Dating: Dating dealing with a breakup

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Top 10 Ways of Dealing With a Break Up

Written by Staff Lovenemotions

Breaking up a relationship is extremely hard on both the person who is initiating the break-up as well as the person who is at the receiving end. Whatever the circumstances, when a break up occurs, it breaks your heart. The jilted usually carry a lot of emotional baggage while the person who asks for the break up might end up feeling mighty guilty about it. Let’s find out how you can deal with this situation.

Here are top 10 ways on how to cope with a break up:

1.) Accept the end – Once the break up happens, you need to put it behind you and cope with the negative feelings that well inside you. The most important thing is to accept it. Do not cling onto the hope that a miracle would happen and things would go back to normal. Do not hope that the break-up would be reversed by some magic and you would be back together as if nothing happened. This would make things unbearable for you. Rather, you should accept it. Accept that your relationship is over. Accept that the other person would not be there for you any more.

2.) Respect yourself – never blame yourself for a break-up. Be kind to yourself and your feelings. Do not punish yourself and do not entertain thoughts of ending your life or anything as drastic. There is life after a break up and chances are that the right person is there out looking for you just at this very moment. Don’t you want to meet that special person that God has created only for you? Respect yourself enough to give yourself another chance to be happy.

3.) Pamper yourself for a while – it hurts when you live through a break up. You need to replace the negative feelings created in your heart (and which influences every part of the body) with positive feelings. The easiest way to create positive feelings is to indulge in yourself. Do something you love – go to the movies; go for a world tour or a great tourist destination for a great vacation; treat yourself for a special body massage or beauty treatment; start a new hobby; binge of some food you love; buy some excellent jewelry; etc. Center all your attention on your pleasure for a while. Wash away your hurt by indulging yourself.

4.) Connect with your family – you will be surprised how wonderful the love of your family feels after or during a break up. You will realize how much love you are taking for granted while you are crying for the one love that is no more yours. Count your blessings in the love of your family, your close friends and renew these wonderful emotional bonds.

5.) Allow yourself to heal – do not throw yourself into new relationships immediately after a break up. Raw emotions would almost always give you the wrong reasons to forge new relationships. Look for new relationships only when you can look back on the broken one without pain. Learn from the relationship and move ahead. Do not use it as a leverage against the person who broke up with you.

6.) Forget the revenge mode – falling in and falling out of love happens. It is sad – but it happens. Accept this as a fact and do not seek revenge for being set aside for another person. Break up are usually emotionally shattering because they are interpreted as rejection. However, it is not rejection. It is a way to say that “I am not getting what I want from you.” This is fine – nothing personal. Everybody is entitled to their opinion and happiness. Respect this choice and forget revenge. When you hate or plot for revenge, you can never let go of the past. Remember, “Revenge is the confirmation of pain.” It also ties you up with the past – never allowing you to really move ahead. Do you really want that?

7.) Take up a new hobby – you might find that time lies heavy on your hands. Use that time to enjoy yourself. Read, watch TV or develop a new hobby which would occupy you and also bring you joy. You might even try to use your free time for a professional course or learning a new language. Keeping your mind occupied in creative activities is a great way to cope with a break up.

8.) Time is the best healer – understand that it takes time for you to stop feeling the hurt n your heart. Give yourself the time to heal. Do not hurry the process along as if you do, the clogged emotions would erupt one day in a harmful way. Realize that the hurt would leave you gradually just as a wound would gradually heal.

9.) Move on – aim ahead. Do all that you find possible to move on as normally as possible. Keep yourself surrounded by well-meaning friends and family with whom you could openly converse regarding your feelings. The more you are able to vocalize these feelings, the better you will be able to deal with a breakup.

10.) Everything happens for the good – understand that everything happens for the good. Use this event as a learning measure for self growth. This is just a step in your journey towards finding the true love of your life.

Here are some more tips and a different perspective on how to deal with a painful breakup

Dealing with Anger After a Breakup

It’s been ten months since my breakup, and there are still moments where I feel extremely emotional. Bouts of sorrow and missing have passed, but it feels as if the sadness has morphed into another feeling: anger. I’d like to think that anger is the last stage of mourning, before fully healing. However, I think that the anger reveals something deeper about myself that I have to face.

