Dating a younger man

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Younger Women Dating Older Men May Not Foresee Consequences

"True love can be ageless," declared actor Doug Hutchison, 51, an actor who starred in the television series "Lost," when he announced his May marriage to Courtney Alexis Stodden, a 16-year-old beauty pageant queen turned aspiring country star.

A few weeks later, The New York Times ' June 16th Vows column featured the wedding of Christopher Cox, 32, the grandson of Richard Nixon and former campaign aid to John McCain, to Andrea Catsimatidis, whom he met when she was a senior at an Upper East Side high school. He was speaking at the school.

From R. Kelly's rumored romance with 15-year-old singer Aaliyah to rocker Ted Nugent falling for 17-year-old Pele Massa in 1978 -- and becoming her legal guardian because she was too young to marry him -- relationships between older men and younger girls never fail to make us squirm.

This squeamishness is understandable: Hutchison is nearly old enough to be Stodden's grandfather. In 12 U. S. states, a person can't legally consent to sex until age 17, and individuals under 18 years old must have a parent's permission to marry in all states except Nebraska, where the legal marriage age is 19.

Of course, men have paired up with younger women -- often much younger women -- for all of human history. That pairing may even make biological sense. Neuropsychiatrist Dr. LouAnn Brizendine, who has written about brain development in males and females, says that girls' brains are as much as two years ahead of boys' during puberty and that boys may not even catch up to girls until late adolescence or their early 20s, so a few year between partners can -- and often does -- make for a compatible match.

Marriage aside, the 2002 National Survey of Family Growth, conducted by the National Center for Health Statistics, found that a significant number of girls lose their virginity to older partners. Some 16 percent of girls had sex with male partners who were 4-6 years older and 11 percent had partners that were 7 or more years older. According to the NCHS's William Mosher, the average age for first-time sex for women is between 16 and 17.

What's different about the Hutchinson-Stodden marriage and the Cox-Catsimatidis wedding is that the grooms were willing to enter so publicly into relationships with teenagers, with the apparent approval of their brides' parents. Catsimatidis, who is now 21, told The New York Times that her father "wouldn't have given me up to anyone else," while Stodden's mother Krista was quoted as saying. "We are totally supportive of this marriage. Doug is a wonderful man and we love him."

While an age disparity like the 35 years between Hutchison and Stodden is by no means the norm, the recent openness around relationships involving huge age gaps -- especially the Times ' willingness to feature the Cox and Castimatidis nuptials -- suggests that they may be becoming less stigmatized.

But should they? How does entering into a relationship with an older man before turning 18 -- or even 20 -- affect the young woman involved?

"When you start stretching decades and you're talking about young girls, under 19 or so, it's probably problematic," said Dr. Lee Cohen, a child and adolescent psychiatrist who is based in New York. "It's probably not healthy, or not the most 'normal' relationship.

"Based on 29 years of practice," Lee added, "I don't think you could be that mature at 17. You're still a kid."

According to Dr. Mani Pavuluri, director of the Pediatric Brain Research and Intervention Center and professor of psychiatry at the University of Illinois Chicago, teenage brains are still in the process of developing until age 19 or 20.

Before that, teens' "ability to consider and use judgment is still maturing," Pavuluri said, adding that peer pressure can further impact the impulsiveness of teenagers' choices. Although adolescents know right from wrong and understand consequences, she explained, "their ability to carefully consider these matters is somewhat limited relative to adults."

Sexual relationships and marriages between adult men and adolescent girls have very been common historically and continue to be in many other cultures. But experts seem to agree that in contemporary American society the potential harm to a young woman depends on both on her age and how big the age gap is with her partner.

While several psychiatrists cautioned against judging relationships like Cox and Catsimatidis' without knowing the specifics and what each partner is bringing to the table psychologically, studies show that there can be long-term emotional repercussions for teen girls who have sex with older men.

Dr. Ann Meier, a professor of sociology at the University of Minnesota, studied data from the National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health and found that compared to teen girls with a same-aged partner, girls in 7th through 12th grades who had sex with a partner more than one year older had higher levels of subsequent depression and lower levels of self-esteem.

