Dating jp

Текст видео

Опубликовано: 3 мая 2012 г.

Norwegian subtitles thanks to: Alex Ok

Catalan subtitles thanks to: seiichibunta

French subtitles thanks to: enjinks

Dutch subtitles thanks to: Mathias Decru

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PDA = Public Displays of Affection (holding hands, hugging, kissing, etc)

And just for clarification, this video is meant as a comparison of Japan and Korea! Not Japan, Korea, and America (or any other country). Both Japan and Korea are more conservative when it comes to PDA than western countries. )

So it's been a really long time since I've uploaded a video, and that's because I was preparing to go back to America! On the way back I stopped in Korea, and it was a blast! It really got me thinking about how restrictive dating in Japan is!

Of course I'm sure dating in Korea has it's own share of difficulties, especially when foreigners and marriage are involved. But I was envious of all the couples who weren't embarrassed to hold hands or even put their arms around each other in public!

Japanese Dating Culture

This article is mostly for the benefit of Western readers. However, I feel it can also help Japanese readers who would like to better understand the Western perspective of Japanese dating. I’ve included my thoughts as a Westerner on Japanese dating culture for that reason. Virgin or veteran, I feel for any Westerner or Easterner who dates or aspires to date inter-culturally this is worth a read. Who knows? You might just understand the other half a little better after this.

I’m going to start out with a disclaimer: Every person - and consequently every situation - is different. I’m sure people can find exceptions to what I am putting forth as general rules. But they are just that: generalities. I am by no means an expert. I am going off of my experience and some discussions with my Japanese friends and friends who have lengthy experience with the culture. Additionally, I am a man, so all of my understanding comes from the perspective of a man. I would love more input from the experiences of others. I would especially love to hear back from my Japanese friends with their thoughts and perspectives on the topic. Ladies especially. Any more I can learn will only serve myself and others better. That being said, let’s dive right in.

Japan, and as I understand it most of Asia, has a very different dating culture than that of the West. I can best describe it as courting with initial ambiguity. Things also move much more slowly than in the west.

Initial dating, or the lead up to dating, always begins in a group. You go out with mutual friends, or a group of your friends and a group of her friends together. You will probably only bring friends of the same sex. Bringing a friend of the opposite sex can often be misinterpreted. This isn’t a hard and fast rule, but more of a rule of thumb. Being in a group diffuses the pressure and allows each party to take stock of the company the other keeps. Meeting their friends and having the friends’ approval can be very important, but not always. In the group, you focus almost solely on the one you are interested in. If you can, you may break off from the group as to only talk with each other. This is how you show interest.

After several outings like this, say five or six, you may ask to do something just the two of you. A movie, grabbing coffee or going to the park. Typical date type things, but generally in public. This allows each of you to gauge how you feel about being alone with the other. After spending time together outside of the group for a while, also probably five or six times, one person will confess their love for the other. This is called “kokuhaku,” and is in most cases done by the man. If the other returns those feelings, then they become boyfriend and girlfriend. The relationship then proceeds as relationships between boyfriends and girlfriends do. There ends any significant differences.

At the point of kokuhaku is where we consider two people to begin dating. Everything before that is considered getting to know each other in a friendly manner. In the West we would argue that dating is simply getting to know someone better with romantic intent to see if you would like a relationship with them, so that the time spent outside of the group would be considered dates. From my understanding the Japanese do not see it that way.

Also to be noted is that no physical intimacy occurs until after becoming boyfriend and girlfriend. I don’t just mean sex, but kissing and I think even hand holding. All of that comes after the relationship. Attempting a kiss can make a Japanese person think you are only interested in sex or a physical relationship and not a serious or romantic relationship. A lot of miscommunication can occur here. For example, often a Westerner will want to kiss someone they are seeing and the Easterner doesn’t want to be kissed yet. The Westerner will think the Easterner isn’t interested in a relationship with him/her. The Easterner will think the Westerner only wants to sleep with him/her and doesn’t want an actual relationship. Since we in the West use kissing as an expression of romantic intent and as a stepping stone to building a relationship, it can be especially confusing and frustrating. So far as physical intimacy after becoming boyfriend and girlfriend: I believe everything is fair game. Eastern cultures don’t have the religious stigma of sex before marriage being a sin, so most are open to premarital sex. Obviously how soon they are willing to have sex after becoming boyfriend and girlfriend is based on the individual.

