Dating narcissist

Signs You May be Dating a Narcissist

With shows like The Pickup Artist on the radar, it seems that male narcissism is flourishing if not becoming epidemic while being fueled by our culture and the media. While egomaniacs may make for irritating but good TV, they can have a truly destructive impact on the lives of their loved ones.

While considering the narcissistic levels of ourselves or loved ones is not new, a recent Chicago Tribune article about dating narcissists offered some handy tips on how to diagnose and, more importantly, decide to live with (or leave) a narcissist. The American Psychological Association lists nine core traits of narcissism, but someone only needs five of these to qualify for Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

- Feels grandiose and self-important for reasons not supported by reality. Umm do unattractive guys with insufficient employment and horrible personalities who think they deserve to date supermodels sound familiar to you? You may have encountered a walking NPD.

- Obsessed with fantasies about unlimited success, fame, power or omnipotence. “After I travel the world and write my book I’ll sell it to Hollywood, Johnny Depp will play me, then I’ll start my business and consult, giving speeches around the world for six figures…” etc etc etc. Yawn.

- Believes he/she is unique and special and can be understood by and associate with only other unique or high-status people. The No-One-Gets-Me-Guy. He is so unique and rare that no one can compete with him and you probably can’t even comprehend half of the amazing thoughts he has in his head.

- Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation. You: “Oh yes, you sounded perfect on the phone with your boss! You were firm but not overbearing, you flattered him but got in some good points about yourself, I can’t believe how well you handled that.” Repeat x’s 100 or however long it takes for him to stop fishing for compliments and positive analysis.

- Is devoid of empathy. He can complain and whine for hours about all of his problems, real and imagined but when you need to talk about your constantly undermining coworker or sick relative, suddenly he is busy or maybe just returns a blank stare and a “Oh I’m sure it will be fine.” kind of remark. Anyway, don’t bore him, he has really important things on his mind!

And yes, there are even a few more signs that he may be a narcissist right here !

Expects Praise

If you're dating a narcissist, you'll notice they he not only wants to be praised for every little thing he does, but expects as much. For example, he picks you up on time for your date; even though this act is a basic show of respect and courtesy, he expects you to tell him what a great boyfriend he is merely because he made it to your place on time. Or gives you a gift for your birthday and wants you to tell him what a great job he did picking out the perfect gift -- he doesn't care to hear about how much you love, or dislike, the gift itself, because even though it's your birthday and your gift, the whole situation is really about him.

Exaggerated Achievements

A narcissist exaggerates his achievements or his talents. On your first date, he may list off all his incredible -- and not necessarily true -- accomplishments; e. g. he says he graduated from high school two years early, won a fellowship, has climbed Mount Everest and has an M. D. but is the CEO at his company, but in truth graduated high school, applied for a fellowship, dreamed about climbing a mountain, failed out of medical school and is merely the youngest employee -- not the CEO -- at his company. He also uses superlatives when talking about himself, such as "I'm the smartest man you'll ever meet" or "I'm the hardest-working employee at my job." (Reference 1)

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Are You Dating a Narcissist?

Dating a narcissist is, sadly, a fairly common occurrence for men and women, and knowing how to identify one is necessary for your sanity and self-esteem. Before we get to the signs to watch out for, understand that no one is a fool for dating a narcissist. In fact, these individuals often have a lot going for them: attractiveness, an outgoing personality, and well-cultivated social skills. The narcissist is usually well put-together, charming, intelligent, and focused on emerging in every social arena as superior. If you date a narcissist, he will work hard early in the relationship to let you know that he is an amazing catch and that he is highly desired by others. The narcissist is careful to set this dynamic up early in dating so that you know your place in the relationship: You belong in an inferior position to him, and that will not change. The narcissist can start to relax once he senses that you understand how lucky you are to be with him. (Cue the goose bumps – the toxic, scary kind).

