I’m in Love, But What Should I Do?
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Dear Lesbian Life,
The love feeling started from one evening drinking. We meet with clients for drinks and that night we almost just chatted ourselves; we had so much to say to each other; we talked about our own lives, preferences, habits etc; completely forgot the clients, the guests, and other colleagues. We’ve only know each other less than a month, but it seem like we’ve known each other for long time. She told me I am beautiful and I know she likes me. We really enjoyed that evening and left the hotel bar together. With the taxi waiting, she hugged me; but I noticed we were holding each others hands at that moment.
I Can't Stop Thinking About Her
I have never had a girl relationship; and I am not sure if she is straight or not. Do you think she feels same as me? She is so nice with me when we are out, but she is very professional at work. I don't know what to do. I feel I can't face to my partner as she is deep in my heart already. I am planning to give her a Christmas card saying wishing her happy Christmas with love. Would it be appropriate? Can I buy her a present, or would it going to embarrass her? My biggest concern is that if she doesn't like I am so close to her, it will damage our friendship.
Dear Love Stuck
My best advice to you is to just relax about all this and slow down. But I don’t want to discount your feelings.
Obviously this woman has stirred something in you and I think it’s good that you figure out what it all means. Is this love or simply a girl crush ?
There are a few issues here that really concern me:
You don't know if she is a lesbian
Even if she is a lesbian, you don't know if she's single.
The age difference
Maybe she told her son about you because she wants to fix you up with him!
You're in a relationship with someone
And this is the biggie. You work together. You could be setting yourself up for an uncomfortable situation and if you're not careful, sexual harassment charges.
Here is my advice:
Don't say you love her in the card. Don't buy her a present unless there is a tradition of everyone at the office buying each other gifts.
There is no need to rush this. Take time to get to know this woman. Saying you are in love is jumping the gun a bit. Right now it is a crush. And there's nothing wrong with that.
Get to know her more outside of work. Ask her to dinner, drinks or to take a walk at lunchtime. As you open up more and talk about past relationships, you will eventually find out if she is single and if she's ever been involved with another woman.
Notice if she reciprocates asking you to do things. This could be an indicator if she has strong feelings back toward you. Here are a few more signs to help determine if she is interested in you.
Focus on Yourself
As you're getting to know this woman, get to know yourself. Therapy might be a really good option for you right now. Figure out if you want to stay in your current relationship or not. Figure out if you are indeed lesbian or bisexual. Is this crush really about this woman, or some need in yourself that is currently unfulfilled?
Take a few deep breaths. This is a lot. You don't need to figure it out before the office Christmas party!
How to Have Sex with Coworkers and Get Laid at Work
Thursday, 14 November 2013
In the article on finding the woman you most want. a reader named Alex asks a question about having sex with the women you work with:
“ The question is about getting together with girls you work with, I am young guy, working jobs at the mall to save up for school. I feel attraction from a lot of the girls I work with, but want an idea of how to transition it into getting one on ones with them. I want it to go smoothly, because I work with them and would see them frequently. So I don't want strain working relationships, but since I'm there a good amount time, translating this environment into my dating life would be awesome. ”
Now here's a question just about every guy has - whether he's working at the mall like Alex, or in a cubicle-filled office building, or working in a school with hot young teachers, or running his own business out of a co-working space where he passes sexy secretaries every day in the hallway or anywhere else a man trades 8 or 9 hours a day for a paycheck and ends up face to face with intriguing women and intractable social dilemmas.
Chase already did a piece on flirting at work ; so if you want a more enjoyable workplace environment or to enlist your female colleagues in some engaging, sexy banter, definitely check that one out. Flirting at work is also going to be a key to our strategy for getting to more than just flirting, which I'll go into a little later on.
However, we also promised a follow-up piece on having sex with your colleagues. and getting laid at work.
This is that piece, and I'm going to tell you just how to turn your workmates into bedmates.