The use of kokuhaku is also a bit of a culture shock for Westerners. Love is a very powerful word and concept in English. Telling someone “I love you” in such a manner as kokuhaku is consequently very serious. In Western dating one would only tell someone “I love you” after being boyfriend and girlfriend for a good amount of time. One says those words only with someone they feel they want to spend the rest of their lives with. Westerners try not to say those words until they are sure of that feeling. We use the less powerful word “like” until then. But even telling someone “I like you” can be tricky. Saying those words makes the thing real and in the open. It makes you think about their feelings, your feelings and adds pressure to the situation. One worries about hurting the other person’s feelings and it turns a once playful situation very serious. For those reasons most Westerners prefer romantic actions over confessions of love. With an action you don’t need to think, simply to do. One will feel what they feel and it clarifies any concerns or confusions. Most commonly we use a kiss. Kissing is a very clear sign that someone likes and wants to date you. Unless they are drunk. Then all bets are off.

Because of the kokuhaku culture expressing interest in someone can also be tricky for a Westerner. The Japanese language does not contain gradations of the word like. All of the general words used to tell someone you have feelings for them in Japanese (?? suki, ??? daisuki, ???? ai shitteru) are equivalent to telling someone you love them. Each one is just a stronger way of saying that you love them. So far as I know there is no Japanese equivalent for “like” in the way it is used in English. This can be confusing as ?? which is generally translated into English as “like” isn’t used in the same manner when applied to people in Japanese. If a Westerner tells a Japanese person in English “I like you” or in Japanese “????” it will be interpreted as “I love you.” Most likely they will think you are giving a kokuhaku and asking them to become your significant other. The Westerner in this case most likely only wants to go on a few dates and learn if they would be interested in becoming boyfriend and girlfriend if things work out.

From a Western perspective this style of dating can seem a bit childish and immature. Some of that feeling stems from the Eastern style of dating being similar to how we in the West date during high school. Adult dating in the West moves a bit faster than the East. For adults in the West we use physical intimacy, kissing especially, as a way of determining compatibility. To remove physical intimacy from dating in the West is to make dating the same as building a friendship. If a person does not want to kiss us or be physical with us, we take that as a sign that they are not interested in us as a boyfriend / girlfriend. We assume they just want to be friends.

As I stated at the beginning, these are generalities and there will be exceptions. Easterners who have lived abroad, are a little bit older (late twenties on) or live in a major city may be more open to dating differently. With a Westerner, especially, they will expect there to be some cultural differences. They may even be aware of your cultural norms. But less traveled and young ones are more likely to be surprised by things outside of their cultural norms. There are also people who are just looking for - or are open to - one night stands, sleeping around or being friends with benefits. Roppongi in Tokyo is infamous for being rife with bars and clubs where Japanese women go to look for a one night foreign boyfriend. This is all well and good if that is what you are looking for, but seeking one night stands or a quick lay isn’t dating. Different rules apply. Some people find relationships this way but it won’t always be the best way to find one. It’s also a small subsection of the population. Not surprisingly one many foreigners find their way to.

For all the differences in dating culture one thing holds true in both: Dating can be confusing, trying and stressful. It can also be fun, wonderful and rewarding. Dating is called a game for a reason. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. The more you play, the better your chances of winning. But it always helps to know the rules of the game.

What is Soulmates Japan?

Soulmates Japan is a completely free Japanese dating and friendship network for those looking to meet Japanese people. We are different from other Japanese dating sites because we closely monitor our network for abuse, and unlike our competitors, who are based overseas, our company is Japanese owned and run. Our offices are in central Tokyo and we employ Japanese and native English speaking staff to monitor our network providing you, the user, with a safe environment to meet Japanese singles, Japanese girls and Japanese women. All Japanese dating sites are not the same! At Soul mates Japan we take pride in being a leading Japanese dating site with real members and a high quality of service.