I am angry that I gave my heart to someone who chose to recklessly break it into pieces. I am angry that things ended so badly and tumultuously, that all the good that once existed between us has turned into memories of betrayal and pain. I am angry that I didn’t set clearer boundaries, made excuses when things didn’t feel right, and that I allowed myself to get so hurt. I am angry that I chose “wrong”.

I have realized that in my resentment, I’ve projected this anger. And in that realization, I understand that it’s not him that I’m really angry at, it is myself. I blame myself. I question how much of the life I had was real versus a story of the person I thought I was with. And in my reaction to dehumanize the object of my anger, I have forgotten compassion. Compassion for him, and compassion for myself.

I don’t know how I’m going to deal with this emotional phase. Being hard on myself has been a habit I’ve adopted since being a young girl, and remembering to be gentle and kind to myself does not come easy. The solutions oriented side of me has exhausted almost every possible activity to try to heal. From reiki, to therapy, I think I’ve tried pretty much everything short of hypnotism and witchcraft.

I usually end my blogs with some positive and hopeful message. But this time, I don’t have one. I’m still trying to figure it out, and sometimes, it feels like an overwhelming mess. I guess all I can do is try to lean in to my emotions when I feel them, and in my reactions of anger and pain, try my hardest to switch my thoughts to ones of compassion. I won’t win every time, and I’ve probably failed at this more than I have succeeded, but hopefully with more practice it will eventually become easier.

Photo credit: Jack Fussell

Dating Tips Advice Column:

Dear Dating Tips,

I am going through a break up right now, but I was the heart breaker. In fact, I've tried to end the relationship a couple of times during our time together, which was about more than a year ago. However, I remained with him to take care of him because he is not financially stable. He was without a job ever since he moved in with me, which was about a year ago. During one of our arguments, I even said that I would break up with him once he gets a job. I know money doesn't bring happiness but I'm also a college student, trying to take care of myself, too. I know financial reasons had strain on our relationship but I think that was what kept it together as well.

He was a great guy, real attentive, and he really treasured me. He made me feel like I was a goddess and he didn't deserve me. He is very reliable and always there when I need him. We couldn't stand to be apart from one another. He and I ditched the things that we love to do to be with each other.

Then things started to go down the hill ever since I returned from summer break. He started to go out more, but I would rather spend time with him at home because I had grown out of the clubbing seen. I would tell him to go out with his boys while I spend my weekend with my other roommate. Then eventually, I felt like I wasn't a part of his life and my dissatisfaction with the relationship grew. Our sex life was almost non-existent. In fact, when we would make love, I would try to force the emotion and try to make a connection.

Then winter break begins. Distance didn't help the relationship. I was tired of calling him and so I waited to hear from him. A few days later, I heard from him and was so fed up with the disconnection that I decided to break up with him. I wasn't feeling satisfied. Believe me, I made I clear to him many times before that I want to feel important, not forgotten. But my needs weren't being met.

I read your "Eight warning signs that he is going to end the relationship". #1 and #2 are my reasons and the rest are his. What is my problem? I know the relationship is not healthy for my happiness anymore, so why do I feel so much pain? Did I make a mistake? I didn't break up with him in person; it was over the mail and phone. He moved out and I haven't spoke to him ever since I returned to college.

You know what's funny? If I had received a bouquet of flowers with an apology, I would have forgiven him. I guess I might need closure, but I've always try to avoid him when I see him. He has not tried to make any contact with me directly, although he would tell my roommate to say "hi" to me. I want to see him and make it final, but at the same time, I refuse to see him because I'm afraid that I might be weak again.

Needing Closure

Dear Needing Closure,

Thousands of people are dealing with issues of pain involving breakups on a daily basis. And many of these are even the people who instigated the breakup. It is possible to make a strong connection with someone, but not be able to take that connection to the next level due to other circumstances within the relationship. And this causes great difficulty because when you sever the relationship, you are severing the connection. Anytime a close connection is broke, it's painful.

