Dating over 40

8 Dating Turnoffs Men Over 50 Should Stop Doing

Here's a heads up for the post 50 single men out there. We ladies are so excited when you choose us as the "girl" you want to meet. Hours before our date with you, we are worrying whether you'll like us. Our bedroom floor is littered with clothes as we look for just the perfect outfit to impress you. We do our best to look good, hoping the two of us click. Then the date happens and sometimes we're bewildered by who we meet.

1. Gentlemen, please dress like you care about yourself. You don't have to wear a suit to impress us but it would be nice if you didn't wear your baggiest jeans and a stained shirt. You may be losing weight but there are a zillion discount stores out there that will gladly sell you a nice pair of jeans and a polo style shirt for less than $50. It's worth the investment if you want to get a second date with us.

2. Women are really turned off and have no interest in kissing your bad teeth or skimming their lips over visible skin tags on your neck. Aging takes its toll on all of us physically, but don't let that be an excuse for being sloppy. You may be the greatest guy on the planet with the most sensual lips but if your teeth are missing or your skin has developed tags, then I guarantee you're getting passed over for an issue that can be easily fixed with a quick visit to your doctor or dentist.

3. Please choose a picture that looks like you for your online dating profile. A friend recently had a date with a man who was 100 pounds heavier than his online picture revealed. She got to the restaurant and was unable to identify her date. She resorted to calling him, figuring the guy who picked his phone up was her date. Show us who you really are. Doing a bait and switch with your pictures, hoping we'll like you in person only makes us wonder what else you're hiding.

4. Please don't start our date by telling us gross stories like your dog has fleas, especially if we've hugged you. A client of mine actually had this happen. There's no way we want to expose ourselves to situations that might be contagious. If anything, we'll want to leave so we can go home and fumigate our clothes. Yuck!

5. If you ask us out for a first date, please pay. We're happy to share the bill with you at a later date but whoever does the asking should be the one pulling their wallet out. Please don't ask us out if you can't even afford a cup of coffee. Get your financial situation straightened out before dating.

6. We know if you like us, you want to impress us with all you do and have. You drone on and on about all the great things in your life, even showing us pictures of your house, your car, your landscaping and your dog. We want to get to know you, but a one-way monologue is boring. We were taught as little girls to make you feel good so we listen. Most of us are not sure where to interject without appearing rude. It would be so helpful if you asked us questions too. Dialogue is much more fun!

7. Men, as you've aged you've become far more passionate in your political views. Many a woman has been forced to listen to you pontificate about the world and how you feel it should be run. There's nothing wrong with sharing your views. Just don't lecture us for an hour and then expect us to go out with you again. After 10 minutes, you've totally turned us off.

8. Lastly, please don't stick your tongue down our throats at the end of a first date when you like us. A gentle kiss feels so much nicer. Women are far more into romantic love and a slow gentle kiss will make us want you more. The tongue thrust makes us think you're at best overly aggressive and at worst a creep.

Okay, over 50's men out there, this was tough on you. My next article will be the biggest things women do to turn you off. If fact, feel free to make suggestions for what I should include in the comments.

In the meantime, if you really want to impress a woman consider keeping these eight turnoffs out of your dating repertoire. You'll have far better luck finding the woman of your dreams when you do.

Find out more about Lisa Copeland at www. FindAQualityMan. com .

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Hector, 2014-02-09

Thank you so much for my first ever online dating experience. Stressful for a beginner at the start of my sub, but I have enjoyed it very much, and has changed my perception about online dating

Online dating service

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Online dating ( OD ) or Internet dating is a personal introductory system whereby individuals can find and contact each other over the Internet to arrange a date. usually with the objective of developing a personal, romantic, or sexual relationship. Online dating services usually provide unmoderated matchmaking over the Internet. through the use of personal computers or cell phones. Users of an online dating service would usually provide personal information, to enable them to search the service provider's database for other individuals. Members use criteria other members set, such as age range, gender and location.

Online dating sites use market metaphors to match people. Match Metaphors are conceptual frameworks that allow individuals to make sense of new concepts by drawing upon familiar experiences and frame-works. This metaphor of the marketplace – a place where people go to “shop” for potential romantic partners and to “sell” themselves in hopes of creating a successful romantic relationship – is highlighted by the layout and functionality of online dating websites. The marketplace metaphor may also resonate with participants’ conceptual orientation towards the process of? nding a romantic partner. [ 1 ] Most sites allow members to upload photos or videos of themselves and browse the photos and videos of others. Sites may offer additional services, such as webcasts. online chat. telephone chat (VOIP ), and message boards. Some sites provide free registration, but may offer services which require a monthly fee. Other sites depend on advertising for their revenue. Some sites such as OKCupid, Plenty of Fish and Badoo are free and offer additional paid services in a freemium revenue model. [ 2 ]

Some sites are broad-based, with members coming from a variety of backgrounds looking for different types of relationships. Other sites are more specific, based on the type of members, interests, location, or relationship desired. A 2005 study of data collected by the Pew Internet & American Life Project found that individuals are more likely to use an online dating service if they use the internet for a greater amount of tasks and less likely to use such a service if they are trusting of others. [ 3 ]