I've seen the question of "Should you have sex with a coworker?" a lot around the Internet, and there are two general answers that seem to come up over and over again:
Go ahead, many people meet their significant others on the job, or
While those are the two extremes - both of which can be good answers - there are many shades of gray when it comes to workplace liaisons. In this article, I intend to explore what workplace dating looks like, and how to do it so that you can meet and hook up with girls there - with minimal risk to your job.
First though, let's examine the extremes.
Do It: Many People Meet at Work
This is true. In fact, an estimated 15-20% of married couples met at work, and an even greater number of extramarital affairs (somewhere around 50%) occur with coworkers too. If you've ever worked for a company where male and female employees interacted constantly, you also know that many people are hooking up within the company.
In my experience, and from what I've heard, this is true for pretty much every company that exists. Baristas, bartenders, lawyers and retail people are generally hooking up with at least one or two coworkers throughout their time with the company.
So it's definitely happening, and very few people get in trouble for it - since everyone knows it's happening.
Which leads me to…
Don't Shit Where You Eat
Just like with "many people meet at work", there's a lot of rational in this piece advice, too.
If a relationship at the workplace goes sour, you can find yourself out of a job and humiliated in rather short order. Things can get very sticky in a small work environment, where everybody knows everybody. As in every other sphere of existence, if you put two girls in a room together, they're going to talk about who is dating whom.
The gossip mill is in full effect in small companies, and a couple missteps or poorly-played cards can ruin your reputation faster than you can say "I swear I wasn't flirting with her!"
Thus ultimately, it comes down to choice. There are good reasons to hook up at work (easy access to lots of females), and good reasons not to (picking up women outside of work usually means zero career risk).
So you have to decide if it's a game you want to play. I'm not going to tell you which decision to make; I am going to tell you how to do it smoothly in the case that you do decide to try your hand at luck and love in the workplace.
To begin with, it can be helpful to think of your company (or division) as a big social circle - because it is. People mingle and interact all day, sharing stories and being attracted to other members of the group. As such, it can be quite similar to " social circle game " in such respects.
That being said, there are a few general rules that I find quite helpful when learning how to hook up at work.
Flirt with All the Girls, But Don't Hit On Any of Them
Flirt with all of them:
The pretty ones
The not-so-pretty ones
While this runs the risk of possibly accidentally indicating interest in a woman you are not interested in, doing this correctly should maintain enough plausible deniability that you can always honestly say you did not mean to show interest in any particular girl. should she get the wrong idea.
The purpose of this, beyond being really fun, is that your reputation at work is what will make or break you. If you are the always-serious-no-fun-guy, no girls are going to care about you. If you are the always-joking-clown-guy, nobody is going to take you seriously as a person. It is important to find a good balance between serious and playful (in all of life, not just work!)
When you strike this balance well, and flirt in small spurts with all the women there, you will earn yourself a reputation as a serious guy who understands how to talk to women and have fun with them. This, by itself, will earn you serious interest from many of the girls at work. You will notice them beginning to show interest in you, and at this point, several other factors become important as well.
The most important point is to refrain from hitting on the girls who show interest in you. I know, this can be difficult when you're getting signs of interest left and right from multiple girls. You're going to get the urge to ask for numbers. ask on dates. and escalate towards isolation .
Fight that urge. Fight it with everything you've got.
If you give in to those temptations, consider the consequences. What if you get turned down? Well guess what, now the entire company is going to know that you tried to make it happen with someone and got turned down!
It's an irreconcilable blow to your reputation, because you can bet she's going to tell all her female coworkers what happened. All those flirty little signs of interest you were getting will disappear, and that's why.
Keep in mind too that sexual harassment lawsuits have become somewhat of a sport in recent years, and simply being accused of something - regardless of whether you did it - can destroy your reputation and cause the loss of your job very quickly. For this reason and the ones I listed above, do not ever make overt moves on women you work with until the two of you are alone.