Some traits or disorders are found more among men or women, but narcissism strikes men and women equally. A small percentage of men and women – under 5 percent – meet the criteria for full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but a much higher number of people have narcissistic traits. If you find yourself dating someone who is narcissistic, the summary version involves you feeling frustrated, angry and hurt. Check out the telltale signs below.

He loves to talk about himself.

Narcissists love talking about themselves and their accomplishments. They brag without even realizing it, and their conversations must focus far more on them than on you. A narcissist will talk at length about his day, but does not seem so interested when you talk about yours; a narcissist loves going out when she makes the plans, but she seems bored or pouty when you set the plans; the narcissist looks for comfort from you when he’s upset, but the way he comforts you when you are upset feels too quick and shallow to truly comfort you. In essence, the narcissist is simply not good at feeling empathy for you or anyone.

She loves attention and will do whatever is necessary to get it.

Narcissists are often extremely flirtatious, and relationships with narcissists usually involve frequent arguments about fidelity, jealousy, and flirtation. Narcissists need something called “narcissistic supply,” which is a psychological term that refers to the attention that fuels them. Sexual attention is one of the most basic types of attention, and narcissists try to get as much sexual attention as possible. If you date a narcissist, she may flirt with someone else right in front of you, or may show a little too much physical affection to a random person (e. g. putting an arm around the shoulder, getting “handsy”). Narcissists are famous for keeping the metaphorical door open with exes and others who show interest, as they need constant attention and reassurance that they’re desired and wanted. Sadly, narcissists are also motivated to flirt or elicit sexual attention from others as a means of solidifying their own power over the other person in the relationship. It goes like this: ‘See how much everyone wants me? Don’t forget it.’ The underlying message: Don’t forget I have more power than you in the relationship.

He can’t handle even the tiniest criticism.

Narcissists can’t tolerate the simplest whiff of criticism. Though they present an act to the world that suggests that they are completely in love with themselves, the truth is that they feel deeply insecure underneath the polished, self-loving exterior. In a relationship, two partners are bound to have the occasional problem with the other person; in a relationship with a narcissist, you simply aren’t allowed to have any problems with them at all. Narcissists desperately hang onto the belief that they are perfect, so hearing anything to the contrary must be totally blocked out and denied. If you criticize a narcissist too much, he or she will simply leave the relationship and dispose of you like an object.

She won’t take accountability when she’s wrong.

If a 24-hour hotline existed for the victims of narcissists, most calls would involve the lack of accountability. Simply put, narcissists won’t take accountability for what they’ve done that is wrong or hurtful. In an argument for example, a narcissist will say or do something but completely deny it a moment later. What’s more, narcissists often flip the negative behavior onto the other person and suggest that the other person is the one who said or did the terrible thing. To most people, this dance is confusing and crazy-making, creating the insidious doubt, Am I going crazy? Trying to get a narcissist to say they were wrong or to apologize in a heartfelt way is a losing game – it’s simply not going to happen. If you get an apology, odds are that it is issued as a means to keep the peace and get you off their back – not because they really mean it. With narcissists, the same bad behavior will keep popping up again because the narcissist’s personality is extremely resistant to change.

I pray for each of you that you don’t ever find yourself in a relationship with a narcissist. Making a relationship work with someone who is so emotionally injured and defensive is next to impossible, so why waste your time trying? There is simply no way to have a consistent or harmonious relationship with a narcissist. Because narcissists are calculating, it is often difficult to spot a narcissist at the outset. Within the first few dates, however, the narcissist will start dropping hints about his superiority. At this point, it’s your choice to decide whether you want to respond to the smoke that’s billowing around him, or passively hope for the best and sweep your instinct under the rug. My hope is that you run – and don’t walk – for the closest escape route. Your self-esteem and anxiety level will thank you later.

Dr. Seth is a licensed clinical psychologist, author, Psychology Today blogger, and TV guest expert. He practices in Los Angeles and treats a wide range of issues and disorders and specializes in relationships, parenting, and addiction. He has had extensive training in conducting couples therapy and is the author of Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve.

Are You Dating a Narcissist?

