Dating for introverts

5 Quick Dating Tips For Introverts

This guest article from YourTango was written by Gerti Schoen .

Introverts often have a more difficult time with social interactions than others. This is especially true when it comes to dating. Just talking with other people can be a challenge for many introverts. It’s no surprise then that the thought of actually talking to someone who might be a future partner can send an introvert into a tailspin.

Here are a few quick dating tips for the introvert that may help.

2. Meet at places where you feel comfortable.

If you don’t like loud bars, don’t go there. Often introverts are also people-pleasers, and they will do what they think is asked of them even if they suffer. Find a place that makes you feel comfortable: a laid back coffee shop perhaps, or a park.

Also, consider taking your date out for a walk with your dog, or to meet with mutual friends. You’ll at least then have an ally who will be there for you whatever happens.

3. Avoid smooth talkers.

In a relationship, you need to be heard. If your date won’t allow you to get a word in edgewise, it’s not the right person for you.

4. Look for subtle connections.

Sometimes we get so flooded by first impressions and things to look out for, it’s difficult to just feel what it’s like to sit with this person. Do you like being there? Or does it feel crowded, overwhelming, or make you nervous? Make sure you actually enjoy hanging out with your date.

Introverts are often givers. We listen, pay attention, and want to be there for the other. Make sure you get to be on the receiving end of the equation. If you have to ask repeatedly for romantic gestures or to be included, this is what you sign up for down the road.

An Introvert's Guide to Parties and Small Talk

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Making small talk at a cocktail party. Image courtesy of stockimages / FreeDigitalPhotos. net

If you're an introvert, attending a cocktail party is probably the last thing you want to do during the holidays. But these types of gatherings are important for making and keeping friends, so don't skip them. Instead, make them work for you.

Why an Introvert Responds Differently to a Party Than an Extrovert

Extroverts generally love mingling and can be seen chatting with different people as they make their way around the room. Introverts don't enjoy this type of communication, opting instead to talk with people one on one, without the distraction of a noisy (even if it's a cheerful, happy) environment.

It's more than just preference. A study from the Frontiers in Human Neuroscience found that visual stimulation (too many faces at a party, for example) overwhelms the introvert's brain. Introverts pay more attention to detail, and a party environment provides more for the brain to process than is comfortable.

An extrovert's brain is different. Extroverts are "more likely to associate the rush of a feel-good brain chemical with the environment they are in at the time." So when they're at a party, the greater variety of people and conversations around them, the happier they feel.

Be One of the First to Arrive

Very often people arrive late to parties, so getting there on time means there will be less people there and you'll see them one by one as they arrive. This can help you find someone to chat with a little easier and will allow you to move around more comfortably than if you had to make your way through a crowd that was already engaged.

Don't Try to Be an Extrovert In Order to Survive a Party

Introverts may have been told over time to just "be more like the extroverts" in their life. But that isn't the answer to party survival. Instead, introverts need to take their strengths (one-on-one conversation, for example), and use that as a way to connect.

An introvert's tendency is to hang back along the edges of the room observing the conversations rather than participating. To make this work, watch for others who are doing the same thing. There's always one or two people who are alone briefly at a party, so approach them and use the main topics people are talking about as an ice breaker for conversation.

Or, get closer to the group so you can participate just by listening and being seen. Eventually, someone will turn to you and ask your opinion, and you can then respond to them one-on-one, even pulling them aside to talk if need be.

Embrace Small Talk

Introverts have a way of tuning out when another person chats about mundane things. While introverts generally don't like small talk. it's a good way to meet other people and find out what you both have in common. Rather than getting bored the minute someone brings up the weather, use it as a way to get to a "bigger" conversation topic.

For instance, ask the person more detail about the topic, like "I'm used to the snow because I've lived here my entire life. Are you from here?" or "I just heard it's supposed to be 70 today in Florida. That's one of my favorite vacation spots."

This little bit of detail can help you stay connected with the conversation and gets you closer to having a "real" conversation. Understand which topics are better for small talk and you'll be able to make party chatter closer to intellectual discussion.

