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Dating Tips 101: friends with benefits relationships advice

Friends with benefits relationships are b. s.

Gullible women have been sold a bill of goods by smooth talking, opportunistic booty hounds and players when it comes to friends with benefits relationships.

You women want to believe it means he finds you attractive but isn't ready for a girlfriend because his heart was broken, he got cheated on, he doesn't trust women, he has too much going on to commit, blah blah blah. In reality, he is telling you to your face that you are good enough to screw, but not good enough to invest feelings in.

Why aren't more women offended when approached in this manner? A man that barely knows you, yet approaches you so crassly is a disrespectful chump. He is letting you know up front that he is a butthole out to get what he can from you sexually, but at least he is being honest and warning you not to get attached because he is not looking for a relationship.

Some women don't understand that an FWB has no obligations or ties to you, so he is free to come in and out of your life, and jump in and out of your bed, while doing the same thing with other women IF he so chooses. An FWB cannot cheat. An FWB can go back to his ex-girlfriend or get a new girlfriend at any time and crack your face. An FWB can sleep with your best friend, your Aunt, your neighbor and your sister, and you can't get upset. You can see an FWB out with another woman and his tongue down her throat, and you can't say a word about it.

Being someone's FWB partner basically means that you are a provider of free sex services for a man that is flatly telling you that he will not commit to you because he doesn't like you "like that." Why would you do that to yourself?

And use of the word "friends" means nothing… its just a polite euphemism for "woman I am screwing who is one step up from a one-night stand." However women latch onto that word because it makes the fact that you are being used for sex more palatable, and some women use it to pretend they are at least a little bit special to the guy. But hear this ladies - frosting on poop doesn't make the poop turn into cake. In reality, your FWB has other guys for friends… he just wants you around for sex.

The romantic type of female with stars in her eyes will hang onto this shred of a relationship and wonder what the thing is that she should do or say to get this man to want only her. Shockingly, most women involved in friends with benefits relationships will be faithful to this guy. Not wanting to be perceived as 'ho or a slut, you sleep with just this one fella. And that is how he likes it, exclusive access to your bed and body without competition and without commitment. He does just enough to keep you tied to him while he roams free with the right to do whatever he wants with his other "friends." Most of you ladies that fall for this game will even turn down dates with other eligible bachelors in the hopes that your FWB calls.

Guys look for a friends with benefits arrangement so they always have a piece of tail to fall back on during those dry spells when they have no girlfriend. But as soon as he finds someone that he really likes, you'll never see or hear from him again.

Someone always catches feelings

Friends with benefits is a losing proposition for the woman looking for a loving commitment. Sex chemically binds a woman to a man with the release of a hormone called Oxytocin. Inevitably, a friends with benefits situation becomes confusing and hurtful when feelings develop.

A reader of this column wrote to ask: "Do friends with benefits always stay friends with benefits? That pretty much means that the guy finds the girl attractive too right? Do you think that the guy would ever want to be more? We're friends with benefits, but I'm kinda falling for him now and have no idea how he feels about that. I had told him before we got close that Ii didn't want a boyfriend, but I've changed my mind. Please help."

The bottom line here: if he just wanted friends with benefits and told you that from day one, it is extremely doubtful that the relationship would ever develop into more. Think about it… why would he want a serious relationship when he is already getting what he wants from you without being tied down?

Don't be afraid to communicate your needs clearly

If he's single and calls you frequently and chooses to spend a lot of time with you of his own volition, he's more susceptible to being open for love than if he's juggling three or four women at once.

If you were the one that initiated the "I just want to be friends with benefits, nothing more" conversation, then chances that he would be open to developing a serious relationship are actually pretty good. He may have wanted to date you and be in a relationship when you met, but since you told him you didn't want a boyfriend, he went with the next best thing.

If he got into the relationship wanting just an FWB, you should work under the strong presumption that that's all he wants. In other words, if he was the one that approached you with the FWB proposition and said he didn't want a girlfriend or to be tied down to anyone, chances are poor that anything more will come about.