Radiometric dating

Radiometric dating (often called radioactive dating ) is a technique used to date materials such as rocks or carbon, usually based on a comparison between the observed abundance of a naturally occurring radioactive isotope and its decay products, using known decay rates. [ 1 ] The use of radiometric dating was first published in 1907 by Bertram Boltwood [ 2 ] and is now the principal source of information about the absolute age of rocks and other geological features, including the age of the Earth itself, and can be used to date a wide range of natural and man-made materials. Together with stratigraphic principles. radiometric dating methods are used in geochronology to establish the geological time scale. [ 3 ] Among the best-known techniques are radiocarbon dating. potassium-argon dating and uranium-lead dating. By allowing the establishment of geological timescales, it provides a significant source of information about the ages of fossils and the deduced rates of evolutionary change. Radiometric dating is also used to date archaeological materials, including ancient artifacts.

Different methods of radiometric dating vary in the timescale over which they are accurate and the materials to which they can be applied.

Radioactive decay [ edit ]

Example of a radioactive decay chain from lead-212 ( 212 Pb) to lead-208 ( 208 Pb). Each parent nuclide spontaneously decays into a daughter nuclide (the decay product ) via an ? decay or a ? ? decay. The final decay product, lead-208 ( 208 Pb), is stable and can no longer undergo spontaneous radioactive decay.

All ordinary matter is made up of combinations of chemical elements. each with its own atomic number. indicating the number of protons in the atomic nucleus. Additionally, elements may exist in different isotopes. with each isotope of an element differing in the number of neutrons in the nucleus. A particular isotope of a particular element is called a nuclide. Some nuclides are inherently unstable. That is, at some point in time, an atom of such a nuclide will undergo radioactive decay and spontaneously transform into a different nuclide. This transformation may be accomplished in a number of different ways, including alpha decay (emission of alpha particles ) and beta decay (electron emission, positron emission, or electron capture ). Another possibility is spontaneous fission into two or more nuclides.

For most radioactive nuclides, the half-life depends solely on nuclear properties and is essentially a constant. It is not affected by external factors such as temperature. pressure. chemical environment, or presence of a magnetic or electric field. [ 4 ] [ 5 ] [ 6 ] The only exceptions are nuclides that decay by the process of electron capture. such as beryllium-7. strontium-85. and zirconium-89. whose decay rate may be affected by local electron density. For all other nuclides, the proportion of the original nuclide to its decay products changes in a predictable way as the original nuclide decays over time. This predictability allows the relative abundances of related nuclides to be used as a clock to measure the time from the incorporation of the original nuclides into a material to the present.

Jessica Walsh

Did you see Timothy today?

What did y’all do together?

We had our first date at The Fat Radish in the Lower East Side. They have the best roasted carrots, and my favorite tequila jalapeno drink.

Did anything interesting happen?

Before the date, Tim had a messenger deliver a cute note: “Me + You x 40. Ready?”

Truthfully, I am quite nervous. However, I know that when an opportunity scares me, I must go for it. I don’t like having fears. No matter what the outcome, it will certainly be an interesting experience. Hopefully we can have some fun along the way, too.

Did you learn anything new about Timothy?

We discussed Tim’s relationship patterns, and how he’s in a constant cycle between three women. There is always one girl he’s really excited about that he’s trying to go out with, a second girl he’s been seeing for a few weeks and is getting tired of, and a third girl he’s been seeing a while and is getting ready to break up with.

He told me that when his mother got pregnant, his father made her choose between keeping the child or staying with him. It seems to me his dating style could result from this. He breaks off relationships before they get too serious to avoid the risk of abandonment. He’s built up this reputation for himself as “the player,” but I see past the facade. He’s been a great friend, and I know he’s a very kind person. We all have our issues and cope with life differently. Sometimes I think the “normal” people are just people you don’t know well enough yet.

My parents married at a young age, and have a successful marriage. I wonder if that is part of the reason I am always trying to find the right person and why I feel like such failure when a relationship doesn’t work out.

How do you feel about this relationship/project right now?

I think I have have some sort of guard up preventing myself from seeing Tim as anything more than a very close friend. As his relationship patterns are the opposite of mine, a part of me fears that if we were to really date, one of us might wind up getting hurt. I don’t want to ruin our friendship. We also have a tight group of friends, and I think we are both afraid to compromise that.

Is there anything that you want to do differently?

Dating a BPD: Respect, Boundaries, How-To Guide

by Rick on 08/06/2014 · 107 comments

You’ll never succeed in a BPD type of relationship if you never learn how to develop and establish a level of respect for yourself. Through my years of dating and training experience, having a lack of self-respect is the quickest formula for failed relationships.

And it’s not just dating a BPD - any type of relationship you involve yourself in will be more successful the more you’re able to show that you value and respect yourself.

