Dating: Dating military men

Are You Dating an Army Soldier or a Fake?

by Stacey Abler on June 18, 2010

If you don’t want to read the rest of this article, there is one surefire way to know if your soldier is fake:

If a soldier you’re “dating” online asks you for money for ANY reason, it’s a scam. Period. End of story. [Click to tweet this]

And as my husband says….If you have to ask, it’s a scam.

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UPDATE: Two women were prosecuted for receiving over one million dollars from 374 people in these scams! Story here .

Since starting the website in 2004, I have received many emails from people who believe they are dating a soldier when, in most cases, they actually are not. Nine times out of ten, they “met” their soldier on a social networking site, such as Facebook, or an online dating site. And he is the one who just happened to find her while he was looking around and decided she’s going to be his future wife. What he really means is she’s going to be his next victim.

Stories That Are Lies

He’s in Special Operations

1. He is in a special operations unit and therefore cannot share any information with you. It’s true that special ops guys can’t discuss their job but that also means they don’t tell random strangers they’re in special ops. My husband was special ops. When we would go out with a bunch of guys from his unit and people would ask what they did, they simply replied they were in the Army. Special ops guys don’t brag about it. They’re known as “quiet professionals” for a reason.

He’s Been Denied Leave

2. He has been deployed for two years, has been denied leave time and will not be coming home any time soon therefore you won’t be able to meet. If there were soldiers being denied leave after being overseas for years at a time, it would be ALL over the news. It’s a lie.

He’s on a Top Secret Mission

3. He is on a top secret mission in a country other than Iraq or Afghanistan (or even in Iraq or Afghanistan – it’s all lies). Now, we certainly do have troops in other countries. However, they don’t talk about it and they certainly don’t tell you they are on a “top secret mission”. Also, any special operations soldier worth his beret will not reveal his location to someone he doesn’t know (or even someone he does!).

He Needs Permission from Someone in His Unit

4. He says he is not allowed to talk about what he does, however, he has cleared it with his CO that he can tell you enough to make you believe he is who he says. This is followed by outrageous lies. If he truly is not allowed to share any details about his job, his CO doesn’t even allow him to talk about it with family, much less someone he met on the internet. Sometimes with this tactic, they will ask you to email/send mail to the CO to ask for permission. Then the supposed CO sends back a letter asking for money to connect a phone line or some other complete lie.

Everyone Around Him is Dead

5. He says one of the following….his parents died, his wife died in his arms, his wife was killed in a car accident along with all of his children, his children are orphaned and living in some remote location, or he was orphaned……all LIES. My favorite is when they combine all these things. Really? I know some very unlucky people but this is just over the top. And I mean if this was for real and that kind of luck follows him, why do you want to be with him?

He Has No Mailing Address

6. He says he doesn’t have a mailing address because either he is in a classified unit or his position changes so often. Even in special operations, he’ll have an APO address. And this is not a post office box and it’s not in Nigeria. It also has nothing to do with a Western Union office. And you don’t have to send it through a relative because he can’t give out his address.

He Needs Money for Leave

7. He says he needs you to pay for his R&R leave because the Army doesn’t pay for it. This is absolutely false! A real soldier will not request money to travel home as he doesn’t need it! The Army pays for all travel to and from a war zone. This includes emergency travel like the death of a loved one. It’s not like you just book your own flight home from Afghanistan on Delta.

He Needs You to Request His Leave

8. He says he can come home but you have to request his leave through an email address. If all an Army spouse had to do was email her soldier’s commander to get him home from deployment, don’t you think ALL Army spouses would be doing this? There would be no one deployed. The Army does not allow leave requests from Army family members. In fact, even in the case of the death of an immediate family member, the information has to be verified by the American Red Cross before the soldier’s command is contacted for possible leave by officials at the Red Cross – they don’t just take your word for it.

He Needs You to Pay for a Phone Line

9. He wants you to pay for a phone line, cell phone or calling card so you can talk to each other. Real soldiers can call home for FREE. My husband deployed multiple times and we never paid for a single phone call. If he asks for this, he’s a scam artist. Not to mention, soldiers are making enough to buy a phone card if they really had to.