Have you ever felt distraught or found it hard to move on after dating someone who was self-centered? If so, your partner might have been a narcissist, or a person with narcissistic tendencies. Did your partner:

isolate you from your friends to maintain control over you?

make him or herself feel good by putting you down?

chip away at your self-esteem?

only give you a compliment when you were about to leave?

READ: Katy Perry's Backhanded Compliment to Rihanna

These are some of the traits of a narcissist or someone with narcissistic tendencies. Only a psychiatrist can diagnose a narcissistic personality disorder, though the broad definition of a narcissist is someone who:

expects to be recognized as superior or special, without superior accomplishments.

expects constant attention and admiration from others.

is preoccupied with thoughts and fantasies of success.

lacks the ability to empathize with the feelings of others.

In short, a narcissist is arrogant and expects special treatment — whether or not he or she does things to warrant it. If you're wondering whether your partner could have been a narcissist, it helps to know these basic traits. In this article, you will learn how to regain your confidence and put your life back on track after dating a narcissist or someone with these tendencies.

READ: Dating Red Flags: 7 Signs You Need to Run

How Did You Feel in the Relationship?

The only way narcissists can satisfy their grandiose ego and create the illusion of superiority is by putting others down. They love to play cat and mouse, establishing a pattern of putting you down so routinely that you begin to believe that they are better and more accomplished than you — and you accept being the mouse.

Says Rachel, "My ex-boyfriend was a narcissist, and I stayed with him much longer than I should have. The reason was that he gave me intermittent reinforcement. Most of the time, he was self-absorbed and obsessed with himself, alternating between feeling he was the best ever and the worst ever. Then, every so often, he would shower me with love and affection, and I would think, Oh, right, this is why I love him. But when he took the love and affection away, he was so distant, so self-involved, and I felt like the problem was me, that it was my fault."

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We understand narcissism well enough to know that if you are dating a narcissist, or someone with narcissistic tendencies, you will very likely feel unsupported and put down. Your partner will not empathize with you and will not be there for you. Narcissists expect all the attention and will steal your good ideas, making them theirs. They will almost certainly get angry when you disagree with them.

If you experience any of these feelings, you should get out of the relationship. Moving on quickly is your best bet — no question. There is lots of information available to help you figure out if you are dating a narcissist. I strongly suggest you learn what you need to know and move on. There is nothing to be gained by spending a lot of time on a person who is causing you so much grief.

While many experts focus on the narcissist, I prefer to focus on you and the lessons you need to learn so that you can let go, move on, and hopefully never repeat the experience. Before you can move on, the most important thing to understand about narcissists is that underneath their apparent self-confidence is a profound lack of self-esteem.

Narcissists do not think well of themselves, and to make themselves feel better, they choose partners who doubt themselves and their capabilities.

READ: Why You Keep Dating The Wrong Man

Let me put it this way: If you had strong self-esteem and confidence in yourself, you would not be chosen by a narcissist as a possible partner. This is because narcissists like to control and feel superior. People with healthy self-confidence who make the mistake of entering a relationship with a narcissist quickly become aware of the emotional abuse and cut the relationship short. They recognize that there is something out of balance and that it's easier to move on. Most importantly, they refuse to take the blame. Instead, knowing they are unhappy, they focus on themselves and deal confidently and quickly with a relationship that has no value.

Stop Judging Yourself

When you doubt yourself and lack confidence, you become the perfect target for a narcissist. Narcissists are appealing at first. They give the impression of strength and confidence. Their goal is to charm you and make you think it is all about you. If you weren't blinded by the attention and weren't questioning your own self-worth, you would realize a lot sooner that your date is interested in you only because you appear weak and less worthy. Of course, if you had known this in advance, you would not have entered the relationship.

To avoid entering another relationship based on your self-doubt, ask yourself: How can I take care of myself better? How can I avoid sending out signals that I need help or a savior, or lots of attention? Nip it in the bud by believing in yourself. Then you will not attract someone who spots a good potential partner because of your low self-esteem.