Your story reminds me of the song and music video "White Flag" by Dido. Listen to it and you'll know exactly what I mean.

You obviously still have feelings for this person and that is normal. It takes some people years to get over a breakup. When you form a connection with someone, that connection becomes a part of you. So when that connection is severed, it takes time to get accustomed to being without it.

You've acknowledged a couple of important things about the relationship you had:

1) You didn't feel satisfied.

2) You know the relationship is not healthy for you.

Going back into a relationship with this person likely won't change either point you made. People don't change. And that's why saying goodbye is sometimes the only option, even though the pain of saying goodbye may last for years.

That brings us to the topic of closure.

I once dated a wonderful woman and we had an absolutely great connection. However, like with your situation, there were things within the relationship that prevented it from moving to the next level. The breakup was very hard on both of us.

Nearly two years after the relationship had ended, I received a phone call from this person. She wanted to see me. I agreed. We met and had a good conversation, but that was it. She had just been proposed to and needed to see me one last time in order to bring closure to our past together. At the end of our meeting she gave me a strong hug that lasted for over a minute. That's all she needed to say her final goodbye and move on to a new chapter of her life.

If you feel you need closure then go ahead and request a meeting in order to bring that closure you need and to say your final goodbye. When you're done, move on with your life. Yes, you'll still think of him because deep down there is still something there. That is normal. But the closure may help you move on.

Once you have closure, start to lead a more active life. You may consider volunteering for a good cause. Keeping your life busy keeps your mind busy. In addition, you may meet a great guy in the process. If you're ready to get back into the dating scene, there's no better way to meet another than online dating. And once you've found that gem, cultivate the relationship. Look for someone that will appreciate you always and be sure to show your appreciation to that person. Best of luck to you.

The Dating Tipster

For more thoughts on breaking up, read the following past Dating Tips Advice Column post:

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Dealing With A Breakup: 7 Healthy Ways To Cope With Post-Split Stress

Whether the relationship lasted three weeks or three years, breakups can leave us feeling heartbroken, lost and even physically ill. While there's no magic formula to do away with the pain of a split, having healthy coping mechanisms in place is essential to getting over your ex and moving on with strength and grace.

Ending a relationship has very real effects on the mind and body: A 2010 Northwestern study found that breakups cloud our sense of self -- and the more serious things were with your ex, the more of an identity crisis you're likely to experience.

"Even if the relationship wasn't great, you're still starting at ground zero," Sheri Meyers. marriage therapist and author of "Chatting or Cheating" told the Hufington Post. "The first thing you need to anticipate, no matter where you are in the process, is that there is a grieving [period]. There is a sense of abandonment, there is a sense of terror about the future, there is disappointment. There is a process of going from we back to me ."

Treating yourself well during the post-breakup period -- whether you initiated the split or were on the receiving end -- is a must. While it's true that time heals all emotional wounds, you can speed up the process of moving on by taking control over your health and well-being.

To help you on your way, we've rounded up seven simple, expert-approved strategies for coping with breakup stress:

1. Write Or Talk It Out.

Although suppressing unpleasant feelings is a natural impulse, avoiding your emotions will ultimately prevent you from moving past them. There are so many emotions involved in a breakup -- anger, sadness, loneliness, feelings of rejection and uncertainty about the future -- and it's essential to confront them head-on. Particularly in the early stages of a breakup, try let yourself feel what you feel, without judgment. Writing out your thoughts in a journal, having a good cry, or talking to a therapist can help you process and gain the clarity you need to see why the relationship didn't work -- and why you'll be better off without your former partner.

"You've gotta feel," says Meyers. "If you feel like crying, cry. If you're pushing your feelings down, they're just going to make you calloused or afraid."

2. Take Care Of Your Body.

Going on a "breakup diet" may sound like a good idea -- we often think of looking our best as a way to get revenge on an ex -- but it can easily become a way to punish yourself, reinforcing feelings of rejection. (Not to mention encouraging you to develop an unhealthy relationship with food.) Instead of restricting calories, eat nourishing whole foods that are high in fiber, protein and nutrients to boost your mood and energy. A balanced diet with plenty of fresh fruits, greens and stress-busting superfoods can help counteract the physiological stress of the breakup, says Meyers.