Take a Mini-Recharge Break

A party can sap an introvert's energy, so be sure to take a small break before you feel exhausted. Go to a quiet space somewhere, whether it's a bathroom, your car, or just another room. Use this time as a way to just reconnect with your thoughts.

Even a few minutes away from the crowd can make you feel as if you're in control of your social situation, rather than being "forced" to attend the party. This change in mindset can make the experience more pleasant for you. Doing a five-minute meditation. for example, can help center yourself and clear your mind so you can go back and enjoy yourself.

Dating For Introverts

September 21, 2012 by Dr. NerdLove

I give a lot of advice on going out and meeting people that involves going out and being as social as possible, which is great if you’re naturally an outgoing person (or willing to fake it). Sure, it’s relatively simple to meet strangers at parties and bars … if you’re the sort of person who thrives on crowds. But what if you’re the sort of person who’s drained by crowds or just doesn’t like having to introduce themselves and have to make the same small-talk over and over again?

It’s an unspoken truth that our society is geared more towards the outgoing among us; being able to mingle and hop from conversation to conversation or group to group like a social butterfly on crank is a valued skill when it comes to in-person social networking. People who tend to make the most noise and attract the most visibility also tend to be the ones who get the most attention… and thus the most success when it comes to dating.

But just because you’re more introverted doesn’t mean that you’re doomed to a life alone. It doesn’t even have to be that difficult. Sometimes it just means having to change your dating strategy to play to your strengths.

What An Introvert Is / What An Introvert Isn’t

Before we talk about dating tips for introverts, it’s best to define at least some terms here… and the first and foremost is the mistaken idea that introverts are somehow shy or have social anxieties.

An introvert is – very simply – someone who’s personal energy (physical as well as mental) tends to be drained by social interaction and recharged through more solitary pursuits. Introverts tend to prefer, or even thrive in, more solitary activities rather than dealing with large groups of people. On the whole they tend to be a more reserved and less outspoken than extroverts. Some introverts prefer lower levels of stimulation and find incredibly busy venues – such as loud noisy bars or parties – to be stressful and disorienting and can be prone to overstimulation.

Someone who’s shy on the other hand tends to avoid social gatherings or interactions out of fear or anxiety. They tend to shun large groups or encounters out of a phobia while introverts tend to prefer solitary pursuits.

Behold the introvert, at his most comfortable in his natural environment…

Obviously, like many things, introversion and extroversion tend to fall on a sliding scale. Some people are just the quiet type who tend to be quiet and not speak unless they have something specific to contribute, while others are dedicated loners who’d rather avoid people as much as possible.

Introversion may be mistaken for shyness… but it can also be seen as “reserve”, the “strong, silent type” or even appealingly hidden depths. Still waters run deep, after all and there’s no reason why you can’t make that work for you. A little bit of mystery and a reputation for being observant and clever – if a little reserved – can work wonders.

Where To Meet People?

The first and seemingly most daunting challenge for an introvert is: where are the best places to meet people?

While there is value in being able to break out of one’s comfort zone on occasion, most introverts aren’t going to be comfortable with making what’s known as a cold approach: that is, approaching a complete stranger and attempting to start a conversation that hopefully leads to a relationship. If you’re not the sort of person who likes small talk or approaching strangers, what are your best options? Well, the best places are ones that not only benefit your temperament and play to your strengths… not to mention find people you’re likely to actually connect with. You’re not going to dig for oil in a city street 1 and the odds are that an introvert isn’t going to find true love at a shot bar.

“‘Come out with us!’ they said. ‘You’ll have fun,’ they said. The only reason I’m still here is to see if I can learn to set everybody’s hair on fire with my brain.”

So where do you start looking?

Online Dating

The first and most obvious answer are online dating sites. Online dating can help ease some of the pressures of trying to maintain a constant conversation; you’re able to take your time to consider what you want to say rather than trying to be clever off the cuff. You’re also better able to narrow down your field of search to specific interests or personality types rather than trying your luck with a cute random stranger at the Whole Foods or your friend’s party. If you’re a writer, then online dating even plays to your strengths; you can use your way with words to reach people more effectively than you could if you happened to approach them in person.