Also, by making your interest in any one girl known overtly, it will be clear as day that you are "choosing" one to go for. Which leads me to…
Don't Choose One Colleague; Let Several Choose You
If you choose one coworker to have sex with, and hit on her, and things happen - now you're in an official office relationship. Everyone knows the two of you are "an item," which instantly blows your secret society cred for the rest of your time there (or at least while the same people are working there).
Sure, other girls will find you attractive because you're a challenge now, but you will not be able to act on any of that interest without sacrificing the relationship you have now.
My readers here already know I am not a huge fan of monogamy to begin with, but jumping into a fast monogamous relationship with a girl at work will peg you even more as a guy who gives away commitment too easily and does not really understand how this all works.
So instead of that, let several of them chase you .
If you pay close enough attention, and refrain from hitting on them, you will find several girls "hinting" that they want to spend more time with you, or inviting you out places (like office parties and whatnot, which can be a good place to make things happen).
Take careful note of the girls who seem to be going a little extra "distance" to communicate with you - those are your options for playing this safely .
The ones who give you an excuse to have their phone number, or want to add you on Facebook, are showing subtle interest. Facebook can be a toss up. since most people these days live on the Internet, but take note of those girls anyway as potentials.
By this point, many of the girls will be talking to each other about you. Especially if you're new at the company, you will be a hot topic on the gossip mill. The more each one talks about you - pretty much regardless of what they're saying - the more the others will become interested. That's preselection in action, and it's just how social circles work.
So now that you've fought the urge to try to "pick up" any of the girls at work, and let them chase you a little without necessarily choosing any one of them, you can move on to…
Hooking Up With a Coworker
Now, at some point, you do need to let one of these girls showing interest in you actually sleep with you. If you're aware enough of the social scene at work, choose one who is highly social and whose opinions the other girls respect .
Then blow her mind in bed. Be all about pleasing her and making it a truly incredible sexual experience that she will never forget. Keep in mind during this first pivotal hookup: you are doing this not just for the sex, but also for the story she'll tell. In a way, this first experience is going to make or break your reputation throughout your stay at the company.
If you've played your cards right and chosen wisely, she will be telling the story to all the other girls at the company. Do this right, and your pool of options will always exist at that job - even if things don't work out with one or more of them.
Once the "he's a great lover" story is being passed around, girls will be waiting for the chance to possibly get with you.
If at this point you choose to get into a relationship, that's your choice. I think there is better option, but I'm not going to tell you what to do. That being said, I believe a far better option is to stay non-exclusive throughout your stay there, allowing as many women as want you to flirt with you. This only makes sense if your goal is to hook up with a lot of girls. like I mentioned; if your goal is a relationship, then ignore the latter part of this paragraph and what's coming up next.
The best way to do this, without getting overly attached to any one girl, is to only have sex with her once a week or so at most. If you and her start hanging out every day outside of work, then you're quickly going to find yourself in a relationship. She's going to try to hang out with you a lot, if she likes you. It is up to you to either be or act busy so that no particular woman takes up all your time.
This allows you to remain aloof and in control of the frame of the relationship.
Lastly, while it is certainly possible to be hooking up with more than one girl at a time in your company, that can get complicated quickly. Instead, what I recommend is a series of short flings, spinning plates and replacing one girl at a time when another drops off your radar.
In this way, you can maximize your sexual potential in the workplace without finding yourself "owned" by that girl you fell for a little too quickly.
Play smart.
Drexel
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Developing a Friendship With People You Work With
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If you're concerned about being friends with the people you work with, relax! Developing friendships in the office is a healthy thing that can benefit both you and your employer. Office friendships have positive and negative points, and should be developed slowly and naturally.
Even when you're friends with a coworker, you should hold back on divulging too much information. Things to keep to yourself include:
Anything related to money, including salary and financial history
Sexual history
Illness or health concerns
Details of your job performance reports or reviews
As you get to know the people you work with, keep these pros and cons in mind.
Work becomes a more enjoyable place to go because you feel appreciated and cared about.
Coworkers "have your back" more than usual because they know you on a personal level. There is less chance for misunderstandings, because the people you work with get where you are coming from.