The good news it that commanding respect is not that hard. I’ve figured out how to show the women I date that I do respect myself and you’re not going to walk all over me, control me, disrespect me, etc.

Here are the important factors that you need to know right now so you can begin to implement these in your current and future relationships:

#1: Avoid The Honeymoon Commitment

Almost every single relationship involves some sort of honeymoon period where you’re both in a whirl of emotional highs. You’re both extremely touchy, can’t stop smiling, you’re in the bedroom as much as possible.

I get it, I’ve been caught up in these whirlwind romances multiple times in the past.

Now I have nothing against getting together with someone you like and letting your bodies enjoy each other as much as possible. It only becomes a problem when your fantasies take over .

Do you know what I mean by this? You’re two weeks into dating and you’re already telling each other that you love him or her. Yet that’s just not possible because love is built over a long period of time.

So why do we do this? Why do we say that we’re in love when it’s not true? Because of fantasies in our head.

We all want to be loved and cared for. There’s nothing wrong with that. But it is really a lack of self-respect when we allow our feelings and emotions to carelessly flow free so early.

Next thing you know, you’re caught up in this “rollercoaster” and you simply have no idea how to slow it down. Well, if you didn’t let things get out of control so early on, you wouldn’t be experience the craziness. So take back your self-respect and don’t be so easily committed.

#2: Fantasies and Seeking Perfection

To go a long with what I am saying above, your ideal partner and ‘love’ that you seek is really just a fantasy that you’ve created in your mind over the years. We all have fantasies but it’s important to not try to make them reality.

A BPD will make you feel like you’ve found the perfect partner - if you self-respect.

BPD’s will take advantage of this weakness in you if you let them. But as I outlined in my article about dating a BPD girl. it’s not just a BPD that will gain control over you…

There are a lot of people that will manipulate you, lie to you, use you, control you and more. Self-respect isn’t just something you need to be a better partner… it’s what you need to survive and succeed in this world!

I can’t stress how important it is to calm your feelings and think outside your head for a minute. Take notice of what whirlwind romance and don’t let it suck you up. It’s not the BPD’s fault – this is just what happens.

Squash these feelings of loneliness, bored and love-seeking you have and you’ll begin to respect yourself a lot more. Don’t be so quick to jump into any kind of relationship because it fulfills some fantasy you’ve thought about all your life.

Shameless Plug: If you’re in need of help and want me to personally assist you, consider joining my Member’s Only Forum and I’ll answer all your questions and assist you the best I can.

#3: It’s NOT Your Job To Save/Rescue/Help Anyone But Yourself

I have noticed that a lot of the BPD relationship books on the market are full of techniques, therapy and all this other stuff that you can use with your partner to help bring positive change.

Unfortunately, as long as you’re someone that’s weak, passive, no back bone, no self-respect, nothing will ever help you succeed in dating a BPD. You’ll just continue to experience the issues that have driven you into despair.

The WORST thing you can possibly do is scour the web looking for advice to help your partner.

I’m sure that’s what brought you here to my website which I am very thankful for. I do hope you’ll listen to my advice here closely:

The only person you need to worry about is you. You only have control over you and your behavior.

Back when I was getting into my first relationships, I was desperate, needy and desperately wanting to help my BPD girlfriends. I felt like I could save them and pull them into the light.

I went about it all wrong just as most guys do. We try to save our BPD partners incorrectly which actually pushes them away even more. We become more unattractive in their eyes. They can’t help but run.

It’s a really big sign of no respect for yourself when you’re spending all of your time trying to make things right in the relationship instead of focusing on your own goals, dreams, desires and more.

Both men and women make these mistakes when dating a BPD. These skills can all be learned, however, which is why I am here for you .

#4: You Must Educate Yourself

By you stumbling across this article, you are already in the process of educating yourself about BPD. Doesn’t that feel great? I really believe my information is the easiest to digest because it’s all based off of real world experience.

It’s important that you understand that men and women with BPD come from different, usually darker upbringings that you and I.

And while that’s usually pretty obvious to most people, it still amazes me how easily it’s forgotten when push comes to shove.

But this doesn’t mean you go ahead and lower your disrespect tolerance. Don’t ever do that! You’re just setting yourself up for more failure down the road.

BPD’s are usually insecure about themselves, they worry a lot, they can get anxious and more. You already know this.

But did you know that all of these things can easily be suppressed when you’ve shown yourself to be someone that’s strong, demanding of respect and 100% not amused by the outbursts?

Yes, this is completely true! I really want you to read my dating a BPD girl article because it has a letter from a BPD woman describing how her husband is great and keeps the relationship calm and fun.

The more you read about BPD from credible sources such as myself, the more you’ll realize how important it is to first work on establishing your own self-respect, boundaries, tolerances and more.

#5: Find That Edge

Do you have an edge? Do you know what it means to have that edgy side to you that people simply respect and don’t want to mess with?

Bender in The Breakfast Club is an extreme example of what it means to be a jerk. If you haven’t seen this movie yet, then I highly recommend you watch it as soon as you can.