Now, in fairness, online dating does tend towards more extroverted behavior – after all, you do have to make the initial attempt to talk to someone (especially if you’re a guy ) and there’s a certain level of expected “getting to know you” chit-chat. However, if you’re someone who prefers to take his or her time about getting to know someone, online dating is a great way to meet people.

Taking a class, whether it be studying a new language, brushing up on an old hobby or trying a new activity like yoga is a great way to meet new and interesting people in a low-pressure, low-stress environment. A shared goal or activity gives you something you can talk about and relate to right off the bat. More interactive classes, like cooking or art courses means you’ll likely be working in smaller groups, which provides an opportunity to get to know people in a more organic, natural way rather than trying to ask the usual “interview” questions that bore all of us to tears. Social clubs can also be a great way of meeting new people in a smaller, more controlled manner.

Volunteer

Volunteering your time can help you give back to your community while also introducing you to new people at the same time. While some volunteer opportunities – such as working for political campaigns – may not necessarily be of interest to someone who tends to be more introverted, donating your time to the Red Cross, homeless shelters, your local museum or the Humane Society can be ideal. Much like with classes, volunteering gives you the means to meet and get to know someone in an organic and natural way without feeling like you’re obligated to put on a performance, as well as helping to ensure that they likely have the same goals and interests as you do.

Plus, it’s hard to be intimidated or anxious around someone who just helped you muck out the puppy kennels.

Use Your Social Circle

Being an introvert doesn’t mean that you don’t have friends; you just tend to prefer to interact with them one-on-one or in small groups. Your friends can be one of your most valuable untapped resources when it comes to meeting new people in a comfortable environment without the pressure of having to go out and approach strangers. Rather than asking to be set up on a blind date or trying to force yourself to be more outgoing at a party, try letting your friends know you’re interested in meeting some new people… so maybe they could bring another person or two they think you might get along with the next time you all go to the movies or have a Game of Thrones marathon.

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Dating Advice For Introverts

First of all, what is an introvert?

Introversion and extroversion are some of the least properly understood terms in psychology. People assume it means whether or not you like to be around people. This is overly simplistic and simply not true.

Here is the best way that I’ve heard introversion explained.

Introverts recharge when they are by themselves, and prefer less external stimulation. Extroverts recharge by being around others and prefer more external stimulation.

So are you an introvert? More than likely, you are introverted, to some extent.

If you’re still unsure, answer these simple yes or no questions:

- Do people tell me that I’m a good listener?

- Do I often think before I speak?

- Do people often describe me as easygoing or mellow?

- Do I prefer one-on-one conversations to large group conversations?

- Do I dislike small talk?

If you answered “yes” to most of these questions, you likely have a strong introvert side to you.

In western society, we live in a very extrovert-biased world. That is to say, people are rewarded on their sociability and ability to appear extroverted and boisterous.

Many introverts feel steam-rolled in this culture and have lost touch with their inherent introverted strengths. When I even mention those words, “introverted strengths,” to my introverted clients. they instantly get a puzzled look across their faces. “What’s good about being an introvert!?” It is this confusion that has compelled me to write this post.

So here are the top five ways in which your introversion can help you in your social and dating life, and how you will fair far better than your extroverted counterparts in your dating and intimate life.

Dating Advice For Introverts – Introverted Strengths

1. Rapport Building

Introverts are master rapport builders in all kinds of relationships. It is an unfortunately common misperception that introverts don’t like being around people. This is simply not true.

Introverts actually have a greater need for intimacy and depth in their relationships than their extroverted counterparts. They would much rather have a smaller social circle with greater understanding and connection with each person than have a large group of acquaintances with less emotional intimacy. Surface level communication frustrates introverts and gives them a feeling of ‘What’s the point of just chatting? We aren’t having a real conversation.”

This propensity towards deep rapport building helps introverts massively in the dating scene. Women need trust and comfort to build an emotional connection with the person that they’re interested in… and introverts deliver this in spades.