"If they're with a male who has more power and status," because he is older, "this might make it harder for young women to say, 'No I don’t want to have sex,'" Meier said.

There can be physical consequences for young women in these sexual relationships, too. Child Trends, a non-profit organization in Washington, D. C. has looked at contraceptive use amongst teen girls and found that those dating men who are 3 to 4 years older are at higher risk of STD and pregnancy than those having sex with boys their own age.

"Even if the girl would prefer to be using some type of contraceptive, she's less likely to do so if the guy has more power in the relationship," said Jennifer Manlove, a senior research scientist with the organization. As the age gap increases, Manlove explained, the likelihood of using contraceptives decreases.

Judy Prays, a 24-year-old graduate student living in Atlanta, dated older men from the time she was 16 -- intentionally. To this day, she said, she has no regrets.

"I thought it was so romantic and glamorous and adventurous," she said. "I wasn't interested in having any power. I was interested in the other person being in control of everything, being the smarter one, the stronger one. I was interested in letting them drive."

Prays said she never felt any of the men she dated were manipulating her and added that sex was not the focus. She argued that these relationships are too harshly criticized. For her, they were positive experiences -- she even saw the potential for marriage with some of the men.

For many women, though, these relationships look very different in hindsight. In 1999, Lynn Philips conducted a well-known study for Planned Parenthood in which she interviewed teenage girls mostly between the ages of 14 to 17 who were involved with men ages 21 to 29. Philips, a social and developmental psychologist and professor of Communication at the University of Massachusetts, also interviewed adult women who had engaged in similar relationships when they were teens.

The teenagers didn't believe they were being exploited, and no one reported feeling like a victim. Among the perceived benefits of their relationships were admiration from their peers and their partner's material assets. The girls stressed the emotional pluses even more, saying that their older partners were more considerate of their feelings and made them feel special. They believed their partners would be more faithful than boys their own age because older men were finished "sowing their oats."

"They really give adult men far too much credit," Philips said. "The irony is they find out after the fact that these men were 'sowing their wild oats' with them."

Older women interviewed about the relationships they had as teens felt quite differently.

"They had very little good to say at all when they were older: many were angry, really angry," Philips said. "They were pretty much disgusted."

Philips argued that individual needy girls and exploitative men are not the only factors driving these relationships.

"From music videos, to porn, to Disney, this is all sits within this bigger cultural context of media images and cultural messages that absolutely eroticize and hyper-sexualize teen girls," she said. "As much as we say we're appalled by [these relationships] and concerned by them, there are things out there in the culture that make this happen."

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Men Aren’t That Deep

Benefits to Dating an Older Guy

Recently I was talking to a girl in her early twenties and listening to her dating woes. She has her heart set on this one little college boy who will make out with her and then never call. She’s sure he’s “the one” even though the only time he’s coming around is if she’s putting out and she can’t quite figure that out yet.

She mentioned another guy who had recently shown interest in her but she said he was 25. When I asked what the problem was, she said (with a disgusted look on her face) “Ew, he’s old !”

Now, as a man who has just recently strolled past his mid-30’s, I don’t think I’m old. I know for certain that 25 isn’t old. And yet here was this little 21 year old telling me how turned off she was by this “old man” who had hit on her. Well, for all you “little girls” out there who can’t move beyond the little boys and into the real men, here’s what you’re missing out on:

1. No “little boy” games. If you get your kicks off the “we’re dating/no we’re not” daily roller coaster ride, then you don’t want an older guy. Men in their 30’s usually have enough experience to know ahead of time what they like and don’t. If it’s going to be purely physical, most of the time we’re beyond the point of stringing you along forever to get you in bed. The clock’s ticking and we know it, so if they just want sex and you aren’t easy prey, they’ll move on.

On the other hand, if they continue to show interest in you, you can judge their sincerity. Most thirty-somethings and above are beyond the crap and can show genuine interest in a woman because we’re looking for something more.

2. The future is mapped out. When you’re dating a 22 year old boy who says he wants to be a rock star, that’s cute. You might date him and tell your friends he’s going to be the next Justin Timberlake or whatever. You have no way of knowing if he’s serious or not. Unfortunately, it may take you 8 years to figure out he’s not going to actually ever get famous, and by that time you’ve invested so much time into the relationship you can’t move on.