He has an obvious edge to him, does whatever he wants, pisses everyone off without a care in the world and can’t be contained.

You don’t want to be bender. But you don’t want to be the geeky pushover either. You really must find that edgy side to you that isn’t afraid to push people around that get up in your grill.

I had a client from my coaching program email me about how he would just ignore and be silent on the couch when his BPD girlfriend would yell at him. He thought he was doing the right thing because he was non reactive and she would calm down.

However, this is still the wrong way to handle these outbursts. I explained to him how it’s very important to show that you respect yourself, that you don’t like being yelled at, that you aren’t afraid to get up in her space and basically radiate your masculinity all over her.

You don’t run from battle, you don’t cower in the corner when you’re facing a fight. You stand your ground and battle back.

But there is a right way of fighting back and a wrong way. Most people do it the wrong way and become an asshole like bender. Or they do nothing and sit passively like the geek.

It’s important to understand that while a normal girl would dump a nice, passive guy before even getting close to hooking up, a BPD will go out with you, hook up with you, possibly even get in a relationship with you, but leave you the minute an edgy guy enters her life.

Conclusion

I will be the first person to admit that it’s incredibly hard to change yourself. I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but did you know I used to be this insecure, codependent. small-minded, passive man?

It’s why I consistently ended up with BPD women. If I’m proof that change is possible, then I really believe that anybody can change. I’m really glad you’re here on my website because you’re hearing from a true success story.

The reason why I created the BPD Relationship Success Program is so you can have a guide laid out right in front of you. Everything I know is available for you in that guide. So check it out and buy it, it’s only $23.

Did you know that when you stop the habit of consistent improvement, you will fall back into your old self and bad habits? I call this the ghosts of the past coming back.

While BPD’s may have had a rough upbringing, I had the type of upbringing where I never learned how to look out for myself and develop that self-respect. I always had people taking care of me and telling me that I need to please others.

It sucks but it’s just what it is. It’s how I was raised. We all have our own unique story of how we were brought up but we don’t have to keep living that way.

When you eventually reach that level where you’re genuinely confident in yourself, you simply won’t allow yourself to be bothered by BPD behaviors and ‘craziness’.

They’ll actually stop affecting you, and you can truly poor out your love to your BPD partner who so badly needs it.

But in order to get to these levels of BPD success, you will need to first work on being a person that people in general respect.

If your family consistently treats you with a lack of respect, if your friends are consistently being dicks towards you, and if people in general just don’t show you respect, how can you even expect to have any type of healthy relationship with a significant other?

It’s simply not possible.

You need to ask yourself questions such as:

Do my close friends treat me with respect?

Does my family treat me with respect?

Do people in general treat me with respect?

If your answer is no to any of these questions or you’re simply not sure what respect is, then this is what you need to focus on going forward. I really want you to succeed!

What other ways do you know that can help you develop the self-respect that you need? Please share your comments below.

This is an awesome and educating website, a little too late for me though. After a year with a BPD girlfriend (I didn’t even know what that meant when I was with her and I am over 50) I finally called the cops on her after she physically assaulted me and tried to run me down with her car. I was more concerned about her craziness than what she did to me. She was arrested a few weeks later and sent to jail for a few days. She was tried and pleaded to a lesser offense. One of the conditions of her probation was “no contact” with me, which I think for the best. Some of the other conditions were no alcohol, no drugs, meds required (I don’t know what they are) and she could’nt go anywhere where booze was served. That would be a killer for and BPD person. I know she has already hooked up with other guys, but I still wish her the best. I get what it means to be a BPD (at least from a non perspective). I do agree that BPD women are very fascinating, intelligent, witty, charming, creative and interesting, but thinking back, I have attracted my fair share of woman like that (and the abuse that comes with it). This last one met all nine of the DSM-IV criteria for a BPD so it was a crazy ride to hell and back. I have decided I will take some time off from dating and work on myself. Spend more time with my children. But looking back over the last year, would I do it again? Hell yeah. That might sound masochistic (which I am not), but I really learned a lot about myself, relationships, and what makes women in general tick. No offense to women at all, but BPD women are like regular women on acid, adderall and steroids. BPD seems so much more prevalent today than in the past, probably has a lot to do with our post WW-2 disposable culture, workaholic work ethic, etc. I have children with two mildly borderline women and I would ask all dads out there, divorced or at home, to spend as much quality time with your kids as possible. Make them feel safe and secure and love them as much as you can. It’s so important and very rewarding. I also think it would help the next generation avoid the abandonment issues that the last 2-3 generations have experienced. Again, great website, your material is upfront and right on.

Thanks Chris!

It’s really interesting knowing that you’re 50+ and continues to prove my point that regardless of age, BPD has the same affects on people that don’t know what it exactly is. The key to dating these women is having YOUR OWN emotions in check. People with BPD feed off of emotions and when you react to their craziness, you are basically feeding their emotions. It’s unfortunate that your woman was crazy like that, but remember that you played into it, you fed it, etc. You are 50% of the relationship. It’s your job to have control over yourself. The fact that she got crazy like that means that you’re not meeting her emotional needs. You might not know what those are, but basically it means NOT feeding her at all, not giving into her BS, not allowing her to walk all over you, etc. The fact that she tried to run you over means that you stayed in the relationship WAY too long and now the kids are freaked out.