He’s About to Retire

10. He’s about to retire and then he can marry you and live happily ever after. This usually also includes stories about being a higher ranking officer. Typical story and it’s all lies. Real officers have even LESS time to be online talking to strangers over the internet.

His Child Needs XYZ

11. He has a child that is dying or needs surgery (or some other medical emergency) and he needs the money to pay for it. All military dependents are covered by Tricare, which for the most part is amazing insurance. I had a c-section and was in the hospital in a private room for three days. Know how much I paid? $12. Real soldiers aren’t paying out of pocket for their kid’s medical care.

He’s a General

12. And he’s only 28! Wow, talk about a quick advancement! LOL A General will have well over 20 years of service and less than 1% of officers will make it to the rank of General. On top of that, Generals make a minimum of $12,000 per month in JUST base pay. So why exactly would he need money from you?

His Pay is Deposited in the U. S. and He Has No Access

13. Seriously? First, the Army is providing the essentials while you’re deployed so there’s not a need for a lot of money overseas. Second, you can have access to your money, so this is yet another lie. There are ATMs on any main post and the PX accepts debit and credit cards. If he says he’s somewhere that there isn’t an ATM or another way to get money, there is also nothing for him to spend money on. So why does he need it?

He’s On a Peacekeeping Mission in

14. Last time I checked we aren’t on a lot of peacekeeping missions in Nigeria and Syria. And if we were, a real soldier wouldn’t tell you that.

Verify The Truth

So how can you find out if he’s telling the truth?

The absolute best way to verify is with #2 – ask him to email you from his AKO address.

Ask for his mailing address overseas. If he can’t provide one, he is lying. There is nothing secretive about an APO address. And an APO address will not be a post office box. It’s also not at a Western Union office!

Ask him to give you his AKO email address rather than his yahoo, hotmail, etc. This will be his firstname. lastname@us. army. mil . All soldiers have an AKO account. There is NO reason why he can’t provide it – regardless of what unit he is assigned to, what his mission may be, who he’s working for, etc. And the AKO account is free so him saying his credit card hasn’t been processed or his account is locked because he didn’t pay is also a lie. If he refuses to provide this, he’s fake.

I originally had other questions you could ask regarding his training, etc, but I’m removing those because many people believed whatever ridiculous information he came up with when they asked.

But you say he’s sent you pictures or a copy of his ID?

Many have been provided pictures, copies of military identification cards, even videos. First, pictures can be grabbed from anywhere on the internet – there’s no guarantee you’re talking to that person. They may very well be using the picture of a real soldier but that doesn’t mean you’re talking to him. Some of these scumbags are using the pictures of soldiers who were killed in action to run their scams. It’s sick.

Someone told me once they were dating a General and she even had pictures. I told her to send them to me. Guess who the pictures were of? David Petraeus!

Some use totally fake pictures in uniforms that are all messed up – I’ve seen Army uniforms with Air Force tapes and Navy insignia – no joke.

I’ve seen very badly doctored military ID cards where it’s obvious he’s typed over information on the card. What’s funny is he’ll type over the only legitimate information on the card and replace it with something that makes no sense. Such as rank of SPC and pay grade of MAJ.

The pictures they use many times on military IDs are so fake and it’s so obvious. Real military ID pictures basically look like a mugshot – solid background with him in uniform and basically only showing his face (maybe the very top of his shoulders). Someone sent me one the other day that not only looked nothing like a military ID (more like a business card for a recruiter), it had a picture of a soldier who was obviously at a military ball or some other formal event as he had a bow tie with his dress uniform. That is NOT an ID picture.

Or maybe he’s added you on Facebook and even changed his relationship status to you

The Army posted this example on their Facebook page:

So exactly which one are you dating? Oh and by the way, I’ve never seen a soldier unless it was on an official page (such as the base commander’s page) that uses his rank in his name.

Soldiers Don’t Have Time For This

99.9% of military guys overseas don’t have the time available to them to email, chat and Skype for hours at a time or even every day online. They are too busy doing their JOB. And most have no interest in “dating” someone online while they’re deployed. Continuing to talk to their loved one that they knew before deployment? Absolutely! Time to peruse dating sites and chat for hours? Absolutely not.

