Dating: Dating during separation

Leslie Cane Articles

Dating Your Spouse During The Trial Separation: Tips And Advice That Might Help

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from people who are separated and trying to save their marriages. One recurring theme that often comes up is dating your spouse while separated. Many people intuitively know that this can be an important part of the process. After all, if you can regularly date your spouse again and this goes well, that’s part of rebuilding your marriage and showing your spouse that the two of you can have fun, connect again, and still have a spark on which you can and want to rebuild.

But, many couples aren’t quite sure about how to approach this. I’m often asked for insights on how to best handle dating while you’re technically in a trial separation. I recently heard from a wife who asked the questions that most people want to know. She said, in part: “are there any guidelines about dating my husband while we’re separated? Are you supposed to plan the dates or just let them happen? Can I ask him or do I have to wait until he asks me? Are there any topics that are off limits? I know that when I’m with my husband I’m going to want to ask him if he’s come to a decision or has any opinions about the chances of us getting back together. Is it a good idea to have sex on these dates or should I keep things strictly platonic in order to lure him back? What is the best way for me to handle this?”

I will try to cover these concerns and offer some tips on successfully dating during a trial separation in the following article.

If You Can, Agree On The Specifics Of The Dating Before The Separation Actually Takes Place: The optimal way to approach this is to agree with your spouse on how this is going to go before one of you actually leaves the home. So many couples leave this open ended and when they do, it’s my experience that things are less likely to go well.

If it’s possible, it’s a good idea to define how often you’re going to get together beforehand. If you both have this agreement in place, you’re both less likely to see other people or to do things during the separation that could be detrimental to your marriage. It also gives you a common goal and something to look forward to.

However, sometimes setting things up before hand isn’t possible because one spouse wants to “wait and see” or is reluctant to commit to regular dating. In this case, it’s best not to push and to take advantage of the time that you do spend together. If you get the sense that your spouse will be reluctant to commit to anything beforehand, then it’s better not to push for this and to just make things seem spontaneous (even if you were planning them all along.) It’s OK to ask your spouse out on a date. I don’t think you always have to wait for them. But make sure that you sound casual and allow them to ask the next time around.

Don’t Use Your Dates With Your Spouse As A Marriage Counseling Session: This is a very common mistake and also a very detrimental one. Many people feel as if they have to take the temperature of their marriage during these dates or they use them to “work out” their problems. In my opinion and experience, this is truly a mistake. The whole idea for these dates is to bond with your spouse again and to prove to both of you that you can get a long, have fun together, feel the spark again, and reconnect.

You make this less likely if you insist on diving into your problems when the marriage is already struggling. While I concede that you will eventually need to address any problems, the time to do so isn’t during a date that really should be fun. Many people don’t even realize that they are doing this until they look back on the date and ask themselves what went wrong.

Try To Find New And Exciting Activities That You Haven’t Experienced Before. Although It’s Tempting To Revisit The Past, Focus On The Future As Much As You Can: The vast majority of people who contact me about this issue also tell me that their date destinations are usually either the old standbys or based on attempts to evoke nostalgic memories with their spouse. They’ll take their spouse to the location of their first date or continue on with their Friday night traditions.

This is fine every once in a while. But I would suggest not always relying on what you did in the past. You want to create a sense of new adventures and fun. You want to laugh and feel very alive during this experience. Try things that you haven’t done together before and always keep everything very light hearted.

I know it’s easy to fall back on the familiar, especially when you might already be struggling emotionally during the separation, but it’s very important that the dates go well so that you both want to have more of them. So the last thing you want to do is to find yourself on the other side of the same table where you’ve always sat having the same conversations you’ve always had. Shake things up a bit. I think you’ll be happy with the results.

What About Sex During The Separation?: People ask me about this a lot. Wives in particular usually ask if it’s a good idea to limit sex when you’re separated. The thought process behind this is that if she has sex with her husband when he’s not living with her, then what is his incentive to come back home?

I understand (and usually agree somewhat) with this thinking, but I also know that this is easier said than done. And, many people see things quite differently and think that if they can have good and regular sex with their spouse during the separation, this is going to improve their relationship, strengthen their bond, and make their spouse less likely to cheat or date other people while they aren’t living in the same house.

Both of these approaches have points with which I really can’t argue. I truly think that it depends upon the couple and where they are in the separation process. I would caution you against using sex as the main way to get your spouse back. I would also say that sometimes having sex while separated can create some conflict and misunderstandings as this can mean different things to both spouses at the time. As a result, hurt feelings and resentment may follow.

I would suggest that if you’re going to have sex while you are separated, make sure that you are doing so because you want to express and share your feelings at the time, and not as a way to lure your spouse back or to play emotional games.

Unfortunately, I didn’t understand these strategies during my own separation and I did many of the things I told you not to do. This seriously backfired and meant that we almost got divorced as the result. Luckily, I realized I had to change course and shake things up a little and this eventually worked. If it helps, you can read more about that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage. com

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Dating During Divorce or Separation

Dating during divorce can have legal consequences both for the divorcing spouse and their new partner. Dating while separated can hold up and complicate the divorce proceedings, can effect custody and visitation decisions, and rarely but possibly, depending on the state, may be grounds for a lawsuit.