On the other hand, a man in his mid-30’s knows where he’s going and how he wants to get there. If he says he’s going to own his own business, then if he’s not well on his way you can count him out. He has either gone to college and done something with his degree, or might possibly be in college getting a degree to better himself. Most of our dreams are dead by 35 as cold, hard reality has set in. We know that the only way to actually accomplish anything in life is to apply ourselves and make that happen. You can look at this man and know ahead of time what your future together will probably be.

3. We take our time. Understand something, a man in his mid-30’s no longer notches the bed post (for the most part). He’s looking for a relationship, and when the intimacy begins he’s in no hurry to finish it. Sports are great, and the stock market is interesting, but when cloth leaves skin the focus change s. There’s a reason why James Bond is always played by a man in his late 30’s, you know.

We know where the “hot spots” are. We actually know about foreplay. We are looking for an earth-shattering hour. We are not some college frat boy who is going to slam it home and then go grab a brew. You never know…you might actually get something out of the experience rather than hoping you can catch up before your boyfriend ends the show.

4. We respect you. This one is interesting. You can take it or leave it and we don’t care. We’ve been with enough losers to understand a psychochick when we see her, and we can usually see those warning signs long before they arrive. If we show interest in you, and you reciprocate, we’re going to try and make this work. We will actually listen when you talk, and can possibly even remember things you like. We aren’t sitting there while you’re speaking thinking, “Chick, shut up and get naked!” (well, I mean, we might be–we aren’t dead after all–but we’re still going to listen). We’re not going to talk about your exploits to our buddies, or post private pictures of you on the Internet, or forget your phone number after we make out. We’re beyond the games, and ready for something serious.

And finally…

5. We’re mature (for the most part). Look, women are more mature than men most of the time, and I can readily accept and acknowledge this. So when you find an older man, you are finding someone who just might be your equal in maturity. You both might have similar goals in the relationship, and by that time in a man’s life he’s probably got similar goals as far as a family goes too. Your pretty boy college boyfriend might not want kids because he’s afraid it’ll cut into his fun with his buddies, while an older man is ready for kids and could actually end up being a father who actually participates in raising the kids.

I have a friend who is 43 and just married a girl who is 25. She’s head-over-heels in love with him, and vice versa. Their age difference has caused quite a few people to raise their eyebrows, but when I see them together I don’t notice anything besides the fact that they are obviously made for each other.

So hey, next time you’re considering a guy to date, don’t automatically take him out of the running because he’s a few years older than you. You might not appreciate the difference now, but it just might make all the difference for a successful relationship in the long run.

The Private Man

A Potential Online Dating Profile Photo Experiment

UPDATE – This photo is now the primary photo of my Plenty of Fish online dating profile (link in the blog post). Expect updates. This could get interesting.

I do not own that gun. This photo of me holding the assault rifle (FN-FAL) was the result of a visiting friend who brought over the fearsome firearm so as to show it to me. That was the first time I’ve ever held such a weapon and the big smile was the result of the sheer novelty.

Yes, I’ve fired guns in the past – on a gun range – but I am not an owner of such hardware. I would rather spend my money on other things. As well, I have little opinion about the politics surrounding firearms but I do understand the passion that both sides have regarding gun control legislation. My own enthusiasm will always be that of providing men and women with truthful advice about attraction and dating.

What some folks might notice – aside from the large assault rifle I’m clutching – is the ring on the fourth finger of my left hand, the traditional position for a wedding ring. The ring is the result of my trip to DragonCon last year where I helped a friend with her exhibitor booth as she sold jewelry and those ultra-cool stainless steel rings (photos at the end of this blog post). I helped with the ring sales by putting in words and numbers on the outside of the ring by using a hammer and punch. I felt like Thor but on a much smaller scale. I have lots of those rings now and I wear them on any particular finger when my mood suits me, I sometimes wear several rings at once (pea-cocking?).

That very spur-of-the-moment photo provides a very unique opportunity for an online dating profile experiment. I have a mostly inactive online dating account on Plenty of Fish (PoF). I’ve not done any recent online dating mostly because of events related to health and pavement. But the profile is still out there. Wow, I just made that profile public.