But he said he loves you and wants to marry you….even though you “met” last week

I’m assuming if you’re falling for this, you’ve never been in a military town. Go downtown in a military town to a club one night and let me know how many single soldiers are there looking for the love of their life….not exactly what their goal is. And when you’re thousands of miles away from each other, he doesn’t have the opportunity to sleep with you. So the point would be.

Many of these stories contain comments about him saying he loves you within a few days/weeks of starting to talk or he wants to marry you as soon as he returns. Let’s get this straight – you haven’t met and certainly haven’t had the opportunity to have any kind of physical relationship, yet he wants to marry you? Does this sound feasible to you? If you’re even hesitating on the answer, I’ll help you. It’s not. They’re lying so they can get in your wallet. And they’re doing this to many others at the same time they’re doing it to you. It’s just who is going to open up access to their bank account first.

But you asked him if he was a scammer and he said no!

Come on, think about this! Why would he admit it to you? Or even better, he told you he is in fact a scammer but he REALLY loves you…..as long as you keep sending him money.

He hasn’t asked for money yet though

Don’t worry, he will. If any of the above signs sound familiar, it’s only a matter of time. He may get pretty far into his story before he asks. He may wait until his plane is suppose to leave and you’re meeting him in less than 24 hours. Then all of the sudden disaster strikes and he needs three grand to be able to come home. LIES!

Even though he’s doing these things, you still think he’s the real deal

I hate to be harsh but if any of the above sounds familiar, it’s a SCAM. Don’t sit there and think you’re the exception. You’re not the lucky one who’s encountered these signs but somehow your guy is the real deal. He’s FAKE. He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t want to marry you. And sooner or later, he’s going to ask for money.

I get emails and messages (or comments) from people who tell me the story and ask me if he’s fake. I answer yes, it’s a scam. And what do they do? Keep asking me more questions – but he does this or he said this or he sent me these pictures. Guess what? The answer is still the same. It’s a scam. Go back and read the first line in bold at the top of this article. I don’t care if he asks you to mail him a penny – a real soldier will NOT ask you for money. A real soldier makes more overseas than he does when he’s home!!

The Scam Checklist

So let me sum this up:

If he’s asking for money for a phone line, it’s a scam.

If he’s asking for money for travel home, it’s a scam.

If he needs you to help him move money from one location to another, it’s a scam.

If he asks for your bank account information, it’s a scam.

If he wants you to wire money for ANY reason via Western Union (or similar service), it’s a scam.

If he asks you to email his command so he can come home, it’s a scam.

If he tells you to open a bank account or credit card for him, it’s a scam (and this one could get you into legal trouble!)

PLEASE quit sending these people money! If you’re just itching to give away your money, send it to me! haha After all, I’ve spent more hours than I can count updating this article with the latest techniques and answering questions here and elsewhere.

Finally, if you don’t believe me, please read this article from the Army – Soldier Scams

You may also be interested in:

Mike's Sharebook

Those precious moments after you’ve hooked up with a guy are sacred-the afterglow, the cute pillow talk…well, unless you mutter any of these one-liners, that is. Mood killers!

1. “Can I have my money now?”

2. “Done already?…I barely felt a thing!”

3. “I’ve had better sex with my dog.”

4. “I hope my parents don’t notice someone was in their bed.”

5. “I fell asleep for a minute.”

6. “Oh shit, I forgot to take my birth control.”

7. “I’m sorry I gave you herpes.”

8. “Get ready! Now it’s my turn to put something in you!”

9. “Why are you crying?”

10. “I’m all for dirty talk, but why’d you yell out “MOMMY”?”

Sure, the missionary or girl on top positions gets the job done (usually!) but if you want to take your sex life to the next level, you’ve got to switch things up-literally, and here’s some inspiration! New positions might feel a bit silly or awkward at first, but we’re pretty sure you won’t be going back to missionary any time soon after giving these a try! Thanks to the Kama Sutra and Cosmo. we’ve found a few sex positions we can’t wait to break out in the bedroom…which ones are on your radar?