A friendlier work environment promotes more creativity. This is true whether your job is directly related to creative pursuits (advertising or art, for example), or whether you are just more creative in how you problem solve. You feel more comfortable being yourself and this allows you to think outside the box.
Having a friend at work gives you a safe way to vent your frustrations. With an outlet to release your anger, you will rebound quicker when setbacks at work occur.
Work can become an unprofessional environment. Too much chit chat and not enough focus on the job can get you and your friend in trouble.
Ironically, having a friend in the office stand up for you can garner resentment from others. Coworkers may feel that you are getting preferential treatment you don't deserve.
Getting too close with someone at work can mean they know just a little bit too much about you. Do you really want your coworkers to know about your demons or struggles?
If you think someone is your friend and it turns out not to be true, you could become the victim of sabotage or backstabbing from someone you trusted.
If you become friends with someone at work, remember to keep things professional at all times. Work comes first. It's nice to have a support system with your friend, but avoid playing favorites or spending too much time doing things unrelated to your job. If you keep these points in mind, you'll be able to search out people who can be good friends.
Most Read
If you're crushing on a colleague, you're not alone: A CareerBuilder. com survey found that 40 percent of workers have dated someone on the job during their career, proving that it's a hookup hot spot, albeit one with parameters. Just coupled up with a coworker like Glee costars Lea Michele and Cory Monteith or are thinking about making a move. Check out our advice for turning a flirtation into a potential relationship.
TESTING THE WATERS
It's a good idea to suss out whether your work crush has the hots for you too. Some tip-offs: If he starts hanging around your work space a lot or asks you to grab lunch or after-work drinks, says Stephanie Losee, coauthor of Office Mate.
You can do your own digging by jokingly saying, "Everyone thinks we're seeing each other, ha-ha. Crazy, right?" If he casts a wide grin or seems into the idea, the coast is clear to start flirting and see what happens.
AVOID GETTING BUSTED
Once you've gotten together (we know you'll get this thing moving), keep that info on the DL. "If it turns out to be a two-week fling, nobody needs to know about it," says Helaine Olen, coauthor of Office Mate. And monitor how often you bring him up. Olen says coworkers often guess something is going on when one person mentions the other too frequently. For example, "Here's that report. John helped with the graphics" or "Where'd you go for lunch? Oh, John loves that place."
But if you were chummy before, don't ignore him now — that draws more attention than the occasional friendly moments does. No matter how covert you are, people are likely to catch on, but there's no need to broadcast it.
WHEN TO COME CLEAN
Most companies are lenient about dating (except between supervisors and their subordinates), says Lois Frankel, PhD, author of Stop Sabotaging Your Career. "They recognize its ubiquity." But there may be rules about whom you have to inform and when.
If it gets serious (i. e. several months), it's wise to tell your boss—even if you don't have to—before she hears it from someone else, notes Frankel. Just say "I wanted to let you know Brad and I are dating. We'll be sure not to let it interrupt our work."
Dating
Dating is a part of human mating process whereby two people meet socially for companionship. beyond the level of friendship. or with the aim of each assessing the other's suitability as a partner in an intimate relationship or marriage. It can be a form of courtship consisting of social activities done by the couple. While the term has several meanings, it usually refers to the act of meeting and engaging in some mutually agreed upon social activity in public, together, as a couple.