I agree with you on the children part. Give them all the support they need.

And now you know for the future – regardless of who you date, be the emotional rock. It doesn’t matter who I date these days, BPD or not – BPD doesn’t appear in my relationships because I am unaffected by it. That might be a hard concept to understand, but you’ll get it eventually

-Rick

Rick, Killer site but your reply to Chris (btw I am 57 and yea, Didn’t see this coming) I am an expert now. Anyway you state “BPD doesn’t appear in my relationships because I am unaffected by it.” In an intro piece I read, you wrote, you are in a RS with a BPD currently and ones from the past are trying to hook up, So if you don’t allow that why are their so many around. Yea, Jes sayin

Thank you for the very kind words. BPD isn’t that difficult to deal with once you establish the boundaries in the very beginning. They’ll either stick around or be gone for good. Nothing wrong with that

I have a lot of self-awareness after years battling depression, so I know what my flaws are, but still handled BPD very poorly.

I know how I fed his traits. It’s ying and yang. The more depressed I am or vulnerable, react to his attacks, cry or look weak, the more powerful angry and destructive he becomes.

I know I have his best self, his respect when I am happy and doing my own thing, but he can tell the difference between fake-happy, and real-happy…. so I don’t know how to mask the depression enough not to fed him or put a target on my head.

Obviously at the start of the relationship, one of the things I loved was his compassion towards my depression, as he had gone through that too… so the sudden sadism, was shocking.

Hey Rick, I wholeheartedly agree with what you said. A lot of us (both men and women) don’t know anything about BPD and we do play right into it. And it takes two to Tango. I downloaded your book and found it very insightful, not only for borderline relationships, but any relationship. Great job! I am also reading a book called “No More Mr. Nice Guy”, which has given me a lot of revelations about my own contribution to borderline relationships and why I am drawn to these women and what I do to make things worse. So many guys try to be “nice” and “perfect” and don’t understand why that doesn’t work in a relationship. It never will. It’s a perfect companion piece to your book. So I am shaking off the bad feelings and the financial mess of the last year, licking my wounds and assimilating the lessons learned, and enjoying the summer doing what I want to do. It might not be very exciting or thrilling (like this is the first time I have gone without sex since 1985), but I am happy to be getting to know myself again, spending quality time with my kids, and really appreciating the beautiful world around me (I am a part time professional photographer and see beauty in so many mundane things). One last thought, a few months into my relationship with my BPD ex, she told me that I should “run for my life”. I really didn’t quite get that at the time but since our breakup I have read similar stories from other people in my predicament. If our BPD partner may care enough about us (and/or has a lucid and rational moment), they may very well warn us to leave and never look back. It’s not that they are trying to dump you, I think they just don’t want to drag us into their mad world. So if you are lucky and get a warning like that from your partner, take it very seriously and decide what you want for yourself. It’s a way out if that’s what you want. They are respecting you enough to allow you the choice. It’s a one time offer though. After that, you have to live with your decision. Like Lestat said in “Interview with a Vampire”, “I’m going to give you the choice that I never had”.

Hey Chris thanks for the great comment.

If you haven’t done so yet, check out my post on Co-Dependency. This is the underlying problem to the failure of these relationships and 99% of guys out there have no idea what codependency is.

In fact, my next book is going to be completely about Codependency because it is absolutely a HUGE problem that people never know they have. Once I got my codependency issues solved, my life has really taken a major turn for the better. I’m not even attracted to BPD’s anymore lol, I simply don’t have the time to deal with their B. S. drama.

- Rick

Hi, I just wanted to say that I found your article very interesting and I am looking for advice, you obviously know what you are talking about. I am currently in the process of being diagnosed with bpd after suffering with the symptoms for as far back as I can remember. I have so many questions and feel like I should give up on the idea of sharing my life with anyone, children and marriage seem like completely alien and un achievable objectives, however I am torn between feeling like it is my right to have a loving relationship, and feeling as though it is unfair to put anyone through being close to me, I don’t want to hurt anyone but my distructive patterns continue and my love/hatred/obsession/disgust/depression/euphoria hit me and whoever has the misfortune to be close to me at the time) In huge tidal waves.

Any advise would be greatly appreciated I am very lost. Joining a nunnery on the other side of the world is not an option.

- when should I tell someone I am dating that I have issues with my emotions?

- how can I help them help keep themselves safe. so that I hae a chance of Somthing loving and meaningful rather than heartbreaking and distructive!?

Please help.

Yours in anticipation

Danielle

I think you can apply most of what I teach. It doesn’t matter if you’re a guy or a girl – at the end of the day, it’s all about making yourself better and commanding respect. Don’t let him lie to you, don’t let him hurt you. If he does, walk out or make him sleep on the couch!