Studies have shown that introverts outperform extroverts in high-ticket sales positions because they are wired to be able to nurture longer lasting relationships with more depth and patience It is this exact trait that allows introverts to gain quick and thorough connection with people that they have just met. Introverts are also more prone to talking about certain ‘heavier’ topics such as sexuality, values, morals, and religion that many extroverts don’t have the chance to discuss because they are too often stuck in their surface-level world of small talk. The fact that introverts aren’t afraid to discuss such topics makes relationships with card-carrying introverts a true gift.

2. Ability To Listen

Few things turn women off more than going on a date with a guy that can only talk about himself. Introverts are world-class listeners. They communicate with their conversational partners like laser beams – seeing into the soul of the speaker with intuition and clarity.

Extroverted conversations have the partners stepping on each other’s toes with their words… rapid fire question and response, rambling stories, and quickly changed conversational topics. Watch a small group of introverts communicating with each other and everyone is heard equally and people are very rarely interrupted in the slightest.

3. Thoughtfulness And Caring

Introverts are more introspective and self-aware than most extroverts. It is often said that the world is made up of people who think, and people who do (introverts and extroverts respectively). The world needs both people who take action and people who are thoughtful… it keeps the world in balance. To draw an analogy, think of how one shoots an arrow from a bow. If the world were only made up of introverts, the arrow would be cocked and ready to be fired, but the shooter would always be recalibrating and aiming the arrow before it ever took flight. If the world were only extroverts, the arrows would be flying every which way but never hitting any targets. It would be absolute chaos. Thus, the world needs those who can aim, and those who can let go.

You’ve likely heard the phrase, “It’s the thought that counts.” Introverts are keenly self-aware and, due to their sensitivity to their environments, are more likely to store information about their significant other (whether on a first date or fiftieth), and therefore make their partner feel more cared for.

4. Self-Reflectiveness And Error-Correction

Another common strength among introverts is the fact that they are self-reflective and are magnificent at error correcting. From all the time introverts spend doing their internal homework, they are brilliantly adept at continually making sure that they are align with themselves and living from a congruent place. This also generally results in lower incidences of egomania because introverts are much less interested in keeping up with the Jones’s and chasing external status symbols. They value things like thoughtfulness, moral integrity, and empathy over extroverted traits like charisma, or being seen as fascinating, or socially dominant.

So how does error-correction help you in your relationship management? You’re bound to mess up at some point in your dating life. Introverts have a much easier time self-reflecting, realizing what they did wrong, and admitting to it openly. Show me a boyfriend that can admit when he was wrong, and I’ll show you his happy girlfriend.

5. Depth vs. Breadth

This is one of the biggest points in this list (and could just as easily be the #1 point). Introverts prefer depth of connection in their social and intimate lives, where extroverts are more drawn towards breadth of connections. I personally know many introverts who are passionately loyal friends to about three to five people in their lives. And to them, that’s more than enough. In fact, they set clear boundaries around their social lives and when people try to start relationships with them, they are very clear that their social lives are already “full” and that, although they appreciate the offer, they don’t have any more time for new friends. This is an element of introversion taken to a bit of an extreme case but it’s admirable nonetheless.

Whether you are serial-dating to try to find a partner, or already have one, being predisposed to building deep connections with others will help you in all of your intimate relationships for the rest of your life.

Recharge

Regardless of whether you consider yourself primarily introverted or not, everyone has at least some part of them that cherishes their alone time. If you find yourself craving some down time away from your social life or intimate relationship, have no fear. There is nothing wrong with you if you don’t want to be in the social spot light all of the time (or even half of the time).

In modern society, many people associate introversion with shyness or social awkwardness. Introversion/extroversion are completely detached from shyness/outgoingness. Many introverts love socializing, and many extroverts love to read a book by themselves on their Friday night in.

Whatever your mix, make sure you have patience with yourself, and listen to what your mind needs. Some nights you’ll want to hang out with a big group of friends, other nights you’ll want to stay in with your girlfriend and read books next to each other. In this life, for you to self-actualize and become your truest self. you will need to both think, and take action.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go read a book .

(Update: If you want to discover more dating advice for introverts, and how to effectively navigate your dating life, my new book, “The Introvert’s Guide To Dating,” was just released on Amazon Kindle. Click here to check it out. Or grab the PDF here .)

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