History [ edit ]
Dating as an institution is a relatively recent phenomenon which has mainly emerged in the last few centuries. From the standpoint of anthropology and sociology. dating is linked with other institutions such as marriage and the family which have also been changing rapidly and which have been subject to many forces, including advances in technology and medicine. As humans have evolved from hunter-gatherers into civilized societies and more recently into modern societies, there have been substantial changes in the relationship between men and women, with perhaps the only biological constant being that both adult women and men must have sexual intercourse for human procreation to happen. [ 3 ]
Humans have been compared to other species in terms of sexual behavior. Neurobiologist Robert Sapolsky constructed a reproductive spectrum with opposite poles being tournament species. in which males compete fiercely for reproductive privileges with females, and pair bond arrangements, in which a male and female will bond for life. [ 4 ] According to Sapolsky, humans are somewhat in the middle of this spectrum, in the sense that humans form pair bonds, but there is the possibility of cheating or changing partners. [ 4 ] These species-particular behavior patterns provide a context for aspects of human reproduction. including dating. However, one particularity of the human species is that pair bonds are often formed without necessarily having the intention of reproduction. In modern times, emphasis on the institution of marriage, generally described as a male-female bond, has obscured pair bonds formed by same-sex and transsexual couples, and that many heterosexual couples also bond for life without offspring, or that often pairs that do have offspring separate. Thus, the concept of marriage is changing widely in many countries.
Historically, marriages in most societies were arranged by parents and older relatives with the goal not being love but legacy and "economic stability and political alliances", according to anthropologists. [ 5 ] Accordingly, there was little need for a temporary trial period such as dating before a permanent community-recognized union was formed between a man and a woman. While pair-bonds of varying forms were recognized by most societies as acceptable social arrangements, marriage was reserved for heterosexual pairings and had a transactional nature, where wives were in many cases a form of property being exchanged between father and husband, and who would have to serve the function of reproduction. Communities exerted pressure on people to form pair-bonds in places such as Europe ; in China. according to sociologist Tang Can, society "demanded people get married before having a sexual relationship" [ 6 ] and many societies found that some formally recognized bond between a man and a woman was the best way of rearing and educating children as well as helping to avoid conflicts and misunderstandings regarding competition for mates.
Asking A Coworker Out & More
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Yes, it's that time once again: The day we feature your dating and relationship questions. Although we would like to answer each one personally and with as much detail as possible, the overwhelming amount of inquiries forces us to highlight those that are most interesting to AskMen. com readers.
This week's Q&A is all about how to successfully pick up your hot coworker and coming up with Cocky & Funny things to say. David DeAngelo, author of Double Your Dating: What Every Man Should Know About How To Be Successful With Women . has your answers.
reader's comment
What's up Dr. Dave?
I work in a restaurant. Needless to say, there are quite a few 8s, 9s and even a few 10s working there. Approaching and talking to them is not a problem for me, but I feel I should be careful when asking one of them to join me for a beer after work. I don't want to bring any uncomfortable feelings between us (if she's not interested). What would you recommend I do and what should I say?
T, Indy
david d. responds
The first thing to remember is that when you "ask a woman out ," you immediately start a whole chain of mental and emotional events for a woman.
She has to decide if she "likes you" and if there could ever be anything between the two of you — and if she's thirsty and interested in free beer.
You get my drift.
Women know when you're asking them "out out." As in, you're asking them because you have a "romantic interest."
Guess what?
When you do this, it also puts the woman in the driver's seat in the situation because she instantly realizes that she has something you want. Have you ever heard of "wanting it tax?" It's when the price goes up the more you want it.
Now, as you probably know, I don't generally think that it's such a great idea to date women you work with because you never know what's going to happen, and the last thing you need is to lose your job or have to work for hours at a time in an uncomfortable situation.
And besides, attractive women usually have attractive friends, and if you're cool, the women you work with can lead to an endless supply of dates. Think it over.
You might want to think of it as a goose that lays golden eggs.
Even though I don't advise dating women you work with, I still want to address your basic question of asking a woman out without creating discomfort.
Remember, most guys do exactly the same things. They start talking to a woman then say: "Hey, can I take you out some time?" or "Do you have a boyfriend?"
This stuff is horrible.
It does exactly the wrong thing. It makes you look like a Wuss Boy who needs a girlfriend. And if she's not interested (which she probably won't be), then it will create some discomfort in the future.
Much better to test first, then take a small step.
If it's a woman you know, tease her, bust on her and generally act like you don't care. Make a comment about her and walk away. Be Cocky & Funny when you're with her, and don't be boring.
David D. continues his advice on asking a coworker out & more.
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