READ: The Text Message That Ended Katy Perry's Marriage

Some narcissistic traits, when used appropriately with personal boundaries, make for exceptional people. Ambition, motivation, even arrogance and desire for power, are good attributes when balanced with humility and not used at the expense of others. Wanting to feel powerful is a positive desire. Needing to feel powerful by putting others down is unhealthy.

The First Clue

Was there a time at the beginning of the relationship when you asked yourself, How is it possible that such a great person is choosing me? That was a good clue. Your lack of confidence was the reason you attracted a narcissist.

A colleague of mine has noticed that there is often an imbalance between narcissists and the people they date. Superficially, narcissists are exceptional people dating partners who appear much more ordinary. Such an imbalance in personality, looks, and attributes, where one is extroverted and the other introverted, sets alarm bells ringing. At bottom, the extroverted, superficially exceptional ones are that way only in their own mind. It is their prey that are the genuine ones, and often quite successful — except that in the shadow of the pretender, they disappear.

If you are overcoming dating a narcissist, remember this: You are a solid, genuine person and probably more successful than you allow yourself to believe. Narcissists are picky. They don't date just anyone. They look for successful, accomplished people who are nice enough to let the narcissist's self-created superiority overshadow them. If you have allowed a narcissist to prey on your lack of self-confidence, stop! No more downplaying who you truly are. It's time to rise to the top. The lesson here is that you are much better than you think you are. Embrace the truth and move on!

The Mirror Theory

I often suggest to my clients that every person who comes into our lives has been invited by us to show us something about ourselves.

So, assuming I'm right, if you have attracted a narcissist into your life, you may want to ask yourself how you are acting as a narcissist toward yourself. How are you neglecting yourself? How are you putting yourself down? In your own nice way, do you feel that you are better than others? Do you subconsciously put others down when you are feeling insecure about yourself? Not all the narcissistic traits may be mirrored in you. A good question to ask yourself is, What traits are the biggest problem for me, and how do I do that to myself? Then ask how you do it so subconsciously that you had to attract a narcissist to teach you a lesson.

READ: 4 Mistakes You're Making Looking For Love Online

This idea is a lot to absorb. It is what you need to shift from being a victim to owning your own journey. People who have dated a narcissist yet had the guts to move on are bruised emotionally and often collapse into being a victim. Because they are hurt, they feel even less confident of themselves, and that can lead to blaming themselves for staying in the relationship too long. They can become abusive toward themselves and actually perpetuate in themselves the narcissistic tendencies they had the courage to leave.

Moving on After Dating a Narcissist

Be a victim no more! The relationship has ended. Embrace that truth. You want to move forward, with no more abuse. Rise to the top — your top — by consciously shifting from putting yourself down to showing deep empathy for yourself. Then rebuild your self-confidence by taking an objective inventory of who you are. No cheating! No counting yourself short!

Promise yourself that from now on, you will be your own leader. You will believe in yourself and your achievements and will shower yourself with empathy. Yes, empathy, the quality totally missing from a narcissist, may just be the perfect antidote to dating one.

Monica Magnetti is a certified life/business coach, brand expert and proud YourTango expert. Monica holds multiple certifications, because life intertwines and you want an expert by your side. She has created two FREE eBooks and an MP3 download to help you live your life as the leader you are.

He’s just not that into you… but he might be really into himself.

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Most women have dated a jerk or two in their lifetime, but then there's the worst kind ever: the narcissist. Although he's part of a rare breed, you can definitely still encounter him everywhere from your professional love to your love life. We would advise avoiding him at all costs, but experts say he's not always so easy to identify.

So we talked to clinical psychologist and author of Emotional Vampires . Albert Bernstein, Ph. D, to find out how to spot a narcissist:

The nice guy on the other hand will be more reasonable about how often he compliments you and may even be subtle about it. “If you're questioning his motives, ask yourself, why is he telling me this? What does he hope to get out of this?” suggests Bernstein. Then use your best judgment based on the track record of the person. This will help you distinguish if the guy is being genuine or has an ulterior motive.

They Don’t Take No for An Answer