Hi Cindy and Rick,

I’m also a female, with a BPD male. I can relate to Cindy, with the very strange behaviour. Mine also pays rent, bills, trips over backwards for me.

I wrote some more things here but felt they were too identifying, as my situation is very specific. I’ve left only things that could apply to many BPD men.

He’s not cheating (I would never tolerate that, and made that clear from day 1)

In fact he has been cheated on, so I felt sorry for him, and know he wouldn’t do that to someone else.

When he was in the first year of honeymoon phase, i thought he was perfect. I’m creative, passionate and intense, I don’t have BDP myself, but have depression.

So I have my own clingliness to an extent, and when I saw how emotional/sensitive, yet masculine, assertive he was, it seemed like the perfect combo!

How many kind, generous, strong guys out there are also just as clingy/affectionate as a woman.

He asked if it was ok, and i was blissfully happy with it. Sometimes I was secretly annoyed by someone that almost sits on top of you on the couch 24/7, but I’d rather an affectionate guy, than a cold one.

Then suddenly when the realtionship was going very well, we lived together things are all good…he starts the hot-cold cycle…going in the opposite direction…

This was frustrating as I was studying when we met, had many friends at that time, and he’d get so jealous when I’d speak to them on the phone.

After a year I lost many friends, he got bored.

So before all my socializing, was cause for jealousy, now he mocks my loneliness and lack of social life. Now he also went from an introvert to an extravert, suddenly having all these friends, now I have pretty much none! I feel needy, lonely and dependant.

How he twisted the situation….its baffling. But when he was the needy one, I was kind about it, introduced him to my friends, and did not yell at him about it.

So now I have very few friends…

I can love him, but still feel as soon as its possible I should let go, even though he’s my only friend right now, its a Jekyl and Hyde friend that will suddenly be nasty, so not worth it. Maybe it will force me to start again, sadly all my friends are now mutual friends with him too.

He’s also gone from over sharing, to super-secretive.

I feel BPD will put up and do more than an average person…but in return they give you back any emotional issues 10x..

I think the relationship can work if you have many friends, your own life, so as Rick says when they go cold, you are not alone like me. You need to be able to have people to go cold on them back.

He knows that he has someone to come back to because I’m stuck!

I am still being strong, but it takes him more time to feel lonely than I do, as he was many friends….

So seeing my friends are friends with him…*sigh* He’s more likable on the surface.

I know if I had my own circle of separate friends, I could play hard-ball right back at him, because I would no longer cater to his jealousy, or drop everything for him.

When he wants attention, he wants it then and there. if I could walk out I would, despite missing him, out of self-respect, but I don’t have a dime. (or anyone else)

I am aware this is very pathetic, but I don’t even know where to begin or who to talk to, as he was my best friend.

He also said typical borderline things, like how I’m “too nice” which was weird as I felt so sorry for him, about his exes cheating and being bitches. At first he seemed so relieved to have a soft-hearted person like me.

How do they hide their true natures for years.

Dating a BPD man seems to be a much more difficult process than dating a BPD woman. However, the reality is that this isn’t a genetic disorder – it all has to do somewhere in their upbringing, some traumatic experience, lack of real love, etc. I grew up in a loving but basically a religious, anti-sexual/anti-intimacy family and ended up having some major codependency issues. I’ve since fixed these issues. Codependency can be JUST as damaging as BPD behavior. Most of the non’s that get into relationships with BPD’s suffer from codependency. Just like BPD, codependency is a serious disorder and is NOT genetic — it’s due to upbringing. It’s usually caused by parents that put shame on being sexual and even intimate and being honest with your feelings. What ends up happening is that when you grow up, you become desperate for intimacy but you’re also trying to hide these intentions which means you’re not being honest to the person you like NOR yourself. Can anyone tell me of a relationship that worked out when you’re not honest? You become intensely needy and allow yourself to become a pushover just for a little bit of love and intimacy. This obviously creates a very toxic situation.

My family for as long as I can remember teased me about girls from a very young age all the way through high school. They NEVER offered support. I always felt like I was being shamed for liking girls even if this wasn’t there intention at all. Me and all of my brothers rarely ever talked about any girls we knew due to this teasing. I think this is a very common issue. What ended up happening in my case is that I thought it was taboo to like girls. Intimacy becomes this fantasy that I wanted more than anything. Such bullshit. I never told my parents when I was going out with girls, EVER. Because of this upbringing, I ended up becoming desperately obsessed with intimacy. So when I got a girlfriend, I wanted to do nothing but touch her all day. This is classic codependency and extremely unattractive. You end up spending all your time and effort trying to please your partner INSTEAD OF focusing on yourself and improving your life.

I really want to dedicate this site to codependency just as much as it’s about BPD. The reason being that it’s just as serious of an issue. Getting help for BPD means becoming knowledgeable about yourself as well as the disorder. It also means changing your mindsets and dropping this codependency issue you’ve had forever. BPD’s love the attention that codependency people force on them early on, but as with ALL relationships, neediness ultimately is unattractive and so BPD’s run

Hi Rick,

Thank you for your reply. My email did not notify me of a response.