We are a leading Japanese dating and personals site that has combined ease of use and simplicity with advanced communication and search functionality to allow you to easily find and communicate with new people to find friendship and hopefully romance! By joining Soulmates Japan you will have access to your own mail box that allows you to send mail to and receive mail from other members. You can also talk in real time with other members via live chat, send winks to other members to let them know you are interested. Through Soulmates Japan you will find large numbers of Japanese singles, Japanese women and Japanese girls looking for romance, relationships and friendship. Soulmates Japan is primarily for Japanese singles who speak English to some degree and for people who are interested to meet Japanese singles or people with a connection to Japan.

Japanese Dating - Soulmates Japan bridges the gap between foreign men and Japanese girls and Japanese women. Through our extensive network of Japanese singles, Japanese girls and Japanese women you will be able to meet new Japanese people for dating and friendship. Beacuse we specialized in matching Japanese people with people from overseas you will find that our Japanese singles normally have international experience in one form or another or are interested to become more international and meet people from overseas. These days a lot of non-Japanese are intersted in Japan, its culture and in Japanese dating. Japan and its people are truely unique and dating with a Japanese person can be an incredibley rich experience both culturally and personally.

Japanese Singles - If you are looking for a serious relationship with a Japanese girl or Japanese woman then Soulmates Japan is the place for you. We aim to bring together people who are serious about starting a relationship and not just looking for a good time. Browse our database and chose from categories like age, looks, career, personality types and many other categories to find your perfect Japanese single match. We have hundreds of Japanese single women and men waiting to meet someone special from overseas either living in Japan or based in their own country. Japanese dating has never been easier. Use the Soulmates Japan email system to get to know Japanese singles at first, chat in real time to see how much you have in common. If all goes well, then maybe arrange a first meeting with that special person.

Japanese Women - Soulmates Japan brings people together connected to Japan. We are a Japanese dating site aimed mostly at matching non-Japanese with Japanese women, Japanese girls and other people connected to Japan. If you are looking for a Japanese lady then Soulmates Japan is the premier resource to meet hundreds of single Japanese women looking for romance and friendship. As you may know, Japanese culture is considerably different from other cultures, especially those in the west. Japanese women and men from other cultures often complement each other and tend to make attractive couples. Browse our database of Japanese singles, to find your ideal Japanese woman, Japanese girl or Japanese man.

Other People Are Reading

Avoid Making a Spectacle

Avoid doing anything that draws public attention to your date: Japanese culture emphasizes modesty and blending in. If, for example, you meet a man or woman you are interested in and want to ask them for their phone number or to go on a date, do so in private. Drawing public attention to the object of your affection will result in acute embarrassment. Steer clear of public displays of affection, especially on the first date.

Common Types of First Dates

Changing Expectations

Be aware, though, that your date's expectations may depend on their age. If your date grew up in the 1980s or early '90s in Japan, be aware that they grew up in a time when there was a lot of money floating around Japan. They may expect more expensive locations, entertainment, and gifts. In the '80s, Japanese women came to expect luxurious presents as part of a date; the absence of such a gift signaled an absence of love. Times have changed, of course, and younger women don't usually share the same pricey expectations as their older counterparts.

For the Non-Japanese Person

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Is Dating Japanese Women Really That Easy?

So, I decided to “interrogate” some male bloggers about their experience.

I want to thank all the great people who agreed to collaborate and share their story with all of us!

Name: Benjamin Martin

Nationality: American (USA)

Age: 29

L et’s start with Ben. You might already know him as I interviewed Ben a while ago.

He has spent the last 5 years living on small islands in Okinawa. In August 2013 Ben participated in the popular Japanese TV show Motemote 99 where he met a wonderful Japanese women. In fact, he proposed to her just a while ago. Ben says:

“It’s been a whirlwind (meeting parents and dating from afar), but so far we are happy and plan to marry this year. We’ve managed to keep things alive through LINE (*a Japanese app similar to WhatsApp) and trips every month or so. I spent five days with her family prior to popping the question and that gave me a great chance to see if I fit in with them. Luckily, we all got along. Of course proposals are pretty different in Japan and the US, but I managed a hybrid approach which is pretty much how I see our life together going forward.”

F or anyone who’s hoping to find a girlfriend in Japan, he suggests:

“Back in the States there are a million ways to meet people and start up a conversation. In Japan, women and men tend to socialize separately . so unless you find someone at work (which has its own issues), you’re limited in the ways you might meet a potential date. One good option is joining a community club or activity, though then there’s no telling if they’ll fit your age range.