Whenever I’ve mentioned to a friend that I’m seeing someone casually or going over to their house late at night for a hook-up session, they automatically assume that it is the sexiest thing ever. I think they picture it like it’s straight out of a movie with flower petals and that we’ll be dripping candle wax all over each other and melting chocolate all over one anothers bodies.

Not so much.

Sometimes we have pizza and watch a movie. Other times we have sex on top of a bunch of dirty clothes. Bottom line? Casual dating isn’t always as sexy or thrilling as it seems. If you feel like you’ve fallen into a bit of rut, shake things up-here’s how.

Signing up online for a casual dating site is one thing, but actually talking to someone is another. You want to be witty, playful and sexy so they’ll stop talking to anyone else and ask you out, right? Of course. Here’s how to do it.

Once you begin chatting with someone, things can escalate from pretty hot to on fire fairly quickly. Sexual attraction is crucial when it comes to casual dating of course-I mean, who wants to hook up with someone they find repulsive? Not I! However, sometimes it’s better to reign in the sexy talk and photos before you meet-not only will it keep the anticipation alive, but it protects you from sending your naughty photos to someone hiding behind a computer screen. Trust me, you don’t want those to end up on the internet one day.

2. Ask tricky questions

What do these questions all have in common? “What do you do for fun?” “Do you play any sports?” “Who is your favorite music group?”

UMMM…they’re boring! If you’re an online dater, chances are you’ve heard these questions literally hundreds of times and you have an answer ready to go, just like a good robot. You’ve got to make yourself stand out by asking questions that are a bit off center, that make the other person stop and think. Let’s be honest, it might seem like you are super interested in them but in reality it’s all about setting yourself apart, and above, the crowd.

3. Don’t be too available

You can have phone sex until you’re blue in the face (literally?) but if your end goal is a real roll in the hay, eventually you’ve got to turn off the technology and meet face to face. If you’re always talking to the other person online or on the phone, there is no reason for them to want things to go further, or no urgency for them to make a move-and this is when you get stuck in a computer or phone relationship. If you’re busy and not too available all the time, they will want to grab a minute of your time-and feel oh so lucky when they do!

As they should. We all know that falling head over heels in love with a bad boy doesn’t usually tend to end well…unless your definition of “well” is heartbreak city. But what about casually dating a bad boy? A no strings relationship seemed like the perfect answer, right? Not to mention insanely sexy.

The biggest problem with bad boys isn’t how fast they drive or how much they drink, it’s the attitude with which they approach the world. A casual relationship doesn’t demand much-but, mutual respect and communication are key-and these are sometimes lacking when it comes to the rebels without a cause. Consider this-if they approach the world with complete disregard, why would they treat you any differently?

Let’s get one thing straight, loves-Yes, sex is often more exciting when it comes to a guy who seems like a ruthless bastard…don’t ask me why, but let me just say-it IS sexy, in the moment…but when he won’t return your calls or cancels dates at the last minute, it stops being sexy very fast. There is nothing attractive about feeling used, no matter how serious of a relationship you’re looking for.

Meeting and Dating (White) Men

Recently, I received this brief note from one of my readers:

“I’m attracted to white men but sadly they are not attracted to me.”

This is a concern expressed by a number of black girls and women who are interested in dating interracially but have not yet done so. Based on my experiences, many black girls and women who feel this way have spent most of their time in predominantly black neighborhoods, and interacted mainly with other black people. Since their personal interaction with non-black men is limited, their beliefs are shaped by secondhand sources:

Repeated “warnings” from members of the “black community,” who – pretending to be speaking in their best interest – tell black women that non-black men either aren’t interested in black women, or are only interested in those who look “close to white”;

They’ve grown used to men living in or around their area boldly shouting to and approaching them anytime, anywhere, anyplace – even at times and places where it’s inconvenient and highly inappropriate – thus these women can’t recognize any other type of interest;

Media images.

