, age and gender differences create power imbalances, and those can be leveraged to pressure you into stuff, no matter how self-possessed you are. It doesn’t take much for someone older than you to make you feel babyish, and you might make choices that aren’t in your best interest just to re-establish the feeling that you’re totally mature and that you two are peers.
In any good relationship, the people involved are treated with equal respect and value, and when someone is dismissing your thoughts because of your age, that’s bullshit behavior because it’s rude, and because it can make you feel disrespected and chip away at your self-worth. When I was with Alan, I was constantly afraid of seeming immature and unintelligent, which led me to go along with a lot of what he said and what he wanted to do, even stuff I didn’t agree with. This was far from healthy; also, his ideas of what constituted mature behavior were often MAD WRONG. When I was with friends or at parties and not immediately answering his text messages, he would become enraged. His logic was that I was being passive-aggressive and uncommunicative by not getting back to him within five minutes, and that this was a childish thing to do. I changed my behavior to better suit his idea of what an adult relationship was like, but now I know that he was being the infantile (and scary!) one.
I want to talk about that situation a little bit more, because it’s another important thing to keep in mind before you get involved with an adult. All that power-imbalance stuff we discussed in point #5 is really appealing to people who have a need to control their partners, which not only leads to abuse, but is abusive all by itself. Alan freaked out when I was with other people. He wanted to restrict my social interactions, and punished me by getting angry when I wouldn’t answer his texts fast enough. He also tried to turn me against other people in my life: when I confided in him about my problems with my family or friends, he would try to make it seem like they were the WORST, MOST VILLAINOUS PEOPLE IN THE WORLD (they weren’t, of course) and that he was the only person who understood me, so I should only spend time with him.
A common theme in emotional abuse is the abuser creating distance between the abused person and their friends and family in order to exert control over them. When you can’t tell anyone that a relationship is even happening in the first place, the potential for abusive isolation is built right in from the start. A predator can easily take advantage of your lack of a support system—they know that if they manipulate and/or hurt you, no one can give you a reality check and say, “WAIT, HOLD UP, THE WAY THIS PERSON IS TREATING YOU IS REALLY NOT OK.” Of course, this also applies to physical abuse–it makes it a hell of a lot easier for someone looking to harm you bodily if they know you haven’t told anyone about the fact that their behavior is scaring you. If any of this sounds like something you’re experiencing, please tell someone right away, even if—maybe especially if—you’re afraid to do so.
Eventually, Alan’s insecurities about my social life rose to unmanageable levels. I didn’t even have to mention my family or friends (whom, keep in mind, he had never met) anymore for him to launch into hateful tirades about them. This finally got me to see Alan for what he was: a by-then-29-year-old who needed to control and manipulate a 15-year-old in order to feel validated. Once I did, I was outta there LIKETHAT.
7. SEX SEX SEXXXXXX.
SO MANY OF YOU ARE CURIOUS ABOUT THIS. The questions in your emails tend to go like this: “If I date an older guy, is he going to expect me to go further than a little chaste makin’-out sooner than I might otherwise do that?” Well, it depends on the guy, but typically, the answer is yes. Since most of these dudes have been sexually active for longer than you have, sex isn’t, for them, the momentous occasion it might be for you, especially if you haven’t had it (or much of it, anyway). So they’re less likely to wait a while before moving past the tonsil-hockey stage.
In these AND ALL relationships, it’s crucial to communicate clearly what your boundaries are, and by this I don’t mean wordlessly steering someone’s hand away from where it’s feeling around on your skirt like 23 times in a row while you’re kissing them. Tell the person that you’re with, in words, what you are and are not ready to do, preferably well before any of those activities are on the verge of happening—you don’t want to have to make a split-second decision in the heat of the moment about what is or isn’t off limits.
If your love interest isn’t willing to respect the boundaries that you set on your sexual activity, that’s their problem. Another problem of theirs is that you’re not going to stick around so that they can try to convince you that THIS IS WHAT MATURE PEOPLE DO and that IT’S REALLY NOT A BIG DEAL and that YOU CANNOT TELL A GROWN MAN TO WAIT. You’re going to leave them on the curb alongside the other garbage bags.
***
OK. Phew. So, that’s all the stuff I wish I had known! I will repeat here that I don’t think that dating older guys is always terrible or that it will irrevocably ruin your life. Even if you have a bad experience like mine with Alan, you will get over it.
And for all the dangers that come with dating older people, there are upsides—obviously, or we wouldn’t need to have had this li’l talk. It’s nice to be around people who are assured of themselves and their interests, a quality that usually increases the longer you’ve been hanging out on planet Earth. And, of course, there’s the whole face-washing thing. Swoon.
Just be sure—and I say this to you no matter what age your love interest happens to be—that you and of course THEY are responsible and respectful in actions and behaviors; that you are equal partners; that you feel like you can get out of it at any time, for any reason, without fear; and that you are happy.
And remember: "Lolita" is not a love story. OK? All right, get along. As always, be safe and enjoy, ya little minxes. ¦
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