For my part, living on a small island just made things more difficult . It takes a certain amount of commitment to start dating when everyone will know about it in a few days. I found it hard to make anything more than superficial connections or move past friendship. I joined in the TV show at the last minute not expecting much. After seeing my profile, several women came to meet me. It definitely made things easier knowing they were interested in me, yet there were distractions as well. Still, by the end of the event I found someone I could communicate easily with despite my non-fluent Japanese and her lack of English.”

B en says that a cross-cultural relationship can be difficult:

“There are always differences in expectation and cultural differences can lead to awkwardness, yet I’ve found that clear communication can help to navigate the most difficult situations. I’m still new to my relationship and we’ve had no major problems despite our difference in language. I think it helps that we both understand each others’ priorities and our goals and plans all fit together.”

B en admits that he’s not sure whether it’s more difficult for a female foreigner to find a partner in Japan:

“I don’t know how hard it is for Western women to meet Japanese guys. I think the difficulty would be in expected roles . The stereotype is that Westerners are strong and Japanese men don’t want that. It could be true some of the time, but I think people can find the type of personality they’re compatible with in any culture. I never found it easy to ‘get’ a Japanese woman . then again, my fiance and I met on a Japanese TV show for the express purpose of finding someone to marry. The modern version of the omiai (arranged marriage) seems to be working quite well for us. Living in different prefectures we never would have met without the show.”

Name: Baye (Loco)

Nationality: American (USA)

Age: 40s

In his opinion it isn’t difficult to approach Japanese women:

“One big difference I’ve found is that there are fewer places here in Japan where it’s seemly to approach women. Whereas in NY– my former stomping ground — pretty much anywhere, including on the street, was within acceptable parameters as a suitable place to meet girls, here, due to certain customs and/or expectations, the number of places is significantly lower.”

B aye also has some great suggestions how you could meet a Japanese woman in Japan:

“Japanese Girls who are looking to get involved with a Non-Japanese (NJ) man (which is relatively few, but appears very high when applied to the number of NJ men living here) will make themselves available at places where they expect to find foreign men. Typically gaijin bars in areas like Roppongi, Shibuya, Shinjuku, Ebisu, and those sorts of places. And if you approach them in such an environment, where they’re pretty much expecting it and frankly came there for that purpose, then you’re unlikely to scare or embarrass the hell out of them. Also, if you check certain English language magazines like Metropolis. or certain websites, you’ll find personal ads from Japanese women who are in the market for NJ guys. Although I’ve found a strong preference for white guys in these ads. They’ll actually say ‘ white men only’ or ‘no black men please,’ from time to time which is enough to turn your stomach. But I guess you can say at least they’re upfront about their preferences.”

A bout possible issues in a relationship due to cultural differences, he says:

“It might seem so in the beginning, but eventually you come to realize that most of those troubles you were blaming on cultural differences were really just a result of your having not done due diligence (and who hasn’t been victimized by their libido’s tendency to takeover when a pretty face and lovely assets are involved, or rushed into something questionable to escape loneliness?) So, often these troubles occur when someone didn’t get to know the person before leaping into the relationship .”

L ike most others, Baye agrees that it’s more difficult for foreign women to date Japanese guys here in Japan:

“I think NJ women have to deal with stereotypes just like the NJ men here. And often, at least according to my Japanese male friends, those stereotypes involve aggressive attitudes . impatience, sexual promiscuity . and resistance to compliance. But, that’s not to say you can’t get past those. And while some of those same stereotypes apply to NJ men, the Japanese women who are attracted to NJ men are generally (in my experience) attracted to and are frankly expecting those qualities from NJ men (and may or may not be receptive if they’re not present).

Chauvinism and misogyny are male attributes that are present all over the world, and Japan is no exception. The society dictates what is acceptable, tolerable, attractive and even what will bring a man the prestige among his peers he might desire, and in most cases the women they choose either fulfill these needs or are expected to conform to them somehow. I suspect, though I might be wrong about this, that it is pretty difficult for a NJ woman to conform to Japanese men’s / Japanese society’s expectations, and it is the rare case that a man will disregard these demands. The decision to step outside of the expectations of one’s society has ramifications that are far-reaching, and can potentially impact every facet of their lives, be it family, career, even friendships. In my experience, most Japanese men would label the challenges caused by having a NJ wife ‘mendokusai’ (*a pain in the rear).”