How to Know if He Likes You

In my experience, and that of most black women I know, many (though not all) white guys in the U. S. tend to be relatively subtle about their interest. If you’ve already made up your mind that they aren’t interested, then you won’t pick up on the signs when they are. If you are open-minded to the possibility, it won’t be too hard to tell when a man is attracted to you. Initially, most will try to catch your eyes and hold your gaze, and smile. If they receive signs that the interest is mutual (i. e. you smile back and hold their gaze), a man will know you are open to him approaching you and making small talk. If you continue showing signs that you’re interested during the conversation (you smile, listen and respond as if you enjoy conversing as much as they do), they will take it as a sign that you are comfortable with them and interested in getting to know them better. The next step may be to ask you out on a date.

Where & How You Meet Men Makes a Difference

Some black women, though they don’t like the behavior, grow accustomed to strangers in heat hollering and whistling for their attention, or even pursuing them down the street. As a result, these women may be frustrated or even turned off by the subtle methods of approach I outlined in the previous paragraph. Personally, though, I’ve always strongly preferred more subtle approaches. First, I find it polite and respectful for a guy to take the time to notice and consider what the lady wants before making a move. Second, I liked talking to a guy a little first so I could get a basic idea of his personality before agreeing to accompany him on a date or giving him my phone number. Otherwise, how would I know if I’d want to invest the time and effort to go out with him and get to know him better? How would I know if I’d want him to have my number? In the words of MsAlexMM. “Asking a woman ‘What’s your number?’ right off the bat is like starting a job interview with ‘You’re gonna hire me, right?’” Just as you would find it odd and (hopefully) reject the invitation of a random stranger who approached you out of the blue asking to be friends and to hang out somewhere the next day, you shouldn’t see a random stranger as a potential boyfriend, either. As a common saying goes, “Love is friendship set on fire.” Just as there’s something that leads you to want to get to know a person better as a potential friend (i. e. friendly personality, shared interests, hobbies), there should be something leading you to want to go out on a date with someone and get to know him better.

If his purpose in dating is to have a serious relationship, he, too, will want to get an idea of your personality first for the same reasons. On the other hand, if a man is looking for a one-night stand, a fling, something on the side, or something short term and unserious, his only interest will be that you look nice enough to bed or to be seen in public with for the time being. A man who sees you as a person, though, will speak to you as

a person. A man who sees you as anything less will insult your intelligence by using pick-up artist techniques, “spitting game,” “macking” – or whatever such things are being called this year. Men such as these are to be avoided by a lady seeking a serious relationship at all costs. Even if his lines are impressive or “seem” sweet (he’s recited them to 30 other girls that day so he should have the right flair and emotion by now), you should remember that he’s wearing a mask to impress you. You won’t get a good sense of who he is if he’s playing a role rather than being himself. A little flirting is fine; being a “mack daddy” is not. I have good intuition, so a “bad guy” hasn’t even gotten me on a first date much less into a relationship. The last thing you want is a guy who puts up a front until he gets what he wants – sex, or in a few cases, marriage. So if you don’t want to be used or face the expense and heartbreak of a broken marriage, skip the “macks” and pick-up artists and go for the ones who speak from the mind and heart. Set the bar for realness from the start.

Places NOT to Meet Men

Nightclubs and Bars: These are pick-up joints. One-night stand seekers, cheaters and other sleazes are heavily concentrated in clubs. Meanwhile, people looking for serious relationships are not .

The street . If you’re on the street, it’s because you’ve got somewhere to go. Period. Keep it that way. Decent men don’t go looking for classy ladies on the side of the road. Since street pick-up attempts are so common in low-income areas, some girls and women who grow up in these areas aren’t aware that it’s abnormal and unacceptable. Nowhere in the history of any society did men pick up potential wives on street corners. If he’s picking you up there, either he’s unversed in social etiquette (that is, lacks class) – or he sees you as lacking in class. To be blunt, the streets are where men pick up hookers. He knows nothing about you, so he’s picking you up solely on the basis of the lust you arouse in him – and because the 70 other women he hit on in the streets that day rejected him. Every man likes a challenge – a woman who must see him as special in order for him to attract and then keep her. If you respect yourself, you will also reserve your attentions for men who are attracted to something special about you rather than simply because you’re one of the thousands of female bodies he glimpsed passing by him on the street that day. If all it takes is “Hey, ma, can I get your number?” he will think you’re easy and will never respect you. Also, men who’ve developed the distasteful habit of picking up women along the roadside tend to continue the habit even when in a relationship, because it becomes sport to see how many women will say yes. Think about the number of men who shout to you as you walk down the streets in some areas…is it really possible that ALL of those men are single? Half . Of course not. Women unfortunate enough to have accepted their street approach (pun intended) are now paying these men’s rent and working two jobs to care for their babies while those men stand on the corner or walk the streets all day hoping to score with women like you. You won’t meet cultured, intelligent, classy men in the streets, because decent men know this is low class behavior and don’t engage in it.