Whatever you do, don't try to manipulate your way into his heart with games or by not taking proper precautions for birth control. Sure, accidents happen, but I'm not talking about an accident… I'm talking about allowing yourself to get caught up in a romantic dream where you become irresponsible about using proper protection.

If you have developed feelings for your FWB, have the courage to tell him. Sit down and straightforwardly express to the man that your feelings have changed and you want something more. Sometimes you will find that he feels the same way and was afraid to say something to you. However, you must prepare yourself for the possibility that you will instead hear that he has not changed his mind and still nothing more than a casual relationship with you. Are you prepared to cut ties with the FWB to move forward and find true love?

Your FWB may give you the option to continue seeing him on the same level, now that you know you will not get a commitment or a relationship from him. He may also tell you that if you are ready for something more he's okay with that and you going your separate ways with no hard feelings. Whatever you do, believe the answer you hear; make your decision accordingly and in your own best emotional and psychological interest.

Just remember, if you tell him that you want love and a commitment, yet you remain in an unsatisfying, uncommitted sex-based relationship, you need to shut up and not complain about it to anyone. Ever.

Whether out of horniness, loneliness or desperation, if you make the decision to involve yourself in a friends with benefits situation, remember that it was your choice. Any repercussions due to that choice are your sole responsibility. Any suffering or heartbreak you endure because of that choice is your own doing. Honor your body and your true emotional needs by giving careful consideration to the benefits and risks of a friends with benefits dating relationship.

Don't ever be afraid to say "no thanks…I deserve better."

Other Articles Of Interest by Deborrah Coopert :

Dating

Dating is a part of human mating process whereby two people meet socially for companionship. beyond the level of friendship. or with the aim of each assessing the other's suitability as a partner in an intimate relationship or marriage. It can be a form of courtship consisting of social activities done by the couple. While the term has several meanings, it usually refers to the act of meeting and engaging in some mutually agreed upon social activity in public, together, as a couple.

History [ edit ]

Dating as an institution is a relatively recent phenomenon which has mainly emerged in the last few centuries. From the standpoint of anthropology and sociology. dating is linked with other institutions such as marriage and the family which have also been changing rapidly and which have been subject to many forces, including advances in technology and medicine. As humans have evolved from hunter-gatherers into civilized societies and more recently into modern societies, there have been substantial changes in the relationship between men and women, with perhaps the only biological constant being that both adult women and men must have sexual intercourse for human procreation to happen. [ 3 ]

Humans have been compared to other species in terms of sexual behavior. Neurobiologist Robert Sapolsky constructed a reproductive spectrum with opposite poles being tournament species. in which males compete fiercely for reproductive privileges with females, and pair bond arrangements, in which a male and female will bond for life. [ 4 ] According to Sapolsky, humans are somewhat in the middle of this spectrum, in the sense that humans form pair bonds, but there is the possibility of cheating or changing partners. [ 4 ] These species-particular behavior patterns provide a context for aspects of human reproduction. including dating. However, one particularity of the human species is that pair bonds are often formed without necessarily having the intention of reproduction. In modern times, emphasis on the institution of marriage, generally described as a male-female bond, has obscured pair bonds formed by same-sex and transsexual couples, and that many heterosexual couples also bond for life without offspring, or that often pairs that do have offspring separate. Thus, the concept of marriage is changing widely in many countries.

Historically, marriages in most societies were arranged by parents and older relatives with the goal not being love but legacy and "economic stability and political alliances", according to anthropologists. [ 5 ] Accordingly, there was little need for a temporary trial period such as dating before a permanent community-recognized union was formed between a man and a woman. While pair-bonds of varying forms were recognized by most societies as acceptable social arrangements, marriage was reserved for heterosexual pairings and had a transactional nature, where wives were in many cases a form of property being exchanged between father and husband, and who would have to serve the function of reproduction. Communities exerted pressure on people to form pair-bonds in places such as Europe ; in China. according to sociologist Tang Can, society "demanded people get married before having a sexual relationship" [ 6 ] and many societies found that some formally recognized bond between a man and a woman was the best way of rearing and educating children as well as helping to avoid conflicts and misunderstandings regarding competition for mates.

Relationships 101: Do Opposites Attract?