Name: Coolio

Nationality: German

Age: 47

C oolio is a German blogger who has been living in Tokyo for many years now.

When I asked him if he sees any difference in approaching Japanese women or Western women, he answered:

“In the end, Japanese women are just women as well . The difference is that you MUST approach them . Usually there’s no initiative to approach men, like for example in Germany. And if a Japanese woman approaches you as a gaijin, just run as fast as you can!”

I also wanted to know if Coolio sees any cultural differences that could cause trouble in a relationship. He says:

“Yes. Sure as hell. Starting with a completely different meaning of ‘love’ in Japan, followed by the concept of ‘honne’ (??: real feelings) and “tatemae” (??: what she’ll tell you) to name just a few. Wanna try? Be prepared for a lot of disappointment.”

C oolio is of the opinion that it’s indisputably true that foreign men have it easier than foreign women when it comes to dating in Japan:

“A lot of Japanese dudes are thinking that gaijin women are just too strong for them and that these women wouldn’t fit into the typical role of a woman in a typical Japanese marriage. Well, I’ll tell you foreign ladies a secret: A lot of disappointed male gaijin are just waiting for a chance with you!”

Name: Donald Ash

Nationality: American (USA)

Age: 33

D onald is a blogger and English teacher. He says about himself that he’s a rather introverted person who wouldn’t just walk up to a Japanese woman, throwing the following at her: “Konnichiwa, nice stockings, wanna go out?”

However, he also states that it’s far less intimidating to approach a Japanese woman than a non-Asian woman:

“There’s no real penalty for screwing up. I’ve never had a Japanese woman snap at me for trying to approach her . but I have in America! When approaching women, guys often are afraid of being embarrassed or publicly rejected. In Japan, that fear is greatly reduced. If the woman isn’t interested, or doesn’t understand you (for those who don’t know any Japanese yet), she’ll just ignore you or walk away. You can simply blame it on the language disconnect and move on.”

A pparently he has had some positive experiences with approaching Japanese women:

“Sometimes you don’t have to approach at all. I didn’t have to go out and do naked handstands to get my very first dates in Japan. My first dates were with people who already knew me, with someone that a friend introduced me to, or with someone who had an extreme interest in hip-hop culture and gave me their number because (surprise, surprise) I’m black .”

H e adds a few more encouraging words:

“ You honestly have a chance!

Has anybody else seen the super gorgeous Japanese woman with the super-nerdy boyfriend or husband? I have, and I love it!

Nerds, rejoice with me! There’s hope for us!”

A lthough Donald sounds really optimistic now, his first year in Japan was rough:

“ I had the hardest time getting women to even consider dating me. I couldn’t understand for the life of me why women would shy away from me. Some even seemed to be outright scared of me. It wasn’t like I was rushing up to them and screaming. I would just try to be my normal self and women didn’t seem to take notice. I would lower my standards and still get rejected.

I thought maybe it was a Japanese issue, but that wasn’t it either. I started to improve my Japanese so I could communicate better, and it still wasn’t working. I had friends who spoke even less Japanese than I did, and they always had a hot Japanese date on their arm.

There were times when I felt like an African-American version of Quasimodo .”

H owever, he says that being date-starved and desperate during that first year has taught him a lot:

“ I realize now that the approach isn’t all that different. If you can spark an interest or really engage a woman, you have a chance for a date whether she is Japanese, American, British or Martian. I think the difference is that you don’t necessarily have to work as hard in Japan to create that spark.

For example, if you’re a foreigner who plays in a band here in Japan, it’s like an instant hook!

Also, does anybody ever notice that when you don’t try, that’s when the dates come? That seems like a universal principle to me. It’s the same here in Japan.”

J ust like many other people I interviewed, Donald agrees that there are cultural differences that cause issues in a relationship:

“One problem is the language barrier. Relationships are based on good communication . When you can’t fully express your thoughts to your partner, it can become an issue. When you disagree, and you eventually will, being able to speak your mind in Japanese is truly important.