Your reply is candid and I appreciate you opening up and sharing about your life; it’s inspired me to return the gesture in my comment here. You have said some very thoughtful things.

I have come back here after making some changes and progress, but yet again having difficulty with respect.

Progress:

I now have a wide circle of acquaintances that are not his mutual friends.

Seeing over the 5 + years of involvement with him, it is still incredibly hard to start from scratch as an adult and work on building new friendships.

They are still acquaintances as turning an acquaintance into a friend takes time and effort. But out of this large circle I see maybe three of those people with potential to be friends that I spend time with more often.

You are correct about BPD male being a different can of worms. Most BPD advice is about women with BPD, and there are some things that just don’t apply or are very different ball game.

There are also some core things that are the same.

As far as my unbringing. It was actually very similar to the BPD! and a little in common with you too.

I find it interesting if you look at the points below, you might see how similar, but slight variations that must have made all the difference.

It still boggles my ming how a slight change in scenarios we both shared resulted in him BPD more prone to rage, and me more prone to depression.

-I was sexually abused over a few years by a male family figure and/ he was raped in a single violent act by another man as a child.

-I was raised by a single mother with no father in picture,/ he had divorced parents and was raised between both.

-He was isolated and alone a lot as child./ I had many friends.

-We both left home at an early age. He did by choice (or so he says)/ I was under pressure to leave. I wasn’t prepared, I felt it hampered me as I didn’t learn many life skills./ He left it forced him to learn his own life skills.

-I had happiness at school with other young children,/ he did not.

-He had anger issues as young adult + daredevil./ I became nervous and the opposite of that. Risk adverse.

-He had parents that always wanted more out of him, nothing was ever good enough./ My mum put a lot of fear into my head and was always a homemaker.

-His parents didn’t have time for him as a kid. /My mum had generous time for me (she was also very sweet), then suddenly withdrew it.

-Besides a period abuse my childhood was happy, /his sounds lonely.

-I had support at some times./He didn’t. The person he trusted passed away.

So similar, but I’m sure you can see crucial differences.

As far as what you said about yourself, sex was not shamed, in fact we had liberal family in many ways. We were also not religious.

However I can relate to negative emotion denial. I’m not sure if this is the crucial difference between him and I.

When I was growing up my mother pulled away as soon as I displayed teenage depression. Sadness and anger were not allowed, and she would eerily smile instead of being sad. Everyone had to be happy and nice. Depression and anger were shamed.

I have improved myself in many ways. Some things have improved, but I still have major respect issues. I tell him I will not accept verbal abuse or swearing or certain rage behaviors but he does them anyway. I’m at a loss of how to enforce the respect as he doesn’t really care if I pull away or do certain things.

His black and white attitude says basically: “be happy/deal with it, or call the police”

There’s no middle ground/solution between love/acceptance and total freak out.

He has not broken any laws, has not cheated, and in his mind verbal abuse is not a crime so there is no punishment…

There should be a middle ground between totally kicking someone out and being a doormat!

I apologize if this was too long!

Hey thanks for kind words. Yes, you have got to establish everything very early on like when she does her very FIRST crazy spell, you have got to be like WOA GIRL WTF instead of sitting there like a pussy and taking her abuse. Good job man! It’s all a learning experience.

Hey Rick,

Your words are awesome. I also grabbed your book; good stuff. I split with my ex a little over a month ago. I actually don’t know if she has this disorder but i know she’s got something. She display many of these signs but not as extreme as what has been portrayed. She also displays many signs that don’t fit (taking blame, reaching out, etc). Anyways, i’m a strong person but i let shit slide for a long time thinking she would realize she’s being unreasonable. Finally after the breakup i’m not holding back. I let her know exactly what I’m not tolerating or subjecting myself to with her or anyone. She started calling/text again recently but that shortly ended after i discovered she had cheated. Surprisingly she came out with it all & how “messed up she is”, how much she regrets it, what can she do to fix things, how she’s going to change, etc. I simply told her maybe one day in the future she will have changed & things will be different but things wont be different any time soon. I reiterated what i’m not tolerating & how i am not going to be disrespected or treated badly a second longer. Communication from then on has been sporadic. She’s made attempts to contact me & so have I. Recently, i finally decided to drop all her belongings off at her house since she has STILL not come to get them. This made her lash out in a fit of upset tears followed the next day by an angry text. I simply let her know i did not give her things back b/c of anger but that it was time she have them. She called me “unhinged” which i followed up by a simple “yes, i’m unhinged”.

I know you know when i say this but i feel a very strong attraction towards her. I of course love her but i can definitely move on. While i have no idea if she has BPD or how extreme her illness is, I’ve heard many things about these people either never coming back or coming back to you again. Should i be expecting her to reach out to me one day in an attempt to come back? She’s still very young. If the circumstances were right, i would probably take it slow with her and be the strongest person in the world. But again, i’m not sitting around waiting for this to happen. I’m living my life for me under my terms, end of story.