It seems logical that like would attract like, but in my private practice as a marriage counselor and psychotherapist, I often see people drawn to their opposite—because it’s new and exciting. However, what’s exciting in the newness of romance often becomes unbearable in the constant contact of a long time relationship

If you and your partner don’t have a certain degree of similarity, your relationship will be too stressful to last. On the other hand, if you’re too similar, your relationship could be boring. The excitement and challenge of your relationship comes from your differences; the security and ease of your relationship comes from your similarities.

Here are some relationship dynamics you can learn to understand to overcome challenging differences between you and your partner:

Gender differences

Although times are changing, most men and women are socialized differently as children, and these differences can trip us up in romantic relationships. Women’s and men’s brains, and therefore language processing and reasoning, are organized differently. Cultural anthropologists theorize that it’s because of the different survival skills they needed to learn. They maintain it takes different perception, ideation, cognition and communication skills to raise a baby versus hunting down a mammoth. Whatever the case, the differences can be bridged. The main thing you need to understand is that most women take a meandering mental route, full of emotional (and distracting for men) side trips, which are rich in meaning for the female. It is why research shows that women are so good at multitasking, cooperation and relationship-building, and less focused on reaching a specific goal.

Men value competency and problem solving. Women value intimacy and emotional connection. Women, you may think he’s focused entirely on time, power, or money, but what he’s really trying to do is create enough security that he can feel safe to let his guard down. Men, you might think she’s illogical or irrational, but she’s responding to emotional cues you haven’t been trained to see.

Different Families and/or Cultures

It’s not just that “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus”—it’s that all of us have grown up on different planets. Whatever your family did seems “normal” and “right” to you, and couples can get caught up in arguing about who’s right rather than focusing on what will work.

This is especially difficult in mixed-culture families. Blended couples have blended children, who need both cultures. Learning to combine traditions, cuisines, and family celebrations can really create a brand new culture that celebrates everyone. When a couple can accomplish this the result is joyful.

Coming Together

When your differences are grating against each other, you need to stop insisting you’re right or your partner is wrong, and seek to re-establish your connection. To reconnect, be sure you are listening to each other and understanding your mutual needs and wants. The most powerful thing you can do to keep a marriage strong is form a partnership, a team, where both parties feel respected, cared about, and needed. If you really want to revive your relationship, begin not by complaining about your needs that aren’t being met, but by focusing on understanding your partner’s needs, and communicating what you want. Once you make the connection, you can begin to work out the issues.

Intimacy Breaks Barriers

Intimacy is the art of making your partner feel understood and accepted. When this feeling is created, barriers fall. Gentle touch, eye contact, a gentle sense of humor, and the right words all create an intimate atmosphere. Commenting positively on your partner’s looks or the day’s activities will also help. Partners often disconnect when they don’t feel interested in each other anymore. When there’s a problem with intimacy, a partner who’s sympathetic and doesn’t make demands can be very healing and appealing.

Four simple steps to create a successful relationship despite your differences:

1. Talk frequently and honestly to each other about your frustrations, about intimacy, about anger, about disappointment, about your appreciation of each other, about the meaning of life, about everything.

2. Strive to work together to solve anything that comes up. Learn to be a team, a partnership. Don’t get stuck on who’s right or wrong. Instead, focus on what will solve the problem.

3. Keep your connection going through communication, affection, understanding, and mutual concern for one another.

4. Have a sense of humor, give the benefit of the doubt, and lighten up. Try not to react so dramatically, and let small things roll off your back.

Author Bio:

Tina B. Tessina, Ph. D. “Dr. Romance,” is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California, with over 30 years experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 13 books in 17 languages, including It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction (New Page); How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free (New Page); The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again (Wiley) and The Real 13th Step: Discovering Self-Confidence, Self-Reliance and Independence Beyond the Twelve Step Programs (New Page.) Her newest books, from Adams Press in 2008: Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting About the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage and C ommuter Marriage . She publishes “Happiness Tips from Tina”, an email newsletter, and the “Dr. Romance Blog ” and has hosted “The Psyche Deli: delectable tidbits for the subconscious”, a weekly hour-long radio show. Online, she is Dr. Romance, with columns at Divorce360.com, CougarCandyStore. com, and Yahoo! Personals, as well as a Redbook Love Network expert. Dr. Tessina guests frequently on radio, and such TV shows as Oprah, Larry King Live and ABC news. Follow her on www. twitter. com/tinatessina. and www. facebook. com/tinatessina