During that initial, sparkly, new relationship phase not knowing Japanese can be an interesting way to learn together and grow your relationship in the process. But once you understand, there’s no going back. When you can fully comprehend the Japanese, you now have full access to every complaint, to every emotional twist and turn.”

A nother cultural difference he observes is “the altar rush” among women in Japan:

“I know I’ve been in Japan for a while but I always thought marriage was something that happened gradually (or if two people make an accidental baby). Some of these so-called ‘shy’ Japanese women will let you know straight up: I want to get married and I want to have kids. ”

D onald agrees that it’s more difficult for foreign women to find a partner here in Japan:

“I think a big part of that stems from the fact that the man is ‘expected to’ approach the woman . There are some pretty brazen Japanese guys out there. But when given the choice between playing it safe and dating a Japanese woman or leaping out of their comfort zone to date a foreign woman, which will the average Japanese man choose?”

L ast, but not least, he wants to give a word of advice for anyone who’s thinking about coming to Japan:

“I know some people have the misconception that just because you’re a foreigner that as soon as you step off the plane you’ll be swarmed by beautiful Japanese women. While this is true for some people, it hasn’t been my experience at all. If you’re anything like me, you’ll either have to work at dating in Japan or just be a little smarter about it. You don’t have to be an over-the-top extrovert to find dates, but you may need a couple of drops of proactivity .”

O h, and to all the women … pretty(!) women out there:

“As for me, I’ll stick to being creative! To any gorgeous women who are interested, my number is 080… What? I can’t give out my number here? …”

N o, because I need to knock out the competition right from the start! Ok, paper and pen are prepared, go ahead!

Name: Matthias

Nationality: German

Age: late 30s

M atthias is a fellow German who is married to a Japanese woman and has his own little German-Japanese family now. When I asked him if it’s difficult to approach Japanese women, he answered:

“I’m not sure about that. I never approached a Japanese woman myself since I met my wife in Germany. I’d imagine though, that there are certain things that impress Japanese women but not non-Asian women and vice versa.

In the end, it’s all about the place. If you try to date someone you met coincidentally somewhere, it’s certainly different from dating someone in, let’s say a club in Roppongi . where some Japanese women already go with the intention to date a foreigner .”

A bout possible problems in cross-cultural relationships he says:

“I think, the language plays a big role . I know some couples who get along very well without actually understanding each other’s language.

Putting aside simple things such as her being shocked when he sticks his chopsticks into a bowl of rice, I think the main issues lie in the different sense of humor . but also in different expectations . A nice example for this is childcare – Japanese and Western fostering are quite different, and this confuses a lot of Western men. In some cases, the difference is too big. I know couples who divorced shortly after giving birth.”

I wanted to know whether it’s easier for foreign men to “get” a Japanese woman or for foreign women to get a Japanese guy. Matthias’ conclusion is:

“I’m sure it’s easy for foreign women to ‘catch’ a Japanese guy. It’s all about where to look. But the ‘pond’ is certainly smaller and lots of Japanese men being interested in foreign women are only searching for a trophy . so to say.

On the other hand, it’s certainly easy for a guy to get a Japanese woman . but it’s rather difficult to find a Japanese woman who dates you because you are who you are character-wise and not because you happen to come from the other side of the world … or because you seem to have money.”

Dating Japanese Women – Conclusion:

Thanks to all these wonderful men who agreed to share their story with us, I think we all got a pretty good picture of what it is really like to date Japanese women in Japan.

It’s surely not the easiest thing on earth, but doable. And it seems to be much easier for foreign guys to find a Japanese partner than it is for foreign women, mainly due to expectations and stereotypes that strongly exist within the Japanese society.

It’s interesting to see that foreign men and women seem to experience similar issues in their cross-cultural relationships. Many mentioned the language barrier as one of the biggest problems. I remember that the Western women I interviewed often struggled with the expectations of their Japanese husband (and his family) in terms of “role allocation” and household. None of the male foreigners here mentioned anything like that.

I wonder if it’s eventually more difficult for a foreign women to adapt to a cross-cultural relationship with a Japanese guy, when living in Japan.

Over To You!

I’d love to read about your experience or expectations.

Feel free to share your story with us in the comments below.