Dating Rules Every Lesbian Should Know

Written By Editorial Staff 151 Comments

Are there lesbian dating rules ?

Lesbians all over the world struggle with the question of dating protocol every single day. After all, you’re two women, for goodness sake. How do you know who is supposed to wear the pants and pay for dinner? Invite you in? Go in for the kiss? The truth is, there’s no definitive answer about a lot of these things.

From the first date to a long term relationship, you have to figure things out how to make things work in your best interest. No need to fear, though. Even though there aren’t any cookie mold answers to all your questions about lesbian dating rules, there are certainly some good rules to live by.

Who pays?

It’s an age-old question, and one that causes all of us anxiety at some point as we look at the bill sitting on the table and wonder if we should grab it … Or let her grab it … Or offer to go halfsies?

In general, if you’ve initiated the date, offer to pay for it. After all, it was your idea. Sure, she might wave you off and insist on paying for her share. But offering is the right thing to do (and being prepared to follow up with paying is also essential.)

If your date initiated the date, do at least offer to pay for your half. Depending on your own beliefs, the way she handles that situation might have a bit more meaning to you. (i. e. If she actually lets you pay for your half, your beautiful illusion of a girl-in-shining-armor might be tarnished on the spot.

For instance, I was out with a woman once, and it came time to pay the check. I like to consider myself a pretty big tomboy, but she in this case was a little more “butch” than I was. She had asked me out, but I did offer to pay my share simply to be courteous (I wasn’t sure if I was really feeling her, if you know what I mean.) Well imagine my surprise when she actually let me do it! I went from “on the fence” to over the fence in a hurry on that one just because I felt like her decision to allow me to pay was in bad taste. (Did I ask for it? Sure. But that doesn’t mean I can’t complain!)

Who asks?

There are no set rules on who should initiate a date, although there will be clues if you’re the one who should be doing the asking. For instance, if yours is an old-school Butch/Femme pairing, you can bank on the fact that the Femme is most likely waiting for the Butch to make the first move. I know, life’s not fair. Men have been complaining about that one for centuries. I personally love doing the asking and feel a sense of satisfaction from making the first move.

Outside of the above, if you’re really interested in going out with a girl, just ask. It will never be considered inappropriate. Chances are, she’ll be relieved that you took the reins – especially if she’s been giving off the vibe that she’s as into you as you are into her.

Her place… Or Yours?

Again, there’s no hard and fast rule about where you might decide to crash for the night, although there are definitely some things to take into consideration. For instance, whose place is more convenient (either to where you are now… or where you need to be tomorrow morning)? Whose place is nicer (cable? hot tub? Pool?)? Whose place is more private (i. e. you won’t have to worry about her roommate popping in as you start to get into the mood)?

Then there are other questions to consider based on a well you actually know each other. Do you trust her enough to give her your address? Do you trust her enough to go into her home blindly? If you aren’t in the full trusting mode of your relationship, you may want to stick with public places. Whether you’re at a coffee shop or a hotel, people will be there to hear any cries of distress. Play it safe when you decide the best place for you to spend time together.

Over time, you may find that you always tend to hang out at one place over another. If that’s the case, just touch base once in awhile to make sure both of you are okay with that. You don’t want to offend her by always insisting on your place or never offering to invite her to your place. Similarly, you don’t want to feel obligated to always have her over or to always go to her house. If you’re close enough to be spending that much time together, you shouldn’t have a hard time having the “Your place or mine?” talk at any given point in your dating history.

Ex Etiquette:

Short answer? No. Meaning, don’t talk about them. Don’t whine about them. Don’t mention how good they were in bed. Don’t mention how much they broke your heart (or worse, how badly you broke their heart). When it comes to ex-girlfriends it’s best to leave them in the past where they belong.

For one, talking about your ex-girlfriend is not a turn on, as it shows you’re more hung up on your previous lover. Nobody wants to feel like they’re a replacement, a rebound, or even worse, just taking up space until you find someone who meets your past expectations. That’s just too much work for one girl to handle and it will undoubtedly lead to negative feelings.

Outside of that, it’s not a good idea to dwell on your ex because that prohibits you from finding a new squeeze. If your ex has taught you anything, it should be what you don’t want. Now is the time to focus on what you do want.

What kind of girl are you looking for, and where are you most likely to meet her? I’m not just talking about Butch versus Femme. I’m talking about lesbian activist? Corporate professional? Sporty sexpot? Granola environmentalist? Think about the qualities you’re looking for, and the things that will inspire you in a partner. You can’t possibly find the girl of your dreams if you don’t have any idea what she’s like. Hope you enjoyed this post, don’t forget to stop by next week!

What are some lesbian dating rules I missed? Let me know in the comments below!

If you would like extra guidance. I HIGHLY recommend that you grab yourself a copy of The Lesbian Lifestyle Book . It is the only guide you will ever need as a lesbian or bisexual woman.

Click Here To Get The Lesbian Lifestyle Book .