Effects on the Divorce

Dating while going through a divorce can have a number of negative effects on the divorce proceedings, both in court and emotionally. Additionally, while every state is now a no-fault divorce state, marital misconduct can still be considered in some situations. Marital misconduct can encompass a wide variety of actions, including adultery and cruelty. During the proceedings, the fact that a dating spouse is already separated will be noted, but that does not necessarily mean the circumstances of the new relationship will not be considered. For example, the judge might disapprove of the dating spouse's behavior and develop a bias against them. While such a bias is ostensibly unacceptable in the U. S. legal system, judges are human and biases are natural and even probable in some instances.

In addition, in some states the new relationship may be considered in the division of property or alimony determinations, so the dating spouse may not get as much as they want out of the divorce depending on the new partner's financial circumstances. This is especially true if the dating spouse begins cohabitating with their new partner during the divorce process. Some states have laws stating that a spouse cohabitating with a parter of the opposite sex is presumed to have a decreased need for spousal support.

Dating before a divorce is final is one of the typical issues that causes heightened conflict during a divorce. The other spouse, if they are not dating, may develop the idea that the dating spouse was committing adultery even if that idea hadn't surfaced before. Or, the other spouse may simply suffer anger and hurt as a result of the limited amount of time it apparently took the dating spouse to recover and move on. Either way, the other spouse may become confrontational, may become unwilling to compromise and obstinate during the proceedings, or, at best, may become cold and distrustful of the dating spouse. These feelings can cause property division to be more difficult, as well as other aspects of the divorce.

Dating and Child Custody

Dating while in the process of a divorce may also affect child custody determinations. Seeing parents date new partners is difficult for children, especially older children, and the new relationship may cause older children discomfort such that they decide residence with the other spouse would be more desirable. Although many courts don't take children's wishes into consideration, some will, especially under the circumstance where a child is uncomfortable with a parent's new partner.

When one spouse is dating, the other spouse is likely to be resistant to shared custody agreements as well. A divorce and the prospect of a new partner replacing them is often too much for a spouse to cope with, and may cause disagreements and unwillingness to come to a compromise with regard to custody arrangements. When left up to the court, the judge will make a determination as to which parent should have primary physical and legal custody based on the best interests of the children, and if there is a real or perceived discomfort with the new parter experienced by the children, it is very likely to effect the amount of time each parent and particularly the dating parent is awarded.

If the new partner makes the children feel uncomfortable, whether it has to do with the partner personally or it's related to the children feeling that the partner may be at fault or contributing to the separation and divorce, this is likely to have an effect on custody decisions made by the judge. As such, a spouse who decides to date during the separation is wise to keep the children and the new partner separate to avoid arousing these types of issues during the proceedings.

The Risk of Alienation of Affection or Criminal Conversation Lawsuits

In addition to the possible financial or custody consequences of dating while separated, you may be subject to archaic criminal statutes that make adultery a misdemeanor. This depends on your state – most states no longer consider adultery a crime, but some do.

Further, your new partner may be subject to legal action as well, especially if your relationship began before separation. In some states, the spurned spouse can sue for "alienation of affection." An alienation of affection suit is when a spouse who was cheated on sues a third party essentially for stealing the other spouse and breaking up the marriage. The cheating spouse and the third party do not necessarily even have to have a sexual relationship – in some places, a family member who convinces one spouse to leave the other might be liable for alienation of affection (though this is very uncommon).

Another, even less common, suit is one for "criminal conversation." In a criminal conversation suit, the wronged spouse again sues, but for the suit to proceed there must have been a sexual relationship. Also, the relationship must have begun prior to the married couple's separation.

Though alienation of affection and criminal conversation suits are not very common, they do exist. That's why it's so important to speak to your lawyer if you plan to or have already begun a relationship during your separation. Dating during separation may not be a big deal, depending on where you live, but it is best if you wait until your divorce is finalized.

Will I Receive Spousal Support During a Legal Separation?

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Question: Will I Receive Spousal Support During a Legal Separation?

If you are eligible for spousal support you will receive it during a legal separation. It is your legal right when filing for a legal separation to request the court grants spousal support .

Most states have laws that cover spousal support during a legal separation. These laws allow the courts to award temporary spousal support during the period of separation. The laws also outline what the court should take into consideration when granting temporary spousal support during a legal separation.

Below are things the court will consider when determining spousal support during a legal separation:

The income of both spouses.

The earning ability of both spouses.

The age of both spouses.

The physical ability to earn of both spouses.

The emotional condition of both spouses.

Any retirement benefits of the spouses.

The duration of the marriage.

The standard of living during the marriage.

The education of both spouses.

For more accurate information about how spousal support is handled during legal separation in your state, consult a local divorce attorney. Not all states recognize a legal separation and in such situations the subject is not as easily defined.

Bottom line, whether or not you receive spousal support will depend on your need for the support and your spouse's ability to pay support.

Dating

Sunday, 23 March 2014

Dating during separation

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