Abusive Teen Relationships and Teen Dating Violence

Abusive teen relationships and teen dating violence is becoming more prevalent and more accepted than ever. In this article we will review statistics on teen dating violence, warning signs of abusive teen relationships, and how to support a teen victim of abuse.

Advertising:

Abuse in teenage relationships, also called teen dating violence, is becoming more common, and more accepted among teens, according to a recent survey by the National Center on Domestic and Sexual Violence (NCDSV).

The Center for Disease Control (CDC) reports that nearly one in ten teens in grades 7 to 12, male and female, has been physically abused by a boy or girlfriend . Abused teens are more likely to drink heavily, use drugs, engage in risky sexual behavior, develop eating disorders, and attempt suicide .

Abuse or dating violence can be physical, verbal, or sexual . and is often used to control the other person. Some warning signs to talk to your teen about to see if they are in an abusive teen relationship or a victim of teen dating violence include:

Jealous or controlling behavior, including over friends, appearance, and eating habits

Sexual pressure

Pressure to use drugs or alcohol

Name-calling or swearing

A partner losing his or her temper, blaming the other for his or her behavior

A partner insulting or embarrassing the other in front of others

Any form of physical violence

A partner threatening to hurt others or him or herself

Abusive teen relationships and teen dating violence have become alarmingly common among both genders; in a study conducted by the CDC, nearly equal numbers of teenage boys and girls reported being abused by their partner. Abusive teen relationships and teen dating violence are not limited by ethnic group or income level. According to the NCDSV:

20 percent of teens have been threatened by their partners, or had partners threaten to hurt themselves if the relationship ended.

33 percent of teens, and 50 percent of teen girls, say they have felt pressured to have sex in a serious relationship.

30 percent have worried about their safety in a relationship, and 20 percent have been hit, slapped, or pushed.

64 percent have been with a jealous or controlling partner.

55 percent have compromised their standards to keep their partner.

25 percent have been put down or called names by their partner.

Abuse will continue over time, and usually becomes more serious, leading to death in 1,300 cases each year, according to the CDC. Abusive teen relationships and teen dating violence have long lasting mental and emotional effects on its victims and the people who care about them. Unfortunately, those who are abused as teenagers are more likely to be in abusive relationships as adults. Because of the seriousness of this problem, it is important to watch for the warning signs of an abusive teen relationship or teen dating violence, including:

Unexplained injuries

Changes in appearance

Withdrawal from friends and family

Giving up activities that were once enjoyed

Changes in behavior or mood - acting depressed, anxious, or secretive, or acting out

Alcohol or drug use

Apologizing for or justifying a partner's behavior - especially his or her temper

Acting afraid of a partner, or worrying about making him or her angry

One partner is possessive and makes all the decisions

One partner insults, criticizes or embarrasses the other

If you are in an abusive teen relationship or a victim of teen dating violence, talk to a trusted adult to get help. The Teen Action Campaign suggests that if your child or friend is in an abusive teen relationship, talk to them. Be supportive and make it clear that it is not their fault they are being abused. Do not judge them or push them to do anything they are not comfortable with, and be patient. Encourage your teen to stay out of contact with the abuser. If you know the abuser, do not attack him or her as a person, but it make it clear that his or her behavior is not acceptable and encourage him or her to talk to a counselor and develop healthy behaviors. Do not hesitant to turn to good sources for help . including trusted school counselors, religious leaders, doctors, community support groups, the police, or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE.

Center for Disease Control: National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, and "Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report," May 19, 2006

Teen Action Campaign

National Center on Domestic and Sexual Violence

National Youth Violence Prevention Resource Center

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration

Girl's Health. gov

Dating

History [ edit ]

Dating

Sunday, 2 March 2014

Dating 101 relationships

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