Another important thing, Meyers notes, is to avoid mindless eating and try not to turn food as a coping mechanism. Don't worry about indulging a little, but try not to keep too much junk food around, as foods that are high in fat, sugar and salt can actually contribute to higher levels of the stress hormone cortisol.

3. Get Active (But Don't Over-Exercise)

Getting your endorphins pumping through cardio exercise is often prescribed as a way to get over a breakup, and for good reason: Going for a run or hitting the elliptical can lower your stress levels. improve cognitive functioning and boost your mood -- in addition to providing a healthy distraction from your worries. Even if exercising is the last thing you want to do, the act of simply getting out of your head and focusing your awareness on your body can be helpful.

"After a breakup, we tend to want to sit and cuddle and huddle and cry, and talk to our girlfriends and feel bad about ourselves," says Meyers. "So getting out and moving is really essential because it's almost the opposite of what we feel like doing, which is shutting down and feeling sorry for ourselves."

But be wary of over-exercising: Like over-eating or excessively dieting, exercise can become a compulsive behavior. Get active in a way that you enjoy and that doesn't feel like a punishment, whether it's early-morning jogs in the park, zumba or hot yoga -- all the better when accompanied by friends.

4. Remind Yourself Of All The Great Things In Your Life.

"It's so easy to see the loss as everything, and then it starts overwhelming the good in all of your life," says Meyers.

Painful breakups can cloud your thinking so that it's almost impossible to look beyond the immediate feelings of pain and loss. You may have trouble remembering all the things you appreciate because you're so focused on the negative. Practicing gratitude can help to even out your moods and get you get back into a more positive headspace. Studies have shown that listing things you're thankful for can boost your well-being and brighten your outlook on life.

Meyers suggests keeping a gratitude journal to help turn your attention to the positive. You may initially have to force yourself to think of things you're grateful for, but as you repeat the process, the bad won't feel so all-consuming anymore. (And you might find yourself feeling thankful that you no longer have to deal with your ex's bad habits!)

5. Do Things YOU Love.

After a bad breakup, it's hard to get excited about the things you loved pre-split -- but the only way to start enjoying yourself again is to force yourself to get out and do them anyway. Treat yourself to something that make you feel good, whether it's a cup of coffee with a friend or a massage. Self-care is essential to the healing process, and doing things that make you smile can help you heal, says Meyers.

Try going to the movies to check out a new comedy or inviting your friends over to marathon-watch "Arrested Development": Laughing has been shown to boost mood and improve overall health, and the support of your friends will help ease feelings of loneliness and isolation.

"Laughter helps us speed up healing, both emotionally and physically," says Meyers.

6. Try An 'Obsession Diet.'

Obsessing is a natural reaction to the end of a relationship -- but only for so long. Most of us have had to deal with a friend who can't talk about anything but her ex for months after the breakup, and it's not pretty. You don't want to get to the point where your BFFs have to stage a friend-tervention to get you off the couch and out into the single world. To push yourself past the "constant agonizing" stage, Meyers recommends putting yourself on an "obsession diet" (not to be confused with the aforementioned, and unadvisable, breakup diet). For five minutes per hour, she explains, you can obsess, write and indulge in self-pity all you want.

"But when the timer goes off -- enough," she says. "You have to wait for the next hour."

The next day, reduce the time to four minutes, then three minutes, and so on.

"It's giving yourself permission," says Meyers. "If you're trying to break the habit of thinking about your partner, giving yourself five minutes a day helps you to realize that you can control your thinking. It's a way to channel the urge and also feel the sense of control."

Performing acts of kindness towards others has been shown to improve well-being and help relieve depression. Giving back can be a powerful way to "rechannel the love," as Meyers puts it, that was previously funneled into the relationship.

"Do something where you are helping others, because that gives you a sense of empowerment and it's also opening your heart," she says.

What are your best post-breakup tips? Let us know in the comments or tweet @HuffPostWomen .

Dating

Friday 21 March 2014

Dating dealing with a breakup

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