I have the option to make the gun photo my primary profile photo and see what the response will be. Should I do this, here are my predictions:

PoF receives complaints and my account is banned because, you know, assault rifle. Again, I’m not political about this issue but I’m curious how a photo with this type of weapon will be received.

PoF receives complaints and my account is banned because, you know, “wedding” ring.

Women respond favorably to the gun photo and their attraction for me goes way up yet they don’t notice the ring. Because, you know, assault rifle.

Women respond favorably to the gun photo and their attraction for me goes way up but they do notice the ring. Because, you know, “wedding” ring.

So, readers, what say you? Should I make the infamous gun and ring photo my primary online dating profile photo? Perhaps hilarity would ensue. Granted, I am a shockingly handsome fellow so the girlies will, of course, respond to that. I am just wondering how these “accessories” will impact my online dating experience.

This is me in my friend’s DragonCon exhibitor booth. I am definitely looking awesome in that fine kilt and sporran.

This is the ring set up where I pretended to be Thor. We sold a shitload of those things and I got to work out my aggressions. Danny would be proud.

[If you want to buy a ring, let me know. I can have any combination of words and letters punched on the outside of the ring. The number of characters is limited by the ring size and there is only one font. There are four different styles available. Contact me for more details. Seriously, these are cool rings and only $20 a pop plus shipping and handling.]

Online dating is the crucible of real attraction ‘twixt the sexes and it’s away from the prying eyes of political correctness. It is the behind the scenes action that reveals the true motivations of men and women alike. Read online dating profiles and be informed.

P. S. – Don’t forget to donate. Thanks!

Dating

Dating is a part of human mating process whereby two people meet socially for companionship. beyond the level of friendship. or with the aim of each assessing the other's suitability as a partner in an intimate relationship or marriage. It can be a form of courtship consisting of social activities done by the couple. While the term has several meanings, it usually refers to the act of meeting and engaging in some mutually agreed upon social activity in public, together, as a couple.

History [ edit ]

Dating as an institution is a relatively recent phenomenon which has mainly emerged in the last few centuries. From the standpoint of anthropology and sociology. dating is linked with other institutions such as marriage and the family which have also been changing rapidly and which have been subject to many forces, including advances in technology and medicine. As humans have evolved from hunter-gatherers into civilized societies and more recently into modern societies, there have been substantial changes in the relationship between men and women, with perhaps the only biological constant being that both adult women and men must have sexual intercourse for human procreation to happen. [ 3 ]

Humans have been compared to other species in terms of sexual behavior. Neurobiologist Robert Sapolsky constructed a reproductive spectrum with opposite poles being tournament species. in which males compete fiercely for reproductive privileges with females, and pair bond arrangements, in which a male and female will bond for life. [ 4 ] According to Sapolsky, humans are somewhat in the middle of this spectrum, in the sense that humans form pair bonds, but there is the possibility of cheating or changing partners. [ 4 ] These species-particular behavior patterns provide a context for aspects of human reproduction. including dating. However, one particularity of the human species is that pair bonds are often formed without necessarily having the intention of reproduction. In modern times, emphasis on the institution of marriage, generally described as a male-female bond, has obscured pair bonds formed by same-sex and transsexual couples, and that many heterosexual couples also bond for life without offspring, or that often pairs that do have offspring separate. Thus, the concept of marriage is changing widely in many countries.

Historically, marriages in most societies were arranged by parents and older relatives with the goal not being love but legacy and "economic stability and political alliances", according to anthropologists. [ 5 ] Accordingly, there was little need for a temporary trial period such as dating before a permanent community-recognized union was formed between a man and a woman. While pair-bonds of varying forms were recognized by most societies as acceptable social arrangements, marriage was reserved for heterosexual pairings and had a transactional nature, where wives were in many cases a form of property being exchanged between father and husband, and who would have to serve the function of reproduction. Communities exerted pressure on people to form pair-bonds in places such as Europe ; in China. according to sociologist Tang Can, society "demanded people get married before having a sexual relationship" [ 6 ] and many societies found that some formally recognized bond between a man and a woman was the best way of rearing and educating children as well as helping to avoid conflicts and misunderstandings regarding competition for mates.