Where & How to Meet Intelligent, Cultured Men

If you are interested in a long-term relationship, it’s best to meet men in locations frequented by those with a common interest (i. e. your university, church, aerobics class, salsa lessons, bookstore, library, art gallery, opera, orchestra, festivals); while out doing something that interests you (i. e. traveling, hiking, wine tasting, volunteering [one possibility to consider: volunteer work with a grassroots political organization], horseback riding, tennis, visiting a museum, going to a cocktail party, browsing personal ads in your local financial paper, seminars, cultural events); at a club devoted to a hobby or interest (i. e. book club, jazz club, photography club, golf club [he can help you perfect your swing, wink ], country club etc.). In other words, find activities that match your personality – and go have fun. When you’re out enjoying your life, you’ll give off pleasant vibes, which will in turn attract other healthy, happy people. (Alternatively, if you feel blue, undesirable, lonely, or desperate to meet someone, you will give off vibes that will turn people off or attract other unhealthy people such as users and abusers seeking to exploit you). When you’re out doing what you love, smile and talk to various people. This will help you expand your social circle. Not only will guys you talk to while you’re enjoying yourself want to spend more time getting to know you and ask you out, but the women you meet and befriend may have single guy friends (wink). Also, sign up on several dating sites (see links at the bottom of this site). It’s a great way to cast your net

wide and meet men you would not normally meet in your day-to-day life.

How to Know if He’s Long-term Relationship Material

A guy who sees you as a person and genuinely wants to get to know you will want to know your views on various subjects and engage you in deep discussions. Therefore, as you become more comfortable, such topics as world events, the news, politics, religion will come up (though you should avoid talking about politics on the first few dates, and should discuss religion even earlier if it’s very important in your life). Also, he’ll want you to get to know him and strengthen the bond, so he’ll take you to meet his family and friends, gradually share details about his life and family, as well as his innermost thoughts, problems and future plans as the trust between you builds. He’ll be just as interested in learning similar details about your life. However, if he’d prefer to spend all of your time together talking about sex, trying to get you into bed, “sweet-talking” you (buttering you up with empty, excessive flattery), bragging (superficial conversation may be a tool to impress you with his possessions so you’ll just “give it up” or skip the vetting process), talking about what he will do for you (he should be showing how he feels a lot more than saying it), then he’s a waste of your time if you are looking for a serious relationship. A man interested in a long-term relationship will have real conversations with you so you can really get to know each other. A man interested in a one-night stand or short-term affair won’t bother to invest much time or effort in you. He’ll want to woo you quickly, get you into bed, and ditch you before you know what hit you. Speaking of which, I strongly recommend waiting until marriage to have sex. When a relationship ends with a man you’ve slept with, the wounds are far deeper, as you’ll most likely feel you gave up something you can’t get back. If this pattern continues, you will be too broken to function well in a relationship by the time you do meet the right guy. Also, letting a strong emotional bond lead to love, and love lead to sex is the best way to establish a long-term relationship. It’s like building a house. A relationship centered around a strong emotional bond is the securest and best. A relationship centered around lust is weak, and easily destroyed, as sex can be obtained anywhere from anyone. There is only one you . so getting to know you deeply and profoundly and falling in love with you is the type of bond that can’t be replicated anywhere.

Oh…and lest you still have any doubt about how beautiful you are